The Art Of Feeling
by voldobaby
Summary: It's the 1970s and horror stories circulate about state hospitals but Mikaelson's is discrete in its affairs and in its treatments. It is a five star hotel for the mentally impaired, a place for them to be repaired. But how do think when you've forgotten how to feel, how do you feel when you dont have the energy to think? Niamh has to learn to be apart of the real world again.
1. Chapter 1

"For God's sake will you try and pay attention!"

My mother's hiss stabs through the haze. I'm not sure where I was, or where I am, or why at all I exist. I know it's too big a question and I'd be stupid to try and ponder it. I blink rapidly behind my shades, it's too bright and the heat is irritating, it's underneath my skin and giving me a headache. Her voice was like sandpaper inside my skull.

I ignore her insistent stare coming from behind her GUCCI shades and I make sure no fraction of my body acknowledges her at all. The evil bitch. I come to realise she has her hand on my upper arm, a strong grip and that we've stopped in the middle of the smooth footpath leading to the entrance.  
She huffs irritated and starts dragging me towards the prison impersonating a mansion, should feel like home. My mother steers us to the empty reception desk as a frumpy woman decides to attend to her job, my hand twitches as mothers grip releases. The blood rushes back to my arm and the pain is a relief, strange, the emptiness writhes in pleasure as it has something physical to consume.

"Hello, we have appointment with Mr. Michelson. My name is Terry Schuester and the appointments for my daughter." She leans forward over the counter and whispers unnecessarily, "She's being signed in for a little while, just for a little rest."

Like she really gives a fuck.

My fingers curl and I stretch my neck to the right, the woman's depth for attention was astonishing as it was pathetic.

Frump looks a little embarrassed, "That's something you will discuss with Dr. Mikaelson at your appointment."

My mom nods and makes a pathetic little sniff. Frump gestures to the door to the right and it's a plain waiting room.

"This place will be good for you. I feel it, time to relax, calm down, get this…anger out of your system and we can go back to normal." She says removing her shades and folding her hands in her lap, "I really think, oh for God's sake sit up, you were brought up better."

Funny how that's landed me in the mad house.

She sighs again, it's her tell-tale mom noise, and she pushes one of her hand into my stomach and the other between my shoulder blades.

The thick smack sounds out in the quiet room and the satisfaction I get from seeing her jump back and nurse her hand is the best kind of therapy. My hand itches to reach out to her face, to wipe off her hurt expression but it's there, burned into my mind and I clasp my hands in my lap to stop the shaking.

She hastily put her shades back on, "Um," she coughs to hide the quiver in her voice, pathetic, "I really think this will be good for you, Emma's already talking about a little welcome back party. Although she is under the impression you're at boarding school, I felt it was in your best interests not publicize this."

Your best interests.

She rubs the back of her hand, its tinged pink. I look everywhere but her, I can't acknowledge her, I'm a disgusting person, perhaps even more so than I find her and that alone makes me wish I were dead.

The door outlined on the wooden panelled wall opens and a tall man, with short curls and a lean but muscular frame appears in the doorway.

"Mrs. Schuester" he addresses her in a calm, soft, English voice. I wonder if I would be able to taste English roses off his breath and was his tongue as velvety as his voice.

"Naimh!" My mothers on her feet and hissing down at me. I blink myself back into the room, he's smiling like he understands, it irritates me, there's nothing to understand.

My mother sun hat twitches in his direction and slowly I stand, she walks behind me as he motions me into the spacious office. The door makes a quiet click behind me and that's it, the sound of boundaries and rules and supervision and people paying attention to everything I do. I fight the urge to run…or to scream. Instead I sit down and clasp my hands together.

"Thank you for seeing us on such short notice." My mother says, dripping with gratitude.

"Your perfectly welcome, besides your grand donation to our facility calls for some gratitude on our part." He smiles taking out a folder from a drawer in desk.

Fucking leech like the rest of them. Everyone in Sand Diego speaks money, breathes money, bonds over money, fucks for money, marries for money and dies for money.

"Niamh!"

I focus back in to the room and she takes my shades off my face.

"See this is the kind of thing I'm talking about" She says to the understanding man. I zone out and she looks like I've admitted to skinning puppies, I roll my eyes and it doesn't go unnoticed.

"Niamh, I was just introducing myself. I'm Dr. Klaus Mikaelson and I am here to help."

This room's too bright. He has one huge window behind his grand leather armchair, it looks out onto the quad where there's a lot of green and stone.

Dr. Mikaelson turns his head to the left although unable to see what I'm looking at. My mother is rubbing her temples like she's exhausted. Fucking drama queen.

"We have rather wonderful grounds here, with your record you should be permitted ground rights although if these rights are abused you will be deemed an 'R' which means restricted. " He tells me clasping his hands together on the table in front. His voice is formal and his face serious, "Today you'll be eased in, a check up with a nurse, you'll be shown your room, introduced to your roommate and maybe a quick tour if you feel up to it."

My eyes flash to my mother and then to him, a roommate?

"Caroline doesn't bite, I assure you" he smiles.

I try to smile but even to me it feels like a sneer. He reaches over and presses a button on a small black box.

"Rebekkah" he calls and a door behind me immediately swings open, "Ah, wonderful. Niamh this is my sister Rebekkah and our resident nurse. She's in charge of the ward you'll be on."

Ward... nurse… She's really leaving me here. I turn numbly in my seat and see a woman who's not remotely like her brother. Her blonde hair sits in a halo on her head above her wide, warm smile and crisp white nurse's dress. My nails dig into my palms and I turn back to Mr. Understanding.

"I need to pee."

I actually hear my mother's mouth drop open and my hands itch.

"First stop on the tour." She announces behind me in a mellow, rich English accent. The Dr smiles at me. I resist the urge to run.

"Myself and your mother will discuss the dull paperwork and then come and find you afterwards." He tells me and then rises, "I would like to formally welcome you to Mikaelson's, and you my solemn vow you will looked after to the best standards." Right, I've heard the stories about the fires, the crazies, the escapee's… save it for the woman who's paying for it. He extends his hand to me and I take it limply, letting go as soon as he grasps it and walking over to the she Klaus.

"Leave your bag." My mother calls after me. I feel a prickle of embarrassment run up my spine as I look back at her stern face, I'm already dubbed as a fucking lunatic and she's indicating I'm carrying a crack pipe or a blunt. I toss my bag in her general direction so the strap brushes against the brim of her sun hat.

As I walk out the door Dr. Barbie's holding for me I hear her say tiredly, "This is only a smidge of the ordeal I have been through."

Cry to the man, at least the silver lining was I wouldn't have to listen to it anymore. Stepping out of the cosy, warm and wooden bathed office with colour I was faced with a more diluted in colour corridor. Everything was white, or a pastel shades... or cream.

"This way" She says placing her hand lightly on my back and I shove my shades back on move out of her touch. The corridors so bright, the ceiling is glass, letting the brilliant sunshine through.

"We like to create the feeling of openness here, light and clear. Seeing it's the mindset we try and achieve with our patients."

"Far out." I mumble emptily.

"Here we are" she motions to a white door which is obviously a toilet. She stands beside the door smiling and I realise she's going to wait outside. Fucking ridiculous. I brush past her and close the door hastily… no lock. The windows sealed shut and the glass is thick… there's nothing to try and force it, I'd do more damage to myself than I would it if I tried using my fist.

"Fuck" I hiss through my teeth and sink to the floor, "This cannot be happening to me."

All the threats, all the yelling, screaming, fighting and she finally did it. She always had the upper hand because of my age and I'd been naive to think she wouldn't do it, just because I was her daughter. Like it fucking maters… it should matter.  
I shouldn't have pushed it, I shouldn't have done it.

I reach around to the waistband of my jeans and pull out the silver flask that been pressed against my back. The vodka's warm and it burns but it's familiar. I could do, I could survive this place, I'd show her up, prove her wrong, she wanted to destroy me, get rid of well she wouldn't and when I get out I'd make her pay. She thought I was bad now…

Maybe I could reverse this, draw back time, convince that nurse to take me back to Dr. Michelson's office, take my mother back to the reception, she'd get back in our Cadillac and drive us back to the house, last night will come and I won't go out.

There's a tapping on the door, "Is everything alright?"

"Peachy" I call back and drain the contents and stuff the flask behind the toilet. I'll come back for it. I pull the chain and pop a gum stick into my mouth from my bra stash.

She smiles expectantly at me when I come out but I just stare at her until she feels uncomfortable. They must have training course for that because she doesn't falter but motions for me to start walking down the rest of the corridor to an elevator. "This will leave us up to the ward and out of the visitor centre."

I wonder how big this place is exactly, I know they keep guys here to as well as women and then there are the grounds that stretch around the place… I wonder will they be a part of ground rights. That would make it too easy to run, surely they couldn't have enough surveillance to cover it … unless they were that trusting. I doubt it, the vast lawns in front of Michelson's would be for show, maybe we just have the quad and a nice field behind the building to roam.

The elevator dings open and we're in another corridor, the top of it has a closed off room with a glass panel and a door beside it.

"That is the nurse's station of this ward, the women's. Another one is downstairs but I needn't think there will be much call for you to be down there, unless you befriend someone that is" She smiles like the concepts likely. A nurse waves to her from behind the glass and she waves back before pulling out a key from her apron and sliding it into the lock, a series of clicks and it swings open. The floors white, the walls are white. Other colours are muted so there not noticeable, they don't even qualify as pastels… they're like deceased versions of vibrant colours they could have been. I can't help but feel the people will be the same.

The furniture is the starch contrast. One green long sofa that looks comfortable creates the boundary of the room. Further in there's a rich leather armchair, some wicket white chairs and a table, and a huge box like looking television. There are three, huge windows that curve around this end of the ward, all open and letting the afternoon breeze in through the bars the windows are covered by.

"This is the TV area" she informs me unnecessarily and some of its occupants turn to look at me, an old lady dressed like a girl in her pink dress with a cat print cardigan waves to me. A girl, hidden by her long brown curtain of hair in the arm chair doesn't look up, the rest simply stare.

I hold up my hand and let it twitch in greeting; the old lady beams and turns back to the TV. One girl glares at me, at least I think she is, her eyes aren't hard, opaque, they're like moving water and I can't see the base. They're rimmed black and I think they've always been that way, she came into the world with black rimmed around her eyes so she could never see the light. Her finger runs over a girl's hair who sits at her knee's looking trance like.

Rebekkah's arm slides around my shoulder as she steers me into the ward, the corridors wide and decorated with doors on either side, at the end there's a gap between the last door and the end of the hall.

"Down there's the living room but no one really goes down there, I can't fathom why I happen to find it quite cosy and relaxing. Perhaps you'll take to it. Here" she says pointing to a wall with wooden panels sticking out of it that nest phones between them, "are the phones, you want to make a call the nurse will connect you. If you wish to use your grounds rights you let the nurses' station know and they'll record it, check in with them when you come back to."

I nod trying to process the information; my head feels fuzzy…dream like, maybe this isn't real and once that's in your head that all you can think. You're not part of reality… I could be a part of someone else's reality… their dream.

Rebekkah stops and I jolt as I try to walk on; I smile apologetically at her feeling like an idiot. She raps lightly on the white door then turns the door knob and swings it open.

Light glints off bright blonde curls around a thin face, the girls big blue eyes glance up. Concentration drains from them as they light up and she puts a nail polish bottle on a white vanity table beside her bed.

"Caroline this is Niamh."

"Hi" She beams and sticks out her thin arm to shake my hand. Her figures hidden by her pink sundress and I find that sad, her dress isn't so big yet it pools around her. I gingerly take her cold hand.

"Niamh, Caroline will be an excellent roommate." Rebekkah acclaims.

"Why, thank you." Caroline grins and she nods.

"Would you kindly show Niamh the grounds and have her back by three for her check up and for her to say goodbye to her mother"

Goodbye… so final..so resolute… abandoning.

My palm burns and suppressing the urge to hit something makes my bones rattle.

"Of course." Caroline quips unfolding herself from the bed.

Rebekkah notices my shudder and places a hand on my shoulder, "Everything alright?"

I nod and my neck feels more floppy than usual, afternoon liquor kick. Then the nurse is gone and Caroline's taking my hand in her cool one and leading me out. Soon we're outside, it's too warm and I push my shades further up my face. Caroline's been talking…I'm not sure for how long.

"So it's not so bad once you get used to it, although my first night was the worst but I suppose it was because of the whole 'we think you're crazy go into the crazy home you crazy person' thing yano?" she finishes with a nervous giggle and then adds, "but seriously it's not so bad here."

"I'm being committed" I say flatly.

"But once you get past that…" she says with so much hope in her voice, it was almost pathetic. Was she like my mother, pathetic at the core but just in a different spectrum? No Caroline wasn't pathetic, she was just stupid, and I felt sorry for her.

Her wide blue eyes search my face mutely before she breaks out into a grin again, how can she seem so optimistic, "The quads so beautiful, you're lucky you get grounds rights right away, I had to wait a month and it sucked. I love the sun." and she held her arms out, they were so thin I'm surprised there was enough muscle in them to do as she commands. I imagine invisible strings, Caroline's as a puppet manipulated by a higher force. I imagine these strings tying around my wrists and Klaus' smiling face comes to mind.

I rub my wrists and reach anxiously into my back pocket, "Want one?" I say lighting up.

Caroline's smile falls with her arms, "That's not healthy." I snort through the smoke as I exhale, my nerves ease, she's hardly one to judge me on what healthy is. Were in a fucking mental hospital and her waist is the size of my wrist.

"Irony" I mutter and she cocks her head indicating she didn't hear so I smile and confuse her further.

"C'mon" she brushes off taking my hand again and leading me around a corner where the grounds opened up into vast lawns and one huge oak tree stood at the edge of the fences. Well… at least it's bigger than a field. We come to the stop at the stop of the patio stairs and I really focus on the people loitering around. The opposing sides visible, there were about a dozen people fully dressed in white, usually two around someone, only a few with one escort.

I give Caroline's hand an attentive little squeeze and my thumbs able to feel the outline of her bones. She gives me a shy smile before turning to me abruptly and I'm momentarily afraid she knows the evil in me.

She purses her lips, "Can we be friends?"

I'm reduced to nothing at her request. "I thought we were" I stammer uncertainly. She inhales deeply so her collarbones strain against her skin and breathes out with a big grin.  
Her thin arms circle around my neck although she holds her body away from me, she hugs me quickly before pulling away. I take a long drag on my cigarette.

"I've missed having a roommate." She sings taking my hands again and we follow the path around the building, passing benches, one of which occupies a rocking old man and his nurse.

"So were allowed to mix on the grounds" I ask quietly.

"Oh yes, and in the canteen but were not allowed in each other's wards." She tells me freely and then adds, "Obviously."

"Obviously" I repeat nervously.

"What happened to your other roommate? Did she get better?" I ask finishing my cigarette and throwing it away. Caroline spins and sits down on to the last bench on the stretch of path.

"Um, well, she killed herself." She says with an awkward laugh at the end before staring down at her hands.

"Oh, I'm sorry." I murmur feeling a rush of empathy and sitting down beside her. I notice at the end of the path, a wall cuts into our wide lawn. It pushes out from the hospital in a wide box shape, claiming a portion of our grounds. I hear a distant mewling sound from beyond the wall and I wonder if I'm imagining it.

"Its okay." she says softly, "She went down to storage and hung herself with a bed sheet."

"Oh…" I feel like I'm drowning because I need to say something insightful and caring, "Say Caroline, what's behind that wall…I mean is it to stop us going out the front?"

She glances up and crosses her legs, the bend of her knees resting on her mid thigh. When she speaks I stop gawking, she's so tiny, "That's 'The Wall'" she says ominously, "It's the point of no return, for most, once you go over you don't come back." She grins sadly at me, "That's where the real crazy people go, where they do shocks and there's no helping you."

The mewling gets louder to emphasis her point.

"You want to stay on this side." She says softly, getting up and taking my hand and pulling me back down the path. I light up another cigarette.

"So no one comes back when they go over the wall." I ask quietly.

"Just one." She replies simply and I don't pursue the subject.

I look out over the vivid green that shines in the bright sun. Some people look normal…others not so much, then again what is normal. Normal is for pretend. I look at the people in white, the expert pretenders. My eyes flick from face to face until they rest on one, unable to pass on. His black curls shine's like raven feathers. His head's bent over a book as he sits cross legged on the grass, he's reading to a little boy in a wheel chair.

When I'm closer I can hear him, his voice is soft and rhythmatic, like he savours every word. He appreciates every word. I like that.

"That's Blaine" Caroline whispers in my ear and like a sixth sense he glances up. My heart stutters and a grin warmer than Caroline's breaks over his face.

"Hello Caroline."

"Hi" she says shyly with a little wave.

"Who's you friend" he asks politely, his brown eyes are kind and flecked with gold. I take another draw on my cigarette and look at his arms; their strong and I want to touch them.

"This is Niamh" Caroline says proudly, "She's my-"

"Friend" I quip exhaling smoke and pulling my glasses low to peek over the top. He's even more striking in clarity then in shade.

"Any friend of Caroline's is a friend of mine" he says turning his smile on me and I bite my lip in that way I know boys like. His voice is calming, soothing, he has a kind aura and I feel I could be in his presence all the time.

The boy reaches out for Blaine and tugs on his clothes and points furiously back at the grand house. I push my glasses back up to hide my annoyed stare.

"Okay, I'll take you back up now" he says kneeling down in front of him and handing him the book, "You hold onto this for me, I'll take you up and Vivian will read the rest and I'll go find Rebekkah."

The boy nods vigorously. Blaine stands up and takes the handles of the chair, "Pleasure meeting you." He says and his eyes linger before he starts wheeling the boy away. I want him to come back.

"Blaine's one of the best here." She says fondly and I hum in agreement. I watch him wheel the boy into the door furthest from the one we came out of, entrance to the men's ward, and the come out a while later laughing freely with a nurse. I want to know what makes him laugh. Caroline lies out babbling beside me on the grass.

"I'll be back in a moment." I announce standing up. Caroline stops mid sentence and leans up on her forearms.

"I'm meant to be your tour guide." She says anxiously.

"You are. I'll be back." I dismiss and start walking quickly up the lawn. When I reach the steps Rebekkah passes, walking briskly and doesn't notice me.

"They're bringing him back tonight" she says into a walkie-talkie.

I round the corner and Blaine's coming back out the side door and round the next corner, the fence cuts us off there so what could he be doing…

He leans against the brick, next to fence, in the shade and he lights up. His eyebrows rise in surprise when he sees me and he takes the cigarette out of his mouth looking bashful, it's cute, I envy the cigarette. He motions to the white stick in his hand, "I know it's bad for you, I really should quit"

"Can I bum one?"

He nods and holds out the carton to me, I take one and he lights it up. I trace the lines of his face, his cheek bones until he puts the lighter away and grins at me. I inhale deeply.

"I would say you deserve a guilty pleasure seeing you have a stressful job." I murmur leaning against the wall.

He smiles and looks at the ground, "I like my job, I like to help but your right, it can be a handful." He glances up and I smile like I understand.

"I think it's wonderful what you do."

He gives me a coy look, "Thank you. I want to do more though, I'm a carer now, hopefully one day I'll be a doctor. I'll be able to make the difference."

"I think you make more of a difference than you know." I say exhaling smoke and I feel his eyes on me, it makes me feel powerful, "Caroline's very fond of you."

He looks humbled and I'd proud of myself.

"Caroline's sweet" he says affectionately and my eyes flash. He looks up at me and says with such sincerity, "I'm glad she's allowed visitors again, she needs a friend."

I nod, "I've missed her."

He stares at me, a smile playing his petal pink lips and they purse around his cigarette. I stare at them longer than necessarily and I glance up at him. He looks away and grins shyly.

"So do you live in San Diego or are you visiting?" He asks and its evident he's trying to find a suitable topic. I move closer along the wall, leaning my shoulder on it and looking up at him from under my eyelashes.

"Why? Do you want to ask me out." I say softly, my heart travels up to my mouth. His eyes widen in surprise to my forwardness and he looks at the ground bashfully again.

"That would be nice" he nods biting his lip and I make it apparent I'm staring at it. A gentle breeze blows around us and carries his scent, he smells divine, masculine. He's finished his cigarette and I take the last draw of mine, throwing it over the fence.

"I should probably get back" He says looking uncertain and I reach out and let my fingers run over the curve of his bicep. He's statue still and I know I've got the control, he's mine for the taking.

"Mhm" I hum, "just one second" and I reach up and press my lips against his. He doesn't respond but his lips part and I kiss him again, this time he does. He places his hand gently on my waist and tilts his head. My hands travel up his chest to his shoulder, slowly and I let them run down his arms. It's thrilling and I press my body against his so he's pushed against the wall. His chest heaves gently and I run my tongue against his bottom lip, his finger curl lightly around my neck. His touch is delicate and makes me feel more powerful. I lean up onto my tip toes and in the same movement dip my tongue into his mouth and he moans. My grip on his arms tighten. We break apart and I lean back on my feet.

"Wow." He says, blinking. I smirk and lean up again but he resists gently, "I think you should let me take you out on that date." He murmurs.

"There's a canteen, you could buy me a coffee." I murmur playfully and he grins. The hand on my neck drops to my waist and he straightens up so it's less intimate. I resist pouting.

"You're unlike any girl I've ever met before." He says looking at me like I'm a foreign jewel.

"This isn't allowed!" Caroline's stands by the corner looking frightened and wide eyed.

"Caroline" Blaine says dropping his hands and looks rueful.

Oh shit.

"Its frowned upon, yes." Blaine tries to joke, his cheeks turning pink. I rush over to Caroline and start pulling her away.

"I hardly think making out with a patient is frowned upon!" She protests more angrily.

"Patient?" His brows furrow in bewilderment before realisation hits his face, he looks stricken.

"Come on Caroline!" I urge and take her hand as she realises too.

"You didn't tell him?" she exclaims as I pull her towards the women's entrance. I don't answer, why did I do that?

What the fuck was wrong with me.

"Don't tell anyone" I plead.

"I won't" she murmurs but she looks disapproving. I ignore it.

"You wouldn't want him to lose his job" I snap and her eyes widen.

"No" she whispers as we start up the stairs. By the time we reach the ward Caroline's leaning heavily on me and panting. I'm disturbed by how light she is, how thin her skin feels to me.

"Are you okay?" I ask as fear pangs in my stomach.

"Tired" she murmurs and I support her back to our room and set her down on to her bed. Someone's left my suitcase on mine.

"I don't want him to get fired…" she says quietly and then I think she's asleep. I sit down on my bed and wonder should I call someone, oh shit what if I've hurt her.

She looks more like a marionette more than ever; her limbs folded toward her little body like the strings have been cut and she's waiting for someone to bring her to life again.

"How are we doing in here?" Rebekkah asks in her soft voice, coming into the room. Her eyes find Caroline and I try and suppress the panic.

"She got tired." I explain trying not fidget. Her lips purse and she writes something down on her chart. Caroline stirs.

"Too many stairs" she mumbles with a sheepish grin and props herself up on her pillow.

"We've talked about your energy levels Caroline and if they continue to drop…"

"I know." She interrupts the gentle rebuke and traces the dress pattern on her knee. She looks so sad.

"Hello there" Rebekkah greets and I look up to find my mother in the door way, scanning my room. The walls are bright blue, I hadn't noticed. The furniture's white and glossy, so the room look cool and calm.

"Well this is lovely, isn't it Niamh?" she manages to say. I stare at her.

"Caroline why don't you help me make some tea." Rebekkah asks subtly and Caroline unfolds herself from the bed, excusing herself with a little wave.

"That girl looks awful, poor thing." My mother simpers when they're out of ear shot. I don't offer anything in return. She shifts uncomfortable and then holds out my bag to me, I take it.

"Well this is nice" she says again looking around the room and then at me expectantly, I shrug.

"You're such hard work." she sighs and rubs her forehead.

"Good thing it's not your problem anymore then."

"Oh don't be ridiculous, it is not like that." She snaps and then tries to reason, "I'm at my wits end, last night's stunt… I'm so worried about you. What if you killed yourself?"

"What if I did?"

She lets out a little sob and covers her mouth with her hand, I feel ashamed.

"I'm sorry, I didn't..."

She holds up her hand to silence me and sits down on Caroline's bed. The silence is uncomfortable and I want her to go but I'm also terrified that when she does everything will be so finale.

"You have a therapy session with Dr. Ben Harmon sometime later this week, he'll be your regular therapist and then you'll meet with Dr. Mikaelson once a month so he can what progress you're making." She tells me. Her heads bowed so I can't see her face through her sun hat, she's still upset. Fucking drama queen.

"How long for?" I mumble to the floor.

"Recovery can't be measured in an allotted time but only by progress." It's obvious it's something she's already asked and has memorized the answer, "But I'm hopeful you'll be back in time for Christmas."

Christmas. Cocktail party season. Four parties at our house, a gala and winter dance at the Berry's...all the same mindless people, all the same endless chatter. The thoughts depressing.

Warm hands slide around my face and I'm startled to find her so close.

"I love you very much." And she kisses my forehead. It's a simple gesture, why can't life be simple. What happened to me…I'm not even sure what 'me' is.

"Now, I have a yoga class at half four and I promised the girls I wouldn't be late." She says standing up and adjusting her hat and sliding on her lace gloves, "I'll call you darling." She smiles, but there's a wild scream from the ward followed by a crash and maniac laughter.

"Gracious." She whispers and looks at me anxiously, her eyes start to glaze but she covers them with her sun glasses and heads for the door. Caroline's on the other side, holding some polyester cups and looking uneasy.

"It was a fucking joke, lighten up Becks." A female voice teases.

Caroline comes into the room giving a shy smile to my mother, who's eyes look at her tiny frame critically. I actually think she's jealous, her sick twisted little mind wishes she could get closer to Caroline's size.

"Bye sweetie." My mother says and she closes the door behind her.

"You mom seems nice." Caroline says.

"Don't they all" I reply tiredly and she gives me a sympathetic smile.

We drink our tea in silence, strange noises coming from the ward outside from time to time. Caroline never looks up at these though, she carries on doing her nails and I guess she's used to it. When the sun's lower and shadows cast around the room I change and get into bed.

"Don't you want to go to dinner?" she asks.

"No."

"Me neither."

I hope I'm not a responsible influence on her decisions, surely they wouldn't make me, they have to have some idea of what they're doing here…

*

"Checks" a voice pipes as a fluorescent light shines harshly into the room. My eyes adjust to see one of the nurse's scribble on her chart and then close the door.

"Caroline" I croak and she stirs, "why do they do that?"

"To make sure you haven't run away" she mumbles, "They'll space checks out the longer you're here."

I've nothing to run back to, nothing I find compelling, maybe I should tell them that…

I'm being lulled back into the depths of my mind, Caroline's soft snores pushing me into slumber… then there's a distant disturbance and I wonder if I'm imagining it. My mind punishing me by denying peace but then I hear it again.

I sit up in bed wondering if I've lost it but Caroline leans up to, we look at each other confused. It sounds like a far off voice, echoey, and like someone shouting in a distant corridor.

Then it's quiet.

"Is that normal?" I breathe, my heart beating rapidly in my ears.

"No" she moans.  
_  
_The voice starts again, and now it sounds male…and they're singing.

"_Goin down, Party time..."_

There's a bang and I imagine the door to the nurses' station being flung against the wall.  
Caroline yelps and dives back under her covers.

"_My friends are gonna be there too! IM ON THE HIGHHHHWAY TO HELL"_

There's shouting in the distance, I can more authortive voices scrambling around, nurses yelling. The singing continues and it's like they're taunting them.

Other women on the ward have come out of their rooms at the commotion, one persons singing with him mixed with urgent voices trying to shush them.

Maniac laughter rings down the corridor, the male voice, "Did you miss me?" and then he's laughing again and a girl laughs with him. Someone tells her to go back to her room and he starts shouting in protest to something and then it's quiet again, only the scuffle of shoes on lino floor.

Our doors flung open again and a light shines in, "check" a faceless nurse says before closing the door quickly. I can hear her repeat the same gesture up and down the ward.

"What the hell was that?" I whisper into the dark. Every hair is standing on end and for the first time in a long time, I don't feel safe, not stuck in my rut of unfeeling, I'm afraid.

Caroline squeaks from under her covers.

"What?"

"Tate" she whispers.


	2. Chapter 2

"_Do you ever think…that maybe you're not real. Like you're a vision that those you choose to see you do? I can be so invisible when I want to be…and even when I don't want to be."_

I open my eyes, there's smoke drifting up…up…up. Circling and dancing, such an ugly colour but so beautiful in movement, like people, ugly on the surface…ugly through and through. I cock my head to the side as the smoke sways to the right and escapes out the open window, smoke…kills…people kill…smoke leaves…people leave. Smoke fades and people die.

"That's deep." Vicky rasps nodding, breathing out more grey poison. My heads so heavy and I can't lift it properly.

"I've lost, lost my bones" I giggle trying to get up and she laughs to. I want to leave, I don't like the smell of this room anymore.

"C'mere" I try and focus on the voice, the kind voice from above. I see Jesse. I like Jesse. He holds out his hand and I smile at it. He doesn't realise I have no bones, my hand will slip through his. If I can be invisible, why can't grow my own bones? So I do and take Jesse's hand.

"Feeling alright?" he asks and his breath tickles my ear and runs down my spine. Jesse was good, he was dented by life, like life beats people but he was still intact. Life had snuck up on me and punched a gaping hole through me…it took my dad. I want it to be filled….

"C'mere" I grip his shoulders and search for his mouth, I find his jaw and then softer… he gives me his lips. His t-shirt irritates my finger-tips, it's not natural, I need natural.

"Get a room!"

I want to hide, I bury my face in his shoulder and were moving. A cold sheet of metal is against my naked back, it send a jolt through my body like its kick starting my senses. I want my whole body pressed against it. Opening my eyes, realities on the fringes, I'm against the loft's slidey door and Jesse squeezes my ass and I moan in approval. His hands grip my thighs and he pulls me up his body to his waist.

"I told your mom I'd have you home by one" he breathes into my shoulder as I buck my hips.

"Fuck my mom" I mumble and look for his lips again.

"Are you fucking serious? Have a little dignity."

"Piss off Katherine" he growls. She laughs… I don't like her laughing at me. I push Jesse away and I fall to the floor. I scramble up the metal wall and use it as a guide back to the room, with people, with friends.

"Niamh!"

"She's fucked, leave her."

People laugh at me, it's disgusting, they think I'm nothing, think I'm something to laugh at…I'm not…am I? 

_It's too warm in here, I need out. I find Vicky and grab her hand._

"I need…I need to go outside, I need fresh air."

"No problem bunny" she says untangling herself from the sofa's grip. I try to stay up right, my bones are melting away again, follow her to the fire exit. I snatch up a bottle of vodka. There are too many stairs and finally she falls through the rabbit hole…fresh, cold, air washes over me and I dive after her.

"Higher than a mother fucker!" she shouts twirling around the rooftop, more laughter spills out behind me… people have followed, they don't think I'm nothing, they followed me.

*

"Niamh!"

I open my eyes; bright blue greets me, my rooms not this bright in the mornings…

"It's nine, breakfast time." Caroline says softly. Her face makes me sad, it looks thinner with her hair wrapped around rollers.

"I'm just gonna sleep." I murmur pulling my blanket over my head.

"It's dinner time."

"I'm tired."

"Okay…"

"Checks."

I groan and bury my face in the mattress.

"Niamh, it's breakfast time."

Caroline sits at the end of my bed, her hair in perfect tumbles.

My heads fuzzy.

"No thanks" I murmur and pull the covers up over my head. I hear her leave and I slip away.  
…..Someone shrieks and I stir…then laughter…then nothing…. "Niamh" Caroline whispers again and I mumble in coherently, "were going to watch a move in the TV room, wanna come?" No.  
"I'm just gonna rest"  
"Okay."

It's the same the next day…I think…I can't tell if I fall out of dreaming into reality or fall out of reality into dreaming. Caroline asks me to get up again, I refuse, she sounds sad and the guilt follows me wherever I fall.

*

"_Are you going to share that?"_

"Nope"

There's a smattering noise and I realise I've thrown a good bit of the vodka around the building, "That was yours!" I laugh.

"Come on!" Vicky says reaching for my bottle. I pull back out of her reach and stumble back.

"All you people want to do is take from me" I moan.

"What? I just want a drink…" she reaches for me again but I'm quicker.

"You're not funny!" she shouts after me but I am.

"I am funny! I can be! I can be invisible and here and there and everywhere!"

"What did you give her?"

"_What's that chick on?"_

"Go get Jesse."

"_See!" I yell, as the edge of the world comes into view, I run towards it, I realise it's just an edge not of the world, maybe a spring board. I climb up onto and look out…_

"Oh my god! Niamh get down!"

There's a smashing noise and I realise I've dropped my bottle, shared of it glint on the pavement down below.

"Just like Mary Poppins" I giggle and skip up the edge. One guy smiles at me, he thinks Im entertaining.

"Wow this is high up" I say to myself realising just how much of the world I can see. My arms fly out and I try and balance myself, I'm like an acrobat on a tight rope. The sea shimmers and sparkles in the distance like it's made of a thousand sapphires.

"Yes it is! So get down! Please!" Vicky holds her hand out to me, she's afraid, but she doesn't have to be. The universe determines if I'm safe and if I'm not. If it pushes me over then that's that.

"It's not my choice." I tell her and she grips her hair.

"Who the fuck let her get up there!"

My knee jerks…oh no…my bones are melting away, dissolving and I'm so high up. I let out a cry as my body sways forward, the universe wants me dead.

The ground disappears and I'm hoisted back.

"I'm taking you home!" Jesse says gruffly in my ear. I hide in his should as my feet trip and drag. I hear people, but I don't listen.

"I'm so sorry, we crashed and I just woke up now." My heads swimming and there's a numbing cold pressed on it. I sit up and roll my head away from the window. Jesse's on the phone, and angry noise coming from the other end, "I'll bring her home now."

"What?" I protest weakly but he doesn't look at me. I am in trouble.

Jesse makes a noise but I'm not listening, I jolt to the right under his grip, "What all have you taken?"

"Stop" I say pushing him away and curling up into the seat. He was taking me home and I didn't like him anymore.

"Stop what?"

I blink and adjust to the bright, ocean blue room. Caroline's applying mascara to one eye and looking at me with the other.

"I was dreaming" I grumble sitting up.

"Are you getting up today?" Caroline exclaims looking excited.

"Guess so" I murmur and she claps her bony hands together.

"How do you do that without a mirror?" I ask gesturing to her little make up bag on the vanity.

"Oh, practice." She smiles, "It is okay isn't it? There's no smudges?" she says scrambling over to my bed and tilting her face this way and that.

"No"

She breathes a sigh of relief and then a melancholy looks come over her, "I'm not allowed a mirror, or even a compact. Ridiculous really." She gives me a weak smile.

"Why?"

"Because it makes the voice in my head louder."

*  
"We'd like to go down to the canteen" Caroline tells the nurse manning the desk in the station.

"Glad to see you're out of bed" Rebekkah winks, walking into the TV room with a tray of meds.

The girl with rimmed black eyes is staring at me as she sways from side to side on her rolling chair. She holds up a grey puppet on her hand, she makes it wave. I turn back to Caroline who's signed us out. There's the sound of wheels on the lino and I back up against the desk when I find the girl in front of us.

Caroline tries to pull me aside but she swerves her chair in order to block us, her eyes trained on my face. She points the puppet at me, "So what are you in for?" she reaches out and grabs my wrist and turns it over, "No scars" I snatch my hand back.

Caroline huffs angrily and tries to pull us away but she blocks us again, "Do you mind? I'm trying to welcome the newbie." And she cocks her head to the side and lets that creepy smile play across her lips, "Well at least you got an exciting first night, you heard him right?"

"Everyone heard him." Caroline says exasperated.

"I'm not talking to you fatso"

Caroline flinches and looks at the ground.

"Hey" Rebekkah snaps in unison with her fingers. She stares at the girl until she holds up her hands in apology. Rebekkah disappears inside the nurses' station.

"Don't pretend like you haven't missed him Caroline" the girl goads and my friend wraps her slender arms around her tiny frame.

"Leave her alone." I demand flatly. Her hostile eyes look at me and I resist the urge to shrink away.

"Not everyone idolises the criminally insane Hayden" A sullen looking girl says coming up to the counter and telling the nurse she's going outside.

"I thought you of all people would, being the princess of darkness and all" Hayden retorts, "Anyway things are going to get much more interesting around here again."

"You know they won't let him over the wall this time." The other girl says, shuffling off with her head bent.

"We'll see" Hayden drawls happily, starting to push her chair back to the TV area, "I give him a month."

I take Caroline's cold hand and follow the other girl to the stairs, "Well she's fucking insane."  
Caroline giggles at my statement and lets her other arm fall from her side, she's soon bubbly again.

As soon as were in the sunlight I pop my shades on and Caroline sighs happily.

"Who is that?" I ask pointing to the sullen girl who's sitting under the oak tree with a book.

"That's Violet. I remember the night they brought her in, they tried to give us pills to sleep but I tongued mine. She came in shouting that she was dead… she could have woke the dead honestly."

"Is she better than she was then?"

"I suppose, she comes outside now."

"How long has she been here?"

"6 months I think."

"And you?"

"A year."

Standing in front of the mini-buffet I watch Caroline's face. Her hands clasped tightly around her tray, the dent between her furrowed eyebrows, the strain on her face. If we were all here to battle with our demons this was Caroline's. I hadn't been brought up against mine yet, I'm sure my session with Dr. Harmon would be chance to lure it out. Yet looking at Caroline it was easy to see her demon faced her every day, it was the puppeteer.

She looks around anxiously as other people start filing into the canteen, most led by nurses, other carers walk around the tables.

"Take your time" I murmur softly picking up a bowl of oatmeal. Caroline watches my choice expressionless, I know she disapproves and I try not to get irritated. I pour honey over the top.  
People flutter past us, grabbing this and that.

Caroline picks up a small pot of blueberries I suspect is meant to go with a bowl of oatmeal. I rack my brain quickly, I remember the few magazines stashed under her bed.

"Yano, my mom works for a magazine; she's in charge of models. Recruiting them and such." I don't know if it's the right thing to say but glancing up it seems I have her undivided attention. "When they get recruited she's gives them their diet plans…"

I don't look at her as I ask a carer behind the bench for coffee, he checks my wrist band for its marked approval.

"What do they have?" she asks quietly.

"A lot of fruit in the mornings, sometimes yogurts." What the biggest load of bull shit, what the fuck am I doing, she must know I'm lying.

Caroline purses her lips and gingerly reaches out for another little pot. I pretend not to notice and lead the way to a table. When we sit down I ignore Caroline's obvious turmoil, she glares at the little berries.

"Um, so what's with this Tate guy?" I ask. Caroline's head snaps up, well that got her attention.

"He's strange" she murmurs looking thoughtful and I laugh, she grins realising the irony, "I mean he… I suppose it's a little bit like high school. You have people you admire and fear at the same time." I don't remember admiring anyone at my school… I hardly remember anyone from my school…how the fuck did I graduate? "He's someone you admire and fear…he's hard to explain."

"So you admire and fear him?" I ask incredulously.

Caroline looks thoughtful and pops a blueberry in her mouth, I try not to show my pleasure and concentrate on my oatmeal. By the time she speaks she's eaten three, "I admire how he's gotten people to fear and admire him."

"How does he do that?"

I think of Hayden and how excited she looked when she mentioned Tate, it's unnerving.

"He gets inside your head." She says finally.

"Sounds like therapy" I try to joke but she doesn't laugh and she's stopped eating.

"Have you seen Blaine?" I ask quietly and she looks surprised at the change of topic.

"Why do you wanna lock lips again?" she says rising her eyebrows and I squirm.

"No, it's just, he hasn't quit or gotten in trouble has he?" I ask letting my spoon scrape the bowl. I remember how thrilling it was kissing him, pushing him against the wall and how he wanted to take me out.

He was … lovely.

I feel terrible.

"I seen him out there yesterday, he had his guitar with him" she murmurs finishing her first pot.

"Guitar?"

She shrugs, "He has it with him sometimes…" she blinks down at the empty pot. I worry she's going to freak out but after a pause she lifts another blueberry one from the second one, "He likes his job too much, he won't have told anyone."

"You sure?" I ask feeling envy prickle my hairline, why does she know so much and I don't. She nods.

She pops two more blueberries in her mouth and I don't want to talk about it anymore. The guilt swells, "I need a cigarette"

"So let's go sunbathe" she beams getting up, she hesitates before reaching out for the last blueberry. I hide my grin by returning my tray.

I light up as soon as were out, better but I have a headache.

"Do you really like that?" Caroline asks scrunching up her nose and taking hold of my arm.

"Guess so."

"When's your first session with Ben?" she takes in my confused look, "Dr. Harmon."

"Tomorrow…I think. What's he like?"

"He's okay." She says and it looks like she's chosen her words carefully, we start down the steps to the grass. I look around for a sign of curly black hair.

"Why do you say it like that?"

"Well…he's Hayden's favourite and there are rumours about them and I think you should be wary of anything that she likes."

"You've got to be kidding me."

I feel physically sick at the thought of faceless Ben Harmon wanting me do to things to deem myself 'recovered'…. Then again Dr. Mikaelson…

I steer Caroline towards the tree Violets still under, I want shade, she wants to bathe, I cross over the line and Caroline lies down on the grass.

Violet looks up warily.

"Mind?" I ask she shakes her long curtain of hair. I offer her a cigarette and she takes it. I sink down onto the cool grass, folding my legs as I do so.

"Its good you're coming outside now" Caroline chirps and Violet stares at her. She lights up her cigarette.

"It's the one place Hayden doesn't go" she says dully, "win, win."

"What's wrong with Hayden?"

"Besides the fact she's bat-shit crazy" Violet mutters and Caroline grins.

"I think she has OCD…and anger issues." Caroline says lazily, "I think she cuts."

"I'm just depressed, how boring."

"Anorexic nervosa" Caroline says quietly.

"Whats your diagnonsense?" Violet asks me.

"I don't know yet" I murmur looking out over the quad. A woman is running around in circles with her arms outstretched. An old man is crawling on all fours and other people stand or sit statue-like.

"Makes you feel normal doesn't it?" Violet says staring bleakly at them all. I'm not sure how I feel.

Light glints off black in the distance, I'm drawn to it like a magpie. Blaine's helping an old lady up from the bench, I think he sees me but I turn away.

We sit out all afternoon, Violet leaves without a word and Caroline tells me she's from Newport Beach, close to Oceanside, where Blaine's from. He comes out twice more and I feel he makes the effort to not look in my direction. A nurse comes over, does a check, tries to coax us inside, we try and persuade her to let us eat out…well I do. She doesn't allow it. Caroline has her anxious face on as we go back into the canteen. She grips my arm.

"Niamh, um, what do, what does your mom make them eat at dinner?"

Oh fuck…

"Uh, greens. Grilled chicken. " She nods, I don't know what to add to that without getting caught out…I'll have to ask Rebekkah.

The canteens less full than the mornings, dominated more by carers.

"Let me hold that." I take the tray from Caroline who's shaking it so much it's irritating the shit out of me.

They don't have chicken, only beef and Caroline refuses it flatly. I lift two bowls of soup and a bread roll, to which she glares at, and lead the way to the table. One of the nurses I recognise from our ward looks surprised. A woman screams and throws her tray at a window; she's then swarmed by carers.

Fucking crazy people.

"I'll get water" I mutter and Caroline nods mutely. I try and hurry because I have a feeling the more time Caroline has to think the better chance she'll throw the bowl at the wall. I should have a fucking carer's uniform.

A woman flings her arm out at me and I stumble aside, catching my foot on a seat and I smack into someone causing us both to fall. The woman cackles behind me as I stare wide eyed at his face, my fingers reflexively grip his arms tighter. Blaine looks mortified and I scramble up.

"Are you alright?" he asks standing and refusing to look me in the eye. I want to the ground to swallow me up…or backhand the cackling idiot.

"Fine." I breathe.

"Good" he coughs and all but runs away.

A nurse comes over to make sure I'm not having a physcotic break down and looks after him bewildered. I grab the water and head back to an open mouthed Caroline who looks ready to gossip. Well at least I can distract her…

Caroline leans on me as we come up the stairs, this time I think she's tired because she's eaten. She left a puddle at the bottom of her bowl and nibbled her half of the bread roll but it's completely wiped her out.

"I feel a bit sick" she murmurs, "good sick though. I need to sleep."

I feel proud of myself as we make it into the ward, checking in with the nurse manning the door. I had gotten Caroline to eat, not properly eat but eat none the less. Maybe these people didn't have a fucking clue what they were doing. It was Sand Diego, they could be like everyone else, do anything to make a buck. Convince rich people their kids were fucking crazy and charge whatever they wanted in order to 'help' them. Rebekkah gives us a quizzical look from the other end of the ward and I can't help but glare at her, fucking pretenders. Caroline flops down on to her bed and I panic she's broken her spine but she rolls over with a lazy smile on her face. I mirror it sinking down onto my own bed.

"You aren't going to freak out are you? I ask lighting up.

"No" she says quietly, "I think I'm happy" and she beams.

I regard her hollow cheeks, sharp collar bones, "You always look happy" I mutter bitterly.

The door swings open and Rebekkah comes in, "Everything alright?"

"I ate" Caroline grins, closing her eyes, "and now I'm tired..."

Rebekkah glances at me and I nod and exhale.

"Well, that wonderful Caroline." She makes Caroline tell her what and I finish my cigarette.

"Keep it up" Rebekkah praises but as pulls the door closed, her smile fall and she looks uneasy. What was the problem now? Don't eat were not happy, do eat were not happy.

"Fucking mad people" I mutter and pull out another cigarette. Caroline's dozing and I've finished my second cigarette and pulled out my journal by the time she comes around.

"I'm just gonna change …" she murmurs.

"Bummer. I had the whole night planned, hit a bar, meet some guys, and bring them back here…" I drawl not looking up from the page.

I hear her pull out her drawer and it followed by silence. I glance up and see the bare space, only a patient's night gown. She lifts it out slowly.

"Where are all my clothes" she whispers to herself and then she's flinging open the door so it bangs off the wall, "Hayden!" she screams.

"Caroline!" I scramble off the bed after her. I rush past Violet who's come out of her room and past a woman rocking on the floor with her hands over her ears.

"I don't have your fucking clothes you crazy bitch!" Hayden shouts at Caroline who's bearing over her rolling seat.

"Caroline calm down!" Rebekkah instructs calmly, holding up her hands and getting in between.

"You've taken my clothes! Why would you take my clothes?" Caroline shrieks waving the hospital gown.

Hayden begins to laugh at her.

"Just give her back her clothes!" I yell furiously at the demented bitch.

I knew Caroline liked her things, it was obvious, they were her comfort and in a place like this it was evil and cruel to steal someone else's only means security. My bloods bubbling and my palms are burning.

"She doesn't have her clothes." A nurse protests trying to pull me gently from the scene, Caroline is losing it and it was only making me angrier.

"Will you listen to me! I. Don't. Have. Your. Fucking. Clothes." Hayden sounds out now on her feet and trying to talk around the male carer who's now pushing her back, "Why the fuck would I want them anyway? I don't fit into little kids clothes!"

"We took them, Caroline, listen, we took them" Rebekkah says and I look at her really fucking confused.

"Why would you take my clothes?" Caroline asks bewildered, her eyes becoming glassy.

"Because you weren't going to get them back until you ate something."

"I have!" she cries.

"I'm checking with the orderly on duty and we'll see."

"God!" Caroline screams and she runs back down to our room.

"Eat something! Eat something!" A girl starts singing and laughing crazily.

"Think about kicking her valium up a notch, Jesus Christ." Hayden says, swinging around in her chair.

"Niamh I'd like a word." Rebekkah demands and I blanch, what the fuck have I done. She leads me away from the TV area and away from Hayden who's smiling and waving her puppet at me.

"Are you going to give them back?" I blurt out and fold my arms across my chest.

"Not right now no."

"But she did eat" I protest.

"For the first time in a little over week." Rebekkah retorts, "What you must know about Caroline is that she is co-dependent and that is a responsibility thrust upon you. You will affect her mood and that is not fair, I know." She says cutting me off, "We have to try and make Caroline want to do this for herself, and that will now mean having to earn her clothes back."  
It's twisted and I feel unnerved. Rebekkah has the control, the higher power and power can be abused. The urge to run away from her makes me shift from foot to foot.

"And what if she gets them back and stops eating again?"

"I'm afraid that information is classified." She says calmly, miss high and mighty, I hate her, "One thing I do request that any compliments you give Caroline, any at all, must not be directed towards her weight. It's vitally important you remain impartial no matter what she asks you."

"I don't feel like complying with your requests."

"You should if you want her to get better." She says it levelly but the hidden manipulation makes me want to punch her, "You appointment with Dr. Harmon is tomorrow at one, I'll take you" she smiles and walks off.

I have been here five days and I'm responsible for a girl I've only know for a few hours out of that time. Isn't there fucking job to look after her? They were all pretenders, from the moment I came in. Dr. Klaus' fucking speech about me being looked after, I'd be doing the looking after!

"That's how they'll keep you here." Hayden says, jumping up onto the book shelf next to me, "When she gets worse it'll fuck you up so bad mommy will have to dish out for another year."

"Fuck you." I snap and start back to my room.

"Charming." She laughs.

I pause outside the door, I can hear Caroline crying, the type of crying where you can't speak or acknowledge the world around you. I hadn't cried like that in a very long time.  
I take a deep breath, "Caroline."

She's on her bed, her pillow held against her chest and her face hidden in it as she sobs. I don't know if I should touch her, hug her or even speak. So I sit down on my bed and light up, I can't deal with this. Memories of how my mom would sit in the living room, crying to herself, being so unhappy and lying about it, how she wouldn't do anything to help herself. Throbbing ripples through my skull. I realise I've sucked so hard on my cigarette that it's burned to the stub. I let out the smoke and try not to cough.

Her pillows thicker than she is and I consider what Rebekkah's done…

"Caroline" I try but she sobs louder, "Fuck me" I mutter to myself and pull another cig, realising I only have two left. Oh hell. As I stare down at the carton and ponder how to make more sanity sticks appear, there's a quiet knock on the door.

I cock my eyebrow at Violet who's holding something white and purple in her hands. She looks at the floor and mumbles something.

"What?" I'm aggravated.

Violet looks at me and then Caroline and says her name. Caroline doesn't hear her and violet looks at me for help. I lift my pillow and hurl it at her, fucking drama queens.

Caroline's face is red and blotchy … and now angry. She glares at me and I point at Violet.

"My, my uh, mom got me this. It's not my style." She murmurs putting the garment down on the bed, "it might be a little big."

Caroline looks at it, hiccups, looks at her, "Thank you" she mumbles. Violet nods and scurries out, I hear her door slam. Caroline lifts up the thing gingerly and it falls out of its folds to reveal a purple and white, swirly print dress.

"Groovy." I mutter and Caroline traces its patterns. All systems seem to be under control.

"Your legs will look awful in that." Hayden critics flatly, leaning on our door frame. Her red hair hangs limply and doesn't look like it's been washed for days. Caroline looks from Hayden and silently back to the dress, tears stream down her cheeks. I get up and cross the room. Hayden eyes me; I lean forward and exhale the smoke and slam the door in her scowling face.

Caroline's folding the sides of the dress in, like she's trying to make it smaller.

"It'll look nicer the way it is" I tell her. Well it was better than a nightgown. Thinking of baths…when could I have one.

A little while later Rebekkah wants to talk to her, so I make myself scarce…as scarce as you can in a ward with about twenty other people. I wonder close to the TV area, Violet sits by herself on the sofa. I sit down at the other end and hold my cigs out to her, she takes one.

"From Caroline." I hold the lighter out for her to and decide to save my last stick for the foreseeable future.

"I don't see the point in watching people be miserable, not when you can do something to help" she says quietly.

"I wonder if they feel the same way" I reply watching Rebekkah walk back to the nurses' station. I pull up my feet as a girl crawls along against the sofa.

There's wheels on lino, "So do the investors of this place know people are running loose around the wards at night?"

"No one is running loose" Rebekkah replies dryly.

"Holy Shit, someone better tell Ben I'm hallucinating now" Hayden states sarcastically, "Because I could swear I seen Tate Langdon singing ACDC on top of that table." I look at the inanimate object and try and imagine this faceless person dancing on, mocking the pretenders. I kind of like the idea.

"Hayden" she warns, disappearing inside the station.

"You seen it, didn't you sweet pea?" she says to violet who doesn't look up.

"Uhhhh you people are boring" Hayden drones letting her head fall back.

"I seen him. I seen the boy. Boy has a dick." The crawling woman quips staring at nothing on the floor, "DICK." The nurse with spectacles shushes her.

I wonder how long I can content myself here. Sitting in silence with Violet, listening to Caroline's erratic babbling and only have my thoughts and cigarettes to succumb to. How long before I get bored of them even… not long. I'll lose it, I'll lose it completely in here, especially with the likes of Hayden. And what could seem bad, like Caroline's babbling giving me headache is there being no Caroline to give me a headache, I think. We've all been stripped down to see what we are behind make-up and material and the act we put on for society, to be who we are when no one's looking. The problem was, I'd put all my effort into that never happening and now it was going to be forced on me sooner than later…

When the lights have gone off around the ward, I wonder how Violet can still see the book she's reading, unless she's fallen asleep. Laughter rings out from the station, from the other side of the glass and I feel a strange tug in my chest. Blaine's filing charts into a filing cabinet and talking to Rebekkah…I finally understand that shitty expression of being so close and yet so far. I was on the insanity side of the glass window between us.

With a sigh I wander back down the ward and pull out the last cig, throwing the carton over my shoulder for Rebekkah to pick up. Caroline's sound asleep and I lie down on top of my covers…when my cigarettes out I stare at the ceiling and wonder what lies I can tell Ben Harmon.

I wonder what makes Blaine laugh.

*_  
My bones have hardened over, they melted and moulded over my joints. If I try and bend my knee's my legs will shatter. Jesse's holding my waist, I'm glad I him for support but once I figure this thing out I want him to go away. I look down at my shoes… I have shoes right? Shoes are silly… then they light up the porch._

"Wow" I breathe and I lean back. I recognise this porch, the huge door and the pillars, the frosted glass around the door… there's a shadow getting bigger behind it.

The door swings open and Jesse sucks in a breath.

"Get inside! Get inside this instant!" My mother monster shrieks. Her face is tinged red and shiny, she looks ridiculous. Giggles bubbly in my tummy and then float of around me…literally like bubbles.

"Wow" I sigh looking at them. There a sharp scrape to my shoulder and I'm propelled forward, I cry out and dig my nails into thing holding me.

"OW!" 

_I fall onto the stairs, the carpet brushing my cheek….SHIT my legs, fear coils in my tummy as I lean down examine them, falling down the few steps as I do so._

"How do you explain this!" She screams and I want to tell her to shut up. I look up to tell her but she seems far away and yelling at Jesse.

Then Rebkkah's there, with her chart… what is she doing.

I giggle again when I realise my bones have reformed… they're back to normal…I look up and she slaps Jesse and I scramble up a few steps. She was going to hurt me. The bones are back but I have to be careful, if they snap I'll be in agony…I'm nearly there.

"Niamh." I can hear Rebekkah but I can't see her. "Im going to take you away, you're not wanted here."

"Where am I going?"

I hear maniac laughter but I can't see who's laughing, the laughing everywhere, over the walls, on the ceiling…

"You're going to go to the wall, you're going to stay with Tate"

No, no,no, no. I don't want to do that.

"NAIMH!" she screeches and I scream. I'm running, I have to run, and my bones are brittle but they hold out until I get to the bathroom. I slam it closed and click the lock. Then it starts hammering, and I melt away form in horror, there something behind it, something behind it wants to get me.

"Leave me alone!" I scream and I put my head between my elbows. I need to drown out the noise.

"Open this door!"

"GO AWAY!"

I scream and scream and my throats rubbed raw. I cry when I see my skins bubbling and I need help, but theres no one to help.

"There's never anybody to help" I cry.

I can hear Jesses voice faintly and I know I've done wrong, again, I've messed up. It would be better if I weren't here. I clutch the cold marble of the sink and scramble up, my knee cracks, oh god its happening, I'm breaking, I don't want to feel it.

"Niamh I'm going to break down the door, please, please open it!" Jesse's voice is strained and I've let him down, he'll never forgive me.

The boxes and bottles rattle as they fall out of the cabinet, I grab the aspirin. The pills have split everywhere; I don't know which is which.

So I swallow them and try not to blow away when Jesse kicks the door in. 


	3. Chapter 3

One moment the ceilings black and could be completely absent, and then what seems in a blink of an eye, it's bathed in morning light and I can see the parts of the white paint peeling. There's a rustle of paper and I turn my head to see Caroline, wearing violets dress and leaning over one of her hidden magazines. I can see the ridges of her spine. Her hair hides her face and I want to see her expression as her thin fingers trace something repeatedly on the page.

I sit up and her head twitches toward me.

"Morning" I mumble and her lips twitch in a greeting before she turns back to the magazine. _There's something wrong, there's something very wrong. _The rooms tense, and it feels cold despite the bright sunshine spilling through our barred windows. The blue walls make me feel icy and uneasy because I know Caroline isn't herself.

_They want to make her better and look what they've done._

"What are you reading?" She doesn't answer me but lifts up the corner of the glossy mag to flash the title at me.

I get out of bed to stretch and peer down over her shoulder. I glimpse the page she's on, models around a vanity swimming pool in different poses, clad in their bikinis. This can't be good, "They make them pose in different ways toward the light to make them look that good, no one really looks like that."

"How would you know?" her voice is low and sounds like its make from jaggy pebbles.

"My mom, remember" I reply calmly even though my guts churn. I open my carton forgetting that it's empty and silently curse.

"Right." One word is like a quick cut of a razor.

I shift from foot to foot awkwardly; scared to speak to the only friend I thought I had, "Are you coming to breakfast?"

"No" she says quietly and drawn out like I'm stupid. My fists clench at my sides and my throat gets smaller.

"Caroline, if you don't eat you wont get-"

"I know!" she snaps and glares at me venomously. I take a step back and hit the vanity table under her gaze.

"Right" I whisper and make for the door. When I close it behind me I swear I hear her sob.

_Can't deal with this, can't deal with this, can't deal with this. _

I speed walk to the nurses' station, "I want to sign out for breakfast." I tell to whomever is manning the desk, "and when can I take a bath?" I look up from fingering a fray in my top into decorous green eyes with gold flecks. Everything in my body freezes, my hand stops reaching for the back pocket of my jeans, my breath catches in my throat and whatever thought was forming disappear in a puff of smoke. He has his hair slicked back today, greaser style like he should be donning a black leather jacket and standing in our corner with cigarette poised on his lips…

_Wait what?_

My lungs aren't indulging in this moment and demand oxygen. I draw in a breath and he blinks in the same instant, spell broken.

"Uh, sure" He says reaching for a pen, then dropping it, he ducks beneath the counter to pick it up looking flustered. I can't help but smile, but I try to hide it by looking away. I hear him scribble on paper, "Okay that's done, and I'll ask Rebekkah, about um, the bath."

"Do you do personal sponge baths?" Hayden asks from the sofa, her head bent backward over the arm rest.

"No I don't." Blaine answers levelly, not swayed at all by her supercilious manner. I like that about him to.

"Shame." I murmur looking greedily at his face to catch his eyes again. He glances at me, surprise radiating from the moss green orbs. I take a mental picture and make my way outside. Passing our room the memory of how my morning started off comes back. She was spiralling, her demons had taken over, and the shadows that occupied her mind had consumed her thoughts again.

And I didn't know how to help her.

I had to get rid of the magazines, they were feeding her dark thoughts and making Caroline a shadow of herself. I'd known her, in hours I'd been awake, for about a day but I'd glimpsed the wonderful person she could be. The vibrant, funny, happy girl who had optimism dripping from her voice. I had to get rid of the magazines and make her eat again. Although the women in the magazines weren't what Caroline thought she should aspire to be, they weren't stick thin, their ridges and bones didn't stick out painfully.

I didn't understand.

Then again, I shouldn't try and understand other people's problems when I didn't understand my own.

When I get up to the ward I see Rebekkah coming out of the room closest, I glance at our door on the other side before I decide.

"Rebekkah" I call softly and she turn on the spot, a smile graces her face. I wonder if she gets paid extra to put on the rainbows and cookies expression.

"Yes?" she asks walking closer. I open and shut my mouth, nothing comes out. I feel like I'm betraying her. Rebekkah looks over her shoulder, following my gaze. "It's a tactic proven effective before. We just need time." She says reassuringly to me.

"Is Caroline allowed magazines?" I ask quietly.

Rebekkah's smile falters and her eyes become searching on my face, "Niamh what are you saying?"

I stare at her concerned face and wonder if I'm a bad person, "She has magazines under her mattress." Rebekkah turns on her heel instantly and motions to a male carer further up the ward, he jogs towards her and when they meet in middle she doesn't have to explain. In the same motion they're through our door.

I regret what I've done immediately.

"No! Please, they're mine!" Caroline cries desperately from inside. There's scuffling and I imagine her trying to fight for them, "Please!" Other women are starting to be drawn to the noise; Hayden rolls out from behind the wall. Rebekkah comes out carrying a bundle of magazines, more than I thought she had.

"Stay down there" Blaine orders darting out in front of them and motioning for them to stay back. The male carer comes out closing the door behind him. Everyone else starts melting back into the TV area. I realise I've been gripping the wall, I look away from our door to see Blaine standing in at the mouth of the ward staring at me, he looks worried.

_Of course he does, you are in a mental hospital and are a mental patient. _

I hear Caroline cry from our room.

"It was the right thing to do." Violet says from her doorway before closing it over. Caroline's crying gets more pronounced and I sink to the floor feeling numb and eerie inside. This part of the ward is swathed in shadow and I feel I belong here, I want to stay here.

"Niamh?" Blaine's voice is soft and he's kneeling down beside me. I trace the concern etched in his face and store it away in my mind. Over his shoulder Rebekkah opens the door to our room and tells Caroline something, who makes an angry hurt noise in response. Rebekkah folds her arms and says something else.

"There's nothing you can do" he murmurs, "Let her calm down." The doors slammed in Rebekkah's face and Hayden shouts 'ouch' down the corridor. She catches me and Blaine crouched and walks over with her reassuring smile stuck on.

"She'll be okay, why don't you go get a cup of coffee, give her a chance to calm down."

"What did you say to her there now?" I ask then I'm taking by surprise by Blaine sliding an arm around my waist, taking my hand in his as he pulls me up.

Rebekkah doesn't realise it's as significant as I think, "Just that it's been noted she's missed breakfast and it's advised she go to lunch."

"What happens if she doesn't?" Blaine lets go of my hand and I try to make no indication I've noticed.

Rebekkah smiles, "Blaine why don't you take Niamh for a coffee. Oh and you can have your bath after your session with Dr. Harmon. I'll take you." If she knew what I'd done, she would know there are a hundred other things he would rather do. And why the fuck did she have to mention my bath in front of him. I want the floor to spill out black and swallow me up.

"Of course." He answers softly and starts leading me down to the exit. I know he doesn't want to be here but I like how his hand feels on my waist, and I like how he smells, it's comforting and I resist leaning into him. A part of me is torn, to go to Caroline and try and comfort her for something that is my fault but I don't want to see the blame in her eyes, I couldn't stand it. As we step out back into San Diego sun I fight the urge to turn to Blaine and ask him something inappropriate, our lure him around to that corner again.

_What the hell is wrong with you he could lose his job you fucking idiot!_

My fingertips try and a smooth the throbbing out of my skull.

"Are you okay?" he asks.

"Headache." I answer reaching for my Raybans, "I don't want coffee, it's too warm" I sit down on one of the benches.

"Well I do, so I'm gonna go grab one quickly. Is that okay?" He asks kindly.

"Sorry I-"

"Don't worry about it, I'll be right back. Don't move." He brushes off and walks briskly in the direction of the canteen. I groan, why was he being nice. I want to hide but I can't go to my room, I can't go anywhere. I massage my temples and try very hard not to think about what I've done to Caroline.

It seems like no time at all before he's back and sitting a cup of water and ice beside me, "Might help with the headache" I thank him and he asks, "Do you get them often?"

"How much is often?" I mutter around the brim of the cup before taking a sip.

"Every other day I suppose."

"Then often."

"You should probably tell Ben about that in your session, I mean Dr. Harmon" He corrects himself with admonishing shaking of his head before he takes a sip of his coffee.

"After I meet him do I get to call him Ben to?" I joke lightly.

He smiles leaning his elbows onto his knees, "Probably, but I shouldn't. It's not professional…I'm having a problem with being professional at the minute." He murmurs the last part, I'm guessing, to himself, so I choose not to acknowledge it and back against the bench.

"Tell me about you" I request quietly, looking down at my knee when his head cocks to the side.

"What about me?"

"Anything. Your normal, tell me normal things."

He laughs quietly, "I have been known to step outside the lines sometimes you know."

"Your talking to mental patient in a mental hospital, our lines are different."

There's a pause and I wonder if I've been too harsh. My knee doesn't give me any answers.

"You're not mental." He says quietly and firmly. I look up to see him taking a long drink of his coffee.

"Thanks."

He nods and downs the last remains of his cup, "The coffee here sucks."

"You're not exactly making me feel better about being here" I remark lightly and he gives me a small smile. "Where do you like to get your coffee?"

He leans back on the bench, "Starbucks."

"Never been."

"You're kidding me."

"Nope."

"We'll have to fix that" He says but his smile fades when he realises the problem.

"I'll hold you to it." I reply trying to keep him in good spirits. It works.

"So what's Oceanside like?" I say folding my legs underneath me. He looks at me quizzical and I laugh.

"Caroline knows a lot about everything."

"Doesn't surprise me" he murmurs, he lifts his hips up to reach into his back pocket and pull out his crumpled Marlboro carton. I would comment about him being fancy if I wasn't brainstorming ideas about what else he could do with hip thrusts. I'm knocked out of my thoughts when he offers me one, I take it thankfully.

"Having with-drawl symptoms" I joke happily as he holds the light up for me, I lean in and inhale.

"Ran out?" he asks, his voice strained from his first draw and then he breathes it out. Damn its sexy.

"Yeah, I hadn't really ration myself well." He looks at me for a moment and then pulls out his pack.

"Here." He says offering it to me. I start to protest but he rolls his eyes and puts it in my lap, "I should really quit anyway." I smile at the small gesture and then even more so when he snatches one cig form the packet, "For later…when quitting doesn't work out." He murmurs and I laugh.

"So Oceanside…well, it's by the ocean."

"I gathered that part."

"I love it." He breathes, "Days off I get up at around 7 because that's when the waves are best. Then I have Starbucks around the corner" he smirks at me, "then sometimes I'll hang with a few of the guys around a fire pit and just having a jamming sesh…then later chill at this bar, 'Mikes', it has thee best pizza in the world. I'm not lying."

"I trust you." and he smiles.

"It's a bits of a drive from here but it's worth it."

"How far?"

"About forty-five minutes to an hour away, depends on traffic."

"You really like the job this much?" I ask sceptically. I'm meant to be the one that's at home here amongst the crazies and I hate it, how could he like working here.

He looks at me with sincerity pulsing in his eyes, I feel captivated, "Yeah I do. I like to feel like helping, even if it isn't much. Here, the simple gesture of talking to someone or taking an interest in what they think is appreciated hugely. I will admit there is a selfish side to it; it makes me feel like I'm giving back a little. I'm blessed and people here can need to remember that they are to."

"Wow." Is all I can utter, speechless at the passion in his voice.

He shrugs modestly.

"There has to be more to it." I say slowly and he looks at me quizzically, "your too…selfless or live too simply, or something."

"What do you mean?"

I honestly don't know. He's confused me.

"As long as I have clean clothes, the bills paid, and a roof over my head I don't see what else I need. Although I'm blessed to have been born where I have, I mean, it's not like I'll have sky rocketing heating bill to pay." He says, "And I like my job."

"No one can be that perfect, you have to have flaw."

I don't believe him, or rather I find it hard to believe but Blaine's not a liar. I'm confused.

"I have flaws."

"Really?" I snort incredulous.

He thinks, "I don't like ice-cream."

"Dear God you are insane." I state without any trace of humour and he throws his head back in laughter.

"No really, point them out to me when you see them" he insists, his head leaning back as he smiles at me intently. I want to look away, but I never want to look at anything else. He's confused me.

"I like your hair like that, Danny" I smirk bumping his shoulder. He raises his hand to his hair self-consciously with a shy expression, "No really I like it."

"It makes work easier." He tells me and then explains further, "It makes it harder to grab."

_Is that a challenge?_

I stare at him and I'm sure he can read my mind; it's probably all over my face as I glance up at his smoothed back hair. I'm pretty sure I could get it mussed up. He makes an awkward little cough and looks away. I remember the last time he made a little cough like that; I feel tingles run over my arms.

"Do you think Caroline will come down at lunch?" I say trying to fill up the silence.

"Maybe." He says quietly, "I hope so."

I'm submerged back into Caroline anxiety.

"Niamh?" I blink rapidly behind my shades and find Blaine looking at me expectantly.

"Sorry, what?"

"I asked how you got Caroline to eat" he smiles, "Winning personality?"

"Heh, I wish." I look down at my hands, "I lied, that's how."

He hums, "Well, that's not going to help long term, we just have to hope she'll want to do it for herself."

"I know" I reply defensively.

Its quiet and he stubs out his cigarette, I throw mine down.

"No, no, no" he admonishes and reaches down for it, "litterings bad." He takes in my amused look, "gotta keep the place tidy."

I shake my head giggling and he walks off to one of the bins.

"You should smile more often." He comments on his way back.

"So keep making me smile." I counter.

"Okay."

"It'll be lunch soon." Blaine sighs. We've moved down to the grass after he insisted that Rebekkah wouldn't mind he was taking the time to drink about six cups of coffee.

"I imagine you're hungry after your workout" I tease quietly and he smiles. We'd had an eventful morning, one guy had decided he needed to fine 'Irene' and started running around taking his clothes off. It took Blaine and three others to catch him. It took me a whole lot of willpower not to laugh. When more people starts migrating the same way I turn and look hopefully at the women's entrance. I see Violet, I see another woman led by a nurse but I don't see Caroline.

"Come on, let's go in." Blaine decides after five minutes of staring emptily at the doors.

"I'm not hungry" I mutter angrily. Why was Caroline being such an idiot, was it pride? Didn't she know that she wasn't in control here? Didn't she want to fight it or was it about not wanting to give them what they want?

"Well I am" he says jumping up and holding out his hand, "It's not all about you, you know."

_What was that supposed to mean?_

He takes in the scowl that's practically burning my face and proffers his hand again. I take it and he hauls me up, dropping it as soon as I'm on my feet. I don't like that. I fold my arms as I follow him into the canteen.

She doesn't show up.

Later I'm saved from facing Caroline as Rebekkah appears in front of me as soon as I'm back on the ward. I'm not sure if going to Dr. Harmon's is the lesser of two evils as we pass mine and Caroline's room but I don't really have a choice.

There's a ticking in his office, I can't see the clock where it's coming from but I know it quickly going to become annoying. What is also irritating is that my shrink isn't even here. My knees bouncing and I can't seem to get it to stop. I shift uncomfortable in the bottle green, leather arm chair and decide if he wasn't going to be courteous enough to be on time I wasn't going to ask permission. I take out one of Blaine's cigarettes and light up, the first draw calms me but then the door behind me clicks open.

Funny, I don't remember Blaine tasting like his cigarettes.

Harmon comes into view from behind my seat, hm not as handsome as Mikaelson but has that aged handsomeness thing about him I suppose, then he opens his mouth, "My apologies Miss. Andrews. Too many patients and not enough of mine." He smiles which suggests that was meant to be clever, I humour him with a smile but I think it comes out a sneer.

He settles himself into his chair, rustles papers, and pulls out a notepad. Typical shrink stuff then. He eyes my cigarette, "Would you like an ash tray?"

I can't work out if he's just asking or he's annoyed. He produces one and sets it at the side of my chair.

"Does it bother you?" I murmur.

"I like my patients to comfortable and if it makes you comfortable by all means."

That's not an answer. Nobody ever gives straight answers; I wonder why that is…because simple truths can be manipulative? Maybe no one knows how they feel about anything.

"How are feeling today?"

I'll be honest, "I don't know."

"You don't know?"

"No. I don't." he cocks he head to the side and scribbles something down without looking.

"Have you been settling in well?"

"I was."

"Was? Past tense, has this to do with your roommate Caroline Forbes?"

Obviously you fucking idiot. I flick my cigarette, irritated, into the ashtray.

"It makes you sad? That she hasn't responded well to our treatment."

"I guess."

"You guess?" he presses in that same monotone voice.

I purse my lips and sound it out for him, "Yes. It makes me sad because she is my friend."

He nods like its fucking progress and scribbles something.

"Have you been feeling sad In general, without relating issues to Caroline, you've been feeling depressed haven't you?"

"Well I haven't exactly been a bouncing ball of joy Dr. Harmon."

"Is that why you tried to kill yourself?"

"I didn't try and kill myself." I respond instantly, taking a long draw of my cigarette.

"Then how do you explain the LSD and dangerous amount of alcohol in your system? As well as topping it with aspirin."

"I was tripping out and it was giving me a headache. It's not exactly complex."

"I see." Scribble, scribble, "Why did you feel you had to take LSD? Was it because you were feeling sad?"

I felt like I was under a magnifying glass and I wanted out. He thought he knew, he thought he could understand, he couldn't fucking understand.

"I was bored." I tell him simply.

"Bored? I see"  
"Do you?" I mutter so low I don't expect him to hear.

"If you let me, I will." He says very clearly so I'm taken back, "I am here to help, to understand, to help you explore those things you put to the back of your mind because you don't know how to deal with or because you refuse to. Those things that refuse to give you peace of mind." I can't hold his gaze so I look down to my cigarette which needs stubbed out, "So, are you sure you were bored? That's what you felt?"

I stare at my cigarette remains and how it folds in on itself as I crush it into the ashtray, disposed of as soon as it's served its purpose.

"Pardon? I didn't catch that."

"I said I didn't know how I felt, that's why I did."

"You took the drugs to figure out how you felt?"

"No. I took them so I could feel something...or maybe to help outline how I felt."

"And did you?"

"I think I felt…alone."

"Do you often feel alone?"

"I'm in a mental hospital with people that are fucking insane! I feel alone because I feel I don't belong here."

"You want to go home?"

I don't answer. I pull out another cigarette. Scribble, scribble.

"Your mother says you often complain about headaches." Drama queen, she's already given them her diagnosis and they probably think I'm a jumped up, spoilt little rich girl who's bored and selfish.

I scowl at him but then Blaine comes to mind, "Yeah, I get them…often."

"I see, we can give you some aspirin for that, the correct dosage."

Ha.

"What do you think triggers them?"

"Aren't you supposed to tell me that?" I say gritting my teeth. He looks at me levelly expecting more, "I suppose when I'm frustrated…hey maybe it was just her voice."  
See I could be funny too.

Scribble, scribble.

"She also says there have been marks on your arms, around your wrists mainly."

"That was only twice." I defend quickly.

"How did you get these marks?"

I try to think, "I don't know." I expect him to look exasperated but he doesn't. Maybe he is Hayden's shrink; God knows you'd need patience, "They weren't there…and then suddenly they were. I don't know."

"Nobody did this to, caused these bruises?"

"I think I'd notice if someone was hurting me."

"It seems there are time lapses that you aren't aware of, how can you be sure no one did?"

"Because I wouldn't allow them" I snap.

"So the only explanation could be, you have done it to yourself unaware of doing so."

"You're the doctor." I inhale trying very hard not to reach up to my throbbing skull.

"Do you have a headache now?" he asks quietly.

I don't answer.

When I come back into the ward the radio's turned up and Blaine's trying to teach one girl how to dance. He puts her hand on his shoulder and places his in the middle of her back, I can see him mouthing one two three as he they start, then he bring up her arm for the arch and she spins under it. The nurses clap and cheer along with the other women, I expect to see Caroline there but she isn't, only Hayden looks grim on the outskirts.

"Want a lesson?" Rebekkah chirps, appearing at my arm. I shake my head as Blaine looks over and smiles at me. I don't feel like making the effort to smile back, "Are you feeling alright? The first session can be a little daunting."

I nod my head.

"Dinners in fifteen minutes."

"Did she go earlier?"

She hesitates with her answer which means I already have it.

It shouldn't be my problem, it's not my responsibility. So why did it hurt?

I sit down in one of the arm chairs and try not to think.

Sooner than expected I'm being tugged along to the cafeteria with the small group that's permitted, I find Violet at my side. When we pass our room I try and hang back as Rebekkah knocks gently on the door, she soon then closes it over with a regretful looking expression. I don't like it.

"Come on" Violet urges so I follow her.

When we get down to the cafeteria I have this feeling I can't shake, that I have to go back up, I have to talk to her. It might not be my problem but…somehow it was. She was my friend, she was my friend from the beginning and she tried to get me out of bed when I just wanted to be forgotten. I owed her this…and I wanted to help. Her demons were my demons….there was another to hate this place.

I stand up so suddenly that one girl recoils and at least five carers looking at me in alarm.

Fucking crazy people.

"Is everything alright dear?" an old nurse with a red perm and bad eye asks.

"Yes, I just forgot something in my room."

"Can't it wait until after dinner? C'mon sit down" she tries pushing me back into my seat but I pull out from under her grip which makes her gasp loudly. I start running for the exit and see one of the male carer try and jog around a table to meet me. Fucking over dramatic fuckers.

I rush for the door and nearly collide with Blaine, again.

"Niamh?" he calls after me but I'm already outside. The sky is dusky orange and red, it warning me, I know it.

When I get back into the ward I pause. Everything seems normal. A few nurses up at the TV area, over looking those who eat up here and our door is closed. I hear footsteps behind me.

"You can't run off like that in this place." Blaine scolds coming up behind me.

"Oh, right, sorr-"

There's a high pitched shriek and the sound of something smashing. I whip around in alarm but everyone at the other end of the ward is looking at us and I don't understand. There's another scream and my heart sinks when our door opens, a male carer is trying to carry out an hysterical Caroline while Rebekkah follows trying to soothe her. My friend looks so tiny and frail, so helpless as she thrashes against his thick arms.

"Vivian!" Rebekkah calls and Caroline screams like she's afraid of the woman in question.

"No please don't!" she cries trying to get free as a red headed nurse comes out of the nurses station carrying a syringe.

"Get off her!" I scream and I don't realise I'm, pulling at the guys arms until he yells at me. Caroline keeps screaming and Blaine's pulled me away as the redheaded nurse gets there. Caroline has tears streaming down her face and inaudible cries coming out of her mouth.

"Please, please don't!" she screams when Vivian gets closer to her and without hesitation buries the needle in her fragile little arm.

"What are doing to her?" I scream at them, what the hell was this, how could this help, I wanted to fucking kill them. She's so frail looking and there just pulling and throwing her around like a doll.

"Make them be careful." I sob painfully as Blaine tries to calm me down. He grabs my wrists to stop me trying to pry his arms off me.

"I hate you! I hate you I hate you I hate you" Caroline's screams turn to sobs that turn to moans as her eyes close in defeat. The orderly swings her thin limbs up into his arms and carries her away. My leg slips out from under me and my knee's hit the lino hard with my arms still hoisted up behind me. The carry Caroline up to the nurses' station, through the side door and for once Hayden isn't smiling.

"What's going on?" Violets bland voice is tainted with curiosity.

"Don't worry violet it's under control." Blaine says calmly.

I feel eerie and numb, it a little hard to breathe.

"Niamh get up, get up sweetie." Rebekkah coaxes. I'm not sure where she's come from but I'm aware I need to get up. I need to do something.

"Where did you take her." I say but my throat is sore.

"Come on" Blaine says softly and helps me up. Everyone's gone back to whatever they were doing, everyone's acting like it didn't happen, no one cares.

"She's gone where she can get more help."

"Where she'll be punished for not following your threats?" I snarl.

"You have every right to be angry but you need to understand this is for the best."

"Get off me!" I yank my arm out of Blaine's reach and run to our room and slam the door.

Caroline's sheets are all knotted and hanging from the bed, her little fairy figurine lies in bits around the floor. I slide down the door and try to bottle up the anger and hurt that's threatening to go off like a nuclear bomb. My head makes a large bang as I throw it back against the door, it feels good so I do it again and again until they push it open and make me stop.

The first week I refused to come out of my room. I stayed in bed again. This time Blaine tried to get me up but I didn't want him near me, he was one of them in some form.

"You have to eat." Rebekkah told me sounding impatient and losing that cherub look.

"So bring it to me."

"You're being childish."

"Fuck off."

*****  
"Your upset."

"They should call you Dr. Obvious."

"Your angry. You have to remember Caroline hasn't left the facility, as soon as she makes progress she'll back in the ward again."

"Well where is she?" I demand.

He doesn't answer me.

"Talking about your feelings will help."

"You want to help me Dr. Harmon?" he nods, "Bring my friend back."

Scribble, sigh, scribble.

The second week I nearly ended up punching the carer that carried her off. He was serving out the meds, I hadn't realised, I'd eventually ventured out of my room to infect everyone else with my black presence when he appeared over me with the tray. I hadn't realised I was yelling at him until Hayden was yelling with me and some of the influential headcases started screaming nonsense with us. I got locked in my room.

Me and Dr. Harmon didn't make much progress, I was given sleeping pills.

My room was too big and cold without Caroline and a part of me resented her for this and I no longer wanted to give a damn about her. She's left me.

My mom called. Told me about some tennis lesson and about someone's daughter and the pool boy before I put the phone down, her still jabbering away, and walked away to sit in the TV area.

"Fresh air will do you good." Blaine murmurs sitting down on the steps beside me.

"Maybe"

"She'll come back, I promise."

"Maybe."

"Niamh" the nurse drones off the list holding out the little paper cup. I take it and start walking back to my room, I want to sleep. I nearly trip over Hayden in her chair, I hadn't heard the wheels.

"You need to cheer up" she says bluntly, "It's not like it's the first time this has happened."

"Thanks I feel so much better." I step around her and she spins in her seat.

"I don't know why your making this about you, do you like attention that much?" she calls after me.

That hits a black cord and I feel more awful than usual.

"Talk to ya later" she sings.

She's been odder than usual, the more I think about it…she been more… keyed up. I think…but I don't think long.

I take my pills and get into bed.

I don't dream, so it seems like moments later Hayden's face is over mine and her cruel smile is back. I start to yell but she pushes her hand over my mouth and holds me down. Her legs are braced at either side of me and she holds her free hand up, a finger over her lips as to say 'shush'.

"What are you doing?" I whisper when she pulls her hand away.

"Its time." She smirks and bounces off the bed.

"Time for what?"

My doors open and I see tow other girls and Violet standing outside by it.

Hayden picks up one of Caroline's trinkets and I'm immediately on my feet.

"I gave him a month, I underestimated him. He's got them all wrapped around his little finger." She smirks twirling one finger in mid air and everything becomes very still around me, like the earth stops turning as I stare into her eyes, "So we can't keep him waiting."

"Tate?" I whisper.

"Yup. Get dressed and lets go"

I OWN NO ONE BUT NIAMH As this is purely for her enjoyment. Sorry for spelling errors not really checking Tate time? I think so.


	4. Chapter 4

Trying to work out how you feel has to be one of the most unexplainable and torturous things. But surely that's feeling right? To feel like you can't explain? Or am I between, am I between thinking and feeling, or am I just all about thinking. I think I should feel afraid, I think I should feel overwhelmed …but I'm not. I think. Of course I feel, I'm not completely inhuman, not yet anyway, I feel anger, I feel irritation, I feel failure, I feel disappointment and I feel empty. But they creep up on me before I can process what's going on in my head. I don't feel what my head says I should feel.

My head says I should be afraid but all I am is simply curious. Quite curious to how I hadn't really noted the route down here, it was cold, the passage was long, the walls were concrete and the lights were flickering. I could only guess we were somewhere below.

Hayden skips ahead of us singing the wedding march, glimpses of her and her hair flung behind her as the lights flash on and off. I know I should be scared, but I'm not. In fact, the familiarity of the walking into the lion's den circles me, a challenge, a chance to play with fire, this I knew. It excited me.

A part of my subconscious was trying to play me a tune, something I'd made up maybe, something I'd dreamt…maybe something I was picking up but Hayden was making so much noise it was hard to figure out.

"This is bullshit." Violet mutters somewhere behind her curtain of hair.

"Here comes the child! All ready to die!" Hayden chants in her wedding themed state.

"Batshit crazy" I agree with violet and I think I see her smirk. I look up to see Hayden jump in time with the flash of the light and land poised in front of us. The other girl gasps. She leans into my face, her eyes reflecting electricity surging through restless blue water.

"What was that?" she asks her restless eyes probing. Violet tires to say something but Hayden reaches out and slaps her which makes me jump, "Just a little tip, don't ever call crazy people crazy."  
She spins on her heel and starts off again, "Now hurry up."

Violet rubs her cheek with glazed over, angry eyes. The other girl sobs softly.

Now it was quieter I tried to decipher that tune but it was gone…

"Where are we even going?" I snap after Hayden.

"Move your fucking ass and you'll find out."

"We better not get caught" I mutter.

"She drugged Moria" Violet snarls, "with her sleeping pills, no one's going to know were gone."

"Wasn't that other guy, Blaine, working tonight?" I ask cautiously.

"No."

"He's nice." The other girl says softly.

Yes, he was… and all I'd done is ignore him the past few weeks.

_Showing your ungrateful, selfish and true colours then._

"That's where she hung herself." We're near the end of this passage, where it breaks off into two more, there's a wooden door to the right, rotted and dead. I imagine the underworld being behind it, ghost and lost souls of the world. Violet lingers, staring, "creepy, isn't it? But kind of alluring."

I take her arm and pull her along, not wanting any ideas to grow in her head. Hayden's leaning against the wall of the left passage," If you ask me she was a fucking idiot anyway."

"Nobody did ask you." I reply. Her venomous mouth open and her tongue rears back but she's cut off by the sound of laughter carrying through the empty passage. She immediately spins around and runs off to the end of it, it being shorter than what the right passage is, and disappears through a door that's leaving a rectangle of light on the concrete floor. The other girl shuffles off after her.

There it is again, a faint whistling, a happy tune…it's eerie. A shiver runs down my spine and I resist the urge to look over my shoulder down the long passage.

"Afraid?" Violet murmurs. I'm not sure, my ears strain trying to listen to the tune but I think it's gone again, I'm going crazy, "Don't worry, I'm afraid too."

We exchange a look and I decide to take the lead but I pause again out the door that's emitting voices and laughs. I start when Violet takes my hand, she doesn't look at me but pushes open the door and leads me down concrete steps into the room. It's like a big pit, without the steps there the doors three foot from the ground. The place is dim with only one weak light over head that doesn't touch the corners of the room, there are box and discarded objects, it's a forgotten storage space.

There are few people, maybe ten, spaced around. People I haven't seen before. I'm not the most observant person so maybe it would be wrong to assume their all 'R's. Some people yell in triumph, they're playing make shift bowling and actually look really happy. Hayden's talking excitedly to a tall guy with overgrown black hair and the most startling blue eyes, the almost don't make you notice the dark shadows under them. I wonder is that Tate.

Whatever I was expecting…that wasn't it.

No one pays attention to me and Violet.

"And we have to be here why?" I ask aggravated. Violet shrugs, obviously not impressed, "No beer, no snacks, no music. What kind of get together is this supposed to be?"

"I wouldn't know I haven't been to one before."

"I'll take you to one when we get out."

Her mouth twitches at the corners.

"That's a lie."

The words carry to my ear in a breath from lips that could only be poised a centimetre away. My nose grazes the owner of those lips' cheek as I spin around and I'm caught by black, magnetic eyes. Violet stumbles back but I'm frozen on the spot. I blink as he straightens up, I wonder why he's so tall, then I realise he's on the last step we had just came down. He stares at me, not allowing me freedom from his gaze. Eyes so dark they could be the richest chocolate, but they seem more significant. Their magnetic pull had lured in secrets and sights from the world, dark visions, and wisdom. His eyes were a brilliant contrast from his hair, golden blonde like a reminder he was youthful.

"Tate!" Hayden shouts from behind me in glee. His gaze fractures and he looks up over my head so I'm not held anymore. He's very still and expressionless, his only movement is his thumb tracing slow circles in his sleeve covered palm. His shirt was faded and his sleeves had holes in them for his thumbs to fit through. I realise the rooms gone quiet at his presence, they all feel the magnetic pulse too. This was Tate and Tate was beyond anything I'd ever imagined already, and all he'd done so far is insult me. His eyes flicker around the faces in the room and then back to the spot over my head where Hayden is. He seems disconnected, distant and I felt he was superior in some way, "I underestimated you. Three weeks and you have their trust again. Impressive."

"That's everyone's first mistake", he says, his face blank, "underestimating me."

I feel like the room is waiting for fury, like were caught in the eye of the storm, a monster to rip from his calm exterior but then he does something I don't expect, it makes my heart stop.

Tate's face cracks slowly into a smile, a cold, dark intimidating smile.

Hayden starts talking again, encouraging everyone else in the room to do the same. Tate looks back down at me, "Your in my way." He says bluntly, his voice still calm. He moves to the edges of the step so I have to lean back so not to have my face pressed into his stomach.

He expects me to move, I expect everyone else expects me to move, I don't like that. I hold my ground and refuse to be afraid any longer of those hypnotic eyes, "Don't call me a liar, that's your first mistake."

His eyes burn with the heat of raging black flames as I turn to go to Violet but his hand shoots out and grabs my upper arm and he yanks me back to him sharply. His fingers don't hurt but my heart stutters when they flex. He's leaning down so he's on my line of vision, so close to my face. I'm paralysed.

"Noted." He says quietly and releases his grip so I stumble back. He jumps down the last step and strolls over to Hayden seemingly at ease.

"Shit." Violet states nervously. I stare at her, trying to process what I feel but I know I agree with her.

…

Someone got an old record player and Jonny Cash's 'ring of fire' illuminates the room, I was worried it was too loud and someone was bound to hear but the fear melted away. I sit on the ground with Violet on a faded tartan blanket playing cards and sneakily stealing glances of Tate as if it will help me accumulate who he is.

"I raise you a valium and a colex." Violet stakes.

"Violet I don't even know what the fuck I'm doing."

"Works for me." She smiles with mischievous gleam in her eyes , "You gonna match or you gonna fold?"

"Match I suppose."

She smiles happily and throws down her cards, "Pair of Kings"

"Don't suppose a '3' and '2' beat that?"

She laughs at me.

"Guess I owe you some drugs. Let's play snap."

"That's for kids."

"Shut up, it's the only thing I know."

She snorts and starts picking up the cards to shuffle. I tuck my hair behind my ear and glance over to reason were all gathered here. He's leaning against the wall, half in shadow, with Hayden and that guy with black hair talking to each other. He doesn't seem to be taking part in conversation. He stares at nothing, he doesn't speak and his arms are folded. I'd give anything to know what he's thinking, what thoughts go through his mind to give him such presence without having to say a word. Everyone else gives the three a wide birth as if subconsciously sensing an invisible boundary.

His black eyes shift to me and I stiffen. It's like an electrical charge shoots between us and I'm not sure if it's a good thing.

"Niamh...hey!" Violet shoves me and I'm released from his pinion stare, "You go first."

Our game of snap quickly descends into chaos as we argue and giggle and resort to slapping at each other hands in the effort to win. Violet finally pushes me over and throws down all her cards, "SNAP!"

I relish in the how good it feels to laugh and lie there as she starts gathering the cards up. I wish Caroline were here but I don't want to think about her right now. When the floor gets too cold and I sit up, nearly head butting faded blue jeans. There's a wide rip just above the knee, exposing pale skin that my finger itch to touch, to explore because I know I shouldn't, because a shiver runs down my spine alerting me to who's towering above me.

I look up and find black.

"Mind if I play?" he asks. There's a southern husk in his voice.

Violet has her head bent, letting her hair hide her face.

"Sure, why not."I say coolly. It feels like there are wild fireflies fluttering around my stomach.  
He sinks effortlessly to the ground folding his legs. Hayden's staring with clear confusion on her face; he evidently didn't excuse himself from their company.

Violet deals the cards out without even looking up. I concentrate on breathing and appearing relaxed…even though I can feel him staring at me.

"Your new." He states and I nod, "so what do they say is wrong with you?" It's like the most casual question in this place like 'how are you' or 'what's your name'.

"I don't know yet. It's still a mystery."

He stares at me like he's trying to work out if I'm holding out or telling the truth. I think the unnerving thing about his gaze is I can't tell where his iris and pupil meet, not in this light anyway. He's unreadable. He must be around twenty and his eyes are rimmed a slight pink like he doesn't sleep. "Hmm." He hums in response and picks up his cards with long fingers.

"What do they say is wrong with you?"

There's an odd silence and I glance to see Violet staring at me wide-eyed like I'm fucking crazy.

"When you tell me yours, I'll tell you mine." He says quietly, his eyes smouldering coal.  
_  
Yeah not likely.  
_  
The game starts and we set into a rhythm as no opportunity arises. It makes it tense, especially when violet refuses to look away from the stack. I look around to see a few people edging forward and others just staring. Fucking crazy people.

"Snap!" Tate's hand comes down hard on scattered cards, Violet jumps and I kick myself for not paying attention. Tate smirks and looks up at me from under his lashes as he rakes in his cards, he looks more boyish now.

"Luck." I say dryly and throw down another card starting the game again. Tate wins again shortly after, we're running out of cards. I don't look up to acknowledge the arrogant smile he's giving me. I throw down my cards again and again; it's getting faster and more heated, were almost out of cards. It takes me half a second to realise Violets thrown down a match and my hand darts out at the same time as Tate's.

"Snap." I say proudly, my hand pinned under his. His palms quite cool. I look up from under my lashes to find his eyes boring into me, obviously he doesn't like to lose. My breath catches in my throat as his fingers curl back over my hand. He lifts it away slowly and leans back.

"You win." He breathes and something hot shoots up my spine, "too bad we didn't bet."

"What would have gambled?"

"Whatever you wanted."

Oh.

"But it's a child's game and not worth the stakes." He dismisses and stands in one fluid movement, towering over us.

"I think the highest wager is lollipops" Hayden cackles.

Anger bubbles in my stomach. Violet hastily gathers up her cards, she mutters something and Hayden zero's in on her instantly.

"What?" she inquires.

"Well if you can't win a child's game it probably a good thing we didn't play poker." I say sweetly standing up. He doesn't say anything just stares, Hayden glares, "Come on Violet, I'm tired and this is boring."

"I didn't say you could go." Hayden snaps.

I have never missed vodka more than I did now.

_Look at them both; they think they have control over you, over everyone in this room. They say jump we say how high, they can go fuck themselves. If I get the shit beat out of me so what, I would not give them the satisfaction._

"This is bullshit." Violet sighs in agreement and she leads the way towards the step steps.

"Tell Caroline I said Hi." Tate calls softly from behind us. I look back at him wondering how to tell him I hadn't seen Caroline in weeks and the thought of her made my chest hurt. A slow smile pulls at his lips as if to say he already knows this, anger burns through me and my palms itch. I haven't felt this way since…since my mother.

I jog up the stairs quickly, desperate to get away, to collect my mind but it was spiralling and I wanted to scream. I didn't know where she was, I didn't know whether she was better or worse.

Violet hasn't waited on me.

I glance the rotting door as I make my way back in to the cold, flickering passage…people died here.  
I swallow a sob.

_I'm not going to fucking cry._

I start down the passage…its creepier than before. I imagine a figure appearing in the flash of the light and it makes me slow… I feel watched.

I jump…the whistling is back and it's behind me. Its faint and I can't see who's doing it. It's getting louder. I take a step back as the alien feeling of cold fear envelopes me. The whistling stops and I search the flickering passage for a haunting figure but I don't see anything. The light, two down from the one I stand under, smashes and the glass falls to the floor. I let out a scream and run.

The whistling chases me.

I get lost.

It's dark.

Every possible way I find isn't the right one, just more cold walls. My hearts hammering in my chest and I can't think right, I just have to keep looking.

When I finally get back to the ward I'm so relived my knees give out and I scramble, out of breath, to pull the door closed behind me. The wards quiet except for my laboured breathing. Violets safe and sound in her room, forgetting me, ignorant of how I feel…the nurse is drugged, there's no one.  
I stumble back to my vacant room, bathed in moonlight through barred windows; I sink to the floor and lean against the wall. I close my eyes.

When I open my eyes there's premature sunlight touching Caroline's vanity. I gasp as pain throbs in my forearm in protest when I push myself up. An angry purple bruise occupies most of my forearm. I blink and try and think about where it came from but I can't remember. I ignore the pain and get into bed.

….

"You seem distracted…Niamh.",I blink back into the present, Ben looks expectant, "Penny for your thoughts?" he smiles.

"I'm sure you get more than a penny." I murmur taking a draw of my cigarette, its burned down almost dangerously to the point of being gone.

_For fucks sake I just lit it._

"You look confused."

I shake my head and put out it out.

"I think I'm upset, well, I think I'm the aftermath of upset…I was upset last night." I say quietly because really, I just wanted to stop feeling like this.

"What made you upset?"

I couldn't tell him, I mean how could I tell him the whole story? And if I couldn't tell him the whole story then he couldn't help me… he couldn't help me.

Still I try, "I miss Caroline." I'm scared, I hurt myself again.

"Well that's normal but as I've told you she is still in the facility and she's fine."

"Fine isn't an emotion, it's what you tell people when you don't want to talk about the truth."

"How many times have you told people you fine?"

"Every time they ask."

He stares at me his brow furrowing like he's figuring something out, I light up another cigarette.

"Why do you do that? Why don't you tell people how you feel?"

"Because they don't care, they're curious…gossips."

"You think nobody cares about you? How you feel?"

I stare at him, "Why should they?"

"I think your mother cares about you a great deal otherwise you wouldn't be here."

Wrong, I want to leave.

"My mother likes the drama of it all, a story she can tell at the country club." I tell him sourly.

"Why don't you think your worthy of being cared about?" He asks leaning forward.

Because I'm selfish, because there's something dark in me…

Tate's face appears in my mind, "_That's a lie." _I'm a liar.

I try to explain while studying the carpet pattern, "It's not that I think people don't care about me…I'm just not a first choice and I don't blame them. I'm not my first choice either."

"You don't think highly enough of yourself so you don't expect others to. It's how you're thinking about yourself in terms of value, that's the problem."

Funny, I always feel like I'm the worst which causes me to act like I'm the best thing in the room…How do you begin to love yourself? Or even like yourself? How do you do that without being conceited or…lying.

"Tell me something that you like about yourself." Ben asks simply.

_What._

I stare at him.

"I like… I like laughing and being buzzed. I like cigarettes."

"Everyone likes laughing, and probably being buzzed, something personal. Do you like to make people laugh?"

I like making Blaine laugh.

"I gu… I mean yes."

"So you like your sense of humour. There, that wasn't so hard." Yeah maybe not for you, "I want you to come up with three more things you like about yourself for our next session."

Fuck.

…  
I think about it but I just end up coming up with everything I dislike about myself, I get frustrated and my head hurts. I wonder what Caroline would say, surely she likes something about me or maybe she was just lonely and that why she befriended me. She probably won't even like me when she gets back, when she's better, she won't need me. Blaine isn't in today either, two days off, I wonder what he likes about me. He likes to help; maybe I'm just a project. I end up screaming into my pillow in frustration and find myself bouncing on the balls of my feet impatiently as were called for our meds. She doesn't finish my name before I've swallowed the aspirin and am walking back to my room.

Someone grasps my forearm, the bruise hidden beneath my sleeve burns and I gasp. They push me against the wall as tears spring to my eyes because of their grip, "Anyone would think you're on edge." Hayden murmurs into my ear, "like someone's gotten under your skin." Her grip tightens and I almost crumple to the floor, "you tell no one." And then she's gone and I run.

I spend half the night awake and terrified, half the night having nightmares. Hayden in my room. Tate in my room. Mostly him. His dark magnetic eyes are pulling all my secrets out of me and he's holding a vodka bottle and aspirin.

I get up as soon as it's light, I need a bath, I need to cleanse. The nurse at the station disappears through one door as soon as I get to the desk; more coffee probably…she's left the keys. There should always be one universal one, one that fits everything…I find it and take it off the ring. If I get caught I'll be in a seventh hell of trouble but I can't find it in me to care, honestly I'd probably rather get punished than have Rebekkah sit by the bath as I awkwardly try and wash myself without flashing her.

The sound of running water makes me anxious, although there's no one around and nobody will be up to use the washroom for a few more hours. It's all white, four white pristine tubs spaced out with the showers at the right side of the room. They separate into cubicles…except there aren't any curtains or doors. I'd rather be punished for getting caught.

When the tubs half full I turn off the water and step gingerly into the steaming water. It's hot, almost unbearable, the way I like it. I dip my head under and the searing heat is felt by every pore. I imagine the bad seeping out, all the things I dislike about myself turning the water black and when I come up I'll be pure, just like baptism. Breaking the surface I gasp for air, I feel wide awake and alert, my head cleared. My soul doesn't.

At least it's warm.

I doze until the water becomes lukewarm and decide it's about time I got out, people would be getting up soon. I brace my hands on either side of the tub when I hear the door outside in the corridor open. I sink back down into the water as the wash rooms door swing open and consider drowning myself as Blaine comes in carrying fresh towels.

So this is the seventh layer of hell then. Shit.

I pray in vein for him not to see me, sinking down even further so it's only my eyes above the surface. He stacks the towels, distracted by the headphones over his ears, he hasn't even noticed the steam.

_Please, dear God don't let him see me, I'll tell Ben about Tate if he doesn't see me and about why I really did what I did that night. Please, please, please, please. I haven't shaved in four days._

I feel disconnected as Blaine turns around from stacking the shelves in front of me and spots me hiding pathetically and half drowning in the bath tub.

_Oh fuck._

He blinks and then realisation hits him hard and I see his mouth form a word, the sound is obscure from underwater. In an effort to turn away he trips around a chair and falls dramatically out of sight.

Coming up from air takes away part of the cloak that'd been concealing me, or rather concealing me from the reality of it all, not well but still it made me feel less exposed.

Embarrassment runs hot from my hairline to my toes.

I peek over the edge of the tub. Blaine's lying on the floor with his arm over his face. His discarded ear phones are the only thing making noise in the room.

"Morning." I say quietly.

"How did you even get in here?" He asks slowly from under his arm, he sounds half in disbelief and half mortified.

"Uh, key." I say dumbly and start to giggle. He's just lying there.

He peeks out cautiously from under his arm, "What's so funny?" he demands.

"You fell."

"Yes well, I had a bit of a shock." He snaps and I press my lips together in an effort not to laugh harder.

"I'm going to take wild guess and say you don't have permission to be in here."

"Well I would've if the nurse hasn't taken an hour long break." He looks unconvinced.

"What am I going to do with you" he murmurs to the ceiling.

"Please don't tell Rebekkah." I murmur watching a droplet run down the side of the tub, "It's embarrassing enough and she'll probably lock me away again."

"Can't really say I'd be comfortable telling her about this…occurrence either." He says staring up the ceiling.

"Sorry." I mumble quietly

"Oh no, don't worry, happens all the time." He says sarcastically. He's never been sarcastic before and I look at him in disbelief. His jade green eyes look away from the ceiling to my face, a second passes until his face splits into a smile and he's laughing.

_1. I like I can make Blaine laugh._

"I can't believe this." He sighs running his hands over his face. He tilts his face towards me and crosses his arms, still smiling.

I am very aware that I am very naked and Blaine is in the same room….and his hair curly, not helpful.

"I like your hair."

"I like yours too." He responds instantly.

_Oh Jesus. Now we're just staring at each other._

Again, very aware I am very naked.

_Why isn't he naked._

My face begins to heat up with no relation to the bath, a familiar pulsing feeling begins below and I have to squeeze my thighs together. The strange vulnerability I was feeling must have shown on my face because he soon regained his composer and stood up, careful not to look at me with the advantage of his new perspective. He takes one the fresh towels from the shelf and keeps his eyes trained on the floor, head bent as he walks slowly to the end of my tub and sets the towel down, he turns instantly, "I'll buy you ten minutes, get dried off and get back to your room as quick as you can."

"Thank you." I call after him.

"Your welcome" he replies without looking over his shoulder.

As soon as the door closes behind him I'm out of the bath and trying to dry myself off, trying to rub away that odd feeling too. I feel…really young. I dry, I change, I put the towel into the wash basket and rush like hell back to my room.

As I dress I feel odd, giddy maybe…I don't know. I mean, I'd just been completely naked in an empty room with Blaine and I hadn't even seduced him, hadn't gotten him drunk, I wasn't intoxicated and needed a distraction. I should be completely mortified but I can't help but view it as… nice. He could have made it extremely awkward and embarrassing, instead it was just funny.  
I find myself considering today's clothes more carefully…denim high waisted shorts and a lilac silk shirt, I suppose I should thank my mother for this 'care' package. I pull on my black low tops and wonder out into the ward hoping Blaine hasn't had breakfast yet.

It's not long before I realise he's not there and I wasn't going to ask for him.

"Ooooohh don't you look precious." Hayden coo's from the sofa, her eyes drop to my left arm and I know what she's looking for. I automatically bring it up to my chest and she looks back up at me and smirks.

I sign out.

…

_I wonder lonely as a cloud…._

I don't want to go back in and have to maybe endure Hayden, besides staring at the four walls of my room wasn't very appealing, it was quite depressing. At least the clouds were a little unpredictable. I hoped Blaine would just appear…

There's a loud keening noise and I look to my left to see the same guy who tried to take his clothes off for 'Irene' sitting cross legged near where I'm lying. He makes the noise again staring at me, he sounds like a dying goose.

_Oh God I'm going to get raped._

  
He stares at me and then points to the right, over my head back to the facility. When I ignore what he's pointing at her makes the noise again.

I mutter a string of curse words and sit up to see what he's pointing at, "How are you allowed out anyway."

He's pointing to the third storey window, furthest to the right, nearly poised over where the 'wall' starts. He gets up and runs off as a carer calls him.

"FINN!" he yells after him and shockingly the guy starts taking his clothes off again.

I squint back at the window, the sunshine's glinting off the window and making it hard to see. There's probably nothing there, fucking mental people. I begin to turn away when something moves, and I push up my shades to see better.

Someones pressing their palm against the window.  
"The hell…"

Theres a glint of gold against the windows sheen.

_Caroline?_

I sit up onto my knees and hold my breath, is it her? It could be, so I wave and try to smile. A part of me feels like an idiot but if it could be her…

"Niamh you have a visitor!" Rebekkah calls from the patio. I look around to see her blonde halo turn away and a familiar face beaming at me in her wake.

"Jesse?" I ask in disbelief.

He bounds down the steps and starts on the grass, "Fucking mental health issue my ass, your just having a vacation."

I glance back to the window but whoever it was is gone and I'm engulfed in Jesse's embrace.

"I've missed you" he says.

"Alright now put me down."

"Affectionate as ever." He laughs and drops down to the ground, "So, do you feel spiritually and mentally awakened or something?"

I give one last look at the window and sit down beside him, "Not really."

"Well I have a pill for that" he says sly and takes in my expression, "Too soon?"

"Just a little." I murmur and his playful expression melts away.

"You frightened me that night." He murmurs and the guilt swells like a water balloon. I find it physically impossible to apologize.

"My mum just took it too far, it was ridiculous and then I thought I could handle it. Just lost sight of my limit. "I joke nervously.

"I'm not going to lecture you about about it because it would be a bit hypocritical..."

"Yeah it would." I agree, remembering a particular time when I was the only one to help him when he was choking on his own vomit.

"But the end of the night was deliberate and to be honest, I'm glad you're here." He says the last part quietly while ripping out parts of the grass. Jesse's not one to talk about his feelings, or emotional stuff, at all. He's my oldest friend and he actually laughs at funerals because he's so uncomfortable, so I don't know what to say.

"What do you like about me Jesse?" I ask quietly. His head snaps up in surprise. No doubt he was waiting for me to take his head off.

"Uhh." He says blankly, "you're honest."

I blink, I'm not fucking honest.

"Not really about yourself but how you see other things, like people's actions and how you view it. Quite diplomatically…your never honest about how you feel though."

"Takes one to know one."

He snorts, "If I didn't laugh I'd cry."

"The horror" I reply dryly.

"I like your sense of humour, keeps me on my toes" he says bumping my shoulder and then throwing his arm around me, "Is this a healing exercise? Am I helping? Call me Dr. Freud." I lean into him and pull my knees up.

"Something like that…"

"I like how you put Katherine's Prada skirt down the toilet after she cheated on me with that dreadlock dickhead."

"I seem to remember you weren't devastated for too long."

He hums in memory, "I also like your choice of underwear."

I squirm uncomfortably as he laughs. I shift under his arm and look up to see Blaine on the Patio, he looks away immediately and throws his cigarette to the ground where wisps of smoke pollute the air. He disappears into the men's entrance.

_Oh no._

I move out of Jesse's embrace but he doesn't seem to mind, caught up in some story that involved me being drunk so obviously I don't remember. I rest my head on his shoulder and listen to him tell me stories about myself, and almost all them involve me being drunk, high, rude, or doing something to make everyone else laugh.

It sounds, well I sound quite lonely. I sound like I do things to get people's attention so I don't have to realise I'm lonely.  
And it hits me, I always feel alone.  
And if I always feel alone…then why wouldn't I try and kill myself.

I swallow and interrupt Jesse mid story, "I did try to."

He's quiet for a moment and puts his arm around me again, "I know. I know what the day was. I know you haven't been happy for a long time, and although we get high and drunk together its' different for you. You get this look on your face, it's like nobody's home and you look sad."

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"I do, but you laugh at me or tell me your fine."

He sounds so miserable it makes what he's telling me so genuine.

"I'm sorry."

"Don't worry. Just get better, I kinda need you yano."

…..

The suns going down and Rebekkah warns us visiting hours are over.

"Before I forget" Jesse spins around with that mischievous glint in his eye. He hands me a carton, "For, um, whenever you get bored and need to enjoy the simple things." He says cryptically and winks. He lopes off towards where Rebekkah waits to escort him out.

I sink back down onto the grass, turning my back on the facility and open the carton. I stare at the cigarettes confused, then notice the first row are sitting higher than the others, I pull them out and peer in.

"Holy shit." I exclaim to myself.

Hunching over my shoulders and trying to look inconspicuous, I lift out one of the two thin joints.

_Oh this was going to be fun._

#

I own no characters except for Niamh. Sorry there was so little of Tate, be patient.


	5. Chapter 5

I jump up from the grass and half skip half run excitedly towards the facility, not really sure who or what I was running to. When I reach the steps Blaine emerges back out of the entrance leading a boy who couldn't be older than fourteen.

"Blaine!" I exclaim excitedly.

He looks up and his facial expression doesn't change, it makes me feel reproachful and nearly extinguishes my excitement.

_It not like he's sneering at you, it's not like he's said anything, he's just…looking. He's not smiling._

The awkwardness climbs as I get closer until I'm standing in front of him and he looks expectant.

_You imagining it, your imagining it, Blaine's lovely._

I look from him to the boy suggestively.

"What is it Niamh? I need to get Jeremy to his check-up."

"Oh."

_He's just busy._

"I just wanted to tell you something but if you're busy I can tell you later, doesn't matter." I dismiss with a wave of my hand, smiling, "Later."

_Feelings lie to you, remember, don't be paranoid over what's not there. Feeling can disappear and appear just like that, their not reliable. Words, actions…_

"Niamh" I turn, Blaine's left the kid and is striding the few steps towards me.

"You can't just walk around the facility like you did this morning." He admonishes quietly and my stomach sinks, "I can't cover for you."

"I didn't ask you to..."

That feeling of sinking, the liquid that was falling I took to be my stomach hardened and started to crack. I needed to be away from that look engraved in his green eyes, the frequent host in those who know me, disappointment.

"It's not appropriate." He says looking away.

"I thought…I thought we were friends." I reply so quietly I'm not sure he hears.

"I-"  
"It doesn't matter! It's fine, I'll see you later." I put an Olympian effort into smiling and turn on my heel and make my way back to my room.

I sit down on my bed and a little while later I realise I've nearly crushed the carton in my hand. The joints are fine and I want one, but I settle for a cigarette. I won't waste them on this feeling, this stupid fucking feeling. I kick the chest of drawers and try not become even more pissed off at the pain in my foot.

I try and make my list for Ben but I realise instead of being able to add to it I've erased the only thing I had.

"I'm hopeless." I murmur to my empty room and tears sting my eyes.

….

I can't sleep and I refuse to take the meds I've hidden under the ball topper of my bed post that screws off. They're so easy to fool in this place, which makes me wonder who the the real fools are, us or them.

How did I even know there was something wrong with me? How do I know everyone else doesn't share the same thoughts and feelings? And I've just acted idiotic and out of line…How do I pretend to be…normal.

What is normal? Smiling when it hurts, not being so sensitive and selfish and conflicted and fucked up.

Blaine was normal. More than normal, he was… right and everything about me was wrong, which is why he wants nothing to do with me anymore. How to be right, what happened to make me go wrong… Was there a series of moments when I was transitioning, going from girl to woman or from one head space to another where I was interrupted by something dark.

There was _his_death but people die all the time, so it's no excuse.

_Why did he have to die and leave me here…_

"Shut up." A voice snaps in a hiss outside. I sit up and strain my ears to listen to the faint footsteps. I bolt off my bed and fling open my door just as Hayden, Violet and two others are opening the one at the end of the hall. They all look at me.

"You can't be serious" Hayden sneers, "You want to come now?"

I look at Violet and my palms itch, "Yes." I answer coolly.

Hayden smirks, "So hurry the fuck up."

I grab Jesse's carton and the meds I'd stashed.  
I hadn't noticed before but to get into the underground passages you have to go through the art room, the supply room and through a fire exit which gives you the option of going down the basement stairs or bursting out into the free world. I wonder why nobody chose the latter.

I ask Hayden.

She lets out a bark of laughter, "They've sealed it shut, obviously, can't let the loonys out of the loony bin."

"So how does Tate get out?" Violet asks. I'm glad she did but gratitude is something she doesn't deserve.

Hayden's eyes flicker and its evident he hasn't told her.

"Now why would I tell you that?" She draws out nastily.

We walk in silence and I relish in the kick I get from knowing Hayden hasn't gotten something she thinks she deserves.

Tate doesn't think as highly of her as she thinks of him.

We finally turn into that passage, the hum of the electric surging into the lights as they flicker. I look over my shoulder and memorize what I can of the grey walls, the cracks and the cold. As we get deeper Hayden skirts to the side, avoiding the glass on the floor. As I follow her lead I look down to where I would have been standing that night, from the eyes whoever was watching me I would have looked so vulnerable, so desolate…and now I was walking back into the dark.

They're louder tonight in the room, livelier; it makes my chest tight as we walk in silence towards the room. Hayden swings the door open and disappears in a shot, I keep my shoulders straight and my head up as I descend the steps, careful not to look at anyone.

Not to look at him.

The tartan blankets still where we left it, I give it a shake and sit down with my back against the wall and cross my legs. I empty my stash into gap between my thighs.

_Eenie, meenie, miney, mo._

I sense Violet sit down but I don't look at her. I light up a cigarette staring down at my choices.

"Have I done something wrong?" Violet asks.

I glance up at her, "Haven't we all? Otherwise we wouldn't be here."

"Why are you bullshitting me?" she exclaims.

Because you deserve it, "I'm not. Tired."

She looks insolent, "whatever. I get you miss Caroline but it's not my fault."

Go fuck yourself, "I know."

She rolls her eyes and look away to everyone else, but she doesn't get up. She doesn't leave.

I pick up a Valium and Colex and place them in front of her, "What I owe you."

She looks surprised and then enticed, "They stopped giving me these…" she says popping the Valium into her mouth.

"Why?"

She looks into my face for while and I can almost see the memories replaying in her head,"On a bad day they make everything worse." She says dazedly.

Oh fuck.

"And on a good day?"

"A good days why they're worth the risk" she grins.

I throw back two and shake my shoulders in an effort not to heave.

"Well, I reckon I could counter balance the bad with this…" I say holding up one of the joints.

"Holy shit." Violet breathes. I drop it back into the gap and take a draw on my cigarette feeling triumphant. I leave her the last few draws, the room tilts slightly as I extend my hand.

"Woah" I giggle and Violet smiles lazily.

"Good day" she mumurs.

I put the rest of the pills back in my pocket.

Violet grips my knee, "Don't let anyone steal them."

I shake my head from side to side and learn what its like to be a wave. I giggle even more and Violet plays with my hair. I lean my head into her hand and looks around. Same people…

Tate's straddling a chair and listening to whatever Horrible Hayden's saying.

"Shhh" Violet hushes.

"Well she is." I mutter and fall into her shoulder.

Tate's magnetic onyx eyes find me and pin something to my chest. He's got magic in his bones, maybe dark magic but magic none the less, it just needs to be shown people like it. I smile at him because he should know he's special and not scary.

His brow furrows.

"He's special." I tell Violet.

She hushes me again, "No, he's dangerous."

I shake my head because she doesn't understand; he's only dangerous if you make him. The blankets fuzzy under my finger tips as I look for the smooth paper.

"Not yet." Violet warns and I find Hayden, Tate and Blue eyes staring at us.

"What?" I shout at them so everyone else looks.

Violet fingers pause on my hair and a strange sensation spreads through my back muscles. I hum in pleasure and roll my shoulders, Violets fingers start their circuit again.

"Hey" My knee jerks sideways in response to someone's kick, I look up confused at Hayden, "I asked you a question."

"Did you?" I mumble wishing she'd drop to the floor, dead.

"You should share." She advises.

"I should have done a lot of things…" I sigh sadly.

"She doesn't have anymore." Violet lies.

"Oh really?"

"What's the matter? Haven't you shit in four days?"

I look at Violet in surprise and Hayden's face flames red.

"If you're going to going to get what you want Hayden" Tate begins loudly from his converse throne, "You should know the people your trying to play…evidently you don't."

"All I wanted was a fucking colex! I'm not going to draw out the sunshine and lollipops treatment."

Tate hums in response, not looking up from the floor, "True… but then it would be like taking candy from a baby, anytime you like."

He looks up at me from under his eyelashes, innocent like, his chin resting on his hands on the back of the chair.

"Problem being I'm a heartless bitch and wouldn't help you anyway." I say bluntly to Hayden who looks shocked.

Then I realise the rest of the rooms silent, waiting, expecting, I feel the weight of it. Deliberately I take out one of the joints and light it without a care in the world.

Hayden drops to the floor crossing her legs in front of me, mesmerised.

Inhale, hold, burn, exhale, repeat.

The acuteness of the world falls away and lazily hand the joint to Violet.

"How did you even get that in here?"

Rolling my head to the right I realise Tate crouching beside me. His eyes are captivating…but I decide it isn't time to tell him.

I smile, "A friend." I turn to Violet when she coughs softly and hands the last draw to Hayden, "he's in love with me."

"Loves an illusion" Violet comments idly. She falls back onto her elbows.

_Lord help me walk another mile, just one more mile, I'm tired of walkin all alone…_

"It might be a good thing to be eluded if it means you're happy." I say.

"But who's to say you're really in love…or whether you're just dumb." Tate murmurs and I turn to see he's leaning back against the wall beside me.

"I prefer Jonny to Elvis." Hayden giggles and soon I'm giggling with her.

I search dumbly for the second joint and light it up. Violets talking about jelly babies. I take the first draw and hold it out for Tate, exhaling slowly. He hesitates before taking it from me.

His lips cover the ghost of mine.

_For being so tiny, Jesse really packed shit in…maybe it was new._

I watch his soft blush lips curve around the end as he inhales. He doesn't flinch as the joint retreats and tilts his head back to exhale. He looks at me and I can finally distinguish he iris from his pupil, it dilates.

"Your eyes are amazing."

I trace his face.

"Thank you." He murmurs. His voice reminds me he's real and not just something to memorise.

"You need to pass that around!" Hayden complains, "there's not enough to hog."

"So we'll recycle." Tate murmurs taking another huge draw. He hands the joint to Hayden, his jaw strained and before can react he's angling my face. His thumb brushes my lips apart and he exhales into my mouth.

I freeze but I'm on fire. I'm still but I tingle all over. I'm afraid but I'm excited.

His hand cups my cheek as he breathes into me and stays when I close my mouth and hold.

_Exhale._

I try not to cough as my lungs burn and my head becomes the fluff inside clouds.

"That's the hottest fucking thing I've ever seen." Violet says in a joint strained voice.

Hayden's staring.

Tate slowly moves his hand from my face, but his arm drapes around my shoulders as he sits back.

"I feel like pink candy floss." I smile and Tate's chest vibrates. I lean closer to it.

It dawned on me that this room was like a mysterious cave, filled with rare jewels or coal that could be diamonds. Although, I always thought people crusted in jewels were

"And that folks, is the end of it." Violet says handing me the last draw. I take it and inhale to the butt, I don't want this high to end.

"Is getting baked what you're in for? Smoke out your house?" Tate murmurs in my ear, I shiver.

"I tell you mine you tell me yours?" I counter lazily, trying to lean back and see him. He's so close. I feel strong, powerful, self assured… I like it.

Tate pauses and then uncurls his arm from my shoulders. I frown. He scooches over so we're in a circle.

"How about we all get to know each other, the raw truth." He says too optimistically for the topic he was proposing.

_He couldn't have said that with his arm around me?_

I wrap my arms around myself and try and hold onto the fuzzyness. Violet looks like she's concentrating hard on something.

"Who's to say you won't lie." Hayden says with a hard look.

Tate smiles at her, "Because there would be absolutely no point in me playing. I already know your story…" Hayden's nostrils flare. "So…who wants to go first."

My fuzzyness feels like friction. He smiles at all of us, in turn and my palms become clammy… like little rock pools. I inspect the creases in my hand expecting to find the tiniest little crabs wandering around.

"They're hiding…"

"What?" Hayden half shouts and I jump.

"Think someone's been left dumb" Tate says and the frictions unbearable. "Well if no ones going to be fourth coming…I'll guess."

"Why can't you go first." I ask and he smirks and looks at violet.

"Depression, obviously, cutter, again obvious. Suicidal? Evidently not successful…" He says plainly as I look back and fourth between him and Violet. I feel her anxiety, I feel it creep over my skin, "You never took that blade and dragged it downwards so your problems never seemed that unbearable but you didn't deal with them. You did tell the bitch who goaded you in front of your friends to go to hell. You stayed quiet and let it hurt, then hurt yourself… You never spoke. SOOO im guessing one day, you left the bathroom door unlocked, pressed down a little harder, horizontally, and waited for someone to pay attention."

He doesn't take his eyes off Violet face as he pins her secrets on her and her silence keeps them there. I find a sparkley, flinty rock and give it to Violet. She gives me a bizarre look.

"It's pretty" I explain

"It's sharp." Hayden corrects and Violet throws it away.

I pull my knees up to my chest.

Tate looks to Hayden and opens his mouth.

"I'm sick Tate, we know that." Hayden says boredly.

"We're all 'sick'" he replies, "YOU, you're angry and lonely and have a need to control others because you can't control your own little life. So you took it too far one day and ended up in here and your too stubborn to think there's something really wrong with you."

"Takes one to know one." Hayden replies, but I can she's pissed, and he stares blankly at her, "But you are just a little more extreme."

"Stubborn." He mutters.

I stare at Violet. I want her to be happy again. I slid the other valium towards her. She looks down at it and then up at me through between the curtain of hair.

Her upper lip twitches, she reminds me of the satan dog from the next door neighbour, "They'll make it worse."

"I just wanted you to be happy again…"

"And then there's you."

Tate's looking at me intently but I want to run away. I look to the others for a little help, but Violet head is bent and Hayden's looking at me, bubbling anger behind her eyes.

"You're just fucking sad."

I blink at the simplicity in his harsh words. Like little spikey coated words… flying like daggers.

He rests his chin on his hand, elbow poised on his knee, "You've been sad for a very long time, but then it evolved, became anger, loathing, guilt, shame, despair…and im guessing you pop your pills to ease all them feelings. Your sad. Sometimes depressed. But really sad, what makes you different from Violet is… you'd given up. You wouldn't mulate yourself, because that would draw attention, youd didn't want attention."

"I hadn't given up…what do you mean give up? I had nothing to give up." I defend. My mouths running away with what my minds spurring out, my mind feels like noddles….colourful noodles.. and im drawing out a string of words…

_Noodles would be so good right now…chow mein…holy shit I'm hungry.  
_"Exactly… you had nothing." Tate says quietly, "SO failed suicide? Rents stop putting up with your shit? Do something drastic so the cops got involved and this was the best bet?"

His magnetic eyes were taking too much like the tornado taking Dorothy's home.

"I thought you were meant to be good at this." I say almost tasting lemon juice swirling around my tongue.

Tate smirks, "I'm not physic."

_He's so annoying, boys are annoying. I'm hungry._

"So what about you?" Violet asks him, "No bullshit."

_I wonder could we break into the canteen…_

He straightens up, shoulders pushed back and says proudly, "I'm a soldier of the noble war."

_WHAT! He's a soldier, he looks so young…he was young when he joined the marines._

Hayden makes a raspberry noise threw her lips, it makes me giggle, "She said no bullshit."

Tate doesn't respond or even look at her, "I realise what society has become, there are right ways and wrong ways of mutilating yourself," he looks at Violet, "How fucked up is that? When its your body…" He clasps his hands and addresses us, "The streets are fucking filthy, the sun heating the rot, the fake shit they make you buy, the shit they say will make you a better person…corrupting you. Making some people feel superior above the rest. The worlds fucking corrupt and I see it. We all see it, its why we're in here. We could be an army and they know that, so they're trying to mould us again. To become 'societal acceptable.' I'd rather be dead."

_ I don't want to be a soldier… I don't like press ups._

"So you tried to kill yourself? How original" Hayden snorts snatching one of my cigarettes.

"Heyy…" I protest and she glares, "Why are you so pissy."

"Because she's being herself." Tate answers me, I giggle, and then says to her, "I didn't try kill myself, I'm not a coward. I'm here to cleanse."

"I don't understand." Violet says flatly.

_Silly violet…ultra-violet. _

There's a silence. He looks at her and his black eyes become still, ominous, "It's a filthy goddamn world, and I make sure the people I love don't suffer in it."  
"You protected those you love." I sum up happily. I wonder why the other two don't look enlightened, Hayden looks worried and Violets just starring wide eyed.

"Yeah" Tate smiles, smiles because I get it. He knows I know he's special.

"My dad was a marine." I tell him.

*  
_  
_I don't know where Violets gone…she's left me again and I'm so hungry. I think, no really thirsty. I need something… I need more valium or weed. It's strange, it's like a burst of clarity. I realise I'm still in the basement room, I'm a little cold, my head is on Tate's chest as he leans against the wall. Tate gets up and walks over to the boy with blue eyes.

I want to go to bed. I want someone to hug me. I want Caroline.

I want her bright personality around me and I want her optimism and I want her close because she's good and makes me feel like I'm good. Blaine makes me feel good…but I made him feel bad and now he doesn't want to talk to me.

I get up and head to the stairs.

Another burst of clarity makes me realise I'm half way back, alerted by the crack of broken glass under my tennis shoe. I hop to the side quickly before I slice my foot open.

My head hurts, I need more valium, I need aspirin…I want a drink.

I jump.

The whistlings back.

I'm dosed in cold, paralysing fear.

"No" I moan. My nails dig into the concrete wall.

It gets louder…

I run, I run like the monster behind me is snapping at my heels, ready to grab my hair from behind and slit my throat. I crash through the door leading to the stairs that'll take me up to safety but I trip and fall with a short scream to the floor.

My breaths reflecting of the cold floor, my forearms braced at my sides just in time. I can't move, I can't think, I'm just fear.

It's quiet and I have to get up, I know I have to. I push myself up on to my side.

The doorways empty.

I scramble up and reach out for the railing. I use it to haul up a few steps when I'm blocked.

I scream again, but fear evaporates into surprise.

"Tate?"

He's looking at me in concern and puts both hands on my shoulders, "Hey" he soothes, "calm down."

"There was.. there was someone… running and I fell and whistling" I ramble as he pulls me down onto the steps, one arm around my waist. I get as close as I can because nobody would try and hurt Tate.

"I didn't hear any whistling." He murmurs resting his head on mine.

"There was and it was loud and they were coming!" I explain looking at the heavy door in fear. I tighten myself around Tate.

He makes a 'humph' noise in delight, "I think you just mixed your meds just a little too much, you should probably stop taking them."

I nod into his chest, feeling relived, feeling the last of the fuzzyness rush threw me, I was afraid, on edge, filled with adrenaline and when I felt like this…

I lean back and press my lips to Tate's throat. He tenses. I look up into his face, he's literally frozen, eyes wide. I do it again and he sucks in a sharp breath. After four seconds I untangle myself, mortified and red hot with rejection.

I make it up the first flight when he yanks me around by my arm and slides his hand into my hair. His lips cover mine by the time by back hits the wall. He holds me where he wants me, his hand sliding down to the back of my neck and tilting my head up as he presses up against me.

His other hand slides around from my waist and presses into the bottom of my back so I bow up against his body, his lips part and his hot breath coax mine to do the same. His tongue attentively stroke my bottom lip and I wait, locked in suspense. He grazes his nose against mine before sinking his tongue into my mouth and he's basically holding me up, I moan.

_Yes, I need this, I've missed this, this is what I was hungry for…_

His embrace leave and I nearly fall, but he's curling his hands around my thighs and pushing me up the wall, his hips pinned against me. I lock my ankles as his hand runs up my thigh. I have to breathe and break away, I can't think, I can't…  
He kisses my neck, making a circuit before dipping below the hollow of my throat. His teeth graze me in a kiss that burns before he makes his way up to the upset side. I rock my hips against him, I'm needing.

I move my hands from where the grip his shoulders to his blonde locks, pushing it away from his eyes and tilting his head up to me so I can kiss him. He groans and his hands tighten around my naked hips, I flinch when my flesh makes contact with the cold wall, such a contrast to how he feels. When he breaks the kiss he's breathless and smiles up at me, he looks younger when he does that, I like it so I smile down at him and cup his cheek. He sets me slowly on my feet, back in the position from before only my nightdress is hitched around my hips, a pooling of fabric at the front holding onto my modesty.

I'm not embarrassed with the way he's looking at me but im becoming impatient and pull his jumper up. Then its gone and forgotten. His hands run up my thighs again, pulling up the fabric that's fallen down, the slide around to cup my back side as I trace his chest with my finger tips.

"What happened?" I breathe tracing the puckered scars.

"War wounds" he sighs against my cheek before taking my mouth for his own again. My breathings ragged between kisses, moaning when his fingers bite into my skin and in the movement he shifts, one arm is around my waist and his other pinned between or bodies.

_oh my god he's.._

**"**Ah" I gasp and bury my face into his neck. He hums in approval, two fingers slotting in around my clit, back and forth. Sweet, deliberate agony. I gasp again when he slips them inside, easily, god I want this, my bodies responding electrically. He pulls my head back to kiss me again as his fingers curl upwards as they slip in again and again.

I'm hot, I'm wanting, I'm needing, I'm going to detonate…I an instant he turns, so suddenly I would've fallen over if it weren't for his hold, he hitches my leg up and pulls us down to the floor, his back against the wall. The grounds cold but I hardly care, I take advantage of being able to kiss his neck and chest and he unzips his faded jeans.

I take him in my hand when he's free, glancing up from under my lashes. His chest raises and falls as watches me with his wide eyes, desire being the shade of black. I lean in and kiss him lightly, feeling filled with hegemony as my hand pump down slowly, my grip bordering tight and up again quickly. He sucks in a breath between his teeth and takes a fist full of my nightdress and pulls it, I'm surprised it doesn't rip. He slides down the wall even further and pulls my nightdress up around my waist and guides me down..

"Oh" I inhale, smiling slightly in pleasure as he fills me.

He makes a noise deep in his throat and pulls my knees further around his hips and I cling to his shoulders.

"Alright, move." He breathes and I begin to rock my hips, biting my lip at the sensation running through me. I grip whatever part of him I can as I rock my hips, back and forth, in a circle, meeting his efforts in guiding me. He leans back, slouching slightly down the wall, I gain better balance and slide up and down his length effortlessly, in a complete haze of lust and sensation.

"Oh Jesus fucking Christ." He grits through his teeth.

I moan incoherently as that tight feeling coils in my stomach, the fuse being united and rushing to the firework display.

"Oh god." I gasp and he sits up abruptly, touching somewhere deeper inside me which makes me half scream. It takes me a moment to recover from it, and I swivel my hips in search of it again but I can't find it but still good, still so good. Tate's kissing me through the fabric, over my breast until he find the little pucker and nips with his teeth.

I grab a fistful of his hair and pull him back and kiss him deeply, picking up the pace, I need this, I need it. He groans loudly indicating he's coming and that feeling unfurls quickly in my stomach at the sound, shooting off spark and explosive in every direction. It's been so long, it feels so fucking amazing all I can do is gasp loudly, drawing in breath like I've been drowning. _  
_  
"Yes." I moan happily and spent.

Hid arms are locked around me and he falls back against the wall, we're almost awkwardly lying down. It's nice for a few seconds but I realise my knees are sore and I'm a child set over me. I pull my night dress down. I try and push out of his grip gently but he doesn't budge.

"Tate." I murmur. He's smiling but his eyes are closed.

I hear voices murmuring from the corridor.

"People are coming" I exclaim in a panic and rip out of his arms and stand up. He jumps up with me and starts pulling on his clothes.

The voices are nearly here when Tate take my arm as I make for the other flight of stairs, "I want you again."

"What?"

He curls his arms around me again looks down at me smiling, "I want you."

"Okay, later." I agree quickly.

The door below swing open as Tate's lips descend on mine, I let him kiss me for a few seconds before pulling away and giving his arms a little squeeze. I dash away up the remaining steps, not looking at whoever came through the door, running through the art room and forgetting to be quiet. When I get to my room the sound of the door shutting loudly is like a slap in the face.

My hands smooth back my hair.

"Oh fuck." I mutter, "Oh fuck, fuck, fuck."

I'm slightly sweaty, my night dress slightly damp… Tates mouth marks on the front of my gown. I pull it up over my head, use it to pad away some of the damp and throw it away to a corner of the room. I hoke out another, my longest, thickest one and pull it down over me. I sink down onto my bed, wrapping me arms around myself, that familiar feeling of disbelief and shame mixing in my blood.

"Oh fuck."

I catch sight of Caroline's clock in the moonlight.

"4 am, you know my secrets, know who I am and you don't tell another soul."

I feel hallow, paperweight, tired, thirsty.

I wonder what Tate's doing now…

I get up to pull Caroline's chair to the door, fastening it under the door knob. I take a few steps back and take in my surroundings. I'm alone.

Gingerly I pull back my covers and get into bed, curling into the fettle position.

Drugs were stupid and I was stupid and I couldn't think for the sake of being so tired. I knew the morning would come with its consequences but somehow I found myself remembering what the date was.

23rd August 1979.

"Happy Birthday to me."

My first gift and possibly only, is falling into a blissful dark.

Reviews are nice, Niamh being Happy is nicer ;) Time for Birthday celebrations and revelations.


	6. Chapter 6

My eyes snap open as the tail end of my thought or dream evaporates.

I blink at the cool blue concrete. I'm cold.

_"I want you."_

I drag my pillow over my head and beat my fists against it.

I won't think about it, it didn't happen, it won't happen again.

"Ah" I sob as a blinding agony rips through my skull. My fists begin to vibrate within the pillow, the vibrations carrying through my body as I cling to it.

"Stop, please stop."

Finally the pain subsides and my fingers release, blood rushing through them.

I don't want to get up. I don't want to move. I don't want to be.

I sit up and unscrew the ball topper… there's nothing left.

"I had more…"

Something moves from the corner of my eye, my first thoughts a black cat jumping from Caroline's bed. I spin and hurt my ribs on the head board and search the room. There's no cat… there's nothing.

I let out a groan as I bow my head over my head, letting the hells press on my eyes.

_I'm losing it._

A clear voice from outside says something in its routine making my head snap up and through the blurry focus I see the chair blocking my door. I scramble off my bed, nearly losing my balance and clear the chair away as it swings open.

The nurse looks startled as I stare back like a rabbit caught in the headlights.

"Checks" she says relaxing and scribbling on her chart. She gives peculiar glance to the inside of the room and one at me, I try to smile. She looks unconvinced but doesn't care enough to pursue, she moves away from my door frame to my neighbour. I close it behind her.

I shake my hands trying to dry them of anxiety, fuck this.

I jump as the door swings open behind me.

"Oh your awake" Rebekkah beams, "May I be the first to wish you a Happy Birthday."

"Thanks." I reply wanting her to leave.

"I know it's not the best birthday gift but I have to inform you that you have your monthly session with Dr. Mikaelson at eleven."

"Okay, right, fine."

I grit my teeth and look at the chair left at the foot of Caroline's bed and internally please she's not going to ask…

"Are you okay?"

I swallow and close my eyes before I look at her, "I'm fine."

She stares.

"I'm just tired."

"You took your sleeping pills?"

"Yes."

She hums.

"I had nightmares."

"Really?"

I nod.

"Well, there's something I'm sure Dr. Mickelson will want to know about" she says softly.

Great.

I extend a tight smile that she actually perceives as her queue to go. Sinking down onto Caroline's bed I know I've screwed up, I know I'm going to have to try and lie, I know things could ultimately get worse and yet all I can do is stare blankly.

_What kind of person does this?_

**_  
_I feel like I'm on a tip of point, rocking slightly side to side, with my eyes closed I imagine I'm balanced on a precipice with nothing but black below. My fingers message my skull lightly, the way I used to like it when I was little… was it always going to be like this, this hard, what was the point. I rock too far to the right and my knee sinks into my cheek.

Someone knocks on the door.

I open my eyes slowly and am mildly surprised to see the white lino flooring.

_How long had I been sitting like this._

I drag my head up to rest on my knee instead of being between them. The door cracks open and I sit up as Blaine appears from behind the door. Oh great. He frowns at my bed and then turns to leave giving him time to look at Caroline's.

For a beat he just stares at me before cracking a small smile, "Hey, you okay?"

I want to tell him but I can't, "Fine."

He opens the door wider and I see he's carrying a brown bag with two cups of coffee balanced in a holder in one hand. The smell of golden roasted coffee makes me sit up.

"Heard it was your birthday" he says shyly shutting the door behind him. He looks around and shifts awkwardly and I realise he doesn't know what to do with himself, finally he takes the chair from the bottom of the bed and swings it around in front of me.

"Have to keep this quiet, wouldn't want anyone to think you were getting special treatment." He jokes holding out one of the cups to me, a brown logo curling around a woman on the side.

_'Starbucks…Coffee…Tea…Spices'_

"And some breakfast" he mutters placing the brown bag beside me.

"Uh thanks." I mumble happily but confused….and guilty. Why isn't it possible to just to feel one thing and one thing only.

"It's also an apology" he says taking the lid off his own cup and I close my eyes at the scent as steam rises, "I was short with you the other day, for the wrong reasons, so it wasn't sincere when I implemented I didn't want to… talk to you anymore. I'm sorry."

I feel something uncurl and blossom I'm my stomach.

"Oh.", Tate flashes in my mind and I push him away, I won't let him be involved with Blaine, won't let him ruin this, won't let myself ruin this, "I'm glad."

Now he smiles properly, "Well aren't you going to try it" he says motioning to the warm cup in my hands, "I didn't know what to get you so I just guessed."

"What did you get?"

"Old fashioned black and bitter" he says proudly taking a sip.

I grin opening my own, coffee and something sweet drifting up in the steam. God it smells amazing.  
I take a small sip and let out the happiest of groans.

I look up to find his gaze on me. He winks and starts opening the brown bag, "And hot cinnamon rolls and pancakes, I hope this works out…" he mutters unwrapping the foil containing the pancakes, they seem fine to me.

"This is perfect." I sigh taking another sip and watch him assemble breakfast. It was almost normal…I guess.

"Good."

He unwraps the cube of butter and pops it on the stack. I wonder why the sudden change of heart, wanting to know but too afraid to ask… how frustrating.

"What are you thinking about?" he asks mildly. I freeze under his intent gaze.

Here goes, "Just wondering why you did this…"

He looks away and takes a drink of his coffee, I frown, "I told you I think I was too harsh…and… I forgot how hard it can be, for you, here. I was supposed to be your friend."

"So your my friend?" I grin

"If you'll have me."

I quirk my eyebrow at the assortments of birthday gifts, "I think you've bought yourself in"

"Who says money doesn't buy happiness" he mocks rolling his eyes and I giggle.

He apologies for not having forks his excuse being he had to smuggle the breakfast in, I tell its fine, because it is, it's perfect.

**

"I could eat cinnamon rolls for the rest of my life." He says lazily slouched down in his chair.

"I prefer the pancakes" I reply and drain the last of my coffee. I feel a million times better than I did earlier, it's like he was my dimmer switch and I was blazing bright.  
"You can look after me when I'm too fat to move from all the rolls" he smirks, his knee's swaying from side to side and I want to put my hand on his thigh to stop him.

"What would that entail?"

"Feeding me I suppose, I won't be able to move. I imagine just being jammed into this armchair and you'll have to bring me things."

"Sounds more like slavery."

"I'll pay you."

I raise my eyebrows.

"In kind" he adds smiling.

"I don't think you could manage, if you haven't been told already, you're not a nice person." I say looking anywhere but at him so I don't end up laughing.

"Ow" he pouts and puts hand over his heart. I shrug, "I'm sorry I bring my presence upon you but I guess I'll have to do my JOB soon where I HELP people and then throw away this breakfast which I brought you for your BIRTHDAY as a GIFT."

I can't help it; I burst out into giggles and fall back onto Caroline's bed.

"I'm such a disgraceful person" he says under his breath and I grin at him.

It creeps up unexpectedly, like it was poised waiting, _that_ moment. The world slows down, thoughts melt away, and breathing becomes effort as we just stare at each other. He's stopped swinging his thigh.

"FUCK YOU!"

The outrage is clear cut outside in the corridor and kicks the world back into motion. Blaine sits up straight and I tilt my head back to the ceiling.

"Hayden" I sigh.

"Seems someone woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning" he says gathering up the rubbish.

_Or, like me, she's had around four hours sleep._

"You have the look on your face again."

"What look?" I ask puzzled, sitting up.

"That you're thinking deep thoughts"

I open and close my mouth trying to gather some gabble up about… anything.

"You know what" he says waving his hand, "don't answer that, it's not appropriate. You should talk to Ben or Dr. Mikaelson."

"Well it depends" I say quietly, "Are you asking or a carer or a friend."

He stops what he's doing and glances at me, he turns and sits down on the bed, "A friend."

"Do you ever do things…that make you wonder if you're a bad person?"

"Of course.", He answers without missing a beat, "I just prefer to think of it as lessons on how to be a better person."

I didn't know how to do that, is that about doing the opposite of I do? But I only regret what I've done once I've done it…I was a lost fucking cause that way.

And as if reading my thoughts he says fiercely, "You're not a bad person."

"You don't know that."

"Yeah, I do actually." He says brightly and my nightdress strains against my thighs as my fists curl at my sides, "I'm a good judge of character."

He's smiling at me, his green eyes shining with sincerity and as much I love looking at them I can't help but let my gaze drift south. He had the prettiest lips, perfect in colour, the bottom fuller than the top so I wanted to take it between my teeth and trace the lines engraved there, from holding cigarettes and speaking.

He gets to his feet, "Now to get rid of the evidence"

"Huh" I laugh and try to get a grip. He puts everything in the brown bag and begins rolling it up, crushing everything inside. I open my mouth to thank him but there's a bang from the ward that makes me jump and Hayden's shouting.

Blaine darts for the door but I manage to grab his arm, he looks at me with wide eyes.

"I'll hide this" I murmur taking the brown bag from him. It rips a little as his fingers fail to comply. I ignore his awkward stance and smile up at him, "Thank you."

"You welcome" he breathes.

I calculate what I'm about to do, the worst and best possible outcomes flashing before my eyes, at least I'm thinking before I act. I lean up, slow enough for him to realise and pull away if he wants to…as he probably should for both our sakes, but he doesn't and I plant a chaste kiss on his cheek. I swallow as I tilt back onto my feet, the cheek I kissed tingeing pink and his other mirroring. His lips are parted as he stands rigid staring at me.

"DON'T YOU TOUCH ME YOU FILTY COMMI!"

I jump at Hayden's snarl, followed by her signature move of kicking over the chairs. Blaine blanches and then turns for the door, yanking it open and sliding out into the ward. I stand rooted to the spot, especially when a conversation starts momentarily and carries through the gap.

"What were you doing in there?" I hear Rebekkah snap, she sounds exasperated.

"Talking" Blaine responds instantly.

"Its not your job to talk is it?" She retorts and there's another thud of furniture hitting the lino, "HAYDEN! CUT THAT OUT RIGHT NOW!"

"I'm bored! You think you could get some decent entertainment in this shit hole!"

I hear Rebekkah fume at her, her voice getting fainter as she walks up to the TV area.

_Well he didn't move away._

I smile and savour the tingles running down my arms and legs.

"Maybe this is the place for me."

**

Rebekkah doesn't speak to me as she takes me to Dr. Mikaelson. I expected her to ask about Blaine in my room, I'd already planned out my lie, but she doesn't ask. She seems pissed off under that calm face, I can tell from the stiffness in her shoulders, she's walking like she's in the military. She walks briskly and I'm almost jogging to keep up, I don't like it, I'm in my only sun dress. It's almost awkward in the elevator but I decide I don't care, her problems aren't mine and with that her behaviour stops bothering me and I sink away into daydreams.

She knocks sharply on a door, not the one from the first day…come to think of it, I don't think we're near the front of the building. I look back behind me and find only a corridor with wide windows on one side.

"Come in." he permits and Rebekkah swings the door open, lining it with her body motioning for me to go in. She doesn't look at me but glancing into the room I find Dr. Mikaelson poised behind his desk, waiting.

"Thank you Rebkekkah" he says in his velvet, English rose voice.

She nods and closes the door behind me.

Anxiety scrapes at my ribs.

"Please Niamh, sit." He says gesturing to the long blood red, recliner by one of the huge square windows.

_Ah, the real loony couch._

Its body's thick and pert shrouded in leather, I know when I sit on it I won't sink into it or be subjected to unpleasantry. I glance around the rest of this room, his desk, his walks lined with book shelves; it was like a miniature library with two filing cabinets in the far corner.

"This is my personal study" he explains softly, resting his elbows on the desk and interlocking his fingers. I answer with a small smile sitting down onto the cool leather and feeling self conscious as I lie down. It's soft and the right balance between soft and firm. I clasp my hands together on my stomach.

"Anxious?"

I swallow, "A little."

"Perfectly normal." He reassures, "I myself would not reveal my true thoughts and feelings if I did not feel at ease with whom was asking, so I do not expect you to. I will try to make you as comfortable as possible and earn your trust. So let me begin simply, you can trust me Niamh. I am not here to judge you on what you feel and what you think, but to help you come to terms with this ailment of your mind, to help heal."

My lips quiver.

"Please, go on."

I exhale and lick my lips, "Isn't that judging me, telling me there is a, a fault with my mind?"

"Your actions, your behaviour and you yourself know there is an ailment within you own psyche. If not you wouldn't have made any progress with Dr. Harmon at all, in fact you would be refusing to speak to me now."

"Are you always so sure of everything?" I mutter.

"Some things more than others." He says and I know he's smiling.

_Yeah well you sound like walking riddle._

"Coming back to the positive" he continues, "Dr. Harmon has been pleased with your response to your sessions given you have been adjusting this month. However he tells me in you last three sessions you have been distracted."

He pauses as if waiting for me to explain… I can't really remember much of my sessions with Ben. One after the first night in the basement…one after I though Blaine didn't want to be my friend…

"Has this to do with Caroline Forbes?"

I swallow and shrug.

"You have no reason to worry, although is it only natural. Caroline is responding well and is doing great."

"How do I know that isn't a lie." I ask quietly. It feels wrong to be abusive towards that voice…strange, I'd be glaring at Ben by now. Maybe it's to do with not being able to see him.

"I have absolutely no reason to lie to you, for one it is dishonest and I have already put fourth my feelings of wanting to earn your trust and second lying has more downfalls. I am also quite proud of Caroline's progress and am feeling a little…boastful."

I smile fully at the ceiling, my muscles tingling as they wake up.

"Now we're here to talk about you." He establishes the topic softly, "Okay?"

I take a deep breath, "Yeah."

The room is calm, I feel weightless, an aura with only thoughts and feelings, not weighed by bones and muscle…like a spirit I suppose.

"How did you first feel about being here?"

"Angry."

"And now?"

"I'm not…it's, I expect to wake up in the mornings and be here, see the same walls, the same people, miss privacy, be bored, be frustrated, it now seems…routine." Although I think about Tate and realise I'm not sure if anything will be routine now.

"And how do you feel about this new routine? Does it make you feel caged?"

"I.. I don't know. I guess. There not a lot for me to do."

"Do you think maybe you are subjecting yourself to these feelings of routine and deadends, afraid to explore other feelings, like your anger."

"If I explore my anger I'll just be angry" I reply confused.

"You'll be closer to identifying the source of it."

"Its me."

"What is?"

"I make me angry." I say, an unpleasant fuzzy feeling starting in the bridge of my nose and travelling up to my tearducts.

"Why are you angry with yourself?"

_Theres so many reasons and I can't seem to draw one up. My mind stutters and panics._

"Take your time."

I lick my lips, "I can't seem to change or make it go away." I'm not sure what I'm saying because I'm not thinking, I can't think before I speak, it's just coming out… I'm just speaking… but it doesn't feel wrong.

"Make what go away?"

"This dark…thing, that when I'm happy I know it's not going to last. I know it's going to set over me again and I can't bear to be inside my own head."

"What thoughts make it unbearable?"

"I know I'm wrong, that I'm bad or something's bad in me."

"And does this cause your actions do you think? Do you reflect your thoughts in your actions? By hurting yourself."

"I don't set out to hurt myself… I just don't generally care if I do."

"I see." And he adds, "Thank you for being so open with me, it is progress in itself, even if that's tough to accept."

I don't believe him and find myself worried the sessions over.

"Dr. Harmon tells me you were unable to complete his task, of listing three qualities you like about yourself."

"No" I confirm.

"This is because your beliefs in yourself are generally bad aren't they?"

I can't speak.

"It will sound far simpler than it is but the truth is always put simply" he begins gently, "in order to help you, in order to help yourself, we will have to change yourself perspective. I will be bluntly honest with you, I believe you had reached the end of your own patience with yourself. Whether you acknowledge so or not, the small part of your mind that was still 'you' trapped within all this negativity was telling you to do the one last thing it could to protect yourself. To get away from these thoughts you would have to turn them off, permanently."

I don't realise I'm crying until I sob from holding my breath.

"Your salvation seemed to be death and you hadn't realised you were edging towards it. Your thoughts are controlled by your beliefs, your feelings are like a thermometer of these beliefs which in turn generate thoughts. What we need you to do and what you need to do for yourself is change your beliefs."

I wipe my face with the back of my hand and my chest heaves with another sob, "Beliefs about what? About me? How do you expect me to just suddenly start believing wonderful things about myself."

"I'm not asking you do that. I'm asking you to reconsider what makes you hate yourself so much, what belief in your own doing has leaded you to feel such darkness that it has completely overtaken you?"

_I already know that._

I sit up and hide my face in my hands as I lose control. I feel his hand on my shoulder.

"I think that is enough for today." He says gently as something brushes my hand, he's holding out a hanky. I take it but I just cry, and cry, and cry, all the while he sits there patiently.

**

He never extends more of a comforting gesture than his hand on my shoulder, but it feels like enough and I know if it were Ben's hand I would hit him. When I'm nothing more than hiccups he offers me a cigarette.

I take it gingerly.

"Calm your system" he says softly, reassuringly. I take it, I light up, I inhale, I exhale, I settle.

"Better?" he asks after a few minutes. I nod, "Good."

We sit in silence.

He holds his hand out for the butt and I give it to him. He walks back to his desk and crushes it into an ashtray.

"Do you think I'll be home by Christmas?" I ask him staring at the chocolate brown carpet.

"It's not possible to say." He says honestly, "But it's also something that can't be completely ruled out. I cannot make you any such promises I'm afraid."

I nod.

"What's wrong with me?" I ask looking up at him, everything in me begging to understand.

He stares back evenly, "I worry it may jeopardise your progress if I were able to explain what I have as only a theory at the moment."

"You don't know what the fucks wrong with me?"

He remains cool, "You have been here for only a little over a month, subjects of the mind are far more complicated when putting a label to."

"How am I supposed to recover if I don't know my disease?" I question through my teeth.

"How are you supposed to recover when you haven't explored it enough" he counters sitting down on the edge of his desk.

I glare at the carpet.

"I do think that is enough for one day" he murmurs and I hear a discrete buzzing, "I think you have more than enough to think about."

A few minutes pass when there's a light tapping on the door and Rebekkah appears again. I stand and catch him nod at her as if confirming something with her, he catches me watching.

"Thank you for your trust and openness today, Niamh." He says appreciatively and my lips fail to smile. Rebekkah waits by the door, seemingly not paying us attention. He lowers his voice, "And I'm very sorry that you had to cry on your birthday" he holds up another cigarette and I take it.

"Take care and think about what I've said." He advises quietly, then gives me a small smile, "And have fun" he adds louder.

Fun with what?

I blink confused and Rebekkah holds her arm out to me smiling, motioning me out. She seems a lot better.

"You okay dear?"

Dear…

"Uh. Yeah."

I feel a little fresher… if not a lot more confused.

"That's good."

Everyone keeps saying that.

**

I notice Rebekkahs smiling, or her lips are twitching to smile as we walk back. I want to ask her, but it's not my business…and I don't see how its whatever it is will make me feel happiness for her.

_I cannot bring myself to be interested in other people happiness if it does not directly concern me…hmm, selfish, is it? I don't like that I'm selfish… if that's what's it is… at least I'm thinking._

Rebekkah's hand on the small of my back ushers me through the nurses' station, my heart stops as I'm assaulted my Blaine face out of nowhere. He's sitting with a load of charts. He look back to his work, a small smile playing at the corner of his mouth.

I grin wondering what that's about.

"Home sweet home" she sings as we step into the ward. I ignore Hayden glaring more vehement than usual from the far corner. Her hair seems greaser as she sits slumped and menacing in her roller-chair.

"Is she behaving?" Rebekkah says under her breath. I glance up to see another nurse has joined her.

"More or less" she sighs and Rebekkah purses her lips.

A shiver runs down my spine and I look back at Hayden. Her lip twitches.

I start for my room.

"Niamh!" Rebekkahs calls from behind me and I turn, she hesitates "Try not to make too much noise."  
She smiles fully and takes a chart being handed to her.

_What?_

I turn slowly, confused. A girl giggles from the couch and claps her hands. I shake my head and start for my room, maybe my mom's sent me a radio…or my records.

With excitement I reach a hand out to push open my door, it's ajar, I remember closing it…  
My bed comes into view but a scent hits me up the face so I stop in my tracks, vanilla and lilies.

Something lets out a sequel and I'm collided with so I fall back against the wide drawers, rattling the trinkets. My arms are braced around something slim and I have golden strands tickling my nose, my eyes widen.

"Caroline?" I breathe.

She lets out a bubble of giggles and leans back, her blue eyes sparkle and she beams at me, "I missed you!"

"Your back." I breathe.

"Yeah" she says like I'm dumb, "I mean you missed me right? You did miss me? Because I missed you and I am so SORRY for being a bitch to you and – AH!"

She shouts in surprise as I tackle her back, wrapping my arms around her again. Happiness swelling around my heart and I think it may burst from my chest.

"Your really back."

She giggles, "And I'm not going anywhere!"

I have to hold her at arm's length again and then we're both laughing and squealing and jumping about like brainless groupies. Inevitably Caroline starts chattering a mile a minute as I hold her hand and we sit on her bed, her legs crossed and clad in her pink sundress.

I'm so happy I have her back, I'm not on my own anymore, I'm so happy at the sight of her and then I really see her. I see she's glowing on the apple of her cheek, she actually has an apple of her cheek when she smiles, the purple smudges under her eyes are barely visible and her bones aren't so sharp and dangerous anymore.

She's getting better.

She's in the middle of explaining how it finally clicked what she was doing to herself, animated and less fearful of what she's talking about, that I almost feel bad for throwing myself at her again and telling her I missed her.

She doesn't get tired and fall asleep.

She hauls me off the bed telling me she's missed the sun and trails me down the corridor shouting over her shoulder that we were signing out.

Before being pulled through the door I look back down the ward to see Blaine smiling at us. I don't remember ever feeling so whole.

**

"And you know, it was like, I finally realised where I was. There was this one girl, she pooped in her hand, I'm serious! Pooped in her hand and tried to put it on her face" Caroline mocks a shiver, she's so ecstatic I cant help but just grin at her as she lies spread out on the grass. She throws up her hands, "And I just had a burst of clarity, like, WHY am I here? Why have I let myself get so… 'ill' that I am _here_"

She lets out a little huff.

"So you just realised how to get better?" I ask quietly.

"Well not exactly" she says sitting up on her forearms, "I realised that I had to… comply. Its like, my head was saying yano 'you have to do this' and I forced myself into it. It was SO hard the first time, like giving into it, it felt like, it was winning but then I kinda thought, no letting it win would be to listen to it, yano that… _little voice_ so I just did what they told me." She's silent for a moment, "It was really awful the first night, I didn't know what was going on, I was shaking and I thought I was going to be sick or my insides were splitting open. Urgh. And I have formally decided" she says sitting up and clasping her hands, "I will never, ever, experience that again."

"I'm proud of you."

She beams.

"I also kinda thought, at the beginning, this bite is for my mom, this one is for my dad, this one is for Niamh, this one is for my future…" she trails off looking distant and lets out a sigh, "I figured out how it started to."

"Really?" I ask engrossed.

She hums, "I had this friend. Her name's Elena and I realised that, she started it all first and I remember thinking she was crazy to diet I mean, we were cheerleaders and already watched our weight already" I frown trying to picture this girl, so I could mentally slap her, "But then, she roped me into it." She lets out a little laugh.  
"How?"

She runs a hand through her hair sitting up straight and taking a deep breath, "Well, it may sound dumb to you - "

"It won't"

She smiles, "But all I've really wanted, well sure I wanted from life is…a family. I want husband who kisses me when he comes home from work and I want a porch with a swing where I'll sit with my kids waiting for him. I want a big garden with flowers and vegetable patch" she sighs happily and I can almost see it all behind the new sparkle in her eyes, "That's what I was sure I wanted." She looks back down to the grass, taking a few strands between her fingers, "And Elena convinced me…that I wouldn't get it if I weren't" she shakes her head as if she can't bring herself to say it.

"Thin?" I quip.

She nods and rips the grass out, "And now, because of all this, I might not even get it." She takes in my puzzled expression and explains quietly, "I haven't had my period in three months."

"Oh." I utter.

She smiles rueful, "It might come back…might."

I take her hands in mine as she pulls out more grass, "You'll get what you want Caroline, you'll have your husband and your kids one way or another, I swear."

She nods and gives my hands a squeeze, "My mom couldn't understand it." She says rolling her eyes, " '_All these new rights and opportunities for women and you want to live in the 50's'_" she imitates.

"It's your life."

"Yup, and I have to start trying to live it." She says firmly and then turns to me.

"Sooooo what's been going on in this part of town" she says winking.

I freeze, where to begin, "Um."

"Blaine's still on our ward" she says suggestively, "Usually they move the carers around…" she raises her eyebrows.

I can't look her in the eye.

"Your going red!"

"Am not!"

"Yes you are! Ooooh he's not been bunking in my bed has he? Got a new roommate?" she goads tickling my sides.

"Cut it out! CAROLINE!"

"You loooovee him. We can have a double wedding, he might have a brother for me" she laughs.

"Oh my god." I drawl.

"Well?"

I roll my eyes, "He brought me breakfast, from starbucks…" she lets out an unnecessary sequel and then clamps her mouth shut, "… this morning"

"And why do you think he did that?"

"Because it's my birthday."

"ITS WHAT!" she screams and I actually fall over.

"Jesus I forgot how loud you could be"

I bend my head back and see Violet pass us heading towards the shade.

"At least she's good loud, unlike Hayden" I reply.

"That's true" she agrees and even manages to offer a small smile.

"Has Violet done anything interesting or whatnot?" Caroline asks brightly looking after her, "It was nice she gave me her dress, I'll have to say thanks again…properly."

I think about last night and how it seemed a million years ago…me and violet wiped out, and Tate…especially Tate.

"You know Violet likes to keep to herself."

Caroline hums and then she snaps her focus back to the most important topic in the entire world, "I cannot believe it's your birthday! Aw its nice I got to come back on it isn't it? I'll have to get you something. What do you like? I'm not buying you cigarettes. I wonder when I'll be allowed my allowance back and catalogues hmmm maybe Ben can ask my mom" she says cheerily and rattles on about more gifts.

"I don't want a Bikini, I doubt I could wear it here."

"Blaine would like it."

"Christ."

She laughs and leans back onto the grass, fanning out her limbs again.

"You're the best present I could ask for."

"Awhhhh!"

"Okay, don't ruin it."

***

"I'm hungry" Caroline murmurs, her cheek pressed into the daisy and her eyes closed.

"Really?" I ask surprised looking around at the people migrating towards the canteen. Caroline hums.

I'm looking at the windows and remember yesterday when I seen the hand at the window. I look at it, closest to the wall. Did Caroline know she was coming back and that's why she pressed her hand against the glass? So close and yet so far and all. I'm about to ask her when I freeze.

Someone palms against the same window.

I can't breathe.

Caroline sits up and stretches lazily, "I hope they have watermelon…what's wrong with you?"

I blink rapidly trying to clear my head and blanch back when she sticks her hand in front of my face and waves it.

"Nothing." I reply quickly getting up and holding out my hand for her. She takes and starts tugging me along.

I glance back up at the window, the palms gone but I can't stop staring. As we get up the patio steps Caroline greets a nurse happily and my heart stutters as there's gold glint behind the sheen, as we pass and I am staring up at Tate.

I trip and fall hard onto my knees.

I'm surrounded in an instant and being helped up. A boy pouts drastically at me and points at my leg, it's all scraped.

"You okay?" Caroline asks.  
I look back up at the empty window, a shiver passing down my spine.

"Yeah" I respond shakily and let her lead the way.

I try very hard not to think and push away the feelings. I concentrate on Caroline and how easily she picks a bowl of pineapple chunks.

"Do you, um, want to share a sandwich" she asks timidly.

"Yeah" I agree although I know I won't be able to taste it. She picks it up but puts it on my tray. I grab two bottles of water.

Caroline's quieter…still talking but not as much.

She eats her fruit without fault.

She stares at her sandwich half and then at mine, which I've been picking at.

"Aren't you hungry?" she asks.

"Yeah" I lie picking it up and biting into it. She relaxes but tears parts of hers, she stills talks, she tares up, rolling little bits of bread between her fingers and eventually she finishes it.

"I wish they'd let us put a candle in your half" she sighs cupping her cheek and I roll my eyes.

"Everything okay ladies?" a carer asks. We're the last patients and carers are cleaning up, I see one behind the buffet noting something down.

"Yep" Caroline beams looking delighted giving him her empty plate.

If Caroline could fight her demons surely I could.

She doesn't nag me when I light up and go back to our bathing spot and the whole afternoon we sit in blissful silence.

I think about what Klaus said, about thinking and feeling and basically digging deeper… but it would be all so raw... and I'm not sure I could bare it. And if I had all these issues I came here with..then why add more. Tate looking down at us flashes in my mind and I know I felt his anger…or something close to it. He wasn't looking at me like he was last night.

_I want you again._

I was never going back down to the basement tunnels.

**

"I feel so …big" Caroline yawns.

"Caroline" She ate a full bowl of soup for dinner and we were having the tired vs stairs scenario. I hover close just encase.

She waves me away with her hand, "Good big, I m fine. Boy who knew eating could be like exercise."

"…Sumo's?"

She gives me a strange look.

"I'm so happy to back in my room with my bed" She drawls happily getting through the door. Rebekkah gives me a nod from the TV room. I close the door and Caroline pulls her dress up over her head so she's just in her slip, she's still all angles… but she's getting softer. She catches me looking.

"What?" she says defensively.

"You look really great" I say as nonchalantly as I can, and briefly worrying about what Rebekkah said and being impassive. Caroline smirks and I guess it couldn't be that bad… but I'll not do it again. She pull out her nightdress from her restocked drawer and gets into bed.

"You don't mind I'm going to sleep now right?" she mumbles rubbing her eyes.

"Not at all."

There's a light tapping on the door and Rebekkah creeks it open.

"Good evening" she says softly.

"Hi." I flop down onto my bed and resist lighting up encase Caroline's tolerance breaks.

"So I've had a little word with the 'boss'" Rebekkah smirks, "and we decided to coincide with good behaviour and your birthday yourselves and few other girls can have a little trip into town on Saturday for ice-cream."

My mouth actually drops open and Caroline sits bolt right up in bed. Rebekkah smirks pleased.

"Your serious? We get to go out?" I utter.

"Yes."

"Me too?" Caroline asks in shock.

"Yes. We've spoken to your mothers, they approve."  
Caroline screams and starts kicking her covers, "YES!"

I can't believe it.

"Well I'll leave you two to it then. Be good." She jokes and steps out of the room.

Caroline looks at me and throws her tiny fists up in glee flopping back onto her bed, "This has been an awesome day!" She sighs happily and is soon snoring softly.

I shake my head, in disbelief at how she checks out so quickly and that we'll be venturing out into the real world in two days. It's been a good day all in all. I light up.

_We've spoken to your mothers._

Something sinks in my chest, funny how on my birthday my mom couldn't speak to me.

**

Blearily I open my eyes, I'm slightly cold. I've fallen asleep on top of my covers and moonlights streaming in through the window, making the room drop a few degree's in appearance. I sit up groggy and wipe my eyes. I glance at Caroline's bed and am relieved to find I hadn't dreamt that part. I decide to have more cig before bed but think smoking around her when she's not aware twice is a little two sneaky, so I step out onto the ward.

The TV's flashing down the corridor, the sound low. I light up and dander toward, moth to a flame. No one's watching it, I sit down and flick through the channels and settling for a channel showing a party scene. It all seems really perfect watching it like this, I wonder which character has the most fucked up life. The it becomes apparent they're all equally fucked when a masked man with a knife turns up.

"I'm not a fan of horrors myself"

I jump as Blaine sinks down onto the far end of the couch, he gives me an amused smile.

I let out a deep breath, "So what do you prefer?"

"Comedies, sometimes old romances…or westerns" he answers. I watch the light of the TV create different shadows on his face, he always remains handsome, "What about you?"

His green eyes are illuminated by the white light of the TV.

I shrug. I can't remember the last movie I watched, "Prefer music to movies."

"What music do you like?" He asks softly leaning back onto the couch.

I curl up and face him, "The Beatles"

She smiles, "I love them to."

"Heartbroken when they split up… you know this could be post Beatles depression" I mumble and he laughs softly.

"I think we all have it."

Blissful silence.

"I'm happy Caroline's back" he murmurs.

"So am I"

"That's a big part of the reason I am", He's watching the TV and doesn't meet my gaze. His hands splayed on the middle cushion. I turn back to the movie and slowly let my fingers creep over to his. Out of the corner of my eye I see him glance down before I reach his hand, he can pull away, I give him time to but when my fingers find, his palms turned upward, expecting. I slide my finger over his and oxygen clogs up my chest. I keep my eyes on the TV. His fingers curl around mine.

"Happy Birthday" he murmurs.

"Thank you." I murmur and try not to shake as his thumb trace over my knuckles and then he skilfully laces our fingers together.

I have never felt more nervous and excited and … I have no idea. Elated?

I glance up at him from under my lashes. He's heads leant back against the couch, face toward me and looks like he concentrating on something.

"You okay?" I murmur.

He hesitates and my stomach flips, "Your beautiful" he says quietly.

_Oh._

I don't know what to do.

I don't know what to say.

I stare at him and then deliberately he lifts our hands and gently kisses the back of mine. Electric currents shoot through me and all I can do is stare at the shape of his lips puckered against my skin.

And then it's over.  
"I have to go do some work and you need to be in bed." He murmurs and gives my fingers a gentle squeeze.

_Oh no._

He grins at my pout.

"Bed."

"Wanna come?"

_Did I just say that?_

I stare at him wide eyed as his face blanks, then he shakes his head like he's trying to clear it. He kisses the back of my hand again and my heart jolts. He unlocks our fingers and sets my and back on the cushion and stands up.

_Damn it._

He lets out a huge breath and runs a hand through his curls.

"Bed" he says firmly and I roll my eyes.

"Goodnight" I mumble stepping around the couch.

"Goodnight"

I have to concentrate on not skipping down the hall.

I dart through our door and push it closed behind me, resting my forehead against it and grinning like a complete loser.

_ I'm going to sleep well tonight!_

I push off the door.

_Or maybe not._

I freeze.

"Who was he?" Tate sits on the end of my bed, his eyes black fire.

Caroline snoring softly is the only sound in the room.

__

**

I own no characters apart from Niamh, even in IRL she's mine ;D haha. Enjoy.


	7. Chapter 7

I'm pinned to the door, he's speared me through the chest. He's watching Caroline who just mumbled in her sleep.

"I wanted to know why you didn't come." He says quietly.

"C-come where?"

He looks back at me and the spear twists.

"And now I want to know why there's a carer on duty."

He looks expectant but I haven't a clue what to say. Caroline mumbles again and panic churns in my stomach. Tate gets up and crosses the room slowly. My hands shake at my hips as he slides his hands over my cheeks to cup my face. I worry he's going to crush my skull.

"Well?"

"I didn't know I was supposed to go anywhere" I tell him truthfully, caught in black fire and afraid I was to be set alight.

"You haven't spoken to Hayden?" He murmurs.

"No." I answer barely audible.

He hums satisfied and presses his lips to my forehead, their cold. The weight occupying my chest vanishes. I reach up and gently hold his forearms.

"She told me differently, so I came to hear for myself."

"What did she say?"

He lets go of my face and wraps his arms around me, pulling me to his chest. This feels strange…unnerving.

"She told me" he says , deliberately punctuating his words, "that you refused to come down to see me and it seems she's also lied about taking care of that orderly." My heart stutters, "which leads me back to my first question…who's he?"

I shrug.

"What were you talking about?"

"He was telling me to get to bed. I was having a cigarette and a walk before bed…"

His chest rises and falls, "Well I'll have to take care of him"  
"What do you mean?" I say too quickly. He leans back to look down at me.

"Well we can't have him find your bed empty, can we?"

I search his face desperate to find some hint of what he really means but he remains expressionless and impossible to read. He reaches up with one finger and traces my lips. Before I can respond to that the soft clicking of the door next to mine reaches us.

"Get into bed" Tate orders pushing me aside. I dart to my bed and all but dive for it, kicking at my duvet and yanking it up to my chin. My door clicks open and I hold my breath, I hear the familiar scribble and then it clicks closed again. Peeking out from under my eyelashes I make out Tate's still shadow which would have been hid behind the door.

"If Hayden's out of bed, he'll find out." I whisper.

"Which compels me to ask her why she's been so stupid" the shadow answers, Tate steps out in to the moonlight and strolls into the centre of the room. He glances down at Caroline and I follow his gaze, I don't like him looking at her and I'm sure she wouldn't either. So I look away so I don't have to see.

"Should we wake her?"

"No, she's really tired. It's her first night back." I whisper against my pillow.

"All the more reason to, congratulate her, she's selling out."

I frown, she hasn't sold out.

"You're not waking her up Tate."

His eyebrow rises at the firmness in my voice. I begin to crumble under his stare but then the corner of his lips twitch upward, "Fine. I get you to myself then."

"Stay here." He orders turning so fast and disappearing through the door faster than I can blink.

"Tate!" I hiss in panic.

_Blaine._

What if he hurts him? What if Blaine catches him? What if he finds out about what I've done? What he hates me.

I'm frozen and don't realise I've been holding my breath until my lungs threaten to explode. I start kicking off the covers when Tate slips through the door again; he's like a ghost, an illusion.

"Harder than I thought" He mutters and I take that as something to be relieved about.

"What were you going to do?"

He strolls over to my bed until he's standing over me, "I thought maybe Hayden didn't drug him like she's supposed to...but he hasn't drank his coffee and by now it's cold." I don't want him anywhere near Blaine.

Something brushes over my hair and I flinch under Tate's fingers.

"What?"

"How long has he been here?" he repeats.

"I don't know, a month."

He stares down at me and I feel like I'm staring into a black abyss, about to be swallowed up. The abyss descends down and his nose skims against my cheek.

"I always thought it was sick to have men on the women's ward." He says pressing a kiss just shy of my ear. I'm frozen and nearly shatter when the bed jerks as he hops over me onto it. I didn't realise I was hoping he was going to leave until now.

"We'll just have to hang out here." He sighs throwing his arm behind his head. When Caroline sighs and turns over I pull the duvet up over us and I lie down awkwardly into the crook of his other arm. He smells of fresh cotton. My eyes feel heavy and he begins tracing my hip.

"I've been thinking about you all day." He murmurs softly, taking me by surprise. I tilt my head to look up at him and his eyes have found base, they're liquid black like poster paint, "Ben even thought I seemed… optimistic."

"That's nice."

He leans up so he's bearing over me again, "You fell earlier. Are you okay?"

"Yes I'm fine." How did I have sex with him? I'm finding it hard to lie beside him never mind fuck him.

He stares and then he's moved half way down the bed, the covers aren't concealing him and he's lifting the crook of my knee. I glance nervously at Caroline who's dead to the world. I shake my head repulsed at the association of her and death. Tate kisses the scrapes and I feel an uncomfortable twinge in one spot, he doesn't kiss it again but works around it.

"Funny how delicate some of us are."

"It's just a scratch" I breathe and he crawls back up and leans up on one forearm. He fingers walk slowly up my knee, to my thigh, to my hip, over my tummy, in between my breasts to the hollow of my throat. His fingers slide up around my neck and he tilts my chin up.

"So what did you do little bird?" he asks intently, "to get put in the cage."

I know what he means, it's clear for once and I don't think I could lie to him even if I tried.

"I took too many pills… LSD and drank too much." I whisper finding it tricky to get the words off my tongue.

His face doesn't change, doesn't judge.

"Wanted to see wonderland before it all went dark?"

"It just stayed dark."

"I'm glad it didn't work." He sighs releasing his hand from around my neck and smoothing back my hair, "It is a gift you know, it allows to see the world as what it is."

"It feels pretend." I mumble sadly.

"So why would you want to kill yourself" he asks leaning down so his lips brush mine, "when you can be the little bit of truth in the world."

My head is swimming and my hearts beating a mile a minute. I feel him smirk and I lean up and press my lips to his. They're still cool…calming. His lips part slightly and I forget where I am, that Caroline's in the room, that Blaine's patrolling the ward as we make out on my bed. All too soon he's rolling off me and running a hand over his face, I miss his weight and the feel of him between my thighs, I felt safe.

"Why are we stopping?"

He smirks from under his arm, "I thought we weren't to wake Caroline."

I open my mouth to dumbly protest when the familiar clicking of doors sounds. Panic rises again and escalates when Tate doesn't react, just lies staring at the ceiling. I grab the duvet and try to fling it over us, it's caught around his legs and chuckles as I get more frazzled and finally just yank it over us. The door clicks open and I freeze my heart nearly bouncing out of my chest, frozen as I stare at Tate grinning at me and, someone who could be Blaine, ticks off a chart. A chart that says I'm behaving, that I'm good, that I'm doing the right thing.

That's a lie.

No one yanks away the covers or starts yelling, the only noise is the click of the door as it closes. Thank god Tate's lean and is also grinning which is infectious, and soon I'm giggling in relief. He hushes me with a kiss, soft and unlike Tate. Similar to how he'd told me he'd been thinking about me. I suddenly didn't want him to go.

And if sensing so...

"I have to leave soon." He murmurs against my lips. I pout and he kisses it away. Tate's kisses… Tate's kisses were slipping into your favourite leather jacket, familiar and it was getting really warm.

"You've only been here for an hour." We spend way more than that down in the basements.

"Two. And I have some things to take care of." He says taking a tendril of my hair and twisting it tightly around his finger. I'm about to tell him to cut it out when he unwinds it and throws the covers back. The coolness of the room assaults my feverish body.

"So did you enjoy yourself last night?" He asks and I'm more aware of Caroline than ever.

I nod and he smiles…a real one, like he's actually happy.

"What would make you think differently?" I whisper confused to why he was unsure of himself…I mean that didn't seem to be a common trait of his.

He smirks and looks up at me, "I was worried the drugs would have affected my dick."

_He, uh, what._

I throw my hand over my mouth to try and stifle my laughter, partly scared it would upset him but he seems amused too.

"Sorry" I mumble and he shrugs, casting a look at Caroline. This was getting a bit ridiculous and stressful, he'll have to leave soon.

"I'd rather have to laugh now than last night… I would have been very pissed off if I'd let that pass me by."

I blush from my hair line to my toes.

He fingers my pyjama bottoms, "I prefer the dresses."

"I wonder why."

"Easy access"

I shake my head at his bluntness and run a hand over my face.

"Your tired." He comments and I nod.

"I didn't get much sleep last night."

He grins.

"Sleep when you're dead."

I try to brush that off but it gets under my cold skin. He slides his hand heavily around my waist and we're kissing again. When I'm breathless he aims for my throat, his hot breath on my skin makes me shiver. He places a long, open mouthed kiss near the base before pulling away with a sigh. I'm frustrated. I'm stressed. I want him to leave but want to go with him and stay here.

"What time is it?"

"Nearly four" he answers looking down at his wristwatch. He shakes it and let the sleeve fall down.

_If Caroline tries to get me up at eight so help her._

He leaps off the bed and lands lightly on his feet; maybe he's not a ghost… just a ninja. He pulls the covers up over me and begins tucking me in. This is bizarre.

_It's possible it's not real…It's possible this is a dream and last night was a dream._

"I wish I could stay with you" he says kissing my forehead and I close my eyes, "Goodnight little bird."

When I open them he's gone.

_Its possible It's not real._

*  
All too soon I'm being shaken.

"What?" I groan burrowing deeper.

"They want to change the sheets grumpy" Caroline chirps, "so get up."

I huff and make no sign of movement.

"You have to get up now dear or we'll simply make you."

I throw off the sheets and glare at Vivian, her and her stupid hair. She doesn't seem fazed which pisses me off further. Caroline, fully dressed and hair perfect, hands me a throw blanket and I pull it round me. We're sitting down onto the sofa before I remember that I actually mind my appearance around a certain someone. I look around for him but he's not here.

"If he was on night shift, he'll be sleeping in their quarters or he'll be off today." Caroline says quietly not looking away from the TV, but she smiles.

It doesn't help my mood, at all.

Other girls are coming onto the ward as it wakes up, the girl who likes to crawl, crawls past and the one who never talks is lead by a nurse to the arm chair so she can stare blankly at whatever Caroline has on.

"C'mere" Caroline coaxes holding out her thin arm indicating for me to lie down. Her thigh wasn't going to be comfy but I didn't care, I was so tired. I lie down and she makes up for being a crap pillow by running her hands through my hair.

"I don't know why you get so tired." She says and I don't want to know why either.

When I resurface from my doze Caroline's still brushing my hair and she's watching 'Bewitched'. More girls are in the TV room now, Violet in the other armchair with the silent girl still in the other. Hayden's sitting at the table, her back to me and seems to be playing cards with two others.

"Feel better?" Caroline asks as I sit up and rub my eyes. I nod sheepishly and wrap my blanket tighter around me. I want a cigarette. I want to see Blaine but looking around he's still not here and I feel grumpy again.

"Go get dressed and we can go get breakfast" she says happily handing the remote over to the lady dressed like a four year old.

"Just saying that must be a mouthful for you." Hayden's voice comments.

I glare at the back of her dull, red head. I can't deal with her right now. Thankfully Caroline just rolls her eyes and unfolds herself from her seat, tugging me along. I glance at Violet and am confused then nervous to the look on her face. She's paler than usual and when her eyes meet mine she looks afraid…

Something's wrong.

Caroline has her therapy session when we get back and the rest of us have to go to the art room. It's a lot different in the daylight, a lot more innocent or something. There are easels set up around the room, I dart for the one farthest back. I glance at the fire exit door that leads down to the basement… to the midnight club. Tate had come into our ward again last night, this time undetected and he came in because Hayden told him I wasn't coming… why had she done that. Why didn't Violet wake me up?

Speak of the devil, Violet comes chooses the easels to the right of me and a little bit in front. I try to catch her eye but her heads bent and I lose patience staring at her chestnut curtain of hair.

"So what happens if I get discovered?" Hayden asks ambling into the room, mock enthusiasm clinging to her, "Do you take credit?"

"Please take your space" A nurse orders calmly from the front. Hayden rolls her eyes and flings her hair over her shoulder and I'm hit by shock. There's an angry red mark on her cheek bone, it's not big but it looks really sore.

"What happened to your face?" The nurse asks at once moving towards her.

"Fell out of bed." Hayden replies happily. Its complete bullshit and I look around for someone to share my scepticism with.

"You fell out of bed?" The nurse repeats.

"What? You've never done that? Are you just purrfect…" Hayden asks reaching out and flicking her name tag, "Nurse Julie?"

The nurse jumps back obviously intimidated, maybe she was new. The regulars on are ward don't pay Hayden much attention which is why she starts throwing furniture trying to get them to retaliate. Hayden smirks, evidently pleased with herself and turn on her heel and takes her place. Our art teacher or nurse or whatever she was blinks rapidly and moves back a few paces.

"So, today ladies I would like you to paint…"

"You don't say" Hayden muses loudly so a few girls giggle.

"I want you to paint the thing you want most; I want you to use the colours to reflect your feelings. So if you'd like some, I don't know, some flowers, paint them yellow because they'd bring happiness or warmth. Do you see?"

"I want to get laid." Hayden says and even I snigger at that. Nurse Julie blanks and then tells us to think about it for five minutes.

I dunk my brush into the water and look at the blank canvas.

Fifteen minutes later and everyone's doing something, even Violet. Hayden's flicking paint at another girl. People are drawing cats, ice-cream, hearts, books…

"Do you need any help?"

Nurse Julie is smiling at me.

"I don't what I want." I blurt out looking back at the blank canvas and beginning to panic.

"There's no right or wrong answer" she says gently, "It can be as big or as small as you like."

"This is an assessment isn't it?"

She purses her lips. "Try not to think of it as a test, which it isn't, it's a simple exercise."

"How do I paint wanting to know what I want?" I ask.

She gives me the 'I have nothing to say' smile, the one where you just don't have a response or have lost interest. She moves on to someone else. Everyone just gives up on me.

I suddenly know what to paint. I stab my palette, ruining the brush, and then swipe it across the paper. When I'm done I'm breathing heavily and have to wipe at my eyes and I have no idea why, I don't know.

"Can I leave? I'm done." I ask my voice loud and quaking.

Julie looks up from someone else's portrait with that blank look.

"Your done? Well, I, I suppose so" she rambles, "bring it up to the front for me and sign it."

I rip the page off, allowing it to flop over and be concealed from prying eyes. Julie briskly marches from the other side to meet me.

"Ah now let me see" she says unfolding it and laying it on the table. The uneven circle with nearly ineligible markings on the inside stares up at me and I look away. Violets leaning out from behind her canvas in curiosity, Hayden's chewing on her paint brush with her eyes trained on me…there ringed blacker than normal today and highlight the mark on her face.

"Its um, Its um, well" Julie dithers and I snatch the pen from her hand so she jumps.

"Aren't you going to hold it up?" Hayden calls. I ignore her and go back to my room.

Caroline isn't back yet and my blood courses with jealousy. I sit down on the bed and cling to the edge. Caroline knows what she wants, to get better, to eat more, and to have a family.

Simple.

Except it wasn't, except nothing was.

I throw myself back and bury my head into my pillow and scream.

"What is it, what's wrong?" Someone demands and I peer out to see Vivian kneeling by my head.

"Where's Rebekkah?" I whisper.

"Its Nurse Mikaelson day off."

"Where's Blaine?"

"Mr Andersons to, so you're just going to have to tell me what the matter is."

My eyes glaze over and everything's a blur, I refuse to blind and refocus.

"I'm fine." I breathe and close my eyes.

"No dear, you're not" she says softly and I feel her hand on my hair, "but you must believe you will be." I hear her get up and leave.

"I want to take off the top of my head, lift everything out. Iron out what's crumpled, throw away what's ruined and re-organise." I say quietly.

I wish someone was there to hear.

**

I'm still in bed when Caroline comes back, my back to the room. I pretend I'm asleep when she says my name. The bed shifts slightly and I feel her body press through the covers to my back, her cold hand covers mine."What happened?" she asks gently.

"I just… I'm angry at myself."

"Why?"

I don't know how to explain.

"Niamh, don't over think it, it's really that easy, just tell me."

My breathing shudders, "I don't know myself anymore, I don't know what I want or who I am or what I want to be. I don't think I can be anything. The exercise was to draw what we want most and I drew something that logically isn't possible to have but I believed it was, I had to remind myself it's unattainable. I'm so stupid."

"I think we're all here to find ourselves again" she replies softly, "And I don't think wanting anything is stupid, everyone wants what they want, it doesn't matter if we can get it or not."

She doesn't make me get up, or leave me or ask more questions. She doesn't get impatient or leave me. We lie there for a while as I become less lonely and more content. I think about the last person who was on my bed and sigh heavily. What was I doing…

"How was your session?" I murmur.

She hums, "It was okay, we talked about Saturday."

"Does it makes you nervous?"

"A little bit."

No, it wasn't simple at all.

"You promise?" Caroline demands pouting.

I roll my eyes, "Yes, I'll come down in a minute."

"You better." She mutters as I light up. She scrunches up her nose at it.

"Don't say a word." I say thickly as I exhale.

"Whatever" she sings, spinning on her heel and opening the door in the process, she nearly collides with Moria.

She apologies and Moria ignores her coming into the room, what now.

"This was left for you" she tells me handing over a little bag.

"From who?" I ask.

"Haven't the faintest idea, we've checked it over and have no reason to not pass it on." She says folding her hands on her stomach. Caroline looks excited and she bounces down beside me as she leaves.

"What is it!" she demands impatiently.

_Well it's not from my mom anyways, it's not extravagant enough to let everyone know how considerate she is._

I peel back the cellotaped opening and tip it out on the bed. A block shaped thing falls out on my bed with earphones toppling out after it.

"A walkman" I mutter picking it up, "there's a tape in it."

I press the little play button and hold the earphones in between us. Caroline leans in eagerly. The music begins to pulse through and Caroline begins bumping her shoulders from side to side. I smile in recognition and feel warmth spread through me.

_Oh yeah, I'll tell you something, I think you'll understand, When I say that something, I wanna hold your hand…_

Caroline giggles happily at the music

_And when I touch you I feel happy inside._

When the music stops Caroline presses pause on the walkman before the next song starts. I'm frozen, smiling down at it.

"Why are you red?" She asks laughing, knowing too well.

"Shut up" I mutter and briefly worry I've got it wrong.

"There's a note" she gasps, lifting the little bit of paper out of the bag. Before I can stop her she's reading it aloud, "'I hope this is a comfort, look after it, it's on loan.' smiley face."

She grins up at me her blue eyes shining in the know, "This is so romantic!"

"Caroline shut up." I hush.

"Oh c'mon! Don't play dumb, we both know who its from."

"It could be from my mom… or Jesse" I lie.

She frowns, "Who's Jesse?"

"A friend" I murmur tracing the walkman with my finger tips. The earphones are red and I remember the day in the washroom when Blaine fell wearing them."I wish a boy would buy me something nice." She mumbles and I look up to find her looking crestfallen.

"Oh come on, we both know you're going to have mankind chasing you when you get out of here." I say nudging her shoulder, "There will be tears and wars over taking the place as your husband."

She snorts and shakes her head.

"Are you two coming?" A girl who I don't know the name of asks from the doorway, "Its just some of us want the sofa to!"

"Yes were coming!" Caroline replies bouncing up and skipping to the door, "Dorothy's waiting!" she shouts over her shoulder me.

She had so much energy these days…

I grin back down at the walkman and hold it like its precious. I allow myself to believe the best possibility. I allow myself to believe it's from Blaine. I put it under my pillow for safe keeping, anxious to leave it and decide to actually get to the TV room before Caroline through a hissy fit but someone was in the doorway again.

"Must be nice having everyone's attention." Hayden guesses. Her voice is even, like the eye of the storm.

"What?" I say defensively and she nods toward my pillow.

"So who sent you that? Was it the visitor?" she wonders stepping in the room and I take a step back, "Did Tate pull some strings? Gets you whatever you want"

She's sneering at me and she's seems more unstable than I've ever seen her. Her eyes are bottomless and ringed thick black; her arms are limp by her side. She was like poised snake, still before striking.

"I don't know what you mean Hayden."

I haven't even finished the sentence when she's screaming at me, "WHAT MAKES YOU SO GODDAMN SPECIAL!"

I'm knocked back onto my bed with her hands wrapped around my neck.

"Hayden!" I choke as she shakes me. Then she's nose to nose with me, her fingers pressing into my throat so it gets smaller and harder to breathe, my eyes water over as oxygen makes a wheezing noise travelling through my windpipe.

"People like you make me sick" she hisses. "You're a fucking victim that lives up to it!"

I can hear other people yelling and filing into the room but I need to get her off, I dig my nails desperately into her hands, "And you know what I hate about victims? More than _anything? _They get whatever they want when they don't deserve it!"

There's more shaking as people try to lift her and then we tumble off the bed. I push my knee into her stomach. She lets go and quickly they pull her away. I crawl backwards choking and spluttering until I'm under Caroline's vanity and my head hits the wall. I see scrabbling white clad trousers and Hayden's' legs kicking as she screams for them to get off her.

"YOU'RE ALL WEAK FUCKING PEOPLE! YOU'RE ALL WEAK AND PATHETIC!"

My cheeks pressed to the cold lino as my eyes water over and I curl up trying to get a grip. Hayden continues to scream and scream and I close my eyes wishing it would all stop.

"Niamh come out from under there, please."

I think it's Moira but I don't want Moria. I don't want her here.

"What happened?" Caroline demands, her sweet voice scared, "Niamh? Niamh!" She's closer and I peek through my eyelashes to see her on the floor, lying down mirroring me, "Stop saying that" she whispers.

"Saying what?" I stutter confused.

"She needs to come out from under there." A male voice says impatiently.

Caroline holds her hand out to me, "C'mon."

My hands shaking so much that Caroline has to extend her arm further. They make me sit down on the bed and sit up straight and hold my arms down as someone examines my throat.

"Are you okay dear?" Moira asks calmly after they're done poking.

I nod unable to speak. Caroline stands behind her looking worried.

"You don't have to worry about her now, your safe okay?"

I nod.

"Do you need anything dear?", I shake my head and she pats my knee, "Come up to the TV room when you feel calm."

As fucking if.

I manage to snort at that and wrap my arms around myself. Caroline sits down beside me and wraps her arm around me as Moira leaves.

I hear her say something Dr. Harmon and padding.

_What the fuck just happened._

"She shouldn't be on this ward." Caroline says bitterly.

"I don't know what happened" I say but as soon as it's out of my mouth I know it's a lie. It has something to do with Tate, it has something to do with me having Tate's attention.

"Let's go watch the movie." I say feeling a prickle run over my skin.

"What? Are you are sure? Don't you want to talk or calm…"

I'm on my feet, "No c'mon, we were looking forward to it."

"Niamh your shaking."

"I'm fine."

**

I can't sleep, my foots twitching like crazy. Caroline's snoring softly, it took her longer than usual to fall asleep, still worried. Walking back to our room earlier I asked her what she asked me to stop saying when I was under the vanity.

"You were saying 'Blaine' and 'Rebekkah' but mostly Blaine." She says quietly with a small smile.

I don't like the room being dark. I don't like it. I get up and open the door to the ward, it's quiet and as dark as my room, except for the lights falling out of the nurses station. I hear distinct but hushed laughter from whoever's on duty. I move quickly on my tip toes to Violets room and knock gently on her door before slipping inside. Her lamp clicks on as she look up at me in surprise.

"What are doing?" she mumbles.

"Why didn't yous come get me last night?" I ask.

She makes an annoyed noise and rubs her eyes, "Hayden told us not to."

"Why."

She shrugs, "I know better to ask Hayden things."

"Tate came to my room" I tell her quietly and hold out my carton to her. She raises her eyebrows before taking one and I sit on the edge of her bed.

"You've got bruises" she comments exhaling, "he won't like that."

I don't think anyone has much of an opinion on bruises so I don't know why she thinks that. Then again, Tate's not in the spectrum of normal…

"You haven't a clue." Violet muses.

"What?"

She sits up better and crosses her legs. She has a lot books stacked by her bed, I don't recognise any of them.

"When we were coming back up last night" she explains, "Tate popped out of the dark and asked Hayden the same thing, why had she lied to him. I didn't want to be there, the most volatile people in this place about to clash. So me and Damon left them to it…but I'm pretty sure I heard him hit her."

I blink, "What?"

"You need to expand your vocabulary" she says dully.

That red mark on her face…her lashing out. She really idolises Tate and for him to strike her… or be disappointed in her because of me, someone she remotely didn't like…

"I'm going to bed." I say making for the door.

"If I were you" Violet says quietly, "I'd tell the people in here what's going on, so they're both put as far away from you as possible."

"Why don't you?"

She stubs out her cig on a skull figurine, "It not me in the middle."

"Thanks Violet." I snap feeling like I was at the bottom of a deep hole and the top was pinprick above me.

I wanted to tell Rebekkah but that would mean actually confessing, it would mean wiping out any progress I'd made, or they'd thought I'd made. It would mean Caroline would find out what I was really like and then so would Blaine.

And I really couldn't think of anything worse than Blaine thinking of me as fucked up slut. It was bad enough knowing it myself.

I crawl into bed and take the pills I was stubborn enough to tongue. I wish I had a drink.

**

Caroline's bouncing on my bed. Although I've had more sleep than previous nights I still feel like shit.

"Get up sleepy head, there's a surprise for you!"

"It's always been a nightmare trying to get her out of bed." A gentle, feminine voice chirps.

I sit bolt up, nearly head butting my roomate. My mom's standing in the middle of our room in a lavender wrap dress. I must be dreaming. There are bags at her feet with designer logo's and a wicker basket.

"What the fuck" I breathe and she tuts.

"Language" she chastises and Caroline purses her lips embarrassed. Of course she's dressed already.

"Your moms brought a picnic." My friend says in her bright, cheery, 'I think the best of everyone' manner  
_  
_"Finally remember the date?" I mutter.

"I know perfectly well what date it is young lady. When you're dressed and feeling more civilised I'll explain why I'm late to the party."

I suppose that was meant to be smart.

"We get to have breakfast on the grass" Caroline says beaming and then assess my expression, "It's okay I'm joining right? Your mom asked…"

"Don't be silly darling, of course it is. Why don't you show me the lawn and we'll set up why Niamh makes herself presentable."  
_  
_"Okay" Caroline agrees sliding off my bed. My mom lifts the wicker basket and one of the other bags, setting it down in front of me.

"It'll hide the bruising" she murmurs softly and reaches out to cup my face in the way that makes me feel guilty.

I take my time in the washroom, Rebekkah's still not here, no sign of Blaine. The bruise on my arms almost faded so I don't try to hide it from the nurse on duty. I'm past actually caring about orderlys, they couldn't keep a psychotic bitch from trying to strangle me and I didn't want to give my mom something to comment on. I was also hoping Blaine would be one of the escorts into town tomorrow…

"You asked for this" one of the nurses says holding out a razor. I take it and roll my eyes as she pulls a chair over to sit outside my shower cubicle.

I sigh, fucking crazy people.

Later I find Caroline and my mom on near the oak tree on our old picnic blanket. At least she hasn't thrown it away. I smile as I flop down onto it.

"Ah there you are, beginning to think you'd gotten lost." My mom smiles lifting a bowl of fruit and dolloping a spoonful of yogurt onto it.

"It's really good" Caroline beams as my mom hands it to me.

"The scarf suits you." She says softly and I force my usual smile when I'm around her.

Her and Caroline fit together as the chit chat about designers and places and sushi and I feel a part of the furniture as I chew my breakfast.

"It's the same in Mexico, the beaches are like powder" I hear my mom say and I turn back to the conversation.

"When were you in Mexico?" I ask.

She smoothes down her skirt and lifts up her cup and saucer, "Emma thought it would nice to arrange a little trip for us girls, she knew what kind of pressure I'd been under and I really had no idea about it…"

"When mom" I snap.

She purses her lips.

I look down at my Dads picnic blanket, the one he bought when we he woke me up one morning and decided to take an adventure, "You were in Mexico, when I was stuck in here."

"I came straight from the airport." She defends.

"You were in Mexico when some crazy bitch tried to strangle me!"

"Language!" she snaps setting down her cup with a clatter, "I am your mother and you will not speak to me like that, not everything is about you! This situation doesn't just effect you, its been hard for me to!"

"Oh I'm sorry, did the 'girls' not give you as much sympathy as you expected?"

She pinches the bridge of her nose and bows her head, fucking drama queen.

Caroline's frozen with wide eyes, her cup in mid air, looking from me to her.

"I tried to do something nice for you." My mom says in a small voice, sitting up and covering her mouth. She shakes back her hair and blinks rapidly so she doesn't cry.

I fucking hate her. I hate her because I feel disgusting and worthless and it's always her, always her that does this to me.

I grit my teeth, "Sorry mom."

She waves my apology away.

A cold sensation runs down my spine and I look over my shoulder, Tate's standing at that window again.

_Would he ever hit me?_

I turn back quickly and reach for my mom's hand, she jumps like I've struck her.

"I'm sorry."

She shakes her head and finally smiles.

"So going out tomorrow should be fun." Caroline chirps up.

"Yes, I suppose you girls will want to shop." My mom adds and I shrug with that fake smile plastered on my face.

"I'm not sure we'll be allowed…" Caroline trails off.

"I'll leave a little something with Dr. Mikaelson, so you can both get something nice."

_Throwing money around._

Caroline looks taken back, "You don't have to, I mean..."

"My treat." My mom smiles and its evident she's won Caroline over. I itch to tell my mom she can't just throw money at things to get her way, we might not even be going near that part of town, and it especially annoyed me that she thought she had the kind of influence to dictate what we'll get to do tomorrow. Like she was such good buddies with Dr. Klaus but I swallow my annoyance.

Caroline excuses herself so she can go to the restroom, so it's only the two of us and the awkwardness is evident.

"Lovely day." She says and I nod.

"I always liked those shorts on you." She compliments and I thank her.

"Did you have a look in any of the other bags?"

I shake my head sheepishly but she doesn't look offended, I don't know how but it makes me feel worse.

"Well I brought you the most beautiful shawl from Cancun and shorts like those in orange."

"Thanks mom."

"I like Caroline."

"Me too."

"Poor thing."

"She's gotten better… she got taken off our ward for a while."

"You never told me that."

I shrug because I honestly don't remember what we've talked about in our phonecalls, I don't think I've talked much at all.

"How are you darling, really?"

I look play with a fray in the carpet and suddenly the sun is too hot.

"I want to get better mom." I say quietly.

"I know this partially my fault." She says quietly and when I look up she looks genuinely upset, she's not hiding behind a hat or her hand. It's unnerving, "We haven't been close, we never talked, after your father died…"

She needs to stop, "Its fine mom. Its fine."

She reaches out and this time I flinch but she caresses my cheek, "I almost lost you that day too and I nearly lost you again."

I cover her hand and gently take it away, holding it between us, "Just give me time…"

She nods, "I think I should be going now. I have to go speak to Dr. Mikaelson about keeping that wretched girl away from you."

I blink in surprise at the venom in her voice.

"Can I keep this here?" I ask holding the blanket as she packs the things away.

She looks down at it, "Of course."

"AW are you going?" Caroline cries appearing with Violet. Seeing them side by side is like comparing the sun and the night.

My mom says goodbye to Caroline who throws her arms around her, and then to Violet who doesn't speak and I walk her back to the ward. She gives me an awkward hug and then leaves.

I let out the breath I felt I'd been holding in the entire morning. I collect the walkman from my bed and go back to my friend. We spend the rest of the day swapping the walkman between us and sunbathing, Violet snorts when we offer it to her, It makes me want throw it at her head.

_There are literally hundreds and hundreds of rows of ice-cream. How they fit in here I don't know. Blaine's holding my hand and waiting patiently._

"I'm sorry" I moan

"It's okay, take your time."

"There's just so many…"

I hear him chuckle but when I look up, it not him. Weird. I look back to the choices when he brushes my hair but it's not him, he's holding my hand and holding his wallet with the other…

"What wrong?" he asks.

"Do you often talk in you sleep?" someone's cool breath fans my cheek and I blearily open my eyes.

I'm staring at Tate. I nearly fall of the bed and he grins. Caroline's sound asleep and I shove his chest roughly so the smirk on his face falls away. I remember he hit Hayden.

"I didn't mean to make you angry" he defends.

I shrink back down onto my mattress, "I know, sorry."

He climbs over me and silently holds out his hand, I take it and put on my tennis shoes. Violets waiting outside, she stares at our intertwined hands. I shrink further into Tate's side when we get to that corridor, I don't like it. He seems pleased though. There's only me and Violet from our ward tonight, Tate doesn't ask about Hayden and I wonder why. There are other girls down here, I don't want to know any of them, I want to be in bed. We end up on the same blanket, already occupied by the guy with bright blue eyes.

"Hello" he greets, his blue eyes clear cut like sapphires. Why were beautiful men fucking mental? I grin suddenly shy and Tate's arm tightens around my waist. It almost hurts.

"Damon this is Niamh, Niamh Damon." Tate introduces as Violet deals cards.

"I know." Damon says smirking, eyes never leaving me.

"Niamh's currently undiagnosed and Damon's a sex addict." Tate adds, trying to break whatever weird connection was flowing between us. I didn't know you could be addicted to sex? Well not in the terms of being committed… or did that loosely mean rapist.

"I like mysteries." He smirks at me, bluntly flirting. I glance up at Tate to see him glaring, Damon takes no notice.

Tate unwinds his arm and takes his hand, shifting closer to Violet.

"Where's Hayden?" Damon asks throwing down a card.

Nobody speaks. He looks up at us all in turn.

"She wasn't in her room" Tate says throwing down his card. I don't know what we're playing so just throw anything.

"She's in the padded cell in the next corridor" Violet divulges.

"What did she do? Finally aim the furniture at someone?"

Violet peers up at me through her curtain of hair, turning everyone's attention to me.

"She tried to strangle me."

"Jesus Christ." Damon exclaims scrunching up is face. I liked he was so concerned.

A shiver passes down my spine and I turn to my right to see Tate staring at me, eyes black and boring holes into my skin. I wilt under that look and an image of him striking Hayden flashes in my head. I flinch when he lifts his hand, he pretends not to notice, and he tugs at my new scarf. His face is blank mask as his thumb brushes a tender spot, reflexively I want to cough.

"Why'd she do that?" Damon murmurs.

I shrug.

"Jealousy." Violet answers and I wish she'd shut up and learn to speak when it was necessary.

"This is my fault." Tate states.

I don't say anything.

"I doubt it, with Hayden it'll be something completely unfathomable. Like someone laughed at your joke."

"Niamhs not that funny." Violets murmurs, lips twitching, and Damon rolls his eyes. I don't think it's funny, "At least you have our trip tomorrow to cheer you up."

"What trip?" Tate demands instantly throwing down a card.

"Into town to get ice-cream." I answer throwing down a card and avoiding his eyes. They were magnetic though, lulling me to them.

"You girls and your special treatment." Damon says silkily and I smile at him.

"You didn't tell me that." Tate murmurs.

"Only get a birthday once a year." Violet interjects again.

"Its your birthday?" Damon questions with a small smile, he was really quite alluring.

"Was. Two days ago."

"You didn't tell me that either." Tate repeat, his voice flatter. He was annoyed; I give him a apologetic look. I feel like I'm about to have my head held under water.

I jump as Damon lifts my hand and kisses my knuckles, "Happy Birthday."

"Hayden's not the only person capable of strangling someone" Tate says smoothly. Panic seizes up in my chest as he glares at Damon.

Damon laughs him off and I wonder if he's plain stupid or knows something we don't.

"So who's escorting this little trip?" Tate asks flatly.

"Uh, Rebekkah, Vivian, I'm not sure who else" I answer quietly, I didn't want him angry.

"Blaine and Mike." Violet adds and my heart flips for numerous reasons, "I saw the rota."

"I see." Tate murmurs. It's silent for a moment before he throws down his cards and stands up in a fluid movement. Before I can ask him where he's going he's striding to the other side of the room towards other guys.

"Between me and you Vi," Damon declares, "Cuz no offence Niamh but you can't play."

I shrug not objecting and glance over at Tate, he seems to be demanding something off someone.

"Now he's jealous." Damon quips glancing up from the game.

"There's nothing to be jealous of." Nothing he knows about anyway.

"What's Tates is Tates. No one else gets a share." He smirks and I feel something flutter in my stomach. There was an underlining hint of rising to a challenge in his voice.

Violet curses as he beats her. She disappears to bum a smoke off someone.

"I hope you know what you're getting into." He says considerately, "Or rather, have gotten into."

"No, not really. I think I skipped the terms in conditions…"

"Then get out before shit gets too deep." That sounded simple, the second time someone had advised that in 24hrs…so why didn't it sink in, "Not everyones simple to read." He says and slyly pulls out a metal case holding his cigarettes. Seems Violet didn't only irritate me.

"Like you, you mean?" I retort taking one.

"I love sex, I love to fuck and I don't think that'll ever change." He says simply, "What's easier than that?"

"Um, the means you'll go to do that?" I reply quietly.

He snorts, "I'm not a rapist, just very religious parents."

"Oh." I smile relived. I look over my shoulder for Tate but he's not around. What the fuck?

"He tends to do that…disappear." Damon murmurs.

I didn't even want to be down here and now he'd fucking left me, Bastard. It seems Violet had taken advantage of not having a host either; it seems she'd left to.

"I'm going back to the ward." I decide standing up, "Thanks for bumming me one."

He stands up, "No big deal, and I'll walk you…if you want?"

I nod gratefully; the passage was still fucking scary. The connection between us fizzles, letting us know there's something there that could be ignited. Maybe I was just frustrated and what's more convenient than walking beside a sex addict?

We've just reached the mouth of the passage when…

"Where are you going?" It's not loud but its menacing all the same. We both turn to see Tate standing behind us.

"I was walking the lady back to her room, seeing her date vanished." Damon says simply, he was the only person I'd seen be blunt with Tate. I certainly couldn't.

"This isn't funny." He says through his teeth, I can feel the irritation burning off him.

"Whatever man." Damon shrugs, "Night Niamh, see you some other time…" I hope I'm the only person that hears the hint in his voice, and if I am its endangered by him leaning in and placing a soft kiss on my cheek. I like him. He was easy to understand.

Damon walks past Tate's glare with a smirk and then I'm alone with him in the passage I don't like.

"What are you doing?" he demands.

"Going to bed" I say bravely, "I don't want to be sleep deprived when I go out tomorrow."

He stares at me, "I don't want you to go."

"What?"

"You heard me."

_Are you kidding me?_

"Too bad." I snap, turning on my heel.

He grabs my upper arm and fear explodes through my chest, "Let go Tate!" I demand in a panic. My backs put against the wall as I struggle against his grip and he refuses to let go.

"What's the matter with you?" he asks sounding worried, "Why are you fighting me?"

I stop and let my head fall back, "Why did you hit Hayden?"

He face blanks and his grip lessens.

"Why did you hit her?"

"Because she deserved it."

The little shred of disbelief burns out.

I try to dart past him but he doesn't allow it, "Calm down. Please. Calm down."

"Or what? You're going to hit me to?" I blurt out and he stills again.

"I would never hurt you" he says sounding wounded, "I would never..." he takes my face in his hands, "You have to believe me."

I don't say anything.

"I want to go Tate." I plead. He hesitates before stepping back and dropping his hand to his side, his black eyes look like a sheet of black water, ready to reflect moonlight but instead they reflect anguish.

"If that's what you want…" he says quietly.

I shuffle a little bit down the wall, thinking he's going to reach me for me again but he doesn't and so I break out into a run. I'm half way there when I hear him let out an tormented cry from behind me, it makes me scream and I run faster.

I try to steady myself in the art room but I can't get my fear under control, the adrenalines dissolving and leaving behind the blunt fear. I dart into our room and tug on Caroline's covers. She stirs as I climb in beside her.

"Niamh?" she asks confused, voice thick with sleep.

I don't respond.

"Are you okay? What happened."

When nothing but silence answers her she sighs heavily.

"What are you keeping from me."

***

OKAY, RIGHT, I KNOW THIS IS LONG, BELIEVE ME I KNOW. It is 05:37 and I am ready to fall into a grave and sleep forever. No proof reading. No copyright intended. Own no character apart from Niamh and Damons little cameo was on request.

Im sorry if this chapter dragged on but it all felt necessary…and then again not.. its wasn't supposed to go like that, curve balled.. And I was under a bit of pressure.

Review, read, be revolted whatever. GOODNIGHT xox


	8. Chapter 8

Caroline lets out another annoyed sigh through her nose. It was starting to bother me.

"I don't know why you're lying to me." She says shaking her blonde curls.

"I'm not lying, Caroline." I drone flicking the ash. Caroline purses her lips and gives me an annoyed look.

"There's no ashtray." I defend.

"So don't smoke." She retorts in full priss mode. I roll my eyes. We're all waiting in the TV room, all seven of us, for the orderlies and whatever to get their shit together. Caroline's switching from being a bouncy ball to being fully sceptical about by 'nightmare' excuse, I don't know why, it fully creditable.

"You've been acting strange lately." Caroline comments over her denim clad shoulder. I really liked her jacket, with it's subtly tiger print markings in lighter blue. I wish I hadn't told her so.

"You've been back three days Caroline. You can't really call me on strange behaviour. For all you know I am _that_strange."

"Whatever." She brushes off. It's hard to take her seriously especially when she's clearly too excited about going out, "So do you think they'll let us shop?"

I shrug, "Maybe."

"I hope so." She grins throwing her hair over her shoulder.

"Good morning Ladies." Rebekkah greets brightly, coming out of the nurses' station. She's got on a bright red jacket over her standard white dress, "It's a bit cloudy and humid, so let's all bring jackets just encase. Oh that's nice Caroline."

Caroline beams and springs up as we all shuffle forward, "It's too bad it's a bit cold today." I honestly have no regard for the weather as Vivian marks of the role and then they lead us through the station and through the facility. Caroline chats excitedly and I want to share it with her but…

Rebekkah holds a door open and we file into that reception area from my first day. Frump waves at us, weird, seeing her again…like she was something I imagined once. One of the ladies attached to a nurse's arm begins squealing excitedly at her and she's hushed.

"Sorry I'm late!"

I turn instantly. Blaine's strolling towards us and I smile. He's in his uniform to, but he's wearing a burgundy Harrington's jacket with his Raybans tucked into the zipper. He's got his hair slicked back today, the pity.

"Hi Blaine!" Caroline shouts, breaking away from the group, honestly she was going to explode and we hadn't left yet. He smiles at her and I'm a little resentful, he hasn't even seen me yet. I fiddle with the pleats in my skirt.

"Hi yourself Sunshine. Sorry Rebekkah, traffic was a nightmare."

"We got your message" she reassures and he nods, "Right ladies the bus is outside, best behaviour please."

I'm shoved forward so I just miss hitting Caroline's shoulder. Blaine looks amused at my sudden appearance.

"Eager to get out?"

"Yes" Caroline squeals and I swallow suddenly nervous. There's a tumbling sensation in my stomach.

"Then let me be you personal escort" he says proffering his arm gallantly and smirking. Caroline takes on arms beaming and I feel my cheeks heat up as I lose the will to form words and take the other. Cautiously I let my fingers curls around his bicep which sends tingles down my spine. It's like the fabric of his jacket helps compliment them.

_What is wrong with me?_

I'm afraid to hold onto him tightly because then I'd never let go but he folds his arms inward and my hands pressed between his bicep and chest.

_Oh my God._

"Follow Blaine out to the Bus." Rebekkah instructs waving girls along so her Vivian can flank us. Jesus they were taking this seriously. When we step out on the paved stone pathway a wind blows around us, taking me by surprise and I lean into Blaine's side instinctively. His bicep flexes, squeezing my hand. It's strange, I feel oddly proud as he leads us towards a small bus. I end up in a window seat beside Caroline with Blaine behind us. I lean my head against the glass as it begins to move. Soon things I recognise come into view, streets, shops, mail boxes… I feel detached, not welcomed.

_"It's a filthy goddamn world."_

I start from my thoughts as Caroline giggles. The glass feels nice against my forehead as a throb pulses threw it.

"Are you okay?"

Turning around I come eye to eye with Blaine, he's resting his chin on his arms which are folded across the back of my seat.

"Headache." I murmur as Caroline turns to us. Nosey. I cast her an irritated look but she doesn't notice.

"What's wrong with you?" Blaine asks her, seemingly forgetting there is something wrong with me.

"We're not allowed to go shopping" She huffs.

"Oh well."

"I thought you were allowed a look around." Blaine replies doubtfully.

"Yeah! But not clothes shopping, the only shopping that matters!"

Blaine lets out a laugh and then purses his lovely lips when Caroline narrows her eyes.

"You have to be considerate of everyone else." Rebekkah says loudly from her seat. The squealer is hugging her.

"Everyone else might want to shop!"

"Nobody else might have the money." Rebekkah adds in a lower tone and Caroline huffs. I guess my mom had left something then.

"I'm sure there are other shops" Blaine says and Caroline closes her eyes like in pain, "What about a new record?"

"Can I at least look at make-up?" she whines and I smirk as Blaine's suggestion falls flat.

"We'll see Caroline." Rebekkah sighs, she sounds like a mom talking to a four year old. Never the less Caroline seems pleased.

"And maybe I could get another tape for the walkman" I suggest looking out the window. We pass a building that blocks out the sun so my face reflects in the window, Blaine's staring at me and Caroline's grinning at her lap.

"Your mother got you walkman for you birthday?" Rebekkah asks brightly. I didn't expect her to hear.

"Uh no, she brought a picnic and stuff."

"Left anonymously after her mom left" Vivian chips in from a few rows in front. Oh Christ.

Blaine rests his forehead on his arm concealing his face.

"I see." Rebekkah trails off.

"Maybe it's from a secret admirer." Vivian says raising her eyebrows and I imagine the bus crashing.  
How the fucks that creditable, Rebekkah's frowning at her so I guess she agrees, "Sorry" Vivian says holding up her hand, "I'm a hopeless romantic."

Hopeless being a keyword.

"Maybe it's from your friend, what was his name, James?" Rebekkah says as the girl unwinds her arms from around her.

"Jesse."

"Yes."

"Maybe."

"I'm with Vivian, secret admirer" Caroline sings sweetly, giving me a sly glance.

Violet and a nurse 'Ooooohs' and then there's a collective giggle. I turn my head back to the window as my cheeks flame red.

Blaine must be mortified… he might even regret it, he probably does.

I put on my sunglasses, the day seems too bright again. I want the bus to turn back around, I want to go back to that sordid fucking place and ruin their day but I think we're nearly there. I recognise more stores…that mall…that bar… that ice-cream parlour.

A hot prickle runs down my spine and I sit up straighter when we pass the street of my school.

"Oh no." I murmur coming back into the real world. The bus turns into a public parking lot.

"Blaine please, please, pleaseeee" Caroline whines.

Urgh what now.

I turn back them to find them both smiling at each other.

Caroline's eyes widen, "What's wrong?"

I've shaken my head and have a smile by the time Blaine looks, "Nothing."

They both stare at me and the bus jolts slightly as we turn into a parking lot.

"Stopping here then." I mutter putting on my jacket.

"Oooh there's a record shop just across the street!"

Shut up Caroline.

"Awesome! I've never really been around the city much."

Shut up Blaine.

We amble off the bus and I drift from their presence, but they follow me, they either pick up the pace or slow down with me. I like that but I also want them to leave me alone…but at the same time I know that would make me angry…angrier.

Rebekkah strides off holding two girls hands while the others trail along, leaving us three at the rear.

"Do you know this place Niamh? You live near here right?"

"I came here almost every day after school…" then I remember I haven't actually been in a few months and it was the time before that I spent warm afternoons here with Jesse and the reoccurring tag-alongs that I viewed as friends, the time I was slowly starting to realise that Jesse wasn't my Jesse anymore.

"Are you okay with this?" Blaine asks.

I don't know, "Sure."

He tilts his head up to the sun, "Must be a great place for you spend every day here… Ice-cream must be fantastic."

I never really came for the ice-cream, "It is, they let you make your own little concoctions. I always got teased for mine, but I swear it was the best."The others had crossed the road and where disappearing through the candy red doors, "I bet it would even change your mind."

"Change my mind about what?"

I feel a little bit smug, "Ice-cream, you said you didn't like it. That little flaw keeping you from being perfect."

He smiles up at the sky and my smugness expands, "I doubt it, even superman had his kryptonite."

"Way to flatter yourself." He pretends to be offended and checks on Caroline as we cross the road, I feel less irritated now, "What don't you like about it anyway? Lactose intolerant or?"

He places his hands on our elbows as we cross; looking out for sadistic Cadillac's coming our way, "Uh, it's too cold."

I burst into laughter as Caroline smiles at the ground.

"Couldn't you get past that? You know for the chocolate chips, or the butterscotch or the nuts, or the crushed honey comb through vanilla" he repeats my strange potion under furrowed eyebrows, "Or mint choc-chip, or big fat marshmallows, and all that creamyness and flavour and-"

And suddenly Caroline's on the ground. I look in through the glass to see our group all clustered at the counter and no one paying attention to what just happened, not that they'd see, Caroline was beneath the windows view. A man steers his wife cautiously around my friends little body as Blaine immediately drops to his knees beside her.

"Carolne?" He says clearly and calmly. She can't hear him over the strange noise she's making, I feel useless but stand over them somehow scrambling for something to do. Her breathings become harsh and she has her arms wrapped around herself, she tips to the side so she's slouches against the Candy red wall of the parlour and bring her knees tight to her chest. She becomes a trembling little ball wrapped in her favourite sundress.

"Caroline, you are having a panic attack and I need you to listen to me very carefully." He says his voice calm and firm, "I need you to count to ten with me and repeat, okay? One, two, three…"

Her eyes are screwed shut and she doesn't count the first ten. He gets to five the next time when she mouths the number through her quaking lips, misses out the next five and is able to say the next set with him…sort of. I stoop down in front of her and start counting like Blaine is doing, slightly worried I was going to make it worse but he nods approval, eyes trained on my friend. He was in save the day mode, which meant his face had become set in seriousness and his eyes were luminous with his task. He's able to take one of her hands as her trembling eases and she holds his fingers so tight I think her bones with puncture her skin. It doesn't upset me, her holding his hand. I feel washed with guilt and shame.

Vivian comes out five minutes later to find out where we've gone, her face turns acute too, Blaine nods at her and continues counting, she nods and walks back inside. Caroline's voice gets stronger as she counts. She slumps against the wall and lets her legs stretch out.

"Eight, nine, ten, one, two three" She takes a deep breath and I take her other hand as she make it to ten with us. Blaine now tells her to breathe in and out with him, she watches him like he's a life raft. A group of girls pass us giggling and look over their shoulders, I flip them the finger.

"Better?"

"Yes." She says breathing in, and out, and in and out with one last long exhale, "I don't know what happened." When she opens her eyes I'm afraid she's going to cry.

"It's a big step." Blaine says.

She nods.

"We can go for a walk around the block or get back on the bus. No one's going to force you to anything you don't want to."

She stares past us, "I wanted to do this."

"You don't have to."

"I want to do this." She climbs to her feet, one hand on the wall for support.

"Don't push yourself Caroline, it won't help."

I want to tell her I'm sorry.

"Can we walk up and down this street for a sec? Just for a sec." and she's already moving away from us. We do three laps at her pace, up to the next block and back down again. Blaine reminds her about her breathing. When we reach the parlour for the fourth time she seems to have shaken off the end off her panic attack.

"I can do this." She says with conviction looking at the candy doors. They may as well be the gates of hell for her I imagine.

"Are you sure?" Blaine asks.

She nods and he reaches for the golden handle and holds the door open for us. She hesitates and I wonder if should walk on ahead as encouragement, but she takes my hand and strides in. The smell of warm vanilla wraps around us. I feel strange, nostalgic maybe, but I refuse to sink into bad feelings, I needed to be positive for Caroline, I owed her it.

"What can I get you ladies?" A guy in candy cane stripes asks. I forgot how ridiculous their uniforms are. Vicky set fire to hers when she quit.

Caroline looks blank, he eyes round as she looks at him and then to the vast rows of ice cream and toppings they had displayed behind the glass.

"Can I have a vanilla sundae with honey comb chunks through it? And chocolate sauce?"

Blaine's arm brushes against mine and I glance up to see him smirking.

"Sure." The guys replies and busises himself.

"It's good." I tell them both defensively.

"That's weird." Caroline says.

"Whatever you say." Blaine says and orders a soda.

"A soda's cold." I point out.

He looks at me from the corner of his eye, "Not the same."

"That's weird." Caroline says still scanning the smooth, vibrant creams through the glass.

My sundae and Blaine's large Pepsi, with 'two lemon wedges' are set on the counter. Candy man looks at Caroline and we try not to.

The pause goes on.

"Don't force yourself." Blaine murmurs.

Caroline eyes flick up to candy man determinedly, "Can I have a small strawberry cone with white chocolate shavings?"

He nods like it's no big deal and Caroline's shoulders deflate.

"Sounds yummy."

Blaine makes a small noise in distaste and I nudge him with my elbow, he chuckles.

Caroline attentively licks her cone as we sit in the booth behind Rebekkah's. She murmurs a few things to her and she nods. Her small scoop begins to leak down the sides of her cone. Blaine starts talking about the record shop across the street and asks her about music and soon they're talking about bands and jazz singers and Caroline smiles as she eats her ice-cream.

Later she sets down her nibbled cone as I scrape my spoon against the glass.

"Realised its awful?" Blaine teases taking his straw between his lips.

I roll my eyes, "No actually, it's wonderful. I always order too much. I'd let you try it but you'd probably burst into flames."

"Oh the irony." He drawls.

"Can I try it?" she asks quietly.

"Sure!" I nearly knock it over pushing it towards her. Rebekkah peers over her shoulder, inspecting, watching.

Caroline takes a spoonful, a bit of gold glinting through the cream. She looks at it for a moment before putting it into her mouth. The spoon slides through her lips as she makes a humming noise in pleasure.

"Told ya!" I exclaim in triumph as her eyes glitter.

"Traitor." Blaine mutters into his drink.

"Don't sulk, it's not a good look for you."

"What is?"

"Curly hair."

He looks at me from under his lashes, head tilted over his drink. I feel my face get a bit warm and look at Caroline who has her lips pursed and her eyebrows raised in amusement. Thank God Rebekkah was busy calming down a girl who'd slammed her cone into forehead.

"I look like I have a perm." He finally says reclining.

"Sexy." Caroline giggles. I find it hard not to agree but then my minds wiped blank.

Jesse, Katherine, Sam and a few others are passing by the window. I automatically sink down on the plastic cushion of the booth as the door swings open and they all come in, their laughter burning my ears. Caroline gives a curious glance over her shoulder.

"Isn't that your friend?" Blaine asks quietly. I hum in agreement and look out the window, turning away from them as they slide into the booth near the front, Jesse and the other guy make their way up to the counter.

"What friend? What's his name? Which one?" Caroline demands.

"Tall one, curly hair." I mumble sinking lower.

"He's cute." Caroline decides.

"You think so?" Blaine says, and something in his voice makes me more uncomfortable.

"Yeah. Did you two date?" Shut up Caroline.

"No, not really, sort of." I'm barely audible and Caroline's looking at me as if I'm stupid.

"What do you mean not really? You either did or you didn't"

"No then."

"But you said sort of."

I'm nearly under the table when the one of the girl with no mouth to ratio coordination screeches from the next booth. Rebekkah hushes her as Katherine's group goes quiet…they mutter and erupt in hushed giggles.

Caroline looks back to us embarrassed, "There staring at us." She pushes my sundae back across the table, as far away from her as possible.

"People just don't know how to react to certain situations, they get nervous because of their ignorance." Blaine says.

"Or because they think we're freaks."

He sighs, "You are not freaks."

"Easy for you to say." She replies quietly. I think about how Katherine and her 'friends' didn't need to speak to people to make them feel completely inadequate, but when they did it was worse than you imagined. Caroline looks over her shoulder again and murmurs about how pretty the brunette is, I feel Blaine look at me, I know he's disproving… in some way. Caroline is trying to recline subtle for a better view but jumps as someone lands into the seat beside her.

"Hell Stranger." Jesse beams from opposite me, then his eyebrows furrow, "What are you doing?"  
I'm nearly nose level with the table.

Oh fuck Santa on Khrushchev's missiles.

I sit up straight, trying to keep my face concealed from their table, I probably look like I have a poker up my ass. Thankfully Jesse's friend has wandered over and blocks any means of them seeing me. I relax slightly.

"You know, hanging out." Jesse gives me that amused/sceptical smile that either makes me feel like I've said something hilarious or something rather stupid. Today it was the latter.

"Are you okay Niamh?" Rebekkah asks, poking her head between Jesse and Caroline.

"Fine."

Caroline is still braced and looking wide eyed at Jesse.

"Caroline, Blaine this is Jesse, Jesse you're not deaf so…"

Caroline gives me that look again and I even realise I sound a bit blunt. Jesse thankfully laughs, "Yes she has always been that rude." And he gives a little wave in greeting.

"Pleasure." Blaine smiles. Why was this so uncomfortable, "I saw you visit Niamh a couple days back."

Jesse hums in agreement, "Yeah, it was rather nice to be reunited, re_jointed_, you could say." He gives a sly wink.

"Or you wouldn't because you sound like an idiot."

He beams again thinking he's been clever, "Well it was nice seeing you, too bad it got cold and we couldn't get a _blanket, _I don't think the ol'suits would like you being that _blunt _with them."

Blaine is staring at Jesse like he might have to load him onto the bus with us.

"I'm sure they would have given you a blanket if you asked." Caroline says looking thoroughly confused. Jesse's friend tried to hide his laughter with a cough. His eyes dart to the next booth nervously, like all the crazies would burst out of it and chase him around the room. I was embarrassed.

"Anyways, besides the obvious what else is on the agenda? You got a free couple of hours?" Jesse asks clasping his hands. The parlour boy passes us with a tray filled with desserts and floats, the spare part looks over his shoulder wanting to follow him to his table.

"Er no, not really. It was just here and back again."

"That sucks." He replied looking genuinely disappointed. The spare part walks away as he's called by Katherine's group and I'm back to sitting like there's a poker where it shouldn't be.

"Still it was nice for your birthday." Blaine says crunching an ice-cube.

"It was your birthday?" Jesse repeats and then a mischievous smile sets on his face, "I liked your last one, that was a good party."

"What did you guys do?" Caroline asks trying to conceal her awkwardness. Jesse grins at me and opens his mouth.

"I had a pool party." I say quickly, deciding it was better to give them the summary than let them hear Jesse's sordid description. It had been a pool party…it just so happened we were naked. I glance at Blaine who's taking an interest to something out of the window, I suspected he was better at reading between the lines.

"What are you doing over here?" A familiar sweet and sneering voice asks, "Oh well, if it isn't Mary Poppins."

My jaw clenches, "Hi Katherine." Caroline shrinks smaller as Katherine half drapes herself across the back of her and Jesse's seat.

"Mary Poppins?" Jesse repeats.

She glances at him and nods at me, "Dancing on rooftops."

"Be nice." He mutters and she grins from under her lashes at me, "Its Niamhs birthday."

"Was" Blaine murmurs.

"And they allowed you out of the cage to come here, how sentimental."

Blaine's hand curls into a fist on the table, he puts it onto his lap.

"Don't pay any attention to her." Jesse says to Caroline who looks more alarmed he's drawing attention to her. Katherine looks her up and down but doesn't comment.

"No really, Happy Birthday." She tells me, "I hope it was a really good day."

I think if you crossed my mother and Katherine together you would have the solution to the anti-christ, or a mass serial killer at least.

Jesse stands up and edges out past her, I can know see we're the centre of subtle attention, except for Violet who's glowering at the back of Katherine's head, and just like she willed it, the craziest of us reaches out and tugs on one of Katherine thick locks.

"Ow!" she snaps as Rebekkah pulls the other girl back and Vivian apologies. Caroline bites her lip.

Jesse hasn't noticed and he's pulling me up, "C'mon, I'll buy you a birthday milkshake."

"I alre-"

"No arguments" and he shoves me towards the counter.

"I don't want anything honestly."

"What?" he says turning away from Katherine, who is saying things like 'lawyer' at Rebekkah, "Oh right, never mind that. What do ya say we make a break for it?"

I blink, "What?"

"Right now, we could just run out the front door. They'd hardly be able to chase you with them lot and my cars close by."

A girl appears behind the counter and Jesse orders me a strawberry milkshake special to go. I glance over his shoulder and Blaine's shifted around the booth so he's closer to Caroline, which coincidently

means he has a better view of us. Our eyes lock and I know I wouldn't be able to run, even if I wanted to.

"Jesse I can't run, they'd just bring me back."

"So we'll go up to L.A, to my brothers." He enthuses wrapping his arm around my shoulder.

"You said I needed to get better, well that's where I need to be, to get better."

"I know what I said" he licks his lips and hesitates as the asylum booth makes more noises, "But you don't belong with the likes of them, they're fucked up. So you've feeling lonely and sad, I can help, I can be better friend, I'll be whatever you need. I promise." I don't know what to say, I don't know how to tell him no. I never have. He throws down his hands to his sides, "Being surrounded by people like that won't make you better, I didn't know it was like this. When I was walking out some guy was hurling chairs and swearing at his mom, saying he would set fire to her bed next. That's not you."

"They'd track us down."

"Don't you want to leave?"

"I-" I turn away, his friends become suddenly interested in the décor, except Sam, who forces a tiny smile, "I do." I look up into Jesse's triumphant eyes and reckless face, "but not with you."

His face falls, like a sheet drifting to the ground.

"I'm fucked up." I say under my breath, "And I need to figure out why because literally, I can't face spending my life living with it, whatever it is. It hurts too much."

"Jesse we're leaving!" Katherine calls.

I get the nerve to look up and find myself drowning in the expression on his face, "You know why." He says quietly.

"One strawberry milkshake special!" The counter girl sings. Jesse clears his throat and throws down a bill.

"Is everything alright?" Blaine asks appearing in beside us.

"Fine, dude." Jesse answers, stuffing his wallet into his back pocket. He stoops and kisses my hair before striding off, takes Katherine's waiting hand and walks out.

"Miss, your, ah, change."

"Niamh." Blaine urges as I watch them all cross the street outside, laughing, arms thrown around each other. I take my change and lift the milk shake. Caroline's by our table with her jack on, Rebekkah seems to be instructing her. I can't see Jesse anymore.

"We're going to the record shop, if you want to come." Blaine says. I shrug and Violet jumps out of the booth joining our little party.

"Can you handle this?" Rebekkah asks Blaine flatly.

"Ofcourse."

"We'll be watching from here, so girls" she pauses, "best behaviour."

"Oh we will!" Caroline sings.

"Do you like strawberries?" I ask violet.

"Yes."

"Here." I hand the drink to her and follow Caroline out the door.

"Do you think we can have a record player? Bonnie has one in her room." Caroline says bouncing through the record shop door.

"You can always ask, they might have one in storage." Blaine replies holding the door open for me and Violet.

Its warm and dim inside, the sun spotlighting the parlour and keeping this side in the shade.

"Haven't you heard of air conditioning?" Caroline complains through the many stacks of records, "Or organisition…everything's just piled everywhere."

"You're such a princess." Violet snorts following her.

I head to the opposite side, the aisle that's the darkest. It stocks candles on the shelf just past my head, and underneath, books in rows to the floor. To my right the records are stocked up high too, their covers staring at me. I aimlessly start running my fingertips along their surface as I stroll slowly.

"Are you alright?"

"You keep asking me that." I murmur.

"And you never answer."

"Because I never know."

I pause on the cover art of a girl being dragged into a grave by two skeletons.

"Did he upset you?"

"Not intentionally."

"Didn't think they'd be in your taste" he says taking the record from me, "I'm sure we could find something good among all this."

"First store you go to in San Diego and its junk piled everywhere."

A man coughs from behind us, his beady eyes seem aggravated as he passes.

"Sorry." Blaine calls after him and Caroline sequels excitedly from somewhere else. He leans past me putting the record back, "Don't worry it's not my first store, the impressions not tainted."

"Heh" I laugh, "You work at a mental institute, it's a bit hard to think of anything else with disdain."

"You know I don't think like that." He sighs following my slow pace. My fingers pause again on the brightest cover, it's almost burning against the rest of them. A Carrabin beach with turquoise water, yet the moons purple in the sky.

"You'd think it was a portrait print, it's actually a photo."

"I don't believe you."

He takes in a deep breath and I'm afraid he's getting impatient with me, but he's smiling, "I'll take you someday, somewhere like that, I'll meet you there." He measures my expression, "What?"

"I don't think I'll get there Blaine." I murmur setting the tropic beach back down for someone else to appreciate.

"Why not?" Now he's impatient.

I shrug, "Even if I do, it won't be…it won't be the way I want to see it."

He cocks his head to side, "So we'll go when you're ready." Translation, better, or 'recovered'.

I turn walk into the next aisle when he's pulling me around to face him, "Do you know what Churchill said about hell? He said 'If you're going through hell, keep going.'" He looks at me his face beseeching, "Don't give up on yourself." His gaze has inhabited some kind of unbreakable metal or steel, "We'll go there, when your better and ready."

"Why do you think I'll get better?" I ask so perplexed it seems I'm sneering at him.

He smiles slightly, "I have to believe it." I have a million more questions but Caroline comes bouncing around the stand.

"Ohhh my god guys, did you think that was a record playing? I totally did but its not! There's some hot guy sitting down the back with his guitar! Can you believe it? And he takes requests, he's like a little duke box" and then she's gone again.

"I know, I know I'm hard to talk to, I'm sorry." I think he's the first person I've ever said it too.

"Everything good doesn't come easy." He utters. The warm air becomes stuffy and claustrophobic and is imploring me to lean into him. I shake my head and step away, it's not right, it feels right and that's why it's wrong.

"Have you played lately?" I gesture to the empty air that's emitting music.

"A lot more than usual. Find myself inspired."

"By what?"

He doesn't answer me but pick up another record to inspect. I knot my fingers together, "Thanks for the walkman." I keep my face hidden as we turn into the next row of records.

"Your welcome."

I smile picking up something by Joan Jett, but her covers steered away from my face by Blaine's hand on mine, I freeze looking up at him.

"What's that?"

I'm instantly puzzles, first I think he's annoyed with my choice but I follow his gaze to my sleeve. It pushed back a little and the faintest colouring under my skins shows.

"A bruise." I retort pulling away.

"Did you fall?"

"I don't know."

"You must know, did Hayden do it, when she, when she attacked you?"

"No, yes, yes she did."

"You're lying to me."

Why does that hurt? I lie to everyone. My hands ball into fists and I look up into his stern face, green eyes ablaze, "I really don't know…it's called…" What did Ben call it?

"A wrist banger." He murmurs. He pulls my jacket sleeve back gently.

"How do you know? So much about... or is that a stupid question."

"It's not stupid to question things." He says exhaling, "I'm training to be physiatrist."

"Does that make me your project?"

He looks up at sharply, "No." I look away embarrassed.

"Although I'm starting to doubt myself." He says running his fingers gently over my cloudy flesh, it doesn't hurt.

"Why?" Now I'm sharp and he looks surprised, "You could do anything you wanted to."

"My job at Michelson's will be my experience and recommendation to get into college, but I don't know if that's going to work out."

"Why?"

"Because… coming to work isn't just about helping people anymore." He says lowering my arm and sliding his hand down to mine, "It's about being near you."

I feel like the floors about to disappear underneath my feet.

"I know it's wrong." He sounds so sad. His thumb rubs the back of my hand before letting go, "And don't feel obligated to keep it to yourself." He looks into my eyes, sincerity pulsing through his voice, "I just have to be honest, that doesn't make you responsible."

I hear Violets voice and pull him into the next aisle, "I'm not going to say a word." He opens his mouth to protest like the moral fucking person he is and I silence him with my finger on his lips, I try to ignore them under my skin, "Because I may be mental, but I'm equally responsible. I know what I did the first day I met you was wrong…and I'm not going to mess up your life."

"It still doesn't make it right."

"I'm not a great judge on what's right and wrong."

Caroline yells gleefully somewhere near the back as someone starts plucking guitar strings to create an up-beat rhythm.

"_I want you to want me, I need you to need me."_

The rooms becoming compressed again, air hot and too heavy and yet there was an orb of pain in my chest, I imagined it to be my core. I have to look away from him, it was worse than Jesse.

"I didn't mean to upset you, please don't be upset." He says sounding unusually lost, he slides his arms around me, one hand holding my head to his chest, resting his chin on my hair.

"I'm not a good person." He needs to understand that, no matter how it makes me feel.

"I don't believe that. Whatever's going on, it doesn't define you." I try to protest but he cuts me off, "There are good people who do bad things, who get caught up and stuck. Just… pour everything out to Ben and Dr. Michelson. I know it'll be hard, I actually can't imagine just how much…but you need to."

I can hear the steady beat of his heart and the warmth coming through his jacket. I can smell the sunshine and citrus coming off his skin, feel how it covers his bones and how it outlines him, how it outline is wrapped around me. I've never felt so…at peace, in a moment, with someone but there's still the anxiety.

Always the anxiety.

"I'll have to change wards."

"What?" I pull back slightly.

He looks down at me, "I'll have to, it's not…right."

"Why?" Even though I knew, but I was really asking 'why leave me'.

Violet and Caroline are clapping from somewhere within the shop, and the guitar starts again.

"For so many reasons." He says looking over my head, his fingers sinking into my hair. Tingles descend down my spine.

"Stay. Stay and I promise I'll talk to Ben…properly."

He scrunches his eyes closed and drops his arms, I feel his hands balled at my sides. He opens his eyes, "That's what I mean, I'm already interfering, you can't get better for my sake, you have to do this for _you_"

"You're why I want to do this for myself." You're honest and straight forward and funny and wholesome and surprising and safe and mischievous and I want to be someone you want to be with.

He doesn't look convinced.  
_  
Why should he be_,_ you have Tate…isn't that enough, isn't there enough wrong you've done._

"Do what you need to do Blaine."  
_  
Because you do this, you fuck up and you're weak, and alone and not worth staying put for. He doesn't know you, what you've done._

"Niamh."

_And it will always be like this, no one will fix you or make it better. Lost cause._

"I'm fine." I smile and step out of his arms and go look for my friends.

"Your quiet." Caroline says, she nudges my shoulder as the bus jolts.

"Tired. It was a good day." I say looking out the window at the rewinding scenery.

Her plastic bag crackles as she leans her head into my shoulder, "Was it sad seeing your friends and that guy."

"A little bit."

Blaine's behind us, he hasn't said a word since I left him in that dark corner.

"That girl was a bitch."

"Yeah, she is."

"Her hairs as dry as bone though so what goes around."

I snort at that. It's quiet for a while and then we're on that long stretch of road that only leads to the one place.

"I'm not letting it go you know, I know you've been up to something." I hope Blaine can't hear her, or he'll be transferred by the morning, "I'll be keeping my eyes on you." She pokes my side.

From the seat in front, her back against the window and her knees pulled up, Violet watches me.

"I don't think I'll be up to anything from now on."

Caroline hums and Violet smirks.

"I know someone who'll disagree." She says under her breath and I close my eyes.

Tick tock goes the Psycho's clock.

"How are you feeling today? Nice day out?" Ben asks. I wonder if he really fucks Hayden.  
_  
Who's the judge and who's the thief._

"It was nice."

"Be honest, please."

"It was nice they did it for me, for us."

"You didn't have fun?"

"I seen people I used to know."

"Used to? Were they not pleasant?"

"I don't think there's any point trying to hang on to them. One was."

"You feel they're going to forget you?"

"Of course they are, I'm the one who lost her fucking mind and ended up here. Besides, they're not friends. Except one."

"Who's this 'one'?"

"He asked me to run away with him, in the parlour." He waits, "I didn't obviously, didn't try to."

Scribble, scribble.

"Why didn't you? If you're afraid they'll forget you."

"What would be the point? I'd get brought back here." He waits, I take a drag, "They'd forget me even if I was with them anyway."

"You're afraid of being forgotten?"

"I'm not afraid." I flick the ash, "It's inevitable, abandonment."

Scribble, scribble.  
"What makes you think so, you a have nuclear family, friends, surely?"

"I have a mother."

"And Caroline."

"She had a panic attack today."

"Oh, I trust she's okay?"

"Yes, that's the great thing about Caroline, she's determined." I stub out my cigarette and itch for another, "That's why you won't forget her because she's like sunshine. Sunshine always comes, even through rain clouds." He waits, he scribbles, I light a cigarette, "Caroline will get out of here and she'll have a great life."

"You sound wistful."

"I miss her."

"She hasn't gone yet, there's no telling when that will be. You might very well recover first."

"I doubt it."

"Why not? Are you not determined to?"

"I don't know what's wrong with me, I can't decipher my own head and you won't fucking tell me."

"Getting better is about doing what you already are, talking, exploring."

"I have a headache."

"Sleeping well?"

"Sort of."

He asks about the wrist banger, it didn't escape a nurse's eye apparently.

"Talk to me" he urges gently.

"I did something wrong and…I couldn't take it."

"So you punished yourself?"

Huh, never realised that. The bad need punished, "Yes."

"Why, what did you do wrong?"

"I can't tell you but I'm not going to do it again."

"Why can't you tell me?"

I look down at my hands and away to objects around the room, I hate my hands, I hate it all.

"Because it's done. It can't be undone, it can only cause more problems and bad than it already has."

"Holding it in means the only one who can judge you is yourself, and that's the worst judge of all."  
_  
Who's the judge and who's the thief.  
_

A shadow darts from under his desk, I don't look for it.

"In the past, do you feel like you have had no one to talk to, no one to confide in?"

"I used to, he's dead now."

"I'm sorry."

Scribble. Scribble.

"Let's talk about your mother" I feel suddenly like the wrong piece of the puzzle, I don't fit in this room, I must go back to my box, "You aren't close?"

"I didn't know how to talk to her. I think we sabotaged each other everytime. Mostly me, she didn't understand."

"Didn't? Why past tense, do you now know?"

"What?" How did he pick that out, did I even say that?

"You said 'didn't', like you no longer speak. Do you feel she's like the friends you met today?"  
The orb throbs and pulses to my finger tips.

"That she'll forget me?"

He nods.

"She probably should, fresh start." My sinuses tingle and my eyes sting, "I don't know why she hangs on." But I'm terrified she'll let go and she will.

"She loves you Niamh."

"How could I have lived with someone for so long and know absolutely nothing about them." I ask

"Maybe you didn't want to know? If you've subconsciously detached yourself from those around you and that way, you feel they don't know you either."

"I just find when I have a lot to say I never know how to say it, so I don't and it becomes regret and that seems to rot inside me." I explain.

He scribbles for a long time.

"Have you ever considered that maybe you, you're the one doing the abandoning?"

What.

No, because that would make a worse person than previously thought.

"You're afraid of attachment encase it leads to abandonment."

I think about the days my mom would try and take me to dinners, lunches, tennis games, movies, theatre…and I would ignore her.

Scribble, scribble.

"I love my mom, I just don't like her. I find a lot of people share the same belief, we love who we love, we just don't have to like them."

"You sound to be convincing yourself, surely if you don't know her you can't dislike her. And if you don't know her, at all, you cannot love her. What do you think?"

"I think I need saved from myself."

"And now you understand why you're here."

SO WHOS BORED YET?

Thanks for hanging around anyways, And Niamh, I'm sorry for the Blain angst but you know what he says, nothing good comes easy ;D


	9. Chapter 9

_Let me take you down, 'cos I'm going to Strawberry Fields.__  
__Nothing is real and nothing to get hungabout.__  
__Strawberry Fields forever._

Thinking about life and death, well, not one particularly appealed to me. Although I knew people wanted me to live, I mean, that's what humans are designed for but I think there's something unhuman about forcing life upon people. Maybe some people aren't manufactured right, and we know ourselves we have to be recalled, that's why we choose to die.

I wanted to live, I just didn't want to live like this. So by late October I couldn't decide whether I felt hopeless or depressed, or if either could be distinguished… or I was just suffering from the impressionable Halloween decorations. When I told Ben this morning he told me it's because I have hope I'm recognising the reality of things, and how I have to make them better.

_Always, no sometimes, think it's me, but you know I know when it's a dream.__  
__I think I know I mean a 'Yes' but it's all wrong, that is I think I disagree._

So this is how I was stuck.

1. I hadn't a clue what was wrong with me. Although Ben said self analysing wasn't helpful and unnecessary.  
2. It was frustrating and I couldn't hold the train of thought for very long.  
3. Caroline was having a shaky time, because of that panic attack (that I half caused), so her eating patterns were all over the place, it made her upset. I didn't know how to cheer her up when I was so self-absorbed... I'm not sure I cared enough.  
4. I didn't know where to begin with my mom, it all seemed too tainted. So I didn't do anything and it's not like she'd called so.  
4. Blaine.

I tear out the grass beneath my hands, the earth still warm even though it was fall…I wondered what orange leaves and colder weather would be like. If it would make me feel worse, or seeing nature change would help me with this… 'hope'. It certainly didn't feel like hope.

And who's bright idea was it to celebrate Halloween, sick fucks.

I tear the grass out again so the skin of the earth comes with it, splattering on to my thighs. I brush the dirt off and light up, the nicotine rushing to my head.  
_  
__Nothing is real and nothing to get hungabout.__  
__Strawberry Fields forever._

I brush the tip of my fingers over the ear pieces, Blaine was my favourite thing to think about but it always made my chest hurt. It was like getting excited for Christmas, the lights twinkling, the decorations catching their light as the smell of cinnamon and spiced apple surrounded you. Warm blankets, good movies, stories of how the most disciplined marines would act like teenage boys…but then you'd blink, and it's actually May.

The song end and I apply pressure to each ear piece until it hurts. I hit repeat and fall back onto the warm ground.

I'm blowing smoke up to join the clouds when a shadow falls over my face.

Tate has his head cocked to one side, studying me as I lie at his feet.

"I was in a daydream." I explain, my own voice sounds muffled and I slide the earphones off.

"Funny, you were in my mine and now you're here. Despite the odds." He replies quietly.

"What?"

He sits down beside me in one fluid movement. I sit up.

"You're not supposed to be out here." I look around and realice there are more people than before, mostly orderly's. Something's not right. The patients their escorting look twitchy, unstable… and I remember Vivian saying vaguely saying something about a bell.

"I was supposed to go in when they rang the bell." I utter, searching around for a familiar orderly or nurse, "I didn't hear it."

"Obviously." He smirks ad takes the cigarette from between my numb fingers and stub it into the grass, "Fate."

I don't know what to do or say.

"I don't like how we left things. I miss you." He stares at me and I try to smile.

"I've never seen you out here before." I blurt out. He stares. I look around at our assorted company, "Or any of these… people."

"Halloween spirit." He replied softly, "let the dead out to roam."

I frown, he smiles. A man shrieks between three orderlies and begins beating his own head.

"Time was cut because your ward was allowed out?"

He nods.

"What ward are on?" I breathe searching his pale face. His eyes seem more feverish under his blonde hair.

"Niamh." The voice is so sharp it makes me jump. Klaus stands on the steps staring at Tate before his gaze slides over to me, "What are you doing out here?"

I start to call back but Tate's voice drowns my own out, "Making friends."

Klaus, as he now asks me to call him, gives Tate a fleeting look.

"Come Niamh" he beckons.

Tate takes my forearm.

"It must be really tickle you to have so much power, must really make you hard."

"Tate let go of her now, please."

"Why? What's the worst that could happen?"

"We are not playing games" Klaus says flatly, "now remove your hand Tate."

Tate's jaw clenches and he lifts his hand from where it rested. I get to my feet and snatch up Blaine's Walkman. When I reach the doctor he rests his hand light on the middle of my back and guides me up the steps. It feels like a protective gesture but when I look back at Tate he has his back to us.

"So what are you doing out here?"

"I had this on and didn't hear Vivian." He nods and turns me to face him. We're a considerable distance from Tate now.

"What you have to understand is the instruction of this facility is to keep everyone safe", the seriousness in his eyes throws me further off balance, "when you are asked to do something you must comply, a small act can have bigger consequences. Understand?"

"We were just talking."

"Do you understand?"

I nod at the ground.

"Good" he replies and pats my shoulder. I peek over at Tate, he's staring at us. His face is a blank mask…I think he's angry.

"Ah, Mr Anderson!" Mr who?

I lift my head to find careful green eyes watching me.

"What are your duties today?" Klaus asks Blaine.

"Kitchen." He answers and then realises he should really look at whom he's speaking to.

"Lovely. Take Niamh with you."

"What?" we both say in unison.

Klaus raises his eyebrows, "Well you seem to prefer time outside your ward so a little productivity might do you some good."

"I'm not sure there will be enough to do." Blaine flounders.

"Oh be pragmatic. There's always plenty to do. Have fun." Klaus bows a little and smiles, folding his hands behind his back and sauntering away.

Me and Blaine exchange a glance and I feel I may collapse from anxiety.

"C'mon." he says softly, urging me to follow him. I'm such a nervous wreck I trip over my own my feet and although there's no danger of me actually hitting the ground, Blaine catches my elbow, "You okay?"

I nod, the anxiety uncurling in my stomach as I memorize his eyes. They could only be described as pretty, gold flecks nestled amongst moss. He smiles slightly and lets me go. A hot prickle runs up my spine and I look over my shoulder to find Tate glaring at us, on his feet and his whole body was rigid.

I scurry after Blaine; he asks me if I'm that excited about baking.

I'm not at all enthused about baking, even though it seems quite straight forward as Blaine shows me how to roll out the dough and what shapes to cut. I was just happy we were in the same room together after he seemingly had been avoiding each other but maybe here we'd build a bridge and get over… whatever it was.

Oh yeah, I was mad and he had deluded himself into thinking there was something special about me. I suppose I should take advantage before the penny drops.

"I wonder what's keeping the rest of them." He wonders, greasing up a tray. I look at the mound of dough we've to get through and see it as nothing more than the precious time we have together. If more people come they take away from that. It's not like we were completely alone anyway, there were other nurses and patients bustling about, whoever was supposed to be joining was taking their time.

We were doing a pretty good job of avoiding conversation until we caught each other's eye and it seemed unavoidable, either the silence gets painful or someone opens their mouth to say something…and of course he does.

"So…how's Caroline? I haven't had a chance to speak to her."

I don't scoff at his excuse, I'm not sure why, it would be naturally to assume he'd purposefully went out of his way to avoid us but this was Blaine…and he made me second guess.

"Um, some good days, some bad days. Mostly bad days but she's determined."

"She's strong willed."

I can't help but feel that blessing is a two sided coin, "Yeah she is."

"And what about you? How've you been?"

I stop cutting the pastry and look at him, "Confused." He looks back earnestly, pursing his lips. I know what he's thinking, "Not about you, not about our last conversation." It was the truth, it wasn't confusing, it was just depressing but he didn't look convinced, "I've been talking more, to Ben and Klaus. I'm realizing a few things, thinking more, about… how I feel, things I've done and haven't done."

"That's good." He murmurs.

"Thanks to you, you gave the push."

"You can't do this for me, you know that right? We're not involved." He pauses, letting that sink in under the weight of his serious gaze, "And we never will be."

I swallow, "I know and I'm not. But we're friends right?", He takes a deep breath and looks down, leaning forward on the counter like a great weight was on his shoulders, "I don't have many friends, not really, I never thought they were that important but that's different now. I need Caroline, I need you. You're someone that could really help me."

He looks up at me, his face reflecting an inner debate until his answer comes into focus…and his eyes soften. I've won. I can't help but smile down at my lump of dough, I glance up to find him smiling too. The silence is comfortable now.

'_We will never be' _Well, he had to say that didn't he. It didn't exactly match up with the record store or bring me breakfast…I suppose his sense of morality was stronger now we were questioning the situation in this place. But he also had a career planned, a future he wanted and I wouldn't screw that up, if I got better things could be different.

"What are smiling about?" Blaine suddenly asks. In my surprise I feel the ghost of a smile that had been etched on my face, "Your bat looks like a lightning bolt."

It did not.

He smirks from under his eye lashes, he's teasing me.

"It's supposed to be a lightning bolt" I retort.

"Whatever." he chuckles, scooping up his perfect pumpkin.

"That just looks like a blob."

"Now no one likes a sour puss, just because I happen to be a better baker."

"Does that make you the muffin man?"

He looks up at me wide eyed, "Did you follow me to Drury lane?"

"I needed to know if she was really married to the muffin man!"

"My wife's a harlot." He exclaims and I burst out into silly, carefree laughter and he joins in. A nurse looks on amused as she passes us with multiple trays ready for the oven. My giggles trail off as the flour particles swirl in the air…do I dare? I glance up at Blaine, who's smiling, sorting out another row of cookies…would he get mad at me? Staring at his face, relaxed and cheery, genuine… it doesn't change or falter like it would if he were humouring me.

To hell with it.

I pick up a great handful of flour and nudge the tray in front of me further forwards and with one last mischievous peek at him I throw the powder forcefully down. Of course it's gone everywhere. Blaine blinks slowly, shock etched all over his face and I can barely stand up straight, I'm laughing too much. He's just looking at me dumbly, his green eyes brighter against the white dust, a cloud of it swirling around us. Then he smirks. He lunges for the flour bag and I let out a screech and drop behind the counter. Feeling like a member of our great nations military I scurry, in a crouched position, to one end of the counter. It's a good thing it's not in my career plan because I run right into him.

"No!"

He catches me around the waist, "Say sorry."

I wouldn't just for the mere fact he was holding me but the slim chance I would shatters when I catch sight of his face and start laughing again. It gets worse when he tries to keep a straight face but starts laughing too, the powder trembling off him. With an exasperated groan he released me and empties his fist into the waste pile. I open my mouth to apologise when he spins and blows the remaining dust off his palm. I leap to the side waving my hands as he laughs and mutters revenge.

"Your evil" I moan.

"I didn't claim to be anything else" he says quirking his eyebrow. I grin, trying to remove grit from my eyes.

"Are you alright?"

"Yeah, fine."

"I'm sorry." He says coming to assist my botched attempt to stop a cookie mix forming in my eye. I drop my hand as he soothes my eyes with a damp cloth. I sigh dramatically.

"You brought it on yourself you know."

"What kind of an apology was that?"

He shrugs, smiling, "No, I really am sorry. I didn't mean to nearly blind you."

"Well, if you didn't look like a geisha in drag I'd believe you."

He huffs, "As a friend you're supposed to support my right to look however I want…and more so because this is down to you! Where's your apology?"

"In the mail."

"Oh really." He mutters, running the cloth over his face. I take it from him and scrub the parts he's missed on his jaw line and neck.

"Fine, I admit. Just because friends don't lie…or so I'm learning." His skins quite soft under my finger types, softer than most boys, and even though I've gotten as much of the flour off as I can, I let myself have some greedy strokes.

insert

"Ahem"

A stout nurse is standing with her clip board, waiting to have our undivided attention. She'd look like a sweet granny, with her pink ribbon in her hair, if it weren't for her expression.

"Hello flora." Blaine greets. Flora eyes the mess of our work station before looking back to him with a forced smile.

"Another one for you." Her voice is too high and sweet, it's nauseating. "Pearl should be along shortly to help…supervise." He nods, seemingly calm, but he consciously rubs his neck where I've missed some grit. I hope I haven't gotten him into trouble, "You, stop lurking behind there." She snaps her fingers at the stacked cookie rail, "Happy baking. Best to stop messing around so you can meet the quota." And with the falsest smile I've ever seen, and I've been on the receiving end of California's elite wives compliments, she leaves.

"I really hope I'm never on the receiving end of that."

"Of what?"

"That look on your face." The disdain was evident then.

"I highly doubt you could ever be."

"You can be very sweet…when you're not trying to blind me with flour and be snarky about it."

I wink at him and he laughs shaking his head. He lifts his tray to place it with the other cookies that are ready to bake when our new companion steps out from behind it.

"Well… this looks fun." Tate draws out in a flat tone. Blaine jerks slightly in surprise but then introduces himself.

He goes about playing his role, showing Tate what to do whilst he (Tate) looked at Blaine with malicious eyes set in a plasticized expression. It was unnerving to say the least. To say the most it was terrifying. I felt like Blaine was a young child talking to a suspicious man in the park.

The scratchy silence comes slithering into the room again and perches on Tate's shoulder.

"These are going to taste great, and if not, we'll pretend they're not our batch." Blaine tries to joke.

"And I thought we were in this place to learn honesty." Tate says deadpan. Blaine blinks and tension curls up in my chest. Then Tate half smiles like it was supposed to be a joke.

We're all quiet for a long time, me and Blaine rolling out dough, cutting them into shapes, loading them on to trays and Tate looking on with a blank face.

"I'll roll these around to the oven, behave." Blaine's voice had been timid until the last word, where he looked at us both sternly and put extra emphasis on it. He takes the cart loaded up with our half decent and half shit (mine) cut cookies and pushes it away. I nervously peek up at Tate and I just know he hasn't taken Blaine's word as warning but as challenge.

He looks down at me from the corner of his eye and half smiles. For some reason I make sure the cutter knife is still sitting where I left it on the counter top.

"He's that one that failed to pass my drug test isn't he?" Tate reminisces softly.

"Yeah." I answer reluctantly, remembering the night Tate paid a trip to my room, "How do you get about so freely?"

"Perks of being a ghost." He says, running his fingers through the discarded flour. He creates random patterns on the countertop. I wished Blaine would hurry, "Do you like it when he flirts with you?"

I'd been following the movement of his fingertips and now I was caught in a black smoulder, "What?"

"Is it just his attention you enjoy or is any mans? Like that _boy_ who came to see you." He scrubs out his patterns so the powder flies angrily off the surface.

"It's easy to get along with Blaine, that's all. Caroline can't be with me all the time and Jesse was my friend."

"The saint's name is Blaine?"

"Well I wouldn't put me on such a pedestal but my name is Blaine yes." The man himself veers around the counter carrying new trays.

"You find that people who favour white hide their sins under it."

"My favourite colour's purple." Blaine replies handing me a tray. I take it and place it over the knife.

"Purple's the colour of vanity."

"And royalty." I murmur. Tate shoots me a look.

"Are you done trying to antagonise me?" Blaine asks, no anger, no challenge.

"I was merely sharing some trivia."

"Can you share the flour?" Blaine asks and then they just stare at each other. I feel I should hand them both trays for shields and ring the bell. It feels like it's going to last forever, the testosterone power struggle and I know it's a lot more than that, especially for Tate. I pull the flour bag toward me and dump a great hand full onto Blaine's tray and on to my own. I push a tray towards Tate and after a seconds hesitation he takes it.

"We don't have much time left so let's get to it." Blaine orders, moulding a dough ball.

"Thanks little bird." Tate coos softly and then glances past me smirking. I didn't want to see the look on Blaine face so I concentrated on making as many pumpkin and halloweeny shapes as possible so I could get the hell out.

Back on the ward I felt the tension in my chest start to crumble off my shoulders with every breath I took, grateful to be out from under Tate's smirk. Blaine's escorted me back, silent.

"You have to sign back in." he reminds me when I steer towards my room.

"I will." He just stares at me, "I will. I just want to check on-"

Our door flies open and a very tense looking Caroline glares at me, "Where have you been?!" She runs her eyes over cardigan which are patched white.

"Baking"

"Baking" she mouths with a condescending nod.

"True. Calm down Caroline." Blaine says.

"Don't tell me what to do!" she snaps at him. Oh yes, the ups and downs of her treatment weren't limited to anyone.

"I'll sign you back in." he tells me. Caroline watches him as he goes and Hayden rolls out on her chair to block him. Great, she's got her spark back.

"Those white stains look incriminating Mr. Anderson." Hayden croons.

I shoulder past Caroline into our room and throw the walkman down onto my bed. Thinking I ought to change I ask her to close the door and pull my cardigan off. She slams the door and I supress the urge to pick a fight.

"I hope this is the first time you've stripped today."

I look over my shoulder and try to humour her, "Yes mom."

"Because I wouldn't put it past you."

"I know."

"I mean you and Blaine alone and God knows what you'd try-"

"Caroline" my voice is muffled through my vest as I pull it off.

"Because I know you still like him and I said I'd find out what you've been up to."

I throw my top at the floor, "Caroline!"

"And you paired off in that damn record store, do you want to get him fired hmm? Are you that selfish or maybe he's perverted."

"CAROLINE!"

Her nostrils flare as she finally halts in her tracks.

"We baked cookies. Cookies for the damned Halloween party, cookies. Okay?"

"Alone." She snaps folding her arms.

"There were other nurses and people baking, me and Blaine weren't left to feed the hundreds and if you must know we had an extra hand, Tate."

Her face goes blank and she blinks in surprise.

"And we didn't give him a show, didn't remove my panties and climb on the damn counter. Okay!?"

"Tate?" she mouths. I pull out the purple blouse my mom sent me in a care package when I first got here, "Why has he been given liberties? Especially after the fire…"

"Fire?"

"Why is made so easy for the likes of him?" she wails unexpectedly so I jump. And she's crying, with her arms dead at her side and her head hung. Just standing there and crying. I lead her to the bed and keep my arms around her, after a while she rest her head on my shoulder, "They moved my number up, it got got bigger." She sobs, "950…. have to meet 950… everyday." And she cries harder.

After a while she's able to talk with a little more ease, she put her tiny arms around my waist, "I told Ben about Elena and he just said 'I'm sorry'. 'I'm sorry' that all I got before he made me scrape out everything I felt about it." I know how she felt, raw, vulnerable, it was horrible…there was no control and people like us needed control because usually all we had. I pushes and pulled people, Caroline controlled her body, "Not sorry you'll not ever have kids, not sorry you mom used to cry and plead you to eat a damned apple, not sorry you hate yourself."

My eyes began to sting and my throat was getting smaller.

"Not sorry that you feel so ashamed and disgusting when you eat and actually like a bread roll, not sorry you want to scratch your own skin off." And she was lost in weeping and I just held on to her, crying to. A was vaguely aware a nurse had come in but we didn't pay her attention. I didn't care I was sitting with no pants on and she demanded our attention, I just held on to Caroline and she eventually left.

Later when her cries had turned into ragged little breaths and she had exhausted herself, I put her into her bed.

"Caroline?" I say softly and her big blue eyes stare up at me, "I am sorry."

"Thank you." She moans and one single tear slides down her cheek as she closes her eyes.

When I'm dressed I step out into the hall, not even my hair sitting perfectly in the ballet bun makes me feel a little bit of a glow. The nurse from earlier strides toward me and I tell her to fuck off and go sit with Violet.

Violet being in tune with everyone's feelings hands me a cigarette.

"Get your diagnonsense yet?" Hayden asks, her head tilted backwards off her chair.

"Nope."

"I got another." Violet utters, her lips barely moving. Hayden swings around in her chair, "I stay depressed because I see things realistically and it's not enough."

Hayden makes a dismissive noise, "Reality's not enough for anyone."

Blaine's drinking coffee in the nurses' station. Realistically I was a patient, he was a carer, it would never happen but in fantasy I was still a patient and he was still a carer but there was hope for romance and life after. I felt sorry for Violet.

Three cigarettes, three patients taunted by Hayden, one rebuke by Rebekkah, one hissy fit by the girl who likes to crawl, and from what I could tell three chapters of Violets book later, Caroline came out in time for our 'party'. They'd set up a snacks table, made up of three and covered by a cloth. Whilst I'd been baking Betty others had made spiders to hang from the roof and the like. It was like an elementary school party… I wish I had some vodka.

Violet attempts to smile, "I have some whiskey in my room."

Caroline dumps a cushion on the ground in front of us and rest her head on my thigh, "That could be fun." I exchange a look of disbelief with Violet, Caroline's moods really were everywhere. Just as Rebekkah drew attention to herself to speak one of the girls loses her shit and rips of the spider from the ceiling and screams about 'the end'.

"THE END IS NEIGH!" Hayden screams after her and Caroline snatches up a cushion and throws it rather forcefully at her face. I don't know who was more stunned, Me, Hayden, Rebekkah, God.

"Stop being such a class A bitch and shut up!"

"Not how I would have worded it but effective none the less" Rebekkah says and goes on to commemorate everyone and I drift off, until I realize everyone is staring at me and Hayden's slow clapping. The cookies are being passed around by Blaine and I want the sofa to eat me.

"They look a bit dry…" Hayden says swinging lazily from side to side.

"Like your hair." Caroline replies, snatching up a misshapen bat, "and they're not."

"One crumb too many" Hayden says through her teeth. Blaine had been passing behind her and opened his mouth to say something when…

"You know what Hayden, go fuck yourself."

And I laughed so loud I thought she (Hayden) might hit me again but instead she smirked and nodded at Caroline like she was proud of her or something. I didn't get it. People were crazy.

Before Rebekkah put on our Halloween movie, which was the Wizard of Oz, which I hated, the three of us took a cup of apple juice and went to Violet room where she seasoned it with Jack.

"What if they catch us?" Caroline breaths, looking at her cup like it may bite her.

"The apple juice hides the smell. She's not going to ask you to share is she?" Violet answers.

"Take your first sip in here, just encase you wince." I say. So she does and almost splutters everywhere.

"Because you're so tiny you can only have one cup" Violet says and Caroline pouts. I take a drink so I don't get brought into it, the whiskeys warm as it slides down my throat and creates a glow in my belly.

"How are we going to keep going back and forth without getting caught?" I ask. Violet stares at her wall expressionless before reaching under her mattress and unscrewing the bottle.

"Straight." She mutters before tilting the bottle up and swallowing the amber liquid.

She hands it to me coughing into her other hand. Caroline take it before I can and stares at it.

"If you get sick we'll all be fucked." Violet gasps. Caroline nods and takes a slug and then nearly hits me in the face with the bottle, trying to pass it to be hastily, arm covering her mouth. I giggle.

"I'll stick to my cup." She says in a high tight voice.

So we finished half the bottle, me and violet ad although Caroline had substantially less than us she was tipsy too. Somehow we end up talking about diagnonsense again, filling in Caroline on Vi's situation.

"Maybe you're a sex addict." Violet says to me. Liquor made her voice warmer but she still remained expressionless.

"Or maybe you like ladies and are in denial." Caroline giggles.

"Explains why I watch you sleep." I tell her.

"I hope whatever it is, you get through it quickly." Caroline murmurs in a tone that reminds me of night chasing out the sun.

Violet make a noise in the back of her throat, "Not likely."

"You don't feel anything do you?" Caroline says to her and she shakes her head.

"I just want it to end. End the nothingness."

"You feel nothing and I feel everything." I mutter.

Caroline looks thoughtful then turns to Violet, "I don't think you try hard enough."

"It's not a matter of try." Violet says, "There's nothing, an abyss, nothing stays nothing." I'm not sure she heard the contradiction in her words but I didn't say anything.

"Your right, it's a matter of do. You feel nothing because you do nothing."

"Caroline."

"Well she doesn't! She just mopes about reading dire books, wearing black and hurting herself."

"If it works like that why don't you just start eating like a goddam normal person and live happily ever after." Violet snarls from between her hair.

"I've started to! I can't consume normally yet because my body will reject it and spaz."

"Get out. Both of you get out!" Violet says, shoving her whiskey behind a pillow.

"Oh come on Vi-"

"See! See! You can't even listen to us, this is why you'll never get better you don't try."

"Shut up!"

"Caroline maybe you should-"but nobody's listening to me. Caroline jumps up and shoves Violet back so she falls onto her bed.

"What the hell!"

Caroline grabs Violets pillow, "Do you feel it yet?"

"Feel what you stupid cow?" Violet yells back.

"ANGRY! I WANT YOU TO GET REALLY ANGRY!" Caroline shouts. I didn't know what to do but I figured I should get up instead of sitting on the floor, "Why do you cut yourself? It's your dads fault right? And your uncle? They're assholes Violet! They did this!" Violets eyes had glazed over and she was clenching her jaw and still Caroline kept going, taunting her, "Oh poor Violet, Oh poor Violet."

Violet then lets out a scream and lunges at Caroline, who throws the pillow up in front of her. Violet begins beating it, pushing Caroline backward towards the wall until she's flush against it with the pillow being beaten between them. The door bursts open and Blaine's in the door way and for some reason I hold my arm out to stop him pulling them apart. Violet lets out a little sob, her punches losing force and she stands there breathing heavily. Caroline peeks out from behind the cushion, "Feel better?"

"What on earth?" Blaine asks, cautioning Violet to sit on her bed.

"I figured" Caroline begins licking her lips and eyeing Violet warily, "That anger was better than nothing."

"I feel strange" Violet says her chest heaving.

"That's the adrenaline" Blaine says. I sit down beside Violet and put my arm around her, hiding the whiskey bottle.

"Can we do that again?" Violet asks and slowly, a smile grows.

Under Blaine supervision and with the door kept open, Violet begins her Muhammad Ali impersonation with Caroline, which turns into a pillow fight, which turns into an alliance against me and Blaine ad soon we're all scrambling about the room like idiots. I somehow manage to get Blaine pinned under Violet duvet with them both whacking the distorted lump.

Someone claps in the doorway, "That's enough girls. The noise is getting the rest of them too excited. Violet it's nice to see you smiling." Violet smiles sheepishly at Rebekkah and jumps off the bed, "Please stop attacking the staff, its lights out soon."

Blaine emerges looking dishevelled and it gives me wicked thoughts. His hairs messy and he's grinning, "I need a raise."

"You'll get a coffee and that's about it." Rebekkah says and leaves.

"Generous." I say and Blaine winks at me. He then twitches and reaches under the covers and produces the nearly empty contraband bottle. I freeze. Caroline and Violet are talking excitedly as they tidy up the mess we've made but then they're laughter dies. We look at each other and then we look at Blaine, who pushes the duvet off himself and stands.

"It's mine." Violet says.

Blaine looks at her levelly, "Just yours?"

"Yes."

Me and Caroline exchange a nervous glance.

"Please don't tell, Blaine. Please." Caroline pleads.

"Who gave it to you Violet?" Blaine demands. Violet says nothing.

"I did." I lie.

It seemed the bollocking was going to go on forever. Everyone had been going to bed when Blaine led me and Violet out to the TV room where the nurses were tidying up. Caroline had been sent to our room and Hayden looked at us intrigued, trying to linger to find out what we'd done but finally with a shove, she left. I didn't know why I said it, but I figured the punishment would be harsh and if harsh was split in half it would just be bad. From what I' learnt this month I'd distanced myself from people because I was afraid of attachment but avoiding life didn't make me happy and it's not like I was attached to Violet but I figured I owed her, she hadn't told Caroline about Tate.

As I thought about this Rebekkah was bearing over us, I told her I got the whiskey from Jesse when we were in town so my trip privileges we revoked, as were my ground rights. The only reason I wasn't sent to solitary, which was a padded room at the end of the other corridor in the ward with no windows and a steel door, was because the girl who lost her shit with the spiders was in there.

"As for your punishments" Rebekkah ranted, was she serious, there was more? Surely she just meant Violet, "They'll be decided in the morning. Now get out of my sight and if anything like this happens again you'll be in solitary for a month!"

"This is such bullshit." Violet whispers angrily as we walk to our rooms. It wasn't really, when I reach my door Violet whispers my name, "Thank you." And then she closes the door.

Her gratitude didn't really make me feel any better and looking back up the ward at Blaine's disappointed expression I wished I hadn't said anything at all.

"Was it bad?" Caroline asks as I climb into bed, I can't be bothered changing, "Stupid question, of course it was. You didn't have to do that. Why did you do that? Oh God I should've said something to. She better be grateful."

"They took my trip and ground privileges."

"Well they'll give them back, maybe before Thanksgiving."

"Suppose it means there's another trip soon."

For a while its quiet and I think she's fallen asleep.

"I wonder who she got it from."

I had fair idea who you'd go to if you wanted something.

I was being shaken. I felt like I'd just closed my eyes and hadn't slept at all but the room was darker so it was definitely later.

"Caroline?" I mutter groggily. If she was having dreams about waffles attacking her again I had no sympathy.

"Wake up little bird." He murmurs in my ear. I turn onto my back and come nose to nose with Tate, "I have a surprise for you."

If this wasn't enough to make me feel like I was going to go into cardiac arrest then the sight of Caroline curled into a ball and pressed into the corner would. Her eyes were wide and frightened, looking at us both. Tate jumps up and claps his hands lightly, "You too Blondie. Nice surprise for everyone.", I sit up and Caroline remains frozen, Tate's crooked smile falls, "You're going to hurt my feelings."

I get out of bed and grab two sweaters from my drawer as Tate waits in the doorway. I coax Caroline line a child from her bed and make her put one of them one. I take her hand and follow Tate out the door, where Hayden and Violet are waiting.

"Oohh Caroline's come out to play." Hayden coos.

We aren't going the same route to the store room in the tunnels, I don't know where Tate's leading us but Hayden skips along beside him whilst the three of us trail behind. When we hit a corner Damon and another guy is waiting.

"Nice to see you again." Damon nods at me. I can feel Caroline looking at me and demanding an explanation but I just squeeze her hand. Well I wasn't getting away with this anymore. Afer ten minutes of winding tunnels and silence exept for Damon's sarcastic remarks that seem to get under Hayden's skin Tate tells them to shut up and pushes open a door to reveal a stairway.

"We're going up?" I ask in disbelief.

"We're going to get caught." Caroline utters stepping back.

"Would I let that happen to you?" Tate asks us, looking around his followers, "But so help me if you don't do what I say you will get caught."

"Oh yes fearless leader." Damon says and Hayden rolls her eyes. I don't think Violets looked anywhere but the ground for thirty minutes.

So we follow Tate up the steps in complete silence, Caroline lagging behind me so our clasped hands are strained. I worry she's too cold and might get sick, I certainly was. At the top is another frie escape door, like the one in the art room, and gently Tate opens it and we step into the warm corridors of the facility again. I know this corridor, as we amble along I recognise the pastel colour in the faint moonlight and the skylights overhead.

"Where are we going?" I breathe.

Damon puts his arms around me and Caroline, bowing down between our shoulders, "We, ladies, our going to find out our diagnonsense." Caroline shrugs uncomfortably under Damon's weight and straightens up, "Sorry."

"It's fine" she says, barely audible.

"If you need me to carry you or anything I'd be honoured." She doesn't say anything but despite her best efforts Caroline smiles shyly. I nearly collide with the other boys back, the other have come to a stop as Tate kneels in front of a door I'd visited not nearly a week ago. We were breaking into Klaus' study.

"This is a bad idea, such a bad idea." Caroline says. She looks so much younger in my sweater that's too big and fear etched into her face.

"Oh grow a pair." Hayden says and after what seems like forever there's a click that sounds far too loud for the time of day. Tate turns the handle and the door swings open, he stands in the doorway and gestures in. Hayden skips past him and we file in after her, he takes my arm and holds me back.

"I wanted to make it up to you. Do you forgive me?" I'm so stunned and under the weight of his gaze I start to tremble. I nod and he grins. I'm about to usher Caroline to the furthest corner of the room when he kisses me. He cups my cheek but it doesn't feel like affection it feel like I'm trapped. Caroline drops my hand.

"Get a room." Damon calls in a whisper loaded with scorn.

"We have one." Tate replies, putting an arm around my shoulder, "You can all wait outside if you want."

_Please nobody leave. _

"It's a very well furnished Victorian style study, actually." Damon responds. Tate stares at him and he quirks an eyebrow, completely unaffected by him. I wish I had his resilience. Tate closes the door behind us all and orders no one in particular to close the blinds, when we're shrouded in the dark Violet clicks on Klaus' desk lamp.

"If everyone would like to make themselves comfortable." Tate announces and Hayden drapes herself across the couch. I perch on the arm chair Caroline's curled up in, Damon take the other arm. Tate flings himself into Klaus' chair and pulls open the desk chair, rifling through folders and fishing out six.

"Damon Salvatore." Tate says proudly holding out his and that's how it went on, we were summoned like we were graduating. The only person's left was Caroline's and she refused to take it.

"I don't want to know." She says flatly.

"Pussy." Hayden says.

"I'm doing you a favour here." Tate replies.

"No you're not. I don't want it."

Tate's expression must have been lenient because it quickly becomes very hard and desolate, "Take it."

"If she doesn't want it-"

"Shut up." Tate snaps at me, and extends the folder over the desk, "Take it." Caroline makes no move and I wonder if my hair clip could cut the tension in here. Damon leans forward and snatches it of his hand and puts in on Caroline's lap.

"You don't have to read it." He says.

"But I will." Tate tells her. Caroline clenches her tiny hand at either side of her, staring down at the slab of documents in her lap. Slowly we all open our own files.

There's a picture of me clipped to it, last year's year book picture and I was smiling genuinely because Jesse said he was taking me to a Beatles tribute night.

**Niamh Andrews Schuster.**

**Assigned to Dr. Ben Harmon.**  
**Overviewed and assessed by Dr. Klaus Michealson.**

**Displayed symptoms since admission.**

**Idolization****episodes and chaotic and unstable****interpersonal relationships****.**

**Issues with****self-image****,****identity****, and****behaviour and goals.**

**Marked impulsivity that can be self damaging.**

**Feelings about others often shift from positive to negative**, **generally after a disappointment or perceived threat of abandonment or of losing someone.**

**Undifferentiated schizophrenia (suspected.)**

****

Established Diagnosis: Borderline Personality disorder.

**(****emotionally unstable personality disorder, borderline type)**

"Well fuck you Harmon." Hayden says bitterly and throws her folder to the floor, lightening up.

All I can do is stare. I don't even want to keep rereading but I can't stop. There it was, after tormenting yourself and wondering and denying there was something wrong with me; here it was in black and white. I had a borderline personality disorder and all I could make of my symptoms were that…they weren't curable and they never would be. Everyone had those issues right? And since when was I schizophrenic? I didn't see people, did I see people? This was bullshit. All of it was bullshit.

A faded piece of paper that I recognize as being from a newspaper slides out from under the page.

**MARINE DROWNS AFTER CAR IS SUBMERGED IN MARINA.**

I close my file and take a deep breath. Klaus plagues and framed awards seemed taunting and I wanted to tear them from the walls, I felt like he was here, gloating, him and mom probably laughed about this. I fucking hated them all. This was before they even document today, _impulsive/ self-damaging,_ well, that seemed true didn't it.

"Anyone wanna share?" Hayden purrs, "What about you Betty Crocker? Barbie?" Caroline has her file open on her lap, but I resist reading. She was right to not want to know hers.

"I'll show you mine if you show me yours?" Damon says, sounding too suggestive. Hayden grins slyly and scoops her file up and they exchange.

"You sound like a typical male." Hayden says, frowning at whatever she's reading.

"Increasing high and lows, controlling relationship with patients, unresponsive to treatment…" Damon's reads aloud and Hayden grins.

"Don't I remind you of someone?" she asks and winks at Tate but he doesn't see, he's pouring over his own, rather thick, file. When he closes it, his expression is cold.

"Damon will you take me back to my room, please?" Caroline asks quietly.

He'd been laughing with Hayden over their symptoms but looks down at her, "That bad?"

"Don't you feel enlightened and self-aware now? Aren't you grateful?" Tate asks, reclining and putting his feet up on Klaus' desk.

"I sure as shit do." Hayden laughs, "C'mon Blondie, I know the way." I didn't like the idea of Caroline being in the dark with Hayden, but she evidently didn't care as she uncurls herself from the chair, throwing the file down in front of Tate. She didn't care that I wasn't following her as she doesn't look back as Damon along with Violet follows them out.

"This is lies. This is such shit!" growls the guy who's been left with us.

"Don't lose your temper." Tate murmurs, smiling.

"I could have them killed you know, kill them all. They don't know what I'm capable of. I could slit their throats as they sleep!" He says his tone a rolling ball of fire that keeps picking up heat.

"I know you could." Tate agrees.

"I will. I'll do it."

"Maybe the sisters, mothers…wives."

"I'll obliterate them, make them suffer first. Men were not meant to be oppressed, men dominate and women should know their fucking place!" Spit was flying out of his mouth as he spoke and he'd started to pace, and then he stops to look at me, as if seeing me for the first time. I didn't feel scared, not how I should, I didn't fucking care.

"Not her Tyler." Tate says quietly. Tyler's lip twitches as he looks at me and his chest heaves, "She's mine." Tyler looks like a raging animal, and my body knows to stay perfectly still for self-preservation purposes, but my mind was goading him. He's looking at me like he'd tear me limb from limb, slowly, and he'd laugh about it, he'd enjoy it, "Now you better go. Flora will be awake soon and you don't want to lose your way back." So Tyler does go, slowly, his eyes on me as he back out into the dark hallway and I can't see him anymore.

I close the door behind him.

"Tyler Lockwood. Bi-polar. Agressively unstable. Guilty of rape, assault and manslaughter. Different cases. Was responding well to treatment…" Tate looks up at me from under his blonde halo, "Isn't it fun to play God?"

"You triggered him."

"Yes."

"Why?"

"Running around after that explosive moron, they'll be too busy to monitor my endeavours."

"Did you want to trigger all of us?"

"Just Tyler." He says, putting his feet back on the floor and leaning forward over the desk, "I knew you wanted to know, so I gave you what you wanted. I wanted you to be happy."

"I am happy." My voice sounds far away and I think it was the falsest thing I've ever uttered.

Tate grins and I give him the rest of the files to put away.

"Makes you see doesn't it? They're full of shit." He says.

"Yes."

He pulls me onto his lap, "You were falling for it, you were letting them brain wash you and I couldn't let that happen."

"No."

"You're mad at them."

"Yes."

"What do you want to do about that?"

I push his hair away from his eyes and tilt his head back to kiss him. His hands grip my thighs and I tighten my grip in his hair, lips becoming feverish and he bites my lip. I gasp and put my fingers to my bottom lip, a red stain shows on my fingertip. He looks momentarily petrified when I stand, misunderstanding. I sweep the books and stationary off Klaus' desk, the tiny act of havoc satisfying, and I push myself back on to it. He's there again, understanding, pulling my hair back so he can attack my neck, opening my blouse and carrying the assault down my chest.

"I love you." He rasps sometime later but I'm lost, I might have said it too.

We have to run back, he takes me to the bottom of the stairway to ensure I don't get lost. He retreats into the dark as I'm going up the steps and I recognise the fabric sticking out of his pocket, he'd taken my underwear.

Back in our room it's silent and Caroline's beds empty. The frayed ends of panic begin to knot together and I sit down on my bed, staring at her empty one, unsure of what to do. A while later I hear hurried steps going in a pattern and I realise whoever's been on duty has woken up. I get under my covers and wait. The door across the hall opens and she lingers there longer than anywhere else. When our door opens and the faint light of her flash light ignites the room I hear her sharp intake of breath.

"Where's Caroline?" I ask, staring right into the florescent light until it hurts.

"She's sleeping with Violet tonight." Vivian whispers back before shutting the door.

-Baking banter, throwing flour, he assists her in kneading the dough.  
-Tate joins them. Goads Blaine.  
-Caroline has a hissy fit, starts crying (Abandoning people.)


	10. Chapter 10

Have you ever had one of those moments where, you've just woken up, your mind a blank canvas and possibilities are everywhere, today could be a good day? And then you remember the fuckery that's already been dealt to you. I lie in bed and stare at the ceiling, the blue walls are too cheery and calm and my hands curl into fists. I run them over my face and turn onto my stomach, burying my face into my mattress and I scream. Nobody comes, nobody hears, I scream again and I'm towed into the black.

…

Someone opens a drawer. I turn my head and see Caroline pulling out fresh clothes from her drawer. She doesn't look at me. My right arm burns but I make no move to try and soothe it, I don't care, she doesn't look at me.

"Caroline." I try softly. Her reply is to shut her drawer with a hard shove.

"Checks!" A nurse pokes her head in and disappears.

I say her name again but she's done gathering her things and heads for the door, closing it behind her. I'm alone again. I look back at the cheery ceiling and soon I feel her on my face, my melancholy leaving wet kisses on my cheeks.

Someone's rubbing soothing circles on my back.

"Caroline?"

"No sweetie." Vivian says, "You've slept the entire day."

My arm throbs under the covers, good, "Oh."

"I brought you, you're dinner and I'm making sure you're actually awake this time. I did wake you up for breakfast but…" she trails off and sighs, smoothing her hand over my hair, "You're cleaning in the kitchen tomorrow with Violet, every other day until Rebekkah says otherwise. Okay?"

I nod.

"Sweetie, are you alright?"

I stare at her, "How do you fix things?"

"Time. Talking, but mostly time darling."

"I don't have a lot of time." I mutter looking past her.

"I'll bring your pills to you." She says, "Eat first."

She leaves and I notice the tray left on the vanity, I don't want it, so I turn over and go back to nothingness. When I wake again she's holding out the plastic cup with my meds, her lips are pursed and I use my good arm to throw back them and my water back.

….

I wake, unsure why, its darker.

"Are you wanting to add 'anorexic' to your list of diagnonsense?" Hayden murmurs close by. It's dark, really dark and I can hear the TV in the distance. I hear her suck on the end of a cigarette and she exhales so the smoke swirls around my head, "Do you think if you said to the atmosphere, 'I'm ready to die' it would listen? Like properly, you just started counting down…" and she begins to until she gets to one, the number leaving her lips softly, like a bullet in slow motion. My heart doesn't stop beating though, "Guess not."

I roll over and she's lying on her back on the other half of bed, she brings her cigarette to her lips, "Violet spilled to Caroline. She blames me so shits mostly in my fan." She smirks and holds the cig out to me, I reach for it and she grabs my wrist, "Damn…" She examines the bruise in the low light, "That's not pretty."

"What did Violet tell her?" I croak, inhaling after she's released me.

Hayden hums, "Whatever answers she had to her questions."

Oh great.

"How long have you been here Hayden?"

"About ten minutes. You're so pretty when you asleep, so vulnerable" she purrs.

"That's not what I meant." I mumble, I had no energy.

She doesn't answer me right away but takes the cigarette back, "Six years, 6 months…" and the she smirks like she knows a secret. I tuck my legs up tighter to my body.

"Do you think you'll ever leave?"

"No." she says after a while.

"Do you want to?"

She turns on to her side so we're almost nose to nose. My limbs seize up.

"In here we're what make the world go around. People revolve around us, they get up for us and they earn their pennies because of us. The get the satisfaction of thinking they can fix us and as long as we let them think that then, we can live like kings." That didn't make sense, that didn't make sense at all.

"You don't think they can fix us?"

"I can't be fixed." She says, her stale breath fanning my face, "I'm a lifer."

"I want to be fixed." I confess.

She smiles, "But you're a lifer too." My tongue turns to lead and she rolls off the bed, "Confessing your secrets is how you get out of here…and as long as Tate is yours, you're not going anywhere sweetheart."

When I look up my doorways not empty, Caroline's small figure outlines it.

"What did she say to you?" she asks.

"The inevitable." I say and turn my back to her.

I hear her soft footsteps on the lino and the bed creaks as she sits down, "You have to tell them you know."

I don't speak, I don't want her here.

I am a weak ball of energy, a feeble example of evolution, a dead star whose light is still reaching out and eluding everyone who gazes. I want to lie forever, soft and warm and maybe my bones will become a part of the ground and I'll be reborn into nature.

"I can't be your friend if you don't Niamh," her voice tiny and hurt, "I can't keep this secret for you because I want to get better. I want you to get better too, so please tell them. Pease tell them the truth."

It's quiet for a while and my eyes are getting heavier. It's easy to pretend she's not here until she sniffs and speaks softly, "He ruins people. I have never wished anyone dead, not even Elena, but I really wish he were, please don't let him take you to." The beds starting to move, I'm leaving, floating away. I can't control it, even if I wanted to.

"We can help each other, there's so much waiting for you out there…"

That place between sleep and awake.

"I need a friend…"

I guess that's where I wanted to stay, wanted to be.

"You need one too…"

That's where I could be Caroline's friend.

"So tell them."

I could be with Blaine.

"Please."

It's where I could be at peace.

…

_It cold, my legs are frozen and chill is spreading up my skin, my neck, it almost tickles. It reaches my nose and I cough and splutter. _

"_Dad?"_

_My seatbelts keeping me anchored and I keep my chin up to avoid the water. I wrestle with the strap, I can't get it lose and I can't get a foothold. _

"_Dad?!"_

_It's stretching up, I can't stop it, its rising and I take my last breath because this is it. My deaths been sealed as the sea claims the last parts of my skin. Everything's a blur and its dark, I can't breathe and the strap won't come free. "It'll keep you safe." He'd said "And that's all that matters."_

_I don't want to die, I wanted to travel, I wanted Jesse to take me on dates, I wanted college, I wanted dancing to foreign music in an exotic place, I wanted to hear my mom humming, I wanted to live and it was all speeding away from me. _

_My chest is collapsing and my lungs are furious…_

_There's a weird cracking noise and someone yanks my restraint away, pulling me through a jagged hole and I know it's him, I know he's saving me. Light illuminates above us and we have to get to it and I'm fighting with all my limbs to get to the surface and finally it breaks. My lungs inflate with delicious oxygen, I'm saved. I look around for him, but the surface is vast and isolated and I cannot speak. I can't call for him. _

_The ocean's turned to blood._

My own screaming wakes me up. A part of me knows I'm awake but the nightmares not over, the image is still there in my head, the memories. As the mattress under me becomes more authentic under my grip I hear my door open and someone's trying to soothe me, to pull me out of my own head.

"Niamh, wake up! Wake up!" Blaine orders. I stop screaming but the mattress isn't still under me, it shakes, "Sit up, c'mon, you're okay." He pulls me up and I bury my face in his chest, this was real, this was not a dream. I grasp his arms in attempt to solidify time, I was here, I was not there, "You're okay, I've got you."

My mind begins reeling back and I can concentrate on better things, like how he smells of fresh cotton and cologne and how his hand moves in soft, rhythmic circles on my back and how his jaw line is inches away.

"It wasn't real."

"No, no, it wasn't. You're safe now." He whispers. I inhale slowly and curl up, he places his hand over mine on his chest, it was me that was shaking not the mattress. He draws his other arm around me so I'm almost cradled, I'm safe. I can feel his heartbeat under his white jacket.

"It was real though…once." I murmur and shudder. He puts his other arm around me, drawing me further into safety.

"Do you want to tell me about it?"

Tell him? Talking, sucking people further in, tainting them, killing them. They more you care about people the more you can get hurt. I wanted to draw back into darkness where I couldn't do either, I didn't want to exist, I didn't want to want him, I didn't want to hurt him.

I told him a different truth, "My head hurts."

His hand stills and he sighs, "I'll get you some aspirin."

I cling on to the final moment, of having his body pressed against me protectively, a glimpse of a-could have been, before he untangles himself and leaves. My bed is cold and I pull my sheets around me. The moonlight is the only thing bathing the room, I'm glad he's kept the light off. He comes back and hands me two tablets and a cup of water. He sits on the edge.

"What happened to your arm?" he asks.

Panic prickles up my spine. My lips move but there's no sound.

"Is it Caroline?" he asks but I just can't speak. He looks down and asks quietly, "Was it because I told Rebekkah?"

I shake my head, "You were doing your job."

"Then why?" he sounds angry, "Why did you hurt yourself?"

"I blacked out."

"Why?" he demands.

"Caroline's angry at me and disappointed and just like everybody else, I let everyone down, everyone and I can't stand it."

"How did you let her down?"

"I lied to her."

"About what?"

"I can't tell you." I whisper to the blanket, warmth runs down my face and I wipe my tears away.

"We're friends, you can tell me." He says reaching out to me. I remove my hand from under his.

"No I can't." I sob.

"Why? I want to help as your friend. Not as an orderly, I want to help."

"That's why I can't." I take a deep breath and look up at his handsome face, his expression imploring, "Because you'll be disappointed to."

His green eyes, brighter like they're crystallised in the moonlight, search my face and he draws in breath and I find myself staring at his lips, anticipating, words that don't come. Maybe its moonlight, or the hour, or maybe it was just us but something made time slow down but glancing from his lips back to his eyes something changes. He can't tell me how he can help, I'm beyond it but as the frustration leaves his face, he shows me how he can relieve me from the pain that is myself. In one swift movement he leans across and kisses me. I'm stunned and nearly jolt when his fingertips touch my cheek. His lips are soft but there's a secret urgency, he had his pain too. He draws in a shaky breath and leans his forehead against mine. I finally catch up with what's just happened and tilt my face up to capture his mouth and put my arms around his neck.

It wasn't rushed, it wasn't as if it was thundering towards anything, the thing itself was more spectacular than I remembered and I could do it forever. It was so sweet, like him and I was addicted.

His hand moves from my hip to my waist and I want him closer but he resists. Before my overly sensitive feelings can get hurt he slides his hand down my arm, lightly over the angry bruise and I suddenly get self-conscious. I duck my head as he draws it up and he softly lavishes it with his lips.

"I have to tell about this, it needs seen to." He murmurs against my sore skin.

"Okay."

"Please don't do this again." He pleads looking up at me from under his lashes, "Promise me?"

"I promise." And I meant it, I really did.

I reach out and cup his face. He really was beautiful, my thumbs tracing his cheekbones and he closes his eyes, content. His eyelashes were thick, girls would kill for them and when he opens them something stirs in my chest. I pull his face back to mine and he slides a hand into my hair.

A door opens down the ward.

We immediately break apart.

"I have to go." He murmurs, looking torn between me and the door. I nod because what else could I do? He traces me cheekbone with his knuckles and then puts them under my chin to tilt my head up to graze his lips against mine.

"Blaine." I call and he looks over his shoulder, hand on the door knob, "Don't love me, I'll ruin you."

"I think that ship has sailed." he says and the door clicks shut.

His words replay in my head until they don't sound real, they sound like I've made them up. In the dark anything's possible and impossible makes a lot of sense. My heads swimming and I fall asleep hugging my pillow wishing it smelled like fresh cotton.

…

"Up!" A female voice snaps.

I groan and pull my pillow over my head, "Five more minutes." It's yanked out of my grasp and I'm hauled up by Rebekkah, "What the fuck!"

"Arm." She demands. Well… know she's mentioned it… it fucking burns.

I hold it out to her and she takes it tenderly between her own. Frowning she says, "Moira get me lotion and her normal dose of aspirin."

I hadn't noticed the other body by the door.

"Why did you do this?" she asks quietly.

"You're a nurse, not a shrink." I growl.

She glances up with hard steel in her gaze, "It is my business to find out or we'll have to have you strapped down. So I'll ask you again, why did you do this?"

I grit my teeth, "Caroline's angry with me. She's rooming with Violet."

"Don't blame me for this!" Caroline whines from the doorway.

I glare at her and Rebekkah looks between us, "Caroline will you fetch Niamh's breakfast please; it should be coming up to the station."

"Don't spit in it." I snap. Caroline's face goes blank and she regards me with an indignant expression. She stalks away. Oh fuck.

Moira delivers Rebekkah's requests and leaves. I want to go back to sleep, I don't want to deal with anyone or anything.

"Why is she upset with you?" she asks, gently glazing my arm with lotion.

"I lied." I answer.

"About?"

Well that I could never say.

"Why are you grinning?"

"I lied to you as well."

Her eyebrows knit together and my grin melts away. Caroline comes in and places the tray down; I know it's her by the print on her skirt. A cool hand cups my forehead, "Have you been sleeping?"

"No she hasn't." Caroline answers for me. She sounds so angry, it's on her face too, but she must sense my regret because her expression becomes soft.

"Put on some clothes, I'll take you to Dr. Harmon." Rebekkah concludes and I wince as she fastens her bandage, "I fear your spiralling."

She leaves, leaving the door ajar, it seems such effort to get up.

"You look awful." Caroline tells me.

"Same as how I feel." I reply putting one foot on the floor.

"Are you going to tell him?" I don't reply and pull out some clothes, "They don't match." She says taking them from my hands and replacing them with something else.

"Thanks."

Caroline kneels in front of me, "Did you really do that because of me?"

"No. I didn't it because I let you down and nothing makes sense anymore." My head begins to throb and I rub my temple. I jerk when a shadow moves past Caroline's head, but there's nothing there.

She looks where I do but turns back to me, "But it used to, you were doing so well. It's him Niamh, you've let him in." I feel guilty, I feel so incredibly guilty, "You have to tell them."

The throbbing gets worse and I pull away, "I have to go."

…

"We weren't scheduled until tomorrow afternoon." Ben says, I realise he's holding a cigarette out to me. I take it, "You look like you need this."

He flips open his note pad and I light up, the nicotine rushes to my head and fights the throbbing.

"Why don't you tell me what happened to your arm?"

"Maybe one of my imaginary friends did it." I muse bitterly.

"Imaginary friends?" he repeats, scribble, scribble.

I glare at him, "I blacked out."

"And what triggered this blackout?"

I felt like was on spinning ride and it was making me nauseous. The same questions, round and round. "Me and Caroline aren't on great terms."

"Whys that?"

"I'm friends with people she doesn't like."

"I see." Sribble, scribble, "Why doesn't she like them?"

"She thinks there not good for me."

"And you disagree?"

"I'm confused. They make everything seem…as I used to know it. It's easier. It makes sense."

"If it makes sense then why does Caroline have such a problem?"

"Because it's not… right." I test.

"It's not right but it's easier?"

"Yes."

Scribble, scribble.

"Well, having your comfortable illusion makes it hard to hear the truth." I grit my teeth, shut up, shut up, shut up, "And since this disagreement the headaches have come on a lot stronger?"

"I hadn't had one in a while."

Scribble, Scribble.

"Mr. Anderson also alerted me to you having a disturbance in your sleep."

My chest crumples in on itself and flexes, I cough and rub my hand across it, "Nightmare."

"About?"

The pause is very long, "My dad. The day he died."

"I'm sorry for your loss." He says gently, "that must have been a very hard thing to share, thank you." I dig my nails into the leather armrests and try to tune out his condolences and views on death.

"You had a very rough night." He concludes after a while.

"Hm."

"So these friends Caroline disapproves of, what makes them not right?"

"They're manipulative." My voice was small. I was frightened somewhere Tate's ears were burning.

"So you agree they're manipulative and not 'right'…then why still be friends with them?"

"Everyone needs someone."

"Does that someone need you as much as Caroline does? Do you need them?"

I think about how Caroline was when I got here, deprived, starving… lonely and maybe, if I hadn't come she'd be dead by now. I shudder. And Tate? He may or may not love me…doesn't that bind me to him in someway? I'm responsible for that feeling, I can't hurt him just because this wasn't what I wanted because what if I did hurt him…he'd want to hurt me back.

"When Caroline was under stricter supervision you were so concerned and now this dispute has triggered wrist banging and nightmares. What do you think about that?"

"I let her down." I say almost inaudible.

"There's more to this story…" he presses.

"She doesn't like Tate Langdon much." I tell him, peering up from where I've hunched over my knees.

His curious face collapses and he repeats the name. I nod.

"When did you meet Tate?"

"Yesterday. I was on kitchen duty for Halloween stuff…"

"Tate does not have clearance to be in the kitchens." He says flatly and scrapes his chair back, "Excuse me one moment."

He disappears out the door and I wonder about Tate. What was he cleared for? What wasn't he not allowed to do? What was his diagnonsense?

Then I'm pulling out the drawers of bens desk, rifling through papers. I get to the section noted 'L' in the next drawer, passing 'Lockwood, Tyler' with something in red stamped on the front, I finally touch on 'Langdon'.

It was a thin folder. Ben must have things summarized or have only recent reports because Tate's folder in Klaus' office was three times as big. I hold it on my lap and flex my fingers before opening it.

**Tate Langdon.  
Supervised - Restricted  
Three to one.**

**Date of admission: 1969**

**Overview 10.15.79: Increasing highs and lows, deluded beliefs, no positive response to meds, Cationic states frequent (at night), altering moods more frequent.**

**Overview of diagnoses analysed 10.15.79:  
Psychotic disorder.  
**

**Shock therapy recommended.**

**APPROVED.**

I stare at the paper in my hands and try and apply the words to reality. This described Tate as completely unstable and out of his mind, like it would be impossible to be near him. Bullshit. It was all bullshit. I hear voices in the hall and I tuck the paper back before darting around his desk.

Ben enters and right behind him is Klaus.

"This is very important, love." Klaus says kneeling in front of me and staring at me intensely over his sharp cheekbones. I wanted to shrivel into the chair, my heart started having palpitations, "Tell me everything Tate Langdon said to you yesterday afternoon."

So I did. Mostly, he'd said afternoon not 'ever'.

"Do you remember anything about the nurse?" he asks, he never seemed to blink.

"Her name was Florence or something, Blaine would know."

"Did he take anything from the kitchen? Anything at all?"

"No. I didn't see him take anything."

"Positive?"

"Yes."

He stands in one quick motion, turning to face Ben whose arms are crossed as he listens, "Call Ward B and have Rebekkah come with Blaine Anderson to my study. Find out who's monitoring him today and who was on duty yesterday. I want him in solitary and his cell searched. Look for disturbances in the brick work."

What the hell was going on?

"Niamh, my apologies your sessions been cut short today. It's disruptive but necessary."

I just nod as he exits like the hounds of hell are snapping at his feet. Ben calls a nurse to take me back, all the while I wonder if I've done something very wrong. Moira leads me in as Blaine and Rebekkah exit. She nods and behind her Blaine's looks troubled, he gives me a sad smile as he passes. I realize then he thinks I've told them about us, about him and that his life was just about to crumble down around him. I want to call after him but Moira pushes me inside.

"Hey sexy." Hayden sings, spinning past on her chair. She then starts a game of blocking an orderly's path who's carrying a tray of meds.

"Hayden cut that out!"

She laughs and pushes herself away from the nurse so it turns into a chase. She leaps out of her chair kicks it over so the nurse trips in her wake. She bounces over to us and Moira tries to threaten her, she ignores her.

"So what going on, you cough up a big one?" She says bearing over me. I shake my head as two nurses try and reach for her but she uses me to block them, taking me by the arms she pulls me along with her, "Really? Because you went off and suddenly it's all stations in here!"

She lets me go and jumps up onto the couch as a nurse stumbles trying to get a grip on her dingy shirt.

"I'm not staring shit up, see me and Caroline shared a look, see, yep, there it is again, which told me we thought the same thing." Hayden tells me dodging the other nurse and ignoring the threats of Moira. She vaults over the sofa, "Was it to do with that monstrosity on your arm? Feeling guilty about something?"

"Leave it alone Hayden." Caroline says.

"Your arm?" Violet asks.

"Maybe I'm sick of secrets to." Hayden announces putting her hands on her hips, giving up her escapism efforts.

Pain seared through my head, I needed aspirin, and everyone needed to shut up.

"I think I hit a nerve." Hayden observes as Moira and an orderly take her by the arms, "Oh lead me away then." And she starts singing loudly.

I grip the chair as the room sways, "I need aspirin."

"What happened? Are you okay?" Caroline whispers.

"I need-"

"What is the matter?" A nurse barks.

"Nothing, she's fine."

I can't focus and the pain moves behind my eyes and they're bickering at my ears, Hayden's still singing.

"SHUT UP! JUST SHUT UP!" I scream and bat them both away and go back to my room.

I breathe deeply, rubbing my temples as the pain resides. The room is cool and it helps, I rest my forehead on my knees as Caroline comes in.

"What can I do?" She asks helplessly, "They said it hasn't been written up for you to get any more medication today."

"Nothing, nothing. Go away." I mumble into my thighs, I wrap my arm around myself.

"I want to help."

"You can't help me!" I snap.

"Violet might have cigarettes…"

"GO AWAY CAROLINE!" I scream sitting up. Her pretty features look stricken, her big blue eyes glaze over.

"I know you're mad but you had to tell them…but I thought nothing happened between you Blaine…"

She thought I'd told them about him to, ruined his life. Despite me having told her nothing had happened, nothing had happened yet but she didn't trust me. This place was suffocating.

"Fuck off Caroline. Just fuck off and be someone else's friend."

It's silent for a while as the words seep into her, and then she closes the door with a sob. I didn't care, I didn't care. It hurts to care. I rock back and forth trying to cradle the pain in my head, so it doesn't become irritated and throw a tantrum.

….

The rooms got significantly colder. I lean up and peer around the room, its dark…I'd been sitting like this for a few hours. My back stiffs and I wince sitting up to examine my arms…they were stiff to. I hadn't harmed myself… that was good. Caroline's bed was empty… she'd left me, she wasn't here.

I get under my cold covers and try to lose myself somewhere else but I can't, I get trapped in the in-between so it takes me a while to realize there are fingertips on my cheeks. Tate's looking down at me, eyes wide and alive, "Still believe they're full of shit?"

I nod.

He takes a shuddering breath and twitches, "Wanna leave?"

I nod.

He only allows me to grab a coat and pull on shoes. I don't have any money but he says it doesn't matter. We go into the tunnels and I wonder whether I should have left a note but what would it matter? I was going and I was not coming back, I would be forgotten and it would be simple. Blaine would have nothing to worry about and Caroline would get better. Tate needed me, and his cold hand in mine wouldn't leave.

"Are you okay?" I ask as we come to a cluttered little room, piled with boxes and old mattresses.

"They gave me shocks again." He replies in soft whisper. His eyes were still big and he was blinking a lot. He looked so fragile and vulnerable, a shudder running through his body. It's like electricity was still cackling below the surface, "I have to get out of here."

They'd hurt him, they'd tied him down and tried to scorch out whatever hurt he had. They'd tried to cure him by hurting him. I nod quickly to show him I understand, I'd go with him and I'd heal him. I'd listen, nobody really wants to listen, that's where hurt comes from, loneliness, maybe I could understand him.

"Will you stay with me?" he asks in tight voice.

"Yes."

His lips are grateful but urgent. He shudders again and I place my hands on his shoulders in an effort to still him.

"I'm so glad I have you." He breathes, resting his forehead against mine, "Let's go."

He moves the musty mattresses aside to reveal an worn metal door, it screeches as he pulls it open. Steep concrete steps lie behind it, going up to the outside world. He holds his hand out to me and I silently say goodbye to Caroline and Blaine as I slide mine into his.

…

We run for what seems forever, Michelson's becomes a small house in the distance and I know we're way past the long stretch of road that is its garden path. We come to a slope that leads down onto a road, cars come past sporadically due to the hour. Tate pulls be down behind him and releases my hand to flag down an oncoming car.

I take it as a sign that its hippy van and Tate lets out a relieved smile as he pulls open the side door, allowing me in first. There are two guys in the front both, the drivers wearing a bulging beanie and his companion has long ginger dreads. The smell of weed mixed with the warmth is comforting. I slouch down in my seat and grin at the roof of the van which is decorated with glow stickers.

"Hey, little lady." The guy next to the driver greets me smiling and then his eyes rest on Tate, "You guys lose your ride?"

"Car broke down a while back, been walking for a few. Sure appreciate the lift." He says smoothly throwing his arm around me.

"Where ya headed man?" The driver asks without turning around.

"As far as you'll take us."

"The great open road, allowing your path to be guided by the universe. That's a great way to live man, I like it." The guy avows lazily, toking on his joint.

"You know it brother." Tate grins, kissing the top of my head and I cuddle into his side.

"Let love and sound take you away man." The guy exhales, passing the joint back to Tate. He inhales and cups my face to his, exhaling the euphoric smoke into my mouth.

"War is over if you want it." Tate quotes and I gaze up at the greenish peace signs and think he's right.

…

I grin enjoying Tate and the guy who introduces himself as Ryan, joke and talk about John Lennon. I don't know how long we'd been driving but I loved speeding through the night with the lights passing by outside.

"This is our stop." The driver announces cheerfully as we veer to the right and comes to a stop. Florescent pink light streams in the windows, carrying music with it. We're at a bar.

"It's been an honour travelling with you guys." Ryan says shaking Tate's hand.

"Appreciate it." Tate returns hopping out the side and holding his hand out to me, "Where are we?"

"Carlsbad man." Ryan says sounding gleefully spaced out and he and his friend disappear inside.

"Now what?" I ask Tate. He grins down at me.

"Let's enjoy freedom." And he pulls me inside the smoky place.

…

I feel on top of the damn world. The music's great. I'm a little drunk. I'm dancing and I'm pretty sure the smoke in the air is not all a result of nicotine. Ryan hands me another beer when I'm in mid twirl and I take it.

"Where's Tate?" I ask him, laughing.

"He went with John into the back." He replies passing me the last draws of his cigarette.

I continue spinning and drinking until I can't anymore and fall back into the chair. Ryan sits down beside me. Something wet tickles my cheeks and I giggle.

"What?" he asks and it happens again. I realize he's trying to kiss me.

"Stop that." I mutter and push him away.

"It's all cool." He says reaching for me again but he's ripped from the couch and Tate has him up by his collar. His eyes are murderous and his white face is hard. I feel like I'm watching a movie as he snarls something before punching him.

"Tate!" I call as he gets carried away, laying into Ryan, which triggers everyone else. Soon everyone's fighting. I press myself up against the wall as I start coming down from whatever high I'm on. Tate appears in front of me and takes me hand, dragging me outside. The cold airs relieving.

"He wasn't… I wasn't" I try to explain but he spins around and out his hand over my mouth.

"Your mine." He tells me, and that's the end of it.

We walk for a while, his fingers lace threw mine, his hands were always cold. I hadn't realised we'd stopped until I collided with his chest, he tilts my face up.

"You're tired?"

I shake my head in agreement. His hand smoothes over my hair and I bury my face in his chest.

"There's a motel over there." He murmurs.

"We haven't any money." I groan.

When he doesn't respond I pull back to look up at him, he digs into his pocket and pulls out a wallet and some crumpled notes.

"I'm going to look after you." He murmurs, kissing my temple.


	11. Chapter 11

Tate takes care of getting the key at the desk, he'd asked me to wait by the steps I'm not really sure why, I suspected it was because the man handing him a key looked a bit sleazy and my suspicions were confirmed when he caught sight of me and said wiggled his eyebrows.

I bite my lip and turn away, worried about Tate's reaction, it was better for him to think I hadn't seen. If he had seen the exchange he didn't mention it when he takes my elbow and leads me up to the second floor. It was getting really cold and my jacket felt too thin.

We stop in front of a door marked '666' and Tate swings it open.

"After you" he murmurs gesturing to the pitch black room. I hesitate before deciding dark was better than cold. The door closes eerily behind me and I know he's in the room with me but anxiety curls in my tummy, until he flicks on the light and grins. I can't even make my face form a fake smile.

"You're shivering." He says advancing towards me and pressing his knuckles to my cheek.

"You're like ice." I reply.

"I don't feel it. I don't feel much." He says, sliding past me to the small bathroom and closes the door.

We had one double bed, a small radiator, a box I assume was a TV and a bathroom. It could be worse. I keep my arms wrapped around me as I wonder if this was a mistake, an awfully big mistake. No! It wasn't. Caroline was going to be able to get better without having me set her back by worrying about my escapades and fucked up antics and there would be no more Blaine encounters… no more chances of him fucking up his future.

Even though I would miss them both, even though it felt like I'd lost something really important. We had the world at our feet here, we'd already come miles and we could go more if we wanted to. Carlsbad today, L.A tomorrow night, London the next? Possibilities were endless! And we would be okay, we had each other, who knew the ins and outs of dark corners of the mind and soul.

I check the radiator and sure enough it is on, it's just not hot. I hoped it was just heating up.

I hear the bathroom door creek open and before I can turn Tate slides his hands around my waist.

"Still feeling like an ice sculpture?" his breaths hot on my neck and I shiver in response. He chuckles, "I can think of a way to make you melt."

I find my smirk as his grips tightens on my waist and he unleashes kisses on my neck and shoulder. He pulls my jacket from my shoulders and spins me around. It was almost aggressive the way we pulled each other's clothes off but it was underlined with excitement, we were free.

I push him bedward and I laugh when we collapse in a heap of tangled limbs and garments. He rolls us over and pins my hands above my head. I lean up to kiss him but he pulls away, teasing. I pout and he grins.

"You know what's great about being free little bird?"

"We don't have to be quiet?"

He chuckles, "No one to hear you scream is not always a good thing."

"Then what?" I sigh just wishing he would kiss me

He leans down to my ear, "We can go anywhere, be anyone, be with each other and that compensates for being in this filthy world." Something niggles in the back of my mind, something that wants to be remembered but then he's kissing me again and the boggart stops.

He kicks of his jeans and I rake my nails all over him and he growls, nipping my chest with his teeth and leaning back to yank my panties off and unbuckles his belt, I rub my thighs together in anticipation and unhook my bra.

"Don't have to be quiet huh?" he grins wickedly, crawling over me. I squeal as he begins tickling me to prove the point and kissing every patch of skin he can whilst I wriggle.

I flip him over and pin his wrists down, "Not what I meant."

His wicked gleam fades and his expression becomes tender, "Whatever happens to us, I'll not regret a moment with you."

His stare feels heavy and I don't know how to reciprocate. The way he said it sounded foreboding… so I lean down and kiss him. I let him roll us over and I hitch my legs up around his hips, the motion making his tip rub against my clit and I moan. Basements, therapists desks and motel rooms, we had classy sexcapades. His lips fasten with mine and I reach between us and position him at my entrance. His tongue sinks into my mouth as his hips roll and I grasp his hair, arching up against his chilled chest. His cool skin on my feverish flesh sends tingles rushing over my skin. He reaches for my hands again and pins them at either side of my head, it's frustrating not being able to touch him, especially when he begins to thrust igniting _that_ feeling.

He groans in reply to a whimper that escapes my lips and buries his face into my neck, making me moan again when I feel his tongue there, creating wet patches that collide with his warm breath.

The feelings mounting and I wriggle against his grip. I need to hold him instead of being pinioned to the mattress.

"Tate" I try breathlessly but I think he's becoming lost. Luckily our sweat has made our hands slick and with some effort I'm able to get free. Tate's hand curls into fists around the sheets and wrap myself around him, kissing his shoulder. His hips become more erratic in their rhythm and I clutch him as the feeling begins to climb but somehow tighten, threatening to explode like a bag of firecrackers. Tate groans and finds my lips. My cry is muffled by his tongue as my orgasm washes over me.

My eyes open lazily. Tate's face is nestled against my shoulder as he catches his breath. He rolls off me and throws him arm out to the other side of the bed, grinning widely.

"What are you so pleased about?" I murmur.

"Isn't it obvious? Or am I having very vivid hallucinations."

"Have those often?" I half tease, half serious.

He hums, "If I was capable of those my hands would never be out of my pants."

I laugh and he leans off the bed and pulls a silver box from his jeans. He produces a spliff and lays back down to light it. The lack of his body against mine means I feel the chill of the night and I pull one of the comforters over us. He takes a few draws as I lean on my side watching him, his posture has changed dramatically, less tense all soft and loose looking. That could have been the just after sex glow but I wanted it to believe half of it was down to being out of the hospital. He hands me the joint and I roll onto my back, letting a new kind of warmth make my bones glow. His fingertips dance across my skin tracing the curves of my breasts making me hum happily and under the sheets across my tummy .Its ticklish but pleasant.

When the spliff burns down to its last cinder of contraband Tate turns the lights off and locks the door. My eyelids grow heavy but my body feels light as air. I can't help but hope that this could be the start of something really great. Whirlwind adventures, some days we might not have money or food but we'd have each other and we'd make it. I wasn't sure what 'it' was but the idea I had was that it would be steady.

Tate rolls onto the bed and puts his arms around me, nestling his face into my tummy, fingertips memorizing my waist and hip.

"Where do you think stars go when they die?" he asks.

"They're born again." I murmur, "They're energy and they burn out, they die and their energy becomes another star, a brighter one."

"Like people."

"Yes."

"You're my star." He says as I'm on the fringes of sleep. I stroke his hair, falling over the edge with a smile on my face.

We sleep late, well I do, when I wake up Tate's raided one of the vending machines and we brunch on coke and chips. We watch an old movie on the static TV, holding hands. He falls asleep for a little while and instead of the movie I watch him… he looks boyish when he sleeps. Like nothing or no one has ever hurt him. I let my fingertips graze from his temple to his chin, wondering what demons lay below the surface and thinking that maybe with enough care and laughter we could get rid of them. Then I thought about my own but I knew the same theory didn't apply, mine were like scars, they could fade but they were permanent.

When he wakes he's quiet and doesn't want to go for a walk. I go myself, around the motel and paddle in their pool for a little while under the moon. It's really cold and I'm hoping it was clean, the more I stared at the black surface the more I could see corpses lurking beneath, ready to pull me under. I went straight back to the room and Tate was sitting right where I left him. I asked him if he was alright, he nodded and I got into bed. When I woke a few hours later for toiletry reasons he was still sitting in the same arm chair, I coax him to come to bed and stroke his hair until he falls asleep.

The next night I thought I'd be brave.

"We should go out." I propose nervously, shutting off the TV I hadn't been watching. Tate had been sitting in the same sagging armchair in the corner of the room since I'd woken up this morning. He hadn't said much, he'd just been staring at the wall.

He doesn't answer me. I slide of the bed and stand in his line of vision, "Tate. Let's go out to a diner or something, get out of this cage."

"I'm familiar with cages."

"Not anymore." I say taking his face in my hands, "We can do what we want. Let's go out, we could go sit by the water."

"And what if we're recognised?"

I huff, "Well…was the point of this escape to exchange one cage for another?" he doesn't say anything, his face lifeless between my hands. I drop them and stand. I try to lighten the mood "I could dye my hair? We both could, I could be your suicide blonde."

"No."

My shoulder slump in defeat, "I'm tired of looking at the same four walls."

"Tired of me you mean." His voice was quiet and haunted.

"No! No, it's just…what happened to going anywhere and being anyone?"

"Because we're real in here. This is real, me and you! Why do you want to go out there and fuck everything up! It's disgusting out there, it's all fucking corrupt." He snarls. I think it's worse that he's not even looking at me, just staring fixedly ahead like I wasn't there.

"We don't have to talk to anybody I just thought…"

He puts his fists up to his head, "Why are you doing this? Why don't you understand?"

"I do understand. It's okay, we won't go anywhere. I'm sorry!" I go to him and try to put my arms around him but he flings me aside and starts shaking his head.

"Tate I'm sorry. We can stay here just- Tate don't!" His fists are beating against his temples.

"You we're supposed to understand. You don't know what's real and what's not…" he's breathless and I wonder if I should try to console him but I'm frozen. His ragged breathing is the only noise in the silent room.

"Tate..."

He stands and it makes me jump but he strides away, towards the bathroom. I hear clattering from inside, then it's quiet. It's quiet for ages as I sit on the floor, the carpet becoming itchy under my palms.

"Tate?" I call and my voice breaks, "Tate what are you doing?"

I get up and run across the room, pushing the door open.

It's like a scene from a horror movie, a scene described in crime novels, all air leaves my lungs. He's sitting on the edge of the tub, hunched over and my eyes scan the smears of red against the cheap pink ceramic bath. He lets out a ragged breath and sits up slightly exposing his arms, scarlet carvings pulsing streams of blood, soaking into his faded blue jeans.

"Tate." I squeak.

"This is what's real" he says sitting up., "It's in my blood, it's noble and uncorrupted. You take me out there and they're going to bleed me dry because that's what they do. They don't listen!" He lurches onto his feet and grasps the sink for support and I stumble back into the doorframe, "We need to stay here, where we're safe from them."

"Tate you need a towel." I swallow what feels like a ball of glass. I reach for the towel rack as he collapses beside the bathtub.

"We need to stay here. Promise me."

"I need to get, I need to get you to the hospital or a doctor. Hold this. I need to get to the phone!"

His blood was becoming sticky and dry on the tiles, I needed to fix this, but he grabs my forearm as I try to stand and I lose my balance. My hand lands in puddle, skidding through it and spreading more liquid around the grimy floor.

"I'll be fine! Listen to me." He implores, black eyes calm and serious in his pale face, "Don't leave me. You're all I have."

"Tate" I felt like I was drowning and the room was getting smaller.

"Niamh please. We need each other, we need to stay here and look after each other."

"I don't know how to fix this!" I cry, covering my mouth and blinded by tears.

He smiles, "It's not as bad as it looks…I needed you to see. You're all I have and you're all I need. We need to stay here. Promise me?"

His eyes are imploring and he looks so vulnerable. I'm out of my depth. I don't know what to do. "Tate." My voice cracks and I shake my head, hoping he understands that I can't do what he's asking of me.

And all of a sudden I desperately want Klaus to burst through the door and order me out, telling me he'll take care of it. Jesus I'd even take Ben. Blaine would be waiting at the door ready to lead me out to one of Michelson's cars, I'd tell him I'm sorry and he'd tell me it was going to be okay. I'd believe him.

No one comes. Tate's blood is soaking through the towel and when I peel it back I can see the cuts aren't very deep, but there are lots of them and they're all angry.

"I'll stay." I vow hollowly.

I clean his arms the best I can, trying to remain composed while the whole time he watches my face. I want him to go to hospital but he shakes his head and repeats 'it not as bad as it looks, trust me', but he seems to get wearier every time he says it. I fasten the remaining towels around his arms as they're my only substitute for bandages and throw his arm around my shoulder so I can haul him to the bed.

"Come here." He murmurs. His eyes are half closed but I know what he wants. I hesitate before leaning down to kiss him and soon he drifts off. I wipe my hand over my mouth as I return back to the bathroom, closing the door quickly behind me.

I'm not sure how it happens but I lose control. Maybe it's because there's blood on the tiles and raggedy towels. I end up slumping down beside the door clutching my hair.

Lack of passion is fatal, I'd always thought, but Tate was more than passion he was an inferno. He was like a forest fire, at first you're memorised but then the flames get closer and you have to run or you'll burn. I thought Tate was someone who'd have demons equal to mine, they'd be able to speak to each other but I was wrong about that too.

He was ill. So was I. This was a mistake. How did I fix this? The tears stream down my cheeks leaving a chill on my face because the room's cold. I'm not sure how long but when I finally move I'm stiff. I clean up as best I can, hoping housekeeping won't suspect too much.

When someone else is asleep and you're awake you feel ghost like. I sit down in the sagging arm chair relieved to see the rise and fall of his chest. He hadn't bled out then. I was still crying so I turned on the TV hoping it would make me feel less lonesome. I had to keep the volume low but from what I could tell from the mute news girl there was some sort of storm coming…that would explain why it's so cold.

I don't get into the bed with, I stay in the chair curled up and scared about when he'd wake up. My eyes drift to the door.

_I'd promised._

But it was a wrong sort of promise. If I cared I'd help him. I uncurl from the chair and nearly collapse due to numb legs but he doesn't wake. Opening the door I'm over washed by guilt.

"I'm sorry." I whimper without looking back at him and step outside.

The early morning is dark and restless. The sky looks angry and the winds pulls at my hair, I pull my jacket tighter around me.

I was a bad person. I couldn't keep a promise to anyone because I couldn't decide what my principles were. I didn't have any. What kind of person doesn't have principles? Tate deserved better than that.

There's a phone booth at the other side of the street and no one's around, it's quite sheltered and hidden away from the view of the hotel. I take a deep breath after finding the number I needed and dialled.

I ended up putting on this English accent to the receptionist, I wondered was it Frump. I told her where Tate was, I thought maybe she would need more information than that but she exclaimed her disbelief down the phone and told me to hold on.

The line cut off and I thought she'd hung up. The wind was howling outside the glass and I screamed as a newspaper smacked up against the side. The paper struggled against the glass and then I finally started to see it, the bold print on the page.

**"Patients free pass? Wild rumours pour out of Michelson's" **

It takes me a minute to realize there's a voice in my here.

"Hello?"

Oh Christ. I open and shut my mouth.

"Can you hear me?" Klaus draws out calmly.

"He needs help." I say into the mouthpiece.

"Who needs help? Can you speak up?" His voice is cool but I can tell he's pushing for explicit details. He must think I'm a reporter.

"Tate. Tate Langdon. He's at the Pearl Shell Motel."

It's quiet for a beat.

"Niamh." He says in his same quiet manner but his tone is relieved, "Are you okay? Where are you?"

"I'm fine. I'm nowhere. He's in Carlsbad, he needs help, he's hurt."

"How hurt? Are you hurt?"

"I'm fine. He hurt himself I…I don't know what to do."

"Stay calm." He orders and I nod, swallowing the lump in my throat, "You've done the right thing. You're not in any trouble but you have to do as I say. Does he know you're calling?"

"No."

"I thought so. Is he close?"

"No. I left him. That's why you have to go and get him, or send an ambulance or someone. The cuts weren't deep but there was a lot of blood and-"

"Cuts?"

"I should have made him stay but Caroline needed to get better and I wasn't going to and its wrong to make her keep my secrets and it all got so screwed up…"

"Niamh slow down."

"Because I couldn't tell the truth, I never can and I thought it was the best idea. I just really want someone to talk to but it never helps, it never helps so I thought I could disappear but it made it worse and I promised him…" I can't speak anymore and he's trying to soothe me, telling me to calm down. There are other voices on his side and I hear him repeat the motels address.

"Niamh where are you? "I want to tell him, I really do, "Niamh please. I want to help, let me."

"Help him." I reply and hang up.

I stand in the glass case for a while until an ambulance pulls up silently. Paramedics jump out and one dashes to the reception whilst the other waits with his bag. I'd forgotten to give him the room number. The both start up the stairs and I know Klaus won't be far behind, he'll be here soon.

I step out into the frantic wind and pull my hood up. I whisper sorry again to Tate and start down the sidewalk.

…

I have no idea what time it is. There's no one around and the sky has only lightened to a stormy grey. It had started raining as well, I was soaked. I finally some little café with its neon light flickering in the window and dive inside.

It's deserted so my arrival is obviously out of the ordinary.

"God, you're brave." The waitress muses, putting down the rag she'd been using on the counter.

"Anything for a coffee." I shiver sliding into one of the few booths.

"Hun our coffee isn't _that_ good." She pours me a mug and brings it over, "Breakfast?"

"Uh no, thanks."

"Your lips are blue, ya sure?"

"I only have two dollars, I'm sure."

She cocks her head to the side and purses her lips, "I'm sure we can let some pancakes slide."

"Thanks." I say sincerely, wrapping my finger around the steaming mug.

"Well you look like you had a rough night and the day isn't going to be much better."

"Thanks" I say again only less sincere.

"All storms pass." She says over her shoulder as she disappears into the kitchen.

The clock on the wall says it's nearly ten am. That was depressing. I mean I thought it would be at least the afternoon but no it was early and I had a lot more time to kill. Then again, I hadn't really time to kill for purpose other than killing it. That was even more depressing.

Pancakes appear in front of me, "C'mon, it can't be that bad."

…

I kill two hours in that café. Only one other costumer comes in and he seems to be a regular, he was quite old. It was probably the only place he had for company, the waitress new his name. They have the radio on and it's emitting how bad the weather is and how some trees had fallen and roads have been closed. I wonder if Klaus was able to make it to Tate…if they were able to make it back.

"_All homes close to the sea have been given the warning, tides will be coming in. Oceanside in particular has had refuge centres set up in local…"_

Oceanside.

"Hey, Quinn." I call over to the counter. I have to repeat myself until she perks up from her magazine, "How far is Oceanside from here?"

"Bout thirty minutes on the bus but they aren't running."

"How far if I walk?"

"Double that but can't walk, not in that." She laughs off and goes back to her magazine.

I couldn't walk. For one I didn't know what damn direction to go in although I knew it lined the coast… so if I just followed the coast line? But when I got there how would I find his house? I could use the phonebook but still, how would I find it without walking around for God knows how long without drowning.

What would I even do if I found his house? I could hardly knock on the front door and say 'surprise!'…. he might be stranded at work.

I was fucking ridiculous.

"Hello!" A hand's waved in front of my face.

"Huh?"

"I asked what's in Oceanside" Quinn repeats refilling my mug for the third time. She hadn't charged me at all.

"A friend."

"And you have to get to them today?"

"No, no, I, uh, Nope."

"Just go home. I'm sure they'll understand." She advises.

"I don't have a home." I say more to myself than to her watching my coffee…I wish I was steam I could just disappear.

"Here." I hadn't realised she was still standing beside me and my gaze jumps to the hand she has extended towards me with a twenty dollar bill in it, "Take it." She insists.

"What? No, I can't." I refuse waving her hand away.

"I'll order the cab." She days with finality and thrusts the bill in to my hand.

I thank her, I thank her quite a bit and it makes me feel bad. I don't know how to pay her back, not just money but she was … kind.

"It's pretty selfish really. It makes me feel good about myself." Quinn smiles, the wind throwing her hair around her as she closes my cab door.

I watch her dash inside as the cab driver addresses me, "This must be pretty important. Where to?"

"Oceanside."

"Address?"

"I don't know… just drop me off in the centre or something."

"You got it. It's fare and half, seeing we're driving through the apocalypse."

….

It might as well be the fucking apocalypse. The storms got worse and the rain is just coming down in thick sheets. My hair is plastered to my face as I squint through the oncoming flood. Nowhere is open and there's no one around.

I wondered how the crazies were holding up at Michelson's... knowing Rebekkah she'll have everyone camped together in the TV room watching a movie. That sounded pretty good to be honest. After wondering around disoriented looking for a payphone, feeling like the only fish in the fucking aquarium I fall over for the second time. The wind was relentless.

I was hell and the hell for once wasn't myself. Even if the rain would let up I couldn't light a cigarette, my hands were frozen and shaking.

"Oh god." I cry trying to get back on my feet. Falling into puddles didn't really make a difference, I couldn't get any wetter. I deserved this. I left Tate, I left Caroline, I just let people down, "Just kill me already."

I stumble further around the empty streets until I finally find a pay phone and dive inside. My hands were red and sore from the cold and I drop the book. I end up using every swearword I have in my vocabulary going through the fucking thing.

I begin to worry he's not listed but then my finger traces over his name and address. I rip out the page and brace myself for the storm.

….

More wondering around, more falling over so I actually slice my hand open, more pointless screaming at the sky because fuck everything, fuck absolutely everything and could I just die already?

I closer I got where his street should be the closer I got to the ocean. I remember he said he liked to surf… what if he'd evacuated somewhere else. I finally reach it and the sea comes into full view and it is furious. Furious at a safe distance though… hopefully it stayed that way. A stray trashcan rolls out of nowhere and knocks me down again, somehow smacking me in the ribs. I feel like crying and just lying there or wondering into the sea.

Suck it up, just fucking suck it up.

_16, number 16._

And then I find it. His house is a faded blue and smaller than the rest of the beach houses but I liked it. It had two floors, a balcony on the second. It looked like it could hold its ground. His curtains were closed but there was a dim light inside. I shouldn't be here. I should have waited in Carlsbad, gone back to the room when they left with Tate but it was too late now and this was the only option I had.

If I was numb form the cold but hot anxiety curled in my stomach as I trudged up his porch steps. My knocking was too modest that even I couldn't hear and I ended up battering it with my fists.

"Please, please, please. "I beg, slumping against the wall.

Light bathes my face. Blaine's outlined by light and he's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen especially as the storm rages behind me. He doesn't see me at first, his shoulders tensed up as he peers out at the night but then his gaze flicks down to me where I've slid down the wall.

He blinks.

"Jesus Christ!" he exclaims reaching down for me. He scoops me up before I realize what's happening, my face nuzzled into the warmth of his neck. He smells all fresh and incredible.

He carries me in and puts me down on the couch. It takes me a few second to let to unwrap my arms from around his neck, he's just so warm and comforting I don't want to let go.

"You're soaked." He stresses taking a blanket and wrapping it tightly around me and using the corner of it to wipe my wet face. I don't feel the cold, not anymore, "And you're shaking."

His eyes are really the prettiest green. They finally focus on mine as his frantic attempts to dry me subside.

"You swore."

He blinks, "What?"

I feel my face flood with heat, "You swore. You never swear…well I've never heard you swear…"

He's looking at me, concern and disbelief etched onto his face. He takes a deep breath, "You need to get out of these clothes. Before the rest of you turns blue. I'll get you something to wear."

He shows me to the bathroom and then leaves a change of clothes outside the door for me. I literally peel my clothes from my skin, trying to wring them out in his bath. Putting on dry cotton feels surreal and absolutely lovely. They smell like him. I have never been happier for socks.

I leave my clothes in his bath and pad down his stairs. I like his house, its homey.

He's making tea in the kitchen, I realise there are candles everywhere…the power must be out.

I stand silently in the archway of his kitchen until he realised I'm there.

"Thanks for the clothes." I say quietly.

He nods and everything suddenly feels awkward, "I left you a sweatshirt out."

"Thank you."

It's a Harvard one and I wonder if that's where he wants to go to train. He brings tea through and leaves mine down on his make shit table, a slab of wood held up by four book tiers. It should feel more surreal but I can't help but feel happy.

"What were you thinking?" he suddenly asks. I'm about to ask what he means when he steams on, "You just disappeared! And Tate Langdon disappeared to and we all knew that wasn't a coincidence but I sure as hell hoped it were." He pushes off the coach and walks away running his hand through his curls and then over his face, "Why?"

His jaws tense and I realise he's pretty angry. Well… he was hardly going to be happy to see me.

I shrug, "I thought it was the best thing to do."

"The best… I have been going out of mind! Caroline's been blaming herself! Jesus Christ you can't just pull things like that! And your mom… and that storm! You were out in that, you could have died!" He seems lost for words and runs his hands through his already chaotic hair.

"I'm sorry."

"Tate Langdon! Do you know how dangerous that was? I mean do you have absolutely no regard for your wellbeing and how the people around you? Fuck if he hurt you…" he's at a loss for words again and the frustration gets to him so he ends up kicking a wooden set of drawers.

I don't know what to say and he takes a deep breath, coming to kneel in front of me, "I'm sorry, I'm just, I was worried."

"I'm sorry."

He shakes his head like doesn't know what to do with me and then he leans up to wrap his arms around me, "I'm just so relieved you're okay."

I wrap my arms around his shoulders and bury my face in his neck. I resist the urge to kiss his skin pressed against my lips, he smells like lemon.

***

WOOO :D


	12. Chapter 12

"Ow." I hiss recoiling back but Blaine holds my wrist firmly as he applies disinfectant to my hand.

"Well that's what you get when you run around in storms." He says dismissively and I glare at him. He was still a little pissed at me so naturally I get defensive and pissed off right back at him.

"I said I was sorry." I grit out. He glances up at me from dressing the angry slice and shakes his head, "I called Klaus. He knows I'm fine and he got Tate and-"

"You should have waited for Klaus. We don't know if he has Tate. He doesn't know your fine. He thinks you're out in that and with the power out I can't even call him and if I could I don't know how I'd explain why you're here."

Ow.

"Sorry."

"Obviously I'm glad you're here so don't have any ideas about running off or I'll have to lock the doors."

I try not to grin but it's proving difficult. I change the subject, "He'll have gotten to Tate. The paramedics turned up and Tate was out cold."

He makes a humming noise as he fastens the bandage.

"What?"

He huffs, "I don't particularly care if Tate's safe. That might be wrong to say or even feel but it's what I think…at the moment anyway." He strides off with the soiled cleaning supplies and dumps them in the trash.

Well that struck a chord. I wanted Tate to be safe. It also sat wrong with me because it was out of character…Blaine cared about everyone. That just can't be because I ran off with him. I follow him into the kitchen, "What did you mean by that?"

He has his back turned to be and his shoulders are tense. He turns around slowly and folds his arms.

"Do you remember Flora? She brought Tate to the kitchen when we were baking?" I nod, nervous at where this was going. His chest heaves as if he's trying to calm himself, "She's dead."

My eyebrows shoot up in surprise, I wasn't expecting that.

"What are you saying? Tate killed her?" I ask my tone blatantly sardonic.

"No. Tyler Lockwood did. Tate's name happened to come up when he was being interrogated."

My head suddenly feels very light and I grasp his counter top, the conversation in Klaus' study replaying in my head.

"He triggered him. That's what he wanted." I say but the words don't seem to quite click with the situation, how could that woman just be dead? How could anyone just be dead? How could they leave us and change everything.

"Did he now?"

My eyes flick up and collide with Blaine's hard emerald gaze. His gaze was weighing down on me. I turn and head back into the living room to get away from it.

"Niamh." My name sounds like a demand as he follows me. I sit at the furthest end of the couch. I pull my knees up and rest my chin on them, staring ahead at the shadowed room.

"Did he tell you about Flora?"

The candles in the room flicker in response to the howling and cracking noises from Mother Nature beyond the window.

"Niamh?" I sense him sit down on the arm rest at the further end but I could ignore him. He wasn't there if I ignored him, he didn't matter. The first time I realised this was at _his_ funeral. So many people were looking at me, even when they weren't speaking to me and I think it was because Mom hadn't spoken for days, and they were waiting for someone to start exploding in unapologetic grief because that was the expected thing. It didn't happen though. I smiled and said thank you when they said they were sorry for my 'loss'. They didn't approach her at all.

He said something else but it floated past me. I was letting my vision become stretched and blurred as I fixated on a candle flame. A loud cracking makes me jump out of my skin. Blaine's leaning down and has his hands clasped inches from my face.

"Listening now?" My muscles seize up and I clench my jaw, "Good."

He sits down beside me and my body instinctually tenses.

"C'mon talk to me. Did Tate tell you about what happened? Is that why you ran?"

I ignore his questions and lean forward and pick my tea of the table. It was barely warm.

"Niamh-"

"What does it matter? Huh? She's dead, that's it, nothing. What's the point?" A laugh slipped out of my mouth but it was as bleak as a dead Christmas tree. I took a gulp of my lukewarm drink.

"Yes she is but you have to talk about-"

"I don't have to do anything, especially not with _you_." The venom in my voice could dissolve steal so therefore it could burn Blaine with his inherent culpability. But when I saw the effect of it on his face it began to sting me too.

He runs a hand over his mouth and then behind his neck, "No you don't." he says with resolution. I wished he hadn't. His eyes lock with mine and the room begins to blur, like I was staring at the candle again. It would melt away all together if I weren't so miserable. I look away. He had a few photo frames on his mantle but I couldn't see them, his fire was dying out.

"But you can, talk to me I mean" He says.

"I don't need to."

"Yes you do. Talk to me, I want to help."

Now I was exasperated, "What do you think I have to tell you?" She was his damn friend if even that, I met the woman once. I didn't understand what the hell he was pushing for.

"Why you had to get away from him. Run out into that." And on queue the storm raged louder. A noise I suspected to be a trashcan was thrown past the house.

"Why does it matter?"

"Because I care."

"Really? Sure it isn't because you're missing vital time with the inmates? Training time?"

The anticipation of him to finally retaliate squeezes my chest.

"You know that isn't true." He replies, his gaze underlining his sincerity.

"Whatever." I wished I had cigarettes.

"I'm your friend." He says firmly.

"So?"

"So you have to believe you can trust me."

"Fine I trust you. I don't have to tell you though."

"You realise you just completely contradicted yourself?"

"I'm mad I'm allowed to."

"You're not mad!"

"Really?" I explode and he leans back in shock, "I don't have a screw loose? So why do I find myself crying sometimes just because I'm awake? Or making people's lives so fucking hard just because I can't hold a conversation right? Or sneaking drugs into a mentally impaired hospital? Or running away with the worst of them all? After I screwed him on Klaus' desk, _after_ he triggered Tyler. DOES THAT NOT MEAN I'M MAD?"

His eyebrows were knitted together and his face was taut, "No."

"Well fuck you Blaine."

I storm into his kitchen to get away from him. How he could he say that? What other explanation did I have to do those things, do to do what I do? I spot his cigarette carton beside the waffle iron and snatch them up. I exhale, enjoying the familiar calming haze running through my veins as he comes in behind me. A clawing sensation run up my back, he knows about me and Tate. I'd lost him like I'd lost Caroline.

"You're not insane."

"So I'm just a walking personification of depravity."

He sighs, "No."

"Then what?!" I yell spinning around to face, "dear God tell me so I walk out of Michelson's and Klaus can deem you Dr. Freud."

His face was still tight but still he had the patience of a saint. I wondered how far I'd have to push it. He folds his arms, "You have a lot you're refusing to deal with and adding to it. You're hurt."

"Well that's original. I'm going to guess you'll not be getting that doctorate anytime soon."

Silence expands between us. A tremor runs through my body in shame of hurling insults at him. I take a long draw to settle them and that's when I realise my hands are shaking.

"Niamh-"

The window over that I'm standing by bursts open. The sound of splintering glass pierces through the room, bringing with it the louder howling of the wind. I let out a shriek as cold wind throws my hair around my face. Strong arms pick me up without effort and pull me to the other side of the room. I wrap my arms around my waist as I watch Blaine dart into the hall at the back of the kitchen, bringing back a large plank of wood to board up the window. He'd been prepared. He holds the wood in place with his forearm and reaches for the drill on the other side of the sink. I stand rooted to the spot and watch him being capable, doing what needs to be done, a stark contrast to me.

It's when he's brushing up the glass on the floor I finally speak, "Sorry."

His head tilts up with a questioning look.

"I dropped the cigarette." I explain motioning to the stick mixed with ashes and glass on the floor.

"Don't worry about it."

When he's done he comes to stand in front of me and I look back to the living room. The fire was just embers.

"Your cheek got cut." He says.

I touch my face and sure enough there's blood on my fingertips, "Huh."

"Come here." He says softly taking my arm and leading me back to the couch, "There's better light in here. I'll get the first aid kit, stay here."

The storms fury circles around the house, it was getting worse. The noise along with the dark was getting to me, sending a shiver crawling up my back. I started stuffing the stocked rags of newspapers in to the fireplace's mouth and lit a match trying to get it to catch.

"You need the lighter fluid." He says quietly making me jump and drop the match.

"Damn it."

"I'll do it." He says snatching the match up and throwing it on the pile. He takes a white bottle and squirts a small amount onto the paper. He lights another match and throws it on, instantly igniting flames. He clicks open the kit and takes out the disinfectant.

"You're always cleaning up my messes."

He doesn't reply. He takes my chin between his fingers to tilt it towards the light. An electric pulse creeps under my skin from his touch and I pull away, "I can do it."

"Niamh you can't see." He sighs.

"Doesn't matter."

"Stop being unnecessarily difficult." He responds flatly and pulls me closer again.

The flux begins again, and gets steadily more intense. Looking at his gorgeous face I fight to suppress something, just something, doing something stupid. The soft glow of the fire only accentuated his features, the gold flecks in his eyes glinted when he blinked. His raven hair just seemed more lustrous, and when he tilted his head a curl fell over his forehead. I wanted to brush it back.

My cheek was stinging under his mending but I didn't care.

"You shouldn't be so nice to me."

"Whys that?" he asks

"Because I'm a bitch."

"You do a great impersonation of one."

My lips quirk up and his eye flick to mine. The charge gets stronger.

"Have you got it out of your system then?"

"I think so."

"Good."

His thumb strokes over my chin and his eyes became softer, "Talk to me."

I lean back out of his grasp and lean against the couch. A rolling tide of exhaustion settles over me. I couldn't fight with him anymore. My stomach picks its moment to growl, a very pathetic one compared to the noise around us.

"When was the last time you ate?"

"This morning." I murmur.

"I'm going to make you a sandwich, you're going to eat it and then we're going to talk."

I take in his subdued but decided expression. Nerves flutter in my stomach because we were going to come to that pivotal point no matter how much I tried to argue with him. I didn't want to argue anymore even though he'd never look at me the same. Then again it didn't matter did it? I was never going to have him, which was the reality of things. Reality was something I liked to evade.

"Okay." I agree quietly. For the first time I didn't feel stuck in the battle. I felt defeated.

I ate my food slowly and when I swallowed by last mouthful I immediately picked up my fresh cup of tea. He didn't say anything to urge the subject, he didn't have to. Patient asshole.

"How's are your arm?" he asks randomly. He takes a bite of his sandwich and looks up at me. That was distracting.

"What?"

"The last time we spoke…" he trails off and smiles apologetically.

Oh right, the bandaged embodiment of weakness on my arm, "Fine."

I'd forgotten all about it but now that he brought it up it throbbed angrily. I suppose falling around in a hurricane wasn't helpful to the healing process.

"May I?" he asks holding out his hand. I reluctantly hold it out to him. He takes my hand gently and scoots over so he can push the sleeve up. I don't watch him do it but instead I try and make out the figures in his pictures.

"You need a new bandage." His tone was coated in soft amusement and I glance down to find the dressing soiled and raggedy.

"Yes nurse." I retort and he smirks up at me. He begins unrevealing the slack binding and I think about how he treated the mark last time. I stare up at his lips and become mesmerised until he sucks in breath between his teeth. I glance down at the bruise that caused him more discomfort than it did me, "It's fine it doesn't hurt much."

"You'd tell me that anyway." He reaches for the first aid kit again and lightly dabs a cream over the discoloured flesh.

"You'd fallen out with Caroline, that's why you did this?" he asks softly.

"Yano the last thing I said to her was to go be someone else's friend."

"Before you left?"

"She was rooming with Violet so it was happening anyway."

"What was happening?"

"She was leaving me."

His eyebrows knit together as he starts to bind the dressing, "What do you mean?"

I shrug, "I let her down so she didn't need me anymore."

"And how do you figure that?" he asks as he finishes fastening the bandage. His fingertips remain lightly over it when he's done and his full attention is on me.

"I didn't just runaway with Tate randomly Blaine. I've known him for a while."

A muscle ticks in his jaw and when he speaks its evident he's controlling his tone, "We feared that. I thought your reaction to him in the kitchen was natural, I ignored my instinct. Then Klaus was calling us to his office and Tate's cell was being searched, guess he's better at hiding his tools than we give him credit for." He wasn't looking at me anymore but over my shoulder, "Two days later a nurse is dead and you've both disappeared."

"They gave him shocks."

His eyes flash to me and I realise it sounds like I'm defending him, hell maybe I was.

"Did he tell you that?"

"Yes. But I also saw it on his file in Ben's office." I admit.

He's quiet for a moment as he studies me before asking, "Did he tell you about triggering Tyler or were you really there."

Now I didn't look at him. My voice is almost inaudible over the storm, "I was there."

"And did…did you mean what you said about the, about the circumstances that followed?"

He wasn't asking as an orderly or as a friend. That was question that protruded from our blurry line. I didn't have to answer but not answering spoke louder volumes I figured, "Yes." He pulls away from me then shaking his head. His fingers run over his face and then into his hair as his head bows, "Why did you ask? Why would I lie about that?"

He lets out a small emotionless laugh, "I hoped you were."

"That's why Caroline couldn't be friends with me. She couldn't keep my secrets."

"How long has that been happening?"

"I met Tate after about a month."

"Jesus Christ." He lets out the same laugh again and shakes his head in disgust, "You're in that place to be protected and …" words seemed to evade him. He still wasn't looking at me.

"He never hurt me."

"You bet he did."

"No. No he didn't."

"Niamh" he begins like he's reasoning with a small child whilst containing hells fury, "Tate Langdon has been committed for ten years. I might not interact with him and you know why? Because I haven't had the level of training, self-defence being one of the requirements but another having to be trained to be psychologically sound and alert. Force is not his weapon."

He's staring at me with burning desire for me to comprehend what he's saying. Without blinking I answer simply, "Maybe he wouldn't be so angry if you weren't electrocuting him."

And that was the end of Blaine Andersons patience.

He sprang to his feet with a livid groan and strode away into the kitchen. Then something smashed. I got to my feet and trudged in after him. He was gripping the counter top but he must have sensed me because he spun around.

"I don't understand. Why defend him? Why feel the need to? I know you're not as disconnected as that so why pretend to be!" He rages.

"Because if he can't be justified then how can I?" I respond oddly calm, "He was my contingency plan. The person I feel almost equal to…he understands."

In the second his expression goes blank I thought he understood. But then he swears and fires another piece of crockery at the wall.

"You're comparing yourself to him? What the fuck Niamh?!" he demands. It's like an out of body experience seeing him so furious. I'm bewildered. "Two days! He's been with you two days and he's managed you make you feel degraded to-"

"He hasn't degraded me to anything! I know what I am!"

"His level? He's callous and you can relate to that? No you don't know what you are! You are completely blind it's ridiculous!"

And now he was insulting me. I felt about a centimetre tall, "I don't think you're qualified yet to make those sorts of opinions."

"He's responsible for a murder!" he splutters.

"Well so am I!" I scream and then clamp my hand over my mouth. Oh shit.

"Niamh!" he yells after me but I've bolted out of the room. Fight or flight. I chose flight. The pressure of the wind outside rammed against the door and pushed me back when I turned the handle. The ice-cold gale was a slap in the face but I'd rather face it than owner of the arms pulling me back.

"Get off! No!" I wrestle with his grip but it's futile. For one he couldn't hear me, I couldn't hear myself over the weather and two he was a hell of a lot stronger than I was. He slams the door and tries to reason with me but I needed out. The room was getting smaller and I needed out, the black was converging at the edges and wanted to pull me under.

"Stop it! Niamh!"

My arms become restricted to my sides and my instincts are struggling. I feel like I'm going to combust or drown, I need… pain. There's nothing but the struggle for a long time then slowly the pressure melts away, I can hear my breathing, my heart hammering in my chest, the floor beneath me and Blaine's arms around me.

"I need out." I whisper.

"If you disappear I'll look for you." His ragged breath is at my ear.

"Why."

"Nobody knows why when it comes to-when it comes to these things." He voice is urgent as he struggles trying to express himself, "After I'm with you I want to be with my guitar, create what you've put in my head. It's sad music but I find I'm in love with the sweetness of it."

His words are the unexpected remedy to relax my muscles and I go slack in his arms. I'm losing control but then again I never have it with him.

"I don't understand"

"Neither do I." he says with an attempt at humour in his voice, "maybe we'll figure it out."

I don't know why that's a relief, I don't know anything. Hearing him say he didn't understand either made me feel less like I was alone in the ocean, trying not to drown. He pulls me up and I avoid his eyes at all costs, my face burning and I want to run again. His fingertips stroke my hair away from my face before he cups it, I would have jumped through the roof if I wasn't so incoherent.

"Will you tell me what you meant?" He asks softly after a while. I bite my lip and shut my eyes as the pain vibrates through me. I want to but I can't, "Not now, someday."

"Someday." I nod and he pulls me into the secret circle of his arms and holds me tight. I was always going to suffer. If I could choose how I suffer then I'd choose him. And I'd try every day to be better.

With that new sense of purpose decided it gave room for more than 24hrs of exhaustion to crash down on me. I think I tried to tell him this but my voice was a far off mumble. Something soft and warm grazed my cheek, a permissible intimation to sink down into the less threatening dark.

Everything confuses me when I open my eyes. The room, the smell, the bed I'm in, the arm draped around my waist. For a moment I think I'm with Tate but then the storm rumbles from outside and I remember.

I freeze.

Blaine's arm was around my middle. It couldn't be. I peek over my shoulder and sure enough it is. Slowly I turn onto my back and attentively trace his forearm with my fingers, afraid I'll wake him. He must have carried me upstairs…I was in his bed. I was confused to why he was in it with me, had he finally decided to forget about his morals for a while? The distance between our bodies despite the contact tells me otherwise. My fingers glide further towards his bicep, his skin was so soft for a boy and he was warm even though the room was chilly outside the comforter. His other arm was tucked up under his head whilst he slept. I took the opportunity to appreciate his face without the confrontation of his gaze. He really was…beautiful. I didn't think boys could be but he was. It was in his thick, dark eyelashes and the faint creases of the lines on his face from smiling. I was overcome by a severe longing. We were so far away, and as if distance could solve the problem I inched closer until I could feel the warmth and Blaine-ish smell radiating off his chest.

"You're perfect." I tell him quietly, tracing patterns and shapes on his skin. I smirk as goodbumps rise and he hums in his sleep. I catch sight of his alarm clock which tells me its 4am… I'd been asleep for 13 hours. I felt… better even though my body ached.

Blaine's finger on my back twitch his sleep, as if he wants to trace patterns to. I start spelling out things on his arm.

"_I'm sorry."_

"_Thank you."_

"_I love your eyes."_

"_Caroline."_

"_I love y-"_

I freeze again as he stirs with a faint groan. He shifts onto his back simultaneously pulling me towards him and I giggle nervously. His eye flutter open and go wide as he catches sight of me, that creates more giggling.

"What's so funny?" he asks groggily and throws his arms above him to stretch. Nothing, nothing is funny. How was anything funny when his muscles were flexing and he was smiling in pleasure at the sensations? "Well?"

"Are we in your bed?" I blurt out.

He blinks and immediately looks uncomfortable. Shit, "Uh yeah. The couch pulls out but I was worried about more windows smashing…and you leaving."

Ah. Now I was uncomfortable. That was the reason his arm was around me.

"I should have stayed down there. Sorry. I can leave." He offers.

"No." I answer at once, "I like this."

He swallows, "All the more reason to."

"Don't you like this?" I ask quietly to hide my nerves. I peek up at him from under my lashes. His expression was tender but his eyes were tight. He took a deep breath as if to keep him-self in check. That moment, that flicker of hesitance was what I needed. I crawl up until I'm hovering over him and he falters again.

"Don't you like this?" I repeat softly, my gaze challenging his.

"Niamh." It sounds like he's pleading with me. His chest heaves drawing my attention to it. He only had a t-shirt on, a very thin material separating me from his body. I place my hand on his chest and drag it down slowly, from his heart, to the edge of the blanket and then under…

He hand grabs mine and I jump. The look on his face makes me think he's about to start shouting again and my breath catches in my throat. He yanks me towards him as he leans up and his mouth collides with mine.

My whole being reacts, live wires feel like them been lit under my skin and a magnetic pull screams to get closer. I savour the feel of his lips connected to mine before it ends and I take his bottom lip between mine, sucking on it. Sliding my hands up his neck and into his hair leaning closer to him so our chests brush together causes a moan low in my throat. His grip on my wait tightens and he pulls me closer and I throw my leg over his hip as falls back simultaneously sliding my body over his.

Feeling him flush against me is glorious and I want to get even closer. It seems he feels the same as one hand slides around my waist and pins me to him and his other goes to my hair. His kisses were intoxicating I was scared it was going to end, I didn't want it to ever end.

In the drunken haze I take his bottom lips between my teeth and his arm flexes as he holds me above him as his hips roll. The sensation running up my back stuns me and he leans up to coax my mouth back to his. My hands slide out of his locks to hold his face and my tongue runs across his bottom lip causing him to groan like a dying man and I take that opportunity to dip into his mouth.

Oh holy sweet Jesus.

My mind goes cloudy as my tongue sweeps over his and he tastes incredible. I feel high. His hand leaves my hair and runs down my sides before he firmly clasps my backside and rolls his hips again causing me to moan into his mouth. His sits up then, breaking our kiss and I feel dizzy but briefly worried he's about to end it. He pulls his shirt over his head and I'm dizzy again.

"Oh god" My voice is all breathy as I take in his naked torso. His hands slide over my cheeks pulling my attention back to his mouth. I explore his chest with my hands, running over his chest and feeling goosebumps rise on his soft skin. Down over his harder ab muscles and it was too overwhelming. I broke away from his lips in dire need of oxygen. I felt too hot under two layers of clothing, light headed. I convulsed against him when his attention went to my neck, digging my nails into his shoulders and he pulled my hips in response.

"I'm too warm." I murmur helpless. I reach between us to pull the sweat shirt up over my head. I still have a t-shirt on but I feel like I may as well be naked as his hands caress above my waist, the heat of his palms sinking through the material.

"Niamh" he says and his voice cracks in uncertainty. I lean my forehead against his, noses skimming and I smile listening to his ragged breathing. I place my hands over his and guide them upwards over the curve of my breasts until he's cupping me. He takes a steadying breath.

"It's just us." I say and he tilts his mouth up looking for mine. I push him back down into the bed simultaneously rotating my hips needing friction. He groans reciprocating the movement and then I feel him against my inner thigh.

Oh.

I smirk against his lips before giving one deeper kiss before breaking away. He looks up at me with glazed jade eyes, his chest rising and falling under my hand. I pull my hair over my shoulder as I duck to kiss his neck and descend south. Open mouth kisses down his chest, feeling his rapid heartbeat under my palm as his fingers run over my back. I'm sure he doesn't fully understand my intention yet. When I get to his waist, letting my tongue roll against his skin before sealing my lips over the spot, I hear him take in a sharp breath and his finger still as I curl mine into the waist band of his sweat pants.

Before he can protest I begin pulling them down so his erection springs free. I glance up as he takes a deep breath, running his hands over his face and then into his chaotic curls, his eyes flick down to meet mine. His expression is a mix between fear and pure lust. I place a soft kiss on his hip to reassure him before moving on to my main objective.

I just wanted to make him feel good.

My tongue tentatively flicks his swollen head. His skin is unbelievably soft, I love the texture. He sucks in a sharp breath, his body tensing. I can taste some of his pre-spendings on it. It doesn't taste bad, it tastes salty and Blaine-ish. My tongue darts out once again to lick the length of him and he moans softly. Once I reach the tip, I engulf the head in my mouth and suck the tip. I remember Jesse telling me that's where a guy is most sensitive.

My cheeks are indented as I suck him gently. I slowly begin to take more of him in my mouth until he reaches my throat. I bob my head slightly up and down trying to get used to the movement. I start to suck with my tongue up against him. I hear Blaine gasping like he's running out of oxygen. It's the sound of success. A string of curses mixed with my name leave his lips between little moans.

When I peek up Blaine is looking down at me through hooded eyes. He starts groaning, much louder than ever before. It's a little intimidating doing this while he studies me closely, but I push the thought aside and roll my tongue against his firm length and he groans. The noise is so sexy, so raw that I take I start to suck him harder and faster as I'm figuring out what he likes more. I can tell now since he's being vocal. Massaging him with my tongue while I suck, I use my hand to stroke the rest of his length that won't fit in my mouth.

"N-i-a-m-h." He says drawn out. "I, wha-, oh-." Blaine is stuttering and losing it. He has his eyes shut and his lips are parted as he takes quick shallow breaths.

I think he's getting close because his hands are clutching the mattress. I push him further down my mouth until he hits my throat and I bob back up again. I repeat the motion a few times before pausing when his tip is at the back of my throat. I suction him as I slowly withdraw until only the head remains my mouth. I swirl my tongue around the head and attempt to repeat the process.

"Jesus Christ." I hear Blaine say roughly. His hands come down to tangle in my hair. At first he's playing with my hair, but then his fingers tighten around my locks.

Unexpectedly, Blaine thrusts his hips into my mouth. I'm not afraid; to my surprise I'm quite aroused. I feel his penis sliding in and out of my mouth, touching the sides of my cheeks. I'm curious to know how far this will go. I test this new scenario by making a sucking motion with my mouth as he continues to roll his hips. Despite the situation I feel empowered. He's more vocal now saying sweet nothings to me; saying how amazing it feels.

"Jesus…Niamh…fuck." Blaine says through a series of gasps. A familiar bell goes off in my mind at his strained tone and the erratic rolling of his hips. He's about to come undone. He's still gripping my hair though, not tight or anything so I could pull away if I wanted to. I'd never swallowed before with Jesse but this was different, I wasn't mortified by the idea of it… I was curious. And I wanted to please him… what if he thought I was gross afterwards. I was running out of time to decide as Blaine's body starts to convulse and his pleasured moans were becoming scattered amongst gasps. Then it happens, warm salty liquid shoots over my tongue. I grimace and swallow the sticky substance.

After a few seconds his body relaxes but still shudders, especially when I draw my mouth off of him, kissing his hip again. His breathing shallow and his fingers run through my hair, over my neck, ticking me. I kiss back up the trail I came down until I reach just under his ear. His hands run up and down my back, slipping under the edge of his t-shirt. His fingertips on my skin burn like hot wax dripping off a candle.

"Blaine." I say quietly. He hums quietly tilting his face toward me, his eyes were closed and I feel smug at his blissful expression, "Can I- can I kiss you?"

He chuckles at my question, his eyes drifting open to give me curious look. He flips us over so I'm pinned under him and his nose skims mine.

"You don't have to ask." He murmurs before taking my bottom lip between his.

Erm, so, sexcapades.

Sexcapades aren't over.

R.I.P reality Niamh.

;)


	13. Chapter 13

He was kissing the curve of my lips and the realization of where I was and how it made me feel just made a grin curve itself into our kiss. I had just made Blaine have an orgasm, I had made him feel an extreme amount of pleasure and did I feel smug. If I'd known how being self-righteous actually made you feel I wouldn't have spent so long mocking girls about it. Although, I'm pretty sure most girls at the country club were smug about fund raising and not blow jobs. They would have been if it were someone like Blaine.

"What are you smiling about?" He murmurs against my cheek.

"You." I reply, pride evident in my voice. He leans back to look at me quizzically.

Some days I felt nothing at all and some days I felt things all at once. I was either drowning or dying from thirst but now, with him looking down at me with curiosity gleaming in his eyes and in the quirk of his lips, I felt neither of those things. I was floating on the surface, the sun warming my face. How long before my heart turned to lead and pulled me down though?

"I'm happy" I shrug, trying to hide how significant this statement was. He however wasn't going to let it pass.

"That's the best thing I've heard in a long time."

I wanted to reply the sounds he'd been making before were the best thing I'd heard in a long time but I thought it might somewhat ruin the moment. Instead I kissed him, just a faint whisper of a kiss but then he returned it as if exclaiming something exciting.

It was when I tried to shimmy out of his borrowed sweatpants that his fingers circles my wrists and pulled them away from their objective.

"What?" I asked breathlessly and then pouted when he rolled over onto his side. I missed the weight of him instantly, like having you blanket jerked off you in the morning.

"Not tonight." He answered gently.

A pang of hurt flitted through my chest but I tried to keep my face composed, "Why not?"

"It's not the right time. Not for that." He said gently, tucking strand of hair behind my ear.

I glanced sceptically over his naked torso and tried to load every ounce of sarcasm I could muster into my response, "Oh really?"

"Niamh." He said sounding tired and disapproving.

"Why not?" I urged and tried to capture his mouth but he leaned back further into the pillows.

"No."

Fire crept into my cheeks and a golf ball decided to lodge itself in my throat, "You regret it don't you? All of it. I'm so stupid."

"Not at all, I just don't want-"

A huge swell of anger bubbled from my core and came blurting out, "As long as you got what you wanted."

He looked like I slapped him. Asshole.

"What no, I want to, of course I want to-"

I snatched up his sweat shirt and pulled it over me and climbed out of the bed. I walked aimlessly over to closed shutters that hid the storm from view but I could still hear it. The whistling of air scraping past his house, angry, tormented. Funny how when I'd been distracted the storm ceased to exist, the small burning anxiety from its fury ceased and lashes of it became white noise. And although I couldn't see the storm it was still there, still screaming to be heard… but everyone in town had tried to shut it out.

Nobody ever paid attention until it was too late to ignore the storm.

I heard the floor board creek and I didn't want to try to touch me, to calm me down. I was calm. He was like everyone else, just using people. He had his sweat pants back on to but his chest was bare. It was distracting.

His face was pinched and his chest rose and fell before he spoke, "It shouldn't have happened. I should have stopped it and it's my fault. I'm sorry I've made you feel…used or embarrassed."

Even though that's exactly what I felt I wouldn't to defend I didn't feel that way at all. How dare he?

"Well telling me you regret it just made it absolutely worse. Thank you."

"I've upset you, of course I regret it. I led on false pretences that we were going to sleep together."

"So you let me go down on you but sleeping together is crossing the line. What a fantastic moral compass that is, be really handy in your line of work" I ranted acidly. His expression was transforming from being ashamed to stony and this gave me a great deal of satisfaction. "Or is it because you're a virgin or something?"

"I'm sorry." He said evenly, "That I offended you but Niamh it shouldn't happen like this. Not because it's the first time we're alone together or because we're afraid it could be the last."

"I couldn't care less if it's the last time we're alone together." There was a voice in the back of my head chastising me for being a cruel bitch but I was too angry to listen.

"All the more reason to make things more intimate, especially if it won't count for anything." He replied curtly.

"How sentimental of you."

"Things like this should count Niamh."

"You're such a hypocrite! So sex counts but everything else doesn't? You sound like this stuck up catholic school girl I used to know."

He ran his hands over his face, "That's not what I meant." He groaned.

"Well maybe you should make it clearer!"

"I don't want you to regret it!" he half shouted back at me.

Now I was exasperated, "If you didn't notice I was fully involved in the situation so I don't think it was something I was going to regret. Until now."

He crossed his arms and gave me a fixed stare. Why hadn't he lost his temper already? Was it the lack of crockery in the room for him to throw? Maybe I should tell him about how Tate was never hesitant to get _intimate_.

"Say we had sex and then I take you back to the institute tomorrow. I get switched to a different shift, to a different ward and I don't see you for months. Are you telling me you wouldn't regret it then? Or when you recover? Why would you ever want to see me again if I took advantage of this situation?"

"If I'm not going to see you for months then tonight would count more than ever!" I tried to defend but something told me this argument was invalid.

"You like me now but what if things change in a few weeks? Or in a few hours after we've spent more time together. I don't want a one night stand with you. I wouldn't forgive myself for it so that's why I'm saying no."

"You're saying 'no' because _you'd_ regret it not because I would. You want to but you believe you have ethics but you don't, you're just being a coward." I wasn't even sure if I was making sense but I couldn't shut up.

He turned away and strode toward the door.

"Where are going?" I demanded.

"As far away from you as I can possible get." He replied clicking the door gently shut behind him. I was infuriated and looked around for something to throw. All I could find was one of his shoes and I didn't even hear it connect to the door because of the wind. I screamed into his pillow instead but that just smelt of him and then I wanted to cry. I was simultaneously furious with myself, for wanting to cry, for shouting at him, for making him unable to stand the sight if me, for always ruining everything and that all became compressed into a thundering pain in my head that moved like a beating drum.

Then I remembered I'd played a part in killing someone else.

It was becoming evidently clearer that if I'd succeeded in August things would be a lot better.

The icy numbness had set in when I faintly heard the bedroom door open. I felt like a slab of cold concrete so I didn't move to acknowledge I'd heard him. The bed dipped as he sat down behind me. I stared blankly at the opposite wall.

"I'm sorry, it's completely my fault." My face scrunched up in response to that, he was ridiculous, but still no words came, only a dull ache of guilt. He then added, "Do you want me to leave?"

"No." My voice responds instantly having no consent from me. After an awkward pause I feel him shift to lie down.

The silence became filled with awkwardness that was almost palpable in a way that if I didn't get rid of it I was going to start screaming because I was pretty sure I had allotted time to make this right before he started to resent me. I couldn't bare that

I shifted slowly onto my back, like I used to do when our dog lay at the end of the bed and I didn't want to disturb him. Mom had gotten rid of him three days after the funeral and the fight that followed was apparently a verbal nuclear war. I don't remember much of that night though, or a lot of nights for that matter.

"Do you remember what I told you before?" I begin timidly staring at the waistband of his sweats. He hadn't put a shirt back on and I tried to not stare too fixedly on his hips where the material hugged him. I could feel his eyes on me and I swallowed before continuing, "About being sorry that I'm hard to talk to? That apology is always standing."

The plane of his stomach met my view as he turned onto his side, the faint lines of muscle not shifting into a lazier position but staying firm. That was the last thing I thought of as his finger curled under my chin and turned my face up.

I wilted a little under his steady gaze although there was no anger there, "Stop apologising for feeling how you feel."

"But I was way out of order."

"Maybe. But initially you have every right to be angry with me. I'm angry with myself" he gives a short laugh, void of any humour, "I blurred the lines by sleeping up here, by kissing you…and the worst part I should feel avidly regretful but I'm not. I'm not regretful of how I feel about you but I am sorry that I've taken advantage of the situation." He silences me with a look when I open my mouth to protest, "Niamh you are not well. When it comes down to it you're not and that makes me no better than Tate Langdon."

"Is that why you won't sleep with me because of Tate?" I ask barely audible. I didn't want to ask but I had to know.

His eyes become hard at the mention of my other conquest and a muscle in his jaw ticks. His voice is controlled, "Partly, it sort intertwines with the reason I give you before. You've been with _him _and I'm not as naive to think that was the only time, especially as you've been him these past couple of days." He sounded neutral, and not somewhat disgusted, not at all reflecting what I felt about about my behaviour. Maybe I was harsh enough for both of us, "And that look on your face tells me it's something you regret, "And that look on your face tells me it's something you regret, you might care for Tate but you regret that right?"

I nod unable to speak and I notice some tension leaves his body. I wonder would he have finally lost it if my answer had been different.

"I don't want you to regret me, as selfish as it is." He says playing with my fingers. "And I don't want to regret it either, no matter how insistent or _persuasive_ you may be. I can't"

I'm not sure what to say, which isn't a common occurrence but now it was like being plunged into open water , with land nowhere in sight.

"I wouldn't regret you, in fact it would be the other way around." I tell him with burning embarrassment, realizing that had been one of reasons for always thundering towards everything. Before anyone could change their mind, before anyone began to think, before someone realised it was me and it wasn't worth it, so I could regret them first before they regretted me. It's harder to stop the drop of the cliff when you're already in the free-fall.

He sighed like he had the weight of the world and the whole universe on his shoulders, "and how could we go through with it when you don't even trust me enough with yourself?"

"I do trust you." I protested to which he just smiled and shook his head sadly.

"Not with your feelings you don't and I'm not saying you should, we don't really know each too well do we? But like I said, I want it to mean something; at least I don't want either of us to walk away with regrets."

Blaine Anderson. The most peculiar and noble person I had ever encountered. His candid outlook, motivations and illuminated in the air around us and a part of me could only be suspicious.

"You look like I just told you that I eat out of the garbage." He says softly, his tone amused but the curiously was prominent.

"I just…don't understand." Or believe you I wanted to add. I believed he believed what he was saying but doesn't everyone say what they think they mean until circumstance or feelings change and they do the opposite.

"Layman's terms? I'm not sleeping with you whilst you're unwell and I haven't even taken you on a date. Okay?"

"Just sexual favours?" It was interesting, even in the dim light, to see him turn scarlet. Maybe I shouldn't have said that. He started rubbing his hands over his face like he could wipe out the embarrassment.

"Sorry." I muttered.

"God what must you think of me." Came his muffled reply, shame blossoming in it.

"That I'd do it again." I answered trying to lighten the moment. I probably should have apologised, or assured him…like a normal person. Fuck. He was going to think I was sex obsessed.

"Niamh." He groaned, pleading with me to stop it from behind his hands.

"It's not my fault, you should cover your arms."

"I should? What?" He said taking his hand away from his face and scanning his biceps which only made there muscle roll under his skin.

"They're particularly alluring." I murmured and then pointedly let my gaze trail down his naked abdomen. I look back to find him scarlet again and I grin as he reaches for a shirt off the floor.

"And here I was thinking you were the one needing protecting from me."

I bite my lip so I can't reply to that but it seems it has more of an effect on him than words would have as his eyes darken to burning emeralds.

"We should go back to sleep." He says in a low voice like soft velvet, those eyes never leaving mine.

"I'm not tired." I respond holding his gaze. _Can I kiss you? You don't have to ask. _He'd said that and I wondered if that still stood but before I could lean across and find out he looked way.

"I'll go downstairs. " He murmurs, "See if any of the powers back or the phone's working."

"Weren't you just down there?"

He shakes his head sheepishly, "I was out in the hall."

"As far away from me as you could possible get I thought you'd said." I smirked jokingly; just glad the argument was over.

He didn't return my joking manner though," I'll never go too far. I'll always be here when you need me."

And with that he went out in the hall, closing the bedroom door behind him and leaving me a little stunned.

I couldn't sleep although I was tired. I wanted to wait him out, to feel him creeping back into the room and get back into bed. However when the glowing light of his clock read half six I conceded he wasn't coming back.

I couldn't sleep without him.

I crept down the bare wooden steps of his little home, feeling a sort of love for it. It was shabby and things were second-hand and well-worn out. It was a placed that was actually lived in, appreciated, loved. Compared to the hard, shiny and glaring spaces of my own house, everything was as twice as harsh because it was white, my mother thought it 'modern and fresh' but to me it was just alienating and intimidating. Blaine had mismatching furniture but it all fitted because it was all the things he liked, it made it his home, it reflected him. The step under me let out a creak and I froze. When there was no indication I'd been found out I leaned forward to peek into the living room. I expected him to be sitting with a cup of coffee but I'd been cheated out.

He was asleep on his worn out couch, having pulled it out into a bed. As I padded towards him I couldn't help but feel the wrongness of the situation, I had no right to see him at his most vulnerable, and he wasn't mine. I doubted Tate felt the same when he watched me sleep, then again he thought I was his. The thought makes me shiver and I drop down to the floor beside plan and shake his shoulder.

He stirs easily, the softness of his sleeping face being creased away as his eyes flutter open.

"What is it? What's wrong?" He asks in concern leaning up.

All of a sudden I felt like child, "I can't sleep."

He frowns, "Did you even try?"

I grin sheepishly and he rolls his eyes. He sits up groggily running his hands over his face.

"Will you come back upstairs to sleep, please?" I ask quietly pulling at the bare threads of his cushion. I can feel the weight of his disproval and see the tension in his body from the corner of my eye. Still playing with the thread I decide to go on like it's no big deal, "I'll be good, I promise. It's just I'm used to having someone with me, Caroline and having my sleeping tablets and the wind…" right on queue a painful yowling slid by the house.

I peek up at him and find him biting his lip as he mauls it over, clearly struggling. It was frustrating that when it came to us things had to be weighed up. Because I was a 'patient' and he was an 'orderly', why couldn't we just be us? This was my mom's fault, she committed me. I could have easily had weekly sessions with Ben.

_Well then you wouldn't have gone. You would have disappeared, lied, refused to go._

I shake my head to clear the thoughts out and twinge of pain ignites in my temple. I still had a headache.

"What is it?" I start realising his eyes were trained on me. My expression had given me away.

"Head hurts." I mutter rubbing my forehead. Without a word he gets up and disappears. I pull myself up on to the couch and he comes back with a glass of water and two white pills.

"One to sleep and one for the headache" he says quietly and sits down beside me.

He holds them out to me and I take them. They feel like they weigh a ton in my hand. I can feel him watching me.

"If I take these and fall asleep…will you stay with me?" I study the tablets as I speak. I don't know why I was even trying to concoct a bribe, I had no dice but the thought of falling into a medical induced sleep where I wouldn't wake for hours, alone, scared me.

"I'll stay with you." He answers softly.

I take a calming breath and then throw back the bitter pills. He feeds the fire that had reduced to an orange glow as I lay back on the couch. He hadn't said anything about going upstairs but I knew he didn't want to, his room was too intimate. Everything began to float away, my senses becoming softer at the edges and I crept towards sleep but I would hold off until he lay down.

"Blaine" I mumble.

"I'm here." He murmurs close to my ear and then I fall into nothingness.

My eyes felt heavy, like bruises were behind my eyeballs as I peered at Blaine's living room. I mentally curse myself for having woken up, loving how my limbs felt liquidised and warm, but the comfort was lulling me back to sleep. A faint breeze tickled my neck and I realised where the majority of my warmth was coming from. Blaine was nestled into my back, his arm curled around me again. I smiled nuzzling further into the cushion.

_Bang._

I nearly fell over the side of the make-shift bed. I pulled myself up which made Blaine's arm fall over my thighs. My heart was pounding in my chest. Minutes passed and I wondered if I had imagined the whole thing, was it some part of a dream? A dream I was descending back into… or maybe it was just a part of the storm. The wind still whistled and I could faintly hear the whooshing of the ocean but it had seemed to have calmed down to only having an irritated temper and not a full blown fury.

I glanced down at Blaine, his arm now slung protectively over my thighs instead of my waist, his hair a mess of onyx curls and his face softened by sleep. I started to slide back down into the previous position, happy that we somehow fit perfectly in the spooning scenario.

An almighty bang sounded from the kitchen and someone swore loudly. This time I really did fall out of the bed.

"Blaine." I shouted out terrified, scrambling up from the floor.

He was already sitting bolt upright and climbing out of the bed. He reached for a poker from the fire cursing. We were about to be attacked by looters or hobo's or worse. I felt my blood run cold as I envisioned Tate stepping out of the narrow archway that led to the kitchen. Blaine held the poker behind him, poised ready to swing whilst I backed up to the front of the room. I could feel the ice-cold glass through the material of his curtains and it sent a jolt of sobriety through me. Blaine inched toward the kitchen. The howling was stifled as the unseen door in the kitchen was forced shut followed by someone muttering a string of profanities.

Blood pounded in my ears. Blaine was almost at the archway when a figure stepped out from behind it, already in mid-sentence.

"Dude I think your spare key got blown away, I fucking fell over and hit my head looking-" The guy had his thumb jabbed over his shoulder as if indicating this all had taken place in the kitchen and he hadn't been looking at Blaine when he was retelling this but upon glancing into the living room he stopped talking. The broad shouldered, tall and blonde boy looked from me, to Blaine, to the poker, and smiled.

There was a strained pause and then Blaine dropped the poker to his side and inhaled sharply, "Sam what the hell are you doing?"

"Came to see if you were still alive." The blonde replied easily, his shoulders shaking from the effort to not laugh.

"Sam its nuts out there, you should have stayed home." Blaine replied throwing the poker in the direction of the fireplace.

"No can do, my place is like Noah's ark." He said stepping into the room. He was completely soaked, water running down his face like he'd just stepped out of a shower, hair plastered to his head and rain jeweling his eyelashes.

"What?" Blaine asked sounding aggravated. I'd never heard him…being rude to someone before.

"Well I took one cat in and then ended up with the whole neighbourhood. I think they talk…like homeless people talk about soup kitchens." Same replied casually, shaking a hand through his hair so droplets rained everywhere and his hair so it became a dark golden frenzy.

Blaine looked baffled, "So you can't go home because your place is overrun with cats?"

Sam flung himself down onto an arm chair looking the picture of ease even though he was soaked, "There's also a dog and fuck they don't like each other. I had to get out man so I thought I'd come and see how you were holding up."

I couldn't help but giggle at the absurdity of his story which brought me to his attention.

He raised a hand and waved lazily, "Oh hey there." He turned to Blaine, "So I didn't have to worry too much about you being in the apocalypse, you had company."

"No you didn't. You could have stayed with the cats."

"You are so ungrateful. You're only friend braved the end of the world in an expedition to make sure you were unscathed, that this shack hadn't collapsed on you."

Blaine blinked, "First, it is not a shack and second, you are not my only friend."

"Do you see anyone else fighting hell or high water to get here?"

"I did." I blurted out before I realised what I was doing. I never talked around new people, not without liquid encouragement or other contraband.

Sam glanced over to me, "Shhh, I'm arguing my point." He didn't say it nastily; his voice was filled with amusement. He was so likeable, I smiled back at him.

"God don't encourage hm." Blaine pleaded.

"I bet he was all polite and courteous when you turned up." Sam said to me with a mock critical glance at Blaine, "then you get to know him and then my do things change."

Blaine just stared at him like he was a six foot puzzle.

"Where is the tea and crumpets?" Sam declared gesturing to the table.

This was all so bizarre that I giggled again. Blaine shot me a look and I covered my mouth with my hand. Sam was grinning to. Blaine fixed his friend a pointed stare and asked evenly, "Samuel, are you high?"

"A lil bit." He sighed unashamedly. Blaine shook his head exasperated and my laughter bubbled out from behind my fingers. Sam gave me a warm smile. He was enjoying himself immensely.

"So about the tea and crumpets, I'd settle for coffee and toast…" Sam said.

"You didn't come to check on me at all did you? You have no food at yours." Blaine speculated in a flat voice.

"It's a half and half really." Sam replied unfazed, "I was sitting with Henry, the black cat, and realised l all had left was that jar of fuzzy, brown stuff in the fridge. Henry ate the left over Chinese, did you know cats like curry? Anyways then I started to panic and they were all meowing and I had no food. There could have been a rebellion, the weathers already set for it. So I was thinking about Bacon and I ended up thinking about you and then I remembered your infinity with bacon. But then I thought, 'what if his shack has collapsed? What would happen to the bacon?' So I abdicated my position and left Henry to rule the rest of them, they might have killed the dog. And then I get here, you've locked the friggen door and I had to bust in the back."

He finished in a dramatic sigh, his gaze trailing along the ceiling. Was I this creative when I was high? Blaine opened and shut his mouth a couple of times. He looked to me for help but I was just as much at a loss, hey it was his friend.

"I'll make some tea." Blaine finally said, retreating into the kitchen.

"And toast!" Sam called after having perked up. He was sitting up now and looking at me curiously.

"So what's your name?" he asked happily.

"Niamh" I answered feeling a little awkward.

"Is that Elfish?" he asked casually.

"Er no, Irish…I think."

"No pretty sure it's elfish. I like it anyways."

"Um, okay. Do you want me to get you a towel or something?"

Sam considered my question biting his lip and finally opened his mouth, "Do you think that storm is like spring break for dolphins?"

….

After Sam had changed into one of Blaine's sweat shirts that strained against his broad chest and decided the pants were equally too tight and exposed him too much, he decided to remain in his boxers whilst his clothes dried out. He sprawled out in the arm chair again and I passed him one of the blankets from the sofa bed.

"This is much better than being with henry" he yawned. I could only imagine.

Delicious smells wafted in from the kitchen and I wondered how Blaine was making anything without the electricity.

"So what have you crazy kids being doing by firelight?" Sam asked, raising an eyebrow. Despite being sprawled out on the armchair like a discarded blanket, along with seemingly having the nature of one, his question managed to make me feel uncomfortable.

I had to feign innocent and I had the perfect full proof answer, "Nothing."

A slow smile spread over his face, "Sure. Is it the passionate, wild and hot 'nothing' or is it the watershed, loving 'nothing'? Or both. Both are good, although" he paused looking thoughtful, "I'm not sure Blaine has it in him for both in one morning."

I could feel hades flames spreading over my face and the ridiculous urge to laugh plumed in my throat as Blaine came back carrying a tray laden with breakfasty type things, "Blaine doesn't have what in him in the morning?"

I started laughing and Sam's thoughtful expression disappeared and was replaced by a devilish grin. Blaine looked suspiciously from me to his friend before turning to me and saying, "Whatever he's said ignore it."

"Definitely doesn't have it." Sam sniggered reaching for a slice of toast.

"Whatever it is I probably do." Blaine retorted as Sam's snickers finally got under his skin.

Sam's eyes went wide and looked at me, "Looks like you're in luck."

"Oh my god." I muttered and sank down into the cushions as his laughter filled the room. Blaine looked perplexed and faintly irritated. He handed me a steaming mug before settling down at the other end of the bed.

"No bacon" Sam observed mournfully.

"Sorry to disappoint your highness." Blaine muttered behind his coffee cup.

"Iz alright." Sam replied chewing. He managed to inhale half the dinner plate of toast that Blaine had made.

I was sort of glad Sam had appeared, he brought a sort of lightness to the heavy atmosphere that enveloped me and Blaine. The tension that hung in air between conversations because we purposefully were trying to avoid as well as dissect what was going on between us. It had been a bizarre couple of days and juxtaposed sitting with an oblivious and happy friend of Blaine's only made it that more stranger. The way Blaine was around him too was weird to me, he was different. He was joking, sarcastic, mocking and playful as the discussed people and events I didn't know of. A side I didn't see, I didn't get to see because of what I was. Then I realised it was because people were dynamic, the posed different sides of themselves more prominently for different people. So even though you might think you know someone completely, you only know what they show you.

This revelation was so startling to me I didn't realise Sam had been talking to me. I was brought back to room after he hurtled a cushion at my head.

"Don't throw things at her." Blaine snapped.

"Ooooh touchy." Sam cooed at him which only made Blaine's jaw tighten. If I was going to know all of him, I was going to have to be around him a lot more and for a long time. That meant not screwing up…

"I asked you, my _turinqui_ , where you study?" Sam relayed to me, his head lolling over the arm rest.

I blinked, "Your what?"

"He's obsessed with speaking a language no one understands and no one cares for." Blaine said his head bowed as he massaged his eyes.

"Elfish is a superior language. Shut up peasant." Sam retorted and then looked at me expectantly.

Where did I study? Fuck.

"Um…" I began.

"You're taking a gap year right?" Blaine said evenly, giving nothing away.

"Yeah."

"Gonna travel?" Sam asked interested.

"No."

"What's the point then?" He sighed dramatically and then nodded to Blaine, "Don't stay because of him. I can hardly get him to go anywhere."

"Some of us are busy." Blaine replied sounding bored.

"I'm busy."

"You don't have a job."

"It's not a job it's a placement" Sam corrected and my skin prickled with the mention of Blaine's employment, "and you were lucky to get it."

"So what are bitching at me for?" Blaine replied easily.

"Being lucky doesn't mean you neglect you're friends…dick."

Blaine rolled his eyes, "I'm not neglecting. I'm being dedicated to something."

"Whatever. You're letting The Man control your life. The same man the TV said couldn't control his hospital. Know anything about those lunatics that escaped?"

My blood turned cold and I looked at Blaine terrified. His eyes were downcast, his lips poised at the rim of his mug, "They're not lunatics"

I glanced at Sam, anxiety tickling my skin. He looked a little rueful, "Sorry. I know how you feel about that kind of thing."

I saw Blaine glance at me from the corner of eye and knew what he was thinking. It wasn't him that needed apologising to.

"Are you alright?" I had been washing the cups we'd used earlier, careful not to soak my bandage when Blaine had come up behind me.

"I'm fine." I replied monotone and proceeded to dry the mug, "You?"

He leaned on the counter beside me, palms flat on the surface as he leaned back watching me, "Better now Sam's passed out."

I raised my eyebrows at him, "He's asleep?"

"Got high, got fed, fell asleep. It's pretty much routine."

"Do you ever get high?" I asked looking up from under my eye lashes.

"Would you think less of me if I said yes?" he asked, his green eyes wary.

I was an absolute mental and immoral mental case that he took in his stride and he was asking me if I'd judge him over something I considered minor. Idiot. I smirked, "Not at all. That would render me a bit of a hypocrite wouldn't it?"

He gave a small smile, "Not often but yeah I do."

That made me feel like we were both more on level, not a million miles apart.

I finished drying the plate and set it down, accidently brushing his forearm. The heat frizzled over my skin, like a magnet begging to meet its metallic partner. When I looked up he was watching me with such intensity I was stunned. He felt it too. An urge to wrap my arms around his neck was building, reason slipping away as to why I shouldn't. Just as I was about to reach out a frayed part of doubt held me back, anything to bold again might push him away and I had to hold onto to him. Instead I place my hand over his.

He looked down and his expression softened. His tongue skimmed his bottom lip and he turned his hand over, locking our fingers.

"I'm sorry about Sam." He said softly, watching our hands.

"Don't be. It's nothing I don't already think myself."

His shoulders sagged, "I don't want you to think about yourself like that."

"It's better to be a little self-aware, otherwise I'd never get better. You should hear how Hayden thinks about herself." He looked up at me with curiosity and I took a deep breath, ignoring the ingrained feeling that I should never be truly honest, never admit someone else was right, "Running away was wrong, Tate was wrong, yelling at Caroline was wrong…" I trailed off as the thought of my mom and suicide flitted through my head. They weren't wrong.

I smiled half-heartedly up at him, "You have to admit, I am a little bit of a lunatic."

"If that's the term you want to use." He replied in a voice void of emotion, "People, like Sam, don't really understand the extent of suffering, not unless it's visible. A bit like icebergs, everything's bigger and sharper under the surface. People don't choose to become less self-aware, less respecting of themselves, less caring. It's usually a reaction to the accumulation of actions by other ignorant people. " His voice had taken a bitter undercurrent, he was angry at these nameless people and the funny thing was I was able to put faces to some in my head, "You get repeatedly told something about yourself, of course you're going to start to believe it. A lot of people don't understand that."

"You seem to understand."

A sad smile graced his lips and he looked at me, "Maybe I'm an ice-berg."

I wanted to ask what he meant, wanted to know what hid under the surface that caused him his suffering because the concept was partly baffling to me, he was so put together and partly because I wanted to wipe it out but removing pain was like trying to get an ink stain out of white cotton. The sadness touched his eyes but before I could say anything Sam ambled into the kitchen.

Blaine stepped away from me and I tried not to look to upset about it.

"Need a smoke." Sam said sleepily producing a joint and holding it up to us, "Any takers?"

"You're not smoking that in here." Blaine said.

"Didn't plan on ruining the working boy aroma you got going on in here." Sam replied arrogantly but he did with such a friendly smile it wasn't annoying, "especially as the sexual tension adds sweetness to it." He finished popping the spliff into his mouth and smiling smugly around it.

Blaine bristled at that and I decided to not leave Sam another opening to make my life a million times more awkward, "I'll take some."

Blaine's head swivelled in my direction but I ignored him and pushed off the counter to join Sam, who was still only wearing a tight sweatshirt and boxers. He reached for the back door.

"Are you really going out there like that?" I asked.

"Worried about what the neighbours will think?" Sam answered.

"You're both being ridiculous, you're not going outside." Blaine grumbled from the other side of the kitchen. His eyes were on me and I knew what he was thinking, he was worried I was going to run.

"You haven't got your nurse outfit on now dear." Sam teased, "and with you being all OCD about smoking in here we don't really have much choice."

"There's a fucking storm Sam-"

"And my girlfriend won't put out!" Sam interrupted dramatically, "there are millions of inconveniences in life Anderson but I for one am not willing them to stop me doing what I want. C'mon _turinqui_" and with that he flung open the door and wave of cold air barged in like an uninvited guest. I didn't realise Sam had been urging me out the door until he grabbed my hand and pulled me out, wrestling the door closed on a cursing Blaine.

The wind was nowhere as bad as yesterday, proof being I could stand, although it did push and pull in effort to knock me over. I pulled my hood up and tried to help Sam light the damn thing.

"How are you not cold?" I yelled over the wind.

"I'm fucking freezing!" Sam yelled back, hunching his shoulders up. After a few draws he passed the joint to me.

I took a draw, "Why do you keep calling me 'Turn-key'?"

"What?" He yelled not hearing. I yelled the question again and he grinned, " 'Turinqui! It means 'Queen' in elfish!"

Despite how weird it was I was flattered. Then again I'd left weird back a few months ago.

"So how long have you been at the hospital?"

I choked on the smoke I'd been holding in my chest and passed the joint back to him. I was obviously starting get paranoid, definitely had enough. Wiping a numb hand down my frozen face I looked up at Sam, but he was looking at me with mild curiosity as he inhaled.

"Well?" He shouted.

Oh fuck, "I don't work there!"

"Yeah, I know that!" he grinned. Oh fuck, had Blaine told him. He couldn't have, why would he have asked about college? I wanted to bolt down the side-steps and back into the storm. He was watching my horrified expression an amused expression. I decided I didn't like him so much anymore. Suddenly he reached out for my hand, ignoring me as I tried to step away, and gently pulled up the sleeve. My wristband was like a bright beckon of betrayal.

I had no words and nowhere to run. My eyes burned and it had nothing to do with the wind. Here was one of Blaine's normal friends, from his normal life joking about me and my 'lunatic' trade mark.

"No don't get upset, shit, sorry." He said waving his hand helplessly between us. I couldn't look at him and could barely hear him , "I didn't mean, I don't think before I do things, It's cool yano, I'm fine with it, I mean, shit…I'm sorry."

There was no point hiding my humiliation and I lifted my chin in order to move past him to get to the door.

"No wait, please. He'll kill me if I've upset you and I don't want to have done that, I'm sorry." He pleaded.

"It's fine." I snapped trying to get past him

"I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable I just thought that if you knew I knew you'd feel better." At that I looked up, what the hell was he jabbering about? His blue eyes were huge and completely apologetic, "I just thought I'd air it out there because we're friends right? Friends don't have to hide things."

Friends?

He was humouring me. He had to be, for Blaine's sake. Then something shifted and I took in his expression. He looked genuinely earnest and upset. I didn't know what to think so I just nodded and let him be relieved. I slide back into the warm kitchen and willed myself not to cry. Blaine appeared in the archway, his eyes alert and concerned. He'd probably been watching the front window encase I decided to run down the street.

"Are you okay?" He demanded more than asked.

"Fine. Gonna go to bed." I responded and brushed past him and started on the stairs. He called after me but I needed to be alone. My high was completely ruined, I felt hollowed out and I really wished I had a drink. I never wanted to see Sam again; he thought I was crazy, insane. He probably felt sorry for Blaine, downstairs right now reassuring him they'd get me out of here ASAP.

I wasn't good enough for him.

That thought played on loop in my head as I curled into a ball, wrapped in the comforter that smelled like Blaine.

I shouldn't be here, I shouldn't be anywhere.

"Niamh?" Blaine's voice was gentle, concerned and close. I hadn't heard him come in. I haven't the energy to reply to him, I had nothing to say. He sat own on the edge of the bed and placed a hand on my shoulder, "Niamh you're shaking."

"Go away."

But he didn't. He pulled himself close to me and put his arms around me. The contact of his body brought the realisation to me that I was violently shaking. He held me to him trying to influence my body with his, the stillness of it.

"It's okay." He murmurs, "You're fine, you're safe. I'm not going to let anything happen to you."

"Just stop. Stop being concerned." My voice was barely more than a whisper, it was drained of everything. Like I was, I felt like I had nothing in me, no soul, "I'm fine. Tomorrow the roads will be cleared and you'll be able to take me back. I'm sorry your work followed you home."

"When will you understand that is not only how I see you?" He replies quietly, "I'm concerned because I care about your feeling, not because I have to be!"

I just wanted him to stop talking. Everything needed to stop. He didn't though. He outlined reasons why he cared about me, that it was more than professional relationship and how that was wrong but he didn't care. When I just lay there letting his words run over me but touch me, like a rock being unmoveable by the ocean he pulled me into a sitting position and made me look at him.

"What's hurting you so much?" he begged, two warm hands against my icy face.

"Do you know what it's like to not have a dream? A goal? To go all day without speaking to anyone or anyone speaking to you just for the sake of talking to you because it's you? That was, is, my life and I didn't want it anymore. It's hard to exist when no one values your existence but also knowing, what it feels like to have someone care about you so much and for it all just to disappear."

I was above the room listening to myself. Not really inside my own body. So his voice sounded like it was coming through a tunnel, "Not everyone's going to leave but people will. There is no avoiding it and that's life. I can't promise you no one else will leave but I can promise youI'm not going to disappear."

"You don't know that."

"Niamh." The seriousness in his voice sucked me back into my body and his hand turning my face sent heat through my cold heart, "I'm not gonna leave and I'm not gonna give up on you. I swear. _I promise._ I want you. I want all of you. Your flaws, your secrets, your insecurities, your sarcasm, your affection, your temperament… I just want you."

"But-"

"_Shut up._ I'm not naive I know this will hard and yeah you can be a pain in the ass. But no one is perfect, I'm not and you'll probably realise that in time and you'll probably leave me." A small smile played on his lips.

"But-"

"You're going to come through this. I know it."

Now I wanted to say something but the words failed me again.

"Get some sleep." He said tracing his thumb across my cheekbone. He started to pull away and I reached up and placed my hand over his not wanting him to leave.

That soft smile was back, "I'll be downstairs. Come get me if you need anything." He leaned up and kissed my forehead.

He was pulling the bedroom door open when the words came back, "You and Sam are sharing a bed?"

He grinned over his shoulder, "He likes being the big spoon, something to do with masculinity."

I laughed and his smile could have lit up the room.

"I'm just saying that bad decisions make god stories." Sam concluded before bringing his bowl to his lips and tipping his head back. The slurping sounds as he drained the milk made me scrunch my face up. Blaine was watching him in mild disgust. When I'd come down to breakfast thing morning I didn't feel such resentment toward Sam, especially when greeted me like I was his favourite person In the world

"My dad used to say whatever gets your blood racing is probably worth doing." I offered to the awkward silence and cast a glance toward Blaine. He caught my meaning and looked away grinning.

"Wise man." Sam decided, obvious to the moment that just past. He put his bowl in the sink and the lights overhead flickered on, lightening the room in a yellow glow and consuming the full grey of the morning. Sam gave a happy whistle, "Powers back! Gotta call my girl." And with that he loped out of the kitchen.

Blaine met my eyes an apologetic but determined gaze, "I have to phone Michelson's after."

I nodded, letting my hair fall over my face, "What are you going to tell them."

"The run down version of the truth I suppose. That you came here, you're safe, you told me what had happened and you are completely compliant about coming back with me." There was a question in his tone toward the end so I meekly nodded again.

"Leaving out all the interesting details?" I murmured. When I peeked up at him he looked a little distressed, biting his bottom lip. A surge of jealousy rush through me, I wanted to do that.

He unfolded his arms and came towards me and my heart fluttered in my chest. He took a deep breath, his green eyes searching my face. Tucking a lock of hair behind my ear he gazed at my levelly, "I'll tell the whole truth if that's what you want or you can yourself. I won't protest. He it's probably the right thing to do."

"I don't want to do that."

He looked conflicted and painfully ashamed of himself. I reached for his hand.

"It's okay, really. I don't feel about it how I usually feel about these things. It was different and it was between us and it wouldn't feel right to tell other people about it. I don't feel like it was something between a patient and a supervisor. To me, it felt like it was just us, Blaine and Niamh and I don't really want to ruin that. I was happy"

He searched my face for some hint I was lying, trying to cover for him motivated by guilt. There was nothing to find. I gazed back earnestly.

"It's probably the most selfish thing I'll have ever done in my life. Thank you."

And that was it, I couldn't take it anymore. I flung my arms around his neck and pulled him to me, burying my face into the crook of his neck. He paused before his arms went around me and it was probably the most safe I've felt in months. The smell of fabric softener, cigarettes and something lemony swirled around me. He was soft and warm but sturdy and solid. He rest his chin on my head, flexing his arms as if to make sure I was really there.

"Is this a private moment or can anyone get in on it?" Sam asked cheerfully and I leaned away from Blaine. Sam knew that I was a patient and I didn't know what he thought, I didn't know if he'd think this wrong. I didn't want him to think I was wrong. I was about to come up with some lame excuse when he bounded across the room and pulled us both into a bear hug, "Awk you guys."

"Sam" Blaine spluttered.

"Feel the love brother. Feel it."

"Sam I can't breathe" I gasped.

"I take your breath away, I know."

"SAM!"

He released us and I fell backwards against the fridge.

"Such a lovable moron." Blaine grumbled but Sam only beamed. Blaine rolled his eyes and then casting a glance my way he said, "I gotta call work."

"Okay." I said and tried to sound like I meant it. Facing Klaus terrified me. Oh fuck and my mom, she'll be losing her shit.

Sam looked like he wanted to say something but was holding it back. Considering what happened yesterday I could only guess what the subject was.

"Sorry for overreacting yesterday." I said.

His face relaxed and he smiled, "I really didn't mean to upset you, I didn't think it was a big deal."

"It kinda is"

He hummed, "When I thought about it I realised that. A bit complicated, you and my Jedi brother isn't it?"

"Do you have to make fanboy references to everything?"

"It's one of my quirky, loveable qualities. Anyway you have nothing to worry about with me, I won't rat anybody out."

"Sam you don't even know what's going on."

"No…but I trust Blaine and you can to and besides, I haven't witnessed anything that screams disaster. Unless there is something and then you can trust me." He was basically saying that although he had complete belief in his friend, if I needed his help, if I felt something was wrong then he'd help me. I really didn't know what to say.

"Thank Sam."

"What are friends for" he winked and hopped up on the counter, "So will I be able to come visit? Do one of those drama workshops …we could play chess!"

At this Blaine came back in and inquired what we were talking about. I expected Sam to lie bu he casually he said he'd be coming to work some days with Blaine.

Blaine's face was blank and he looked nervously between us.

"Cats out of the bag! I figured it out all my own and you cannot say ever again that I am not the brightest crayon in the box."

"Brightest bulb." Blaine corrected still seemingly in shock.

"Whatever. I'd rather be a crayon. Well I've got go home I suppose, throw out the cats, air the place out, get laid and so on." Sam listed casually. I laughed and he slid of the counter and leaned down to kiss my temple, "Laters friend."

He bumped Blaine on the shoulder and disappeared out the back door. A bang ran out followed by a curse.

"He probably tripped over the loose board." Blaine guessed vaguely and then looked at me.

"He seen my wristband yesterday." I explained tugging at my sleeve.

"Is that what upset you?"

"Yes."

"He doesn't think little of you, at all. He really likes you." He said softly, "If he didn't have a girlfriend I'd be a little worried."

I grinned.

His own smile faded, "So I spoke to Klaus." I immediately tensed up, "he said he's getting reports in that the roads should be cleared by six and I should bring you back then."

"Was he angry?"

"No. Concerned and a little confused to why you were at my house and how you found it. I guess he'll ask you these things but generally he just wanted to know you were alright."

" I thought he'd probably demand t tall to me. That would have really freaked me out."

"I think he would have but it sounds crazy back there, no pun intended, he's busy. He said he'd call back in a while though so maybe then…" he trailed off looking sympathetic.

"It's going to be strange going back." I said getting sucked into fear about seeing Caroline, Ben, Rebekah again. I had so many apologises to make…even to Tate. I felt a little sick.

"Hey." He said coming toward me and taking both my hands and holding it to his chest, "It's going to fine, I'll be there. You can talk to me anytime and remember I believe in you."

It surprised me how much that meant and my heart swelled and then nearly exploded when he brought my knuckles to his lips.

"It'll give you some time to plan our date." I blurted out. Damn it, I was an arrogant ass.

He grinned and raised an eyebrow, "I already have a few things in mind."

Such a late update but I have had exams and blah. Haven't proof read and that will probably irritate me later.


	14. Chapter 14

I feel like someone's has shaken a can of nuclear hot coke, placed it behind my ribs and flicked it open. The acidized liquid leaking into my blood stream, fizzing and bubbling, pumping around my body. And every time the can runs empty they replace it. It's an understatement to say I'm nervous.

The scenery going past doesn't help either, although it is kind of distracting. Kind of.

We've been driving for about thirty minutes, the storm having ceased to being mildly irritated and throwing its rage westward to the unknown. It was raining and the cars wind screen wipers swiping feebly at the windshield, trying to push back the cascading water that just kept coming. That mesmerised me for a while.

The roads were strewn with rubbish, branches, fallen palm trees, once prized garden gnomes and I'm pretty sure I'd seen a corpse of a cat. I'd tried fiddling with the radio then.

"It's broken." Blaine said, "There are some tapes in the glove compartment."

Jonny Cash played softly around the confines of his small car that was transporting back to Michelson's. Klaus hadn't called back but his secretary had, instructing Blaine on the best routes to take and to be inconspicuous. The upside was the route would take longer, the downside was and it inevitably always was, I was about to come full circle to meet my mistakes again. Michelson's was the end of the road for my indiscretions, self destruction and inability to get along with society. Even the members of society I decided were friends and yet I screwed them over.

_Before they screwed you over._

I shake my head to rid the thought, throw it right out of my head and hope it tumbles out the window to become road kill. Blaine glances at me and I know he'll be thinking I have another headache, which I do, but I'll deny it. I need to the pain.

I need the pain for fuel, so I won't be crippled by the burning sanctimonies that will be etched into every disappointed face when I'm brought back to that place. Especially Klaus', who I think was starting to believe in me.

I'll never be let out.

I've probably tripled my sentence.

Especially if my mom has anything to do with it.

Oh God my mom, what if she's there?

Although if I'm in there for another ten years I'll probably never want to come out.

Then again that's what Hayden wants. I'm nothing like her.

"I'm fond of that sweatshirt you're trying to mutilate." Blaine says breezily. It was the second thing he'd said the entire time, the first being to put my seatbelt on.

I start in surprise at his voice and look confusedly down to my tummy where my hands have buried and twisted themselves into the fabric of his clothes. My own had dried out and been given back for me to wear but I was cold so without asking I'd pulled this over the top. The temperature being one of the reasons I'd wanted it. He hadn't said a word about it until now.

"Sorry. I'll give it back when we get there." My voice sounds as hallow as a grave.

"You can keep it if you want, looks good on you." He says trying to seem casual but he's observing the clear if not just wet road a little too much.

"It's just a sweatshirt." I reply trying to ward off any butterflies that might perk up in my stomach to the sound of him complimenting me. Not that it matters, I'm deliberately trying not to look at him because then my mind drifts what we did and where I wanted it to lead and how he said he wanted to and then I might attack him which would cause a car accident.

"It's my favourite sweatshirt." He says turning to look at me pointedly.

Heat creeps onto my face, "Okay I'll keep it, thank you."

"My pleasure." He responds simply, smugness in his small smile.

A grin tries to grow but withers away on my mouth. I should be talking to him as much as I can while we're alone…free but I can't bring myself to. I wonder will it all be different now between us, distanced. Like before at the institute it was flirty and risky, not tipping over into anything really intimate. But at his house I tipped it over, I gave him head for Christ's sake, so I wonder if all the anticipation is gone all the predictable stuff, like being happy to see one and other. I know he reassured me back at the house, he proved he respects me and wants to wait until I'm in a 'stable' state of mind, that only make me like him even more. Any other guy probably wouldn't have done as much.

Fuck it's exhausting in my head.

He reaches for the gear shift and the muscles in his arms shift into action. Being by the beach gives his skin a tanned tint, hard to believe considering outside the car it's miserable and cold. I wonder if he's secretly glad to be getting rid of me.

"What is it?"

His voice snaps me right out of my sullen thoughts. His clear cut green eyes gaze at me with concern before cutting back to concentrate on the road, I turn away to look out at the world coated in drizzle.

"Nothing" I mumble.

"Don't do that." His voice is firm but not harsh and I turn back to him, he glances at me before turning back to the road, having to concentrate on a curve in the road, "Tell me what you're thinking. Are you nervous about going back?"

I shrug and bite my lip, "A little. I don't think Caroline will forgive for this…or even talk to me. Rebekkah's likely to lock me in solitary for, I don't know, _forever, _without any protests from my mom. And then Ben is going to question absolutely everything until my brain melts."

He laughs gently but stops when my face clouds over in annoyance.

"Caroline _will_ forgive you. She was worried, when we realised you were gone she was a little frantic. She pulled me aside before my shift ended and made me promise to look for you, which I did; I had every intention of doing so. She also guessed you'd be with Tate before the staff were informed by Rebekkah that he was also missing…" He trails of his expression blank and I twist my hands together as the guilt swells again. His knuckles have turned white on the steering wheel. My implications with Tate affect him more than he lets me know. Caroline was going to kill me. If I could at least talk to her before she kills me and tell her I'm sorry then I'll accept death happily. He seems to snap back onto topic, "Rebekkah…she'll appear mad, somewhat, but it's because she cares. _Really_." He adds that persuasive little word at the end when he catches my expression. I can't imagine Bex giving a damn about me as long as it doesn't affect her paycheque or her power control games, "And Ben? Ben's just doing his job."

"His job sucks."

He grins slightly, "Don't knock my chosen profession. It bruises the ego a little."

"A little?" I snort and his grin spreads knowing full well it takes a lot to bother him, "You won't be like Ben anyway, you can just tell he's on auto pilot. That he doesn't _care_"

"He has a lot of patients and he can't seem emotionally involved." He argues in a neutral voice.

"He dozed off on me once"

"No he didn't."

"He wanted to."

"You really don't like him do you?" he muses.

"Nope." I say popping on the 'p', "And don't tell me he's a wonderful guy."

"Oh I won't"

I turn my head in surprise that he isn't arguing, my eyebrows shooting up into my hairline. He glances at me and shakes his head, "He's not a wonderful guy, a little arrogant and self-absorbed but he's qualified for a reason. Besides you're not talking to him to gain friendship are you?"

"Thank God." I spit in disgust but happy he's agreeing with me. I always knew there was something dislikeable about my shrink that didn't come down to bitterness of actually needing one. No wonder he was Hayden's favourite. I snuggle down into his sweatshirt feeling a little lighter.

"Anything else on your mind?" he asks airily as if he's not really interested.

I bite my lip. I don't really know what to say or how to put my worries about 'us' into words.

_There's a man going around taking names__,__  
__And he decides who to free and who to blame,__  
__Everybody won't be treated all the same,_

Oh Johnnydon't I know it.

I reach out for Blaine's left hand, his fingers drumming lazily against the wheel. I pull it away, sliding my hand into his. I can feel him glancing from between me and the road. With his hand cradled between mine I peek up at him and smile. His eyes are unreadable but when he turns back to the windshield his fingers lace into mine and a soft smile graces his lips. He gives my hand a gentle squeeze as if answering all my unspoken questions. Somehow that answers all I need.

He has musicians' hands. Long slender fingers, a little calloused at the tips but I don't mind. It's a physical sign of the passion that's in him; he has a lot of that. The back of his hand is smooth and I can't help but draw patterns on it with the fingers that aren't clasped in his. I really like holding his hand; I could hold it my entire life. Large, warm, and safe.

"I never got to hear you play." I say quietly.

"You will." He flashes me a smile, "I'll take you to that bar I was telling you about, Mike's. You remember?"

"I remember." I always remember what we talk about.

His smile spreads to his eyes, "I play there sometimes, mostly Saturday's. We'll go there when you're …out."

I ignore how he faltered towards the end of his sentence, feeling his arms tense as if he's worried at how I'll react. But he always says 'when' and not 'if', I like that.

"I can't wait."

"So it's a date?"

I grin so huge I turn to look away out my window, "Sure. A very cryptic and unspecific date but sure"

"Cryptic and unspecific are the best kind." He murmurs and lifts are intertwined hands to place a kiss on my knuckles.

I all but have a heart attack.

What the hell does this boy do to me…and we haven't really done _anything._

Oh god what will it be like if we do.

_When_ we do.

My face flushes.

He begins humming to 'Ring of fire', only taking his hand out of mine when he has to navigate the tricky areas. A tricky area being a group of older ladies trying to move a tree by themselves, there must have been about five of them, none under forty. He pulled over and asked if they needed help but they waved him off, one saying men were useless and they'd do it themselves.

I laughed at that and one of them gave me a thumbs-up as Blaine's face tinted a little pink.

When Johnny had nothing left to sing I let go of Blaine's hand to reach for the other tapes. He left his hand resting on my knee and it felt hotter than the sun. As I went through the tapes, hardly able to concentrate on the title's he'd scrawled as labels, his fingertips traced circles on the inside of my knee, bordering on my thigh. This seemed like the most significant thing in the world. I began to get flustered by the third time of combing through his collection until I spotted The Beatles and hastily shoved the tape in the cassette.

I glance at him hoping he hasn't noticed how flustered I am. He's staring fixedly ahead, his mouth twitching. He noticed.

Damn it.

"Decided then?" he asks casually.

"Yeah, there was a lot of choice." I shoot back just as casual.

He hums sceptically and his hand moves the slightest fraction up my leg.

Does he know what he's doing?!

Am I overreacting?

His fingers span out a little further as they make their patters, almost half way up my thigh. My throat constricts and makes it hard to swallow. My free hands dig into his battered leather seats. I'm rigid.

With wide eyes I look at him for some sort of indication to what he's playing at. But he's staring straight ahead and smirking.

Oh I see how it is.

I remove his hand from my thigh and feel him turn to me in surprise. Probably worried he's annoyed me but I simply drape his arm around my shoulders and scoot as close to him as I can, removing my seat belt.

"What are you doing?" He asks sounding half panicked and half excited.

Funny how twenty minutes ago I was full of nerves and insecure about whatever was going on between us, if it was going to still be anything at all, and now here I am leaning towards his here. Still quite nervous though, I think that'll be inevitable with him though.

I wonder is it the same for him.

"Why? Am I making you nervous?" I murmur deviously.

His Adam's apple bobs in his throat and I close my eyes inhaling how he smells. Like fabric softer, lemon and faintly of cigarettes. I place one hand gently on his chest and if he tensed up anymore he'd be practically concrete.

"A little." He admits and I watch his eyes darting to the rear view mirror as he tries to decipher what I'm doing.

"You were making me nervous and enjoying it. That wasn't very nice." I say in my best pouty voice letting the hand resting on his chest glide down a little. His stomach jumps in a little in response to my touch. He's only wearing a thin t-shirt, his white over coat uniform lying in the back seat; he never seems to get cold. I grin as goose bumps rise on his arm that's extended toward the wheel, his hand gripping it like life depends on it.

His left cheek twitches as if he's trying not to smirk as my nose skims his jaw, "I didn't think you were so-"

I'll never know what he thought because I dipped my head to press a slightly open mouthed kiss to his neck and it cut off whatever he was trying to say.

He jerks in his seat his head turning to me instinctively but remembering he's in control of the car he whips back round. It's almost comical. I'm sure I would have laughed if it hadn't been for the arm that was over my shoulder now being curled around my waist and holding me to him.

"Jesus." He groans and swings the car to the side of the road, earning the car behind to blare in protest.

I've only just realised we've stopped when he slides his hands around my face and pulls my mouth to his. I'm frozen for about and second, trying to wrap my head around what is actually happening but it's not my head that catches up. My mind all but shuts off as I throw my arms around his neck. He kisses me like the world could be burning down around him and he wouldn't notice. Hell neither would I. He puts an arm around my waist drawing me demanding up against him as he tilts my head to right and places a prolonged kiss on my swollen lips.

He tastes faintly of peppermint.

I drive my hands into his chaotic hair because I've been dying to ever since this morning. They sink easily into his soft and thick curls and he groans low in his throat. He's draws me right up against his side, my head on his shoulder as his other hand gently holds my chin. I'm breathless and content. I'm sheltered and restless. He tilts my head back so he can kiss down my throat and his hand sliding possessively in the same direction.

I suddenly feel submissive and vulnerable.

I like it.

He travels back up my neck, to my jaw, kisses my lips lightly before taking my bottom one between his teeth. I actually whimper. His tongue sweeps over it before dipping into my mouth. The world may actually be on fire because I am burning and feverish. I arch up against him, wanting to be as close as possible but it isn't enough. I want to melt into him. I want him so badly.

I feel slightly drunk as he kisses me and all the bigger things, all the logical and ethical factors seem insignificant. Long, deep and passionate kisses that fill me with so much warmth I melt in his arms. No one else compares to this, to him, to his kisses and I cling to him like might suddenly disappear. Like most of the people I care about tend to do.

We break apart due to near suffocation. He's breathing heavily into my neck, sending tingles over my skin. A trickle of ice ascends into my tummy because I know the frantic, impulsive moments gone. It's all coherent now. I snuggle into the crook of his neck trying to savour his smell, his touch and the moment. His slight stubble tickles my cheek and I shiver, his arms flex around me in response. His nose skims my cheek, then my nose until he rests his forehead against mine.

"I would curse another driver to hell for what I just did. Especially with the roads in the state they are." He says not sounding the least bit ashamed.

"Personally I think we were already on route to hell…"

He chuckles and shakes his head gently, his nose brushing against mine before placing a kiss on my forehead.

"So if we're already damned we might as well do what we want." I finish.

"Sinners are notoriously selfish." He replies grinning.

"Speaking as one I can confirm that."

"Well I never have been much of a saint so maybe you're making a sinner out of me." He winks leaning back into his seat, one arm still draped around my waist.

My gaze runs over his face. His smile that's so full of mischief and happiness and I can't help but be serious, "No, there's nothing bad about you. You're perfect."

He rolls his eyes, "Nobody's perfect."

"You're perfect to me."

"Likewise."

My face instantly pinches with cynicism and I can't help but recoil slightly. Even if he said that to be nice, a way to repay my compliment, I couldn't be appreciative of it as it just felt cruel. His smile falls away as he gauges my reaction. Benevolence softens his expression and he presses his lips together as if holding back everything he wants to say but instead he's rifling through the right words and lining them up.

I want him to start the car.

"You don't believe me."

I shake my head stiffly, "We should probably get going."

He shuts the engine off. Oh God let me out of this car.

"Why don't you believe me?"

I wet my bottom lip and open my mouth but nothing comes out. My heart's starting to hammer steadily against my ribs, "Because it's absurd."

"It's absurd for me to find you amazing?"

"Yes." I answer curtly.

He sighs heavily, the last of heated glow that had engulfed us minutes before is sucked right out the window, "This is what I mean about you not trusting me…or rather, being dismissive of my opinion or feelings."

I'm stunned, "What? How?"

"You don't respect my opinion." He says levelly.

"It's nothing to do with your opinion." I splutter, "It's just… _absurd. _I know me best and I know that I'm far from what you should consider _perfect_, and if you do well, you'll soon be disillusioned."

He looks like he knew what I was going to say but looks disappointed anyway, "It's not up to you how I feel. It's not up to you to decide how I or anyone else should see things. Everyone's going to have their own view no matter what you do Niamh. Your opinion of yourself isn't absolute, how could it be? You think so little of yourself and to me that's _absurd._ I told you yesterday how I feel, what I like about you but you don't trust me with your feelings and you don't trust me with my own."

I feel like Mike Tyson has slapped me. When I told him I knew myself better than anyone I else I was lying but I pushed that lie through my teeth. I pushed out the lie because it's… self-preservation. If he cared about me as I cared about him everything is doomed. Everything ends. Nothing lasts. I kept control by holding people at arms-length because I believed I controlled how they felt about me. I've been deluded and his words have slapped me awake.

"You can't tell me how I should feel Niamh and even if you did, it wouldn't change anything."

"Things do change though." I spit venomously, "You can't sit there and tell me you care about me when that can change! What are you going to do? Wait a year? Five years? For me to be 'recovered' so we can go on a date, be realistic."

"I tried to be realistic! I avoided you! Ignored you, tried to be logical but…" he sucks in a deep breath and looks around helplessly. Half of me wants him to be rendered speechless which will prove me right, put me back in the safe zone but the other half want him to finish what he's trying to say, to prove me wrong. My eyes search his face for a lifeline as my heart turns to stone and threatens to pull me under. He turns to me his bright jade eyes pleading his case but vulnerable, "I can't. I used to want it to change, I didn't want to care, God could you imagine how much easier my life could be?"

I tear my gaze away to the dreary window shield, "Like I said, give it a year."

"And we'll have this conversation again, only next time maybe you'll believe me." His tone clipped by frustration.

I hope so.

"You can't promise me these things!" I cry finally, "It's not fair!"

"Yes I can." he says reaching for me looking determined.

"No don't!" I sob throwing up my hands and trying to move out of reach. His hands circle my wrists and pull me to him.

"Look at me, c'mon look at me. I'm not going anywhere, I'm prepared to wait and I'll earn that trust and you don't have to promise me anything in return. And I'll not promise you anything either so there's no pressure, we'll just leave it at _possibility _okay? That it will all be possible at some point. You never know, you might not want me." His smile is small and bright, his belief in this _possibility_. I wanted to believe him but possibilities crumble just as much as promises do.

What you have is the now, and what you make of it. You don't have the promise of a future or people being in it. This makes perfect logical sense and the determined course of action should be to let him go but it's a written and proved legend that the heart wins over the mind.

He's holding my hands now and waiting for me to speak. I lean up and kiss his lips. One of his hands slides around the nape of my neck and holds me there. He deposits three lingering kisses on my mouth and I feel like he's planting flowers as his fingers tangle in my hair.

"Okay, let's get going."

When we're on that familiar stretch of road that has only one destination a knot tightens painfully in my tummy. I notice Blaine reduces his speed and he looks over to me, giving my fingers a tentative little squeeze.

"I feel like there was so much more we should have talked about, things I should have asked you." I say as anxiety burns in my blood.

"So ask me now."

I rack my brain and give a short laugh, "I can't think of anything."

"There's plenty of time." He reassures softly lifting my knuckles to his lips.

"It doesn't feel that way." I swallow.

"There is." He affirms glancing at me and then he lets out a grown and a shuts his eye briefly, "My rota's due to change."

"What do you mean?"

He sighs and says softly, "I'm due to change wards soon."

There was no time at all.

"Don't worry about it. I'll try to persuade Rebekkah to keep me on that ward."

"Seems stupid to change you around." I say trying to hide my panic and disappointment, "I mean we have to get comfortable with new people again? What's the point?"

"I'll use that but…I'm not a doctor, a nurse, qualified. I'm sort of the bitch boy."

He's trying to lighten the atmosphere, trying to inject some playfulness. It's a lost cause.

"What's your favourite colour?" I ask abruptly as the road narrows and the entrance comes into view.

"Purple." He answers, "Yours?"

"Blue."

We pass the entrance and pull into the lot. He kills the ignition, "Sam's going to visit yano? He always follows through with things even though he seems to be someone who has difficulty remembering what day it is."

"I'd like that." I try to smile but a golf ball or five are choking me.

"It's going to be okay", he murmurs. I nod. I have his hand in a vice grip but he doesn't seem to mind.

"C'mon" he urges and the panic takes over. I turn to him my eye wide and scared, his face instantly changes and he takes my face into his hands. Ignoring the risk in doing so, "Everything going to be alright, this is the right thing to do."

He wouldn't lie to me. I nod again. He looks like he's struggling with something, glancing over his shoulder, "Fuck it." He decides and kisses me quickly.

The world is ending again.

Walking towards the entrance it's like the first day all over again only I'm aware of what I'm walking into, well somewhat. The smooth footpath leading to the entrance gives me déjà vu and I can feel my mother's grip on my arm. I fight the urge to run or take Blaine's hand.

The reception door flies open and a woman stumbles out. I'm instantly relieved it's no one I know until her eyes zero on me and she starts to stride towards us.

"Is this her?" she barks in a southern lilt, stabbing one finger through the air as she approaches. I wilt into Blaine's side and moves to put himself between us.

"Mam you're going to have to calm down." He instructs calmly.

"The hell I will!" she spits furiously at him, her small eyes darting from him to me, "He was making progress, my boy, and this _whore_ comes along and messes with his head! As if we haven't been through enough!" Her hand shoots out as a means to grab me, "I'll tear her goddamn head off!"

Blaine grabs her wrist and is urging her to calm down. If I didn't know him I'd say he was completely in control, but I did know him and I could see the muscle ticking in his jaw.

"Miss Langdon! Miss Langdon!" Rebekkah is rushing towards us, trying to maintain a degree of control so not to appear panicked. I feel dazed as Blaine and this woman looked engaged in some kind of weird dance. Rebekkah touches my arm lightly as she passes and I notice two heavy set guards approaching.

I instantly cower and start backing away.

"Miss Langdon please lower your voice. I know your upset but this will get us nowhere." Rebekkah says trying to solace the woman who's batted off Blaine's arms. She throw her head back, smoothing a hand over her hair whilst fixing me with coldest stare that seems to pierce my heart, "And I beg you not to upset my patients further."

"You beg me? Well I'm not in a charitable mood." She hisses lowly never taking her eyes off me. A hand curls around my arm and I let out a small cry of terror as a guard looms over me, "Lock her up where she belongs! And let her rot for all I care. You hear me!"

"Blaine take Niamh inside and wait for me in Dr. Michelson's study." Rebekah orders.

He nods and strides toward me and my skyscraper body guard. He glares at him and tells him to let me go. He puts an arm around me and leads me inside, all the while that woman yells after us to put me in a state hospital.

Frumps there, leaning over her desk trying to see all the commotion. Nosey bitch. When she sees us she falls back into her seat, fussing over paper work.

Anger bubbles in the flood of embarrassment that's under my skin, "Not very professional of you!"

I have the satisfaction of seeing her face flood puce as Blaine hastily steers me toward that vaguely familiar corridor, with only one door at the end. I'm muttering a string of expletives as Blaine knocks on the door and tries to hush me.

The door swings open and whatever I was saying about smacking the saggy skin off her face abruptly dies in my throat.

"Niamh." Klaus says, relief colouring his eyes although, his expression is calm. He glances from me to Blaine, "Thank you Mr. Anderson, we'll talk later."

He open the door wider gesturing me inside and obviously dismissing Blaine.

"No trouble at all." Blaine replies lightly. He turns to me, his expression hidden from Klaus. His face softens but his tone is neutral, "See you later."

He leaves and I look back at Klaus holding the door open for me. Inviting me back into prison. This time I had no one ushering me inside. I'm aware of what this will mean, what I'm in for and I could make a break for it.

I take a deep breath and walk inside.

The prison door shuts with a quiet click and I sit down numbly.

"You gave us a bit of a fright love." Klaus says calmly sitting behind his desk, I refuse to look at him. I need a cigarette.

"How's Tate?" I ask before thinking.

The silence is like an avalanche.

I raise my head to find Klaus studying me intensely, his elbows on his desk, hands clasped with his chin resting on them.

"I have to say," he begins quietly, his dark blue eyes intent, "how sorry I am for what has happened, for what you have endured under our care. I have reassured your mother nothing like this will happen again, I swear it and now I swear it to you. I don't expect you to trust us right away but I beg you to understand we are committed to helping you Niamh, to protecting you."

At the mention of my mother I had to resist the urge to roll my eyes or spit fire. Drama Queen that she is she'll be playing it for all it's worth. How 'distraught' she is. Whatever. The rest of his little speech wasn't really making sense, what was he apologising to me for? I ran away… he still didn't answer my question.

"I understand." No I don't.

He nods looking relieved, "We'll discuss later, with your mother present, if it's best you continue your recovery here."

"What?" I exclaim.

"Obviously it has to be discussed if this is the right place for you. The decision is between us now that you're eighteen and assigned to our care, only I can transfer you. But as the circumstances are, I think it's appropriate that your opinion on the matter is taken into account."

"I want to stay." I say firmly. I was not fucking transferring, not if my opinion is valid and mother can't do anything about it.

"Well we'd certainly like that but the decision doesn't have to be made so hastily. You can think it over."

"I'm staying."

He presses his lips together having nothing to add, but his eyes portray he's pleased with my answer. Now to get some answers of my own, "How's Tate?"

His face smoothes over revealing nothing, "Tate is fine."

"His mother was outside. She was yelling at me."

"Miss Langdon is upset and people tend to misplace their…frustration. I'm sorry if she frightened you."

"It is my fault though, partly. I agreed to go."

"I somehow feel your hand was forced."

Why was no one listening to me? Why did they insist everything was Tate's fault? I grit my teeth and my hands itch for the smooth stick of nicotine, "No. He asked me. I said yes, I didn't want to be here anymore! He didn't drag me."

"And yet you came back."

"Well my hand was forced in that case." I reply coolly.

His finger taps against his mouth before he leans back in his chair, appearing the picture of ease, "Why did you seek out Mr. Anderson? Blaine, may I ask?"

Oh shit.

Oh fuck.

Oh hell.

I swallow and my eyes feel too big for my head.

"I think," he begins watching me carefully, "That even though you were frightened and you ran before we made it to the motel you did want to come back, subconsciously. Perhaps not surrounded by the figures of what this place symbolises for you, the paramedics, but through someone more neutral. Blaine is an orderly on your ward, you felt comfortable around him, the easiest to relate to perhaps and still a link to this place. I think you wanted to find your way back to us through him."

What the fuck.

At the time I just needed someone. I was scared and I was alone. I always felt safe around him. But if I had of thought it out, about going to him I knew I'd have to come back. It was never a plan to ask him to run away with me or anything ridiculous like that.

If I'd have thought it through and knew he'd bring me back would I still have looked for him?

Yes I would have.

"I think…you might be right." I utter stunned. How could people line up the dots of my life when I felt like I was constantly moving the page all over the page?

"I often am." He replies smiling impishly, "but I try to not let it go to my head."

"Must be a constant struggle." I try to joke but my voice has that hollow edge to it.

"All flattery aside I have to make something clear to you Niamh, and is vitally important that you understand as it seems you haven't grasped the concept in the past." My blood runs cold as his eyes bore into me. He seems to be drawing out the silence as if to set up the perfect stage for his words, "Tate is highly dangerous. Intelligent, manipulative, cunning and malicious. It would be most unwise and ignorant to underestimate him, or any of his subversive qualities." An argument has already sprung to my tongue, ready to roll off but he's still speaking, "He is truly troubled and a sadist. Blaine has informed me you know about the incident with our nurse? I would like nothing more than to be able to tell you it's untrue but the event that took place was under the manipulation of Tate. Another incident took place as the paramedics arrived to the motel. He awoke highly distressed and under the illusion that you had not left but had been taken, he injured one of the medics. So do not be so blind to assume that Tate is simply just 'misunderstood', he has been in our care for a decade for good reason."

"Where…where is he now?"

"Secure." Not safe. He talks about him like an animal, not a person.

"Can I see him?" And seeing Klaus's face darken I rush on, "Just to explain that I did leave by my own accord, so he won't try to harm anyone or blame anyone else?"

Klaus is regarding me with evident disappointment and something like pity and it appears he's not going to play ball. So I'll have to propose a wager, "Let me speak to him for five minutes, that's it, you can be there and I'll tell you absolutely everything."

His hands are clasped tightly on the desk, shoulders tense, "That's a hefty request. In return you'll tell me how you out, how you became acquainted, how you were able to sneak around the facility (we have already been given some information from Caroline but her knowledge was limited), you would have to reveal absolutely everything you know."

And it was a prison as I sat haggling with the warden.

"I will."

"And how can I trust that you won't feed me false information?"

"Because…I want to get better and I can't if I don't start being honest."

"Well I agree with you there. We have a deal." Klaus says, although his eyes are grave.

***

Rebekah didn't hide her opinion at all over our arrangement.

"You cannot be serious!" she burst out, her anger heavily illustrated by her accent. Somehow it made her sound harsher. I'd never want to hear Klaus raise his voice. He however acted as if she hadn't spoken and rose fluidly from his chair.

"Please explain tactfully to my next appointment why I'm running a little late and I'll be back shortly to dismiss you. I'll leave Niamh back to her ward."

She stared at him is disbelief as he moved around to the door that led out into the neutral coloured hallway. He opened the door and ushered me out. I started to panic, I didn't think we'd be going right now.

"How can you be so brilliant in some ways and utterly stupid in others!" she questioned furiously.

"As my sister you can ponder that question avidly but as my employee I'd advise you to keep it yourself."

I thought she might hurl something at him them but he swung the door shut behind him, "Shall we?"

And so we set off into the Labyrinth. Now we were standing into solitary corridor. Just as white and neutral as the rest of the wards, the same lino floor but it only had one door. One door with and orderly sat outside. An iron gate guarded the corridor itself, with a stern nurse guarding it from her station.

I couldn't help but be reminded of Death Row. Faint howls and shrieks could be heard off in the distance and I could only guess if we were on the other side of 'the wall'. I moved closer to Klaus, who may as well be taking an evening stroll with his hands clasped behind his back.

He nodded at the orderly who began unlocking the door with a series of keys.

"You have five minutes", Klaus says and I nod nervously. He leans down slightly his gaze serious, "I'll be right outside. Don't be afraid."

His face is utterly set and I know he's promising me no harm will come to me, that he won't let it and I believe him.

I step inside the room and that belief stays outside with him.

The floor beneath my feet is padded. The walls are padded. The ceiling is so far above us I can't tell, I just know its white. The small window is high above so there is no view to be had, no reassurance that life exists outside this room. How could this be right?

The only splash of colour was Tate's golden hair and his black eyes that we burning holes into my face. He was nestled in the corner, clothed in a white jacket with his arms crossed and strapped to his chest. He's wearing cream draw string pants and is bare foot. His legs extended out in front of him.

I regret coming here. I regret coming here because I can't help him. All I'm doing is betraying him.

A small smile blooms on his lips, "You came to me." His voice is rough and scratchy like he hasn't spoken in a while…or he's been screaming.

"I had to see you." I reply weakly.

He smiles fully and a chill runs down my spine. I only have about three minutes left so I swallow ad force myself forward, sitting cross legged on the door near him. He sits up straighter as if wanting to reach out to me.

"See how nicely I'm treated?" He says playfully. I can't even force a smile, "Hey, it's okay. We'll get out of here again, it will be fine. Let them have their little power trip, whatever gets them off."

He's grinning at me like I'm the light after ten years of darkness.

"Tate I don't have long before Klaus-"

His smile slips off his face and his dark eyes become hostile, "He told me you left me." He snarls, "He told me you phoned him, he told me you told him where we were and then left me there. That you ran away without me. The cruel bastard… but don't worry, I know you wouldn't have done that, I know they were just keeping us apart but now look! You found your way back to me."

My heart has started hammering in my chest again. As if trying to break through my ribs and run screaming out the door.

"I'm sorry." I whisper as my throat constricts. His smile falters again as his dark eyes search my face, they had n light in them, no stars to break up the black, "It's true."

"You're lying." He says without hesitation, "Why are you lying? Don't let Klaus frighten you."

"He doesn't frighten me Tate…you do." I bite my bottom lips willing some adrenaline to spark from the pain, "You hurt yourself and I didn't know what to do. And even before that you wouldn't speak Tate, you would sit and stare at things that weren't there. Mutter things I couldn't hear. Shout at me when I tried to speak to you."

He leans away from me his face devoid of anything. He could be a corpse with unseeing eyes and with his pale skin. Completely shutting down.

The door swings open behind me.

"Niamh." Klaus calls softly, "come."

"I care about you Tate, I really do. So I had to tell you."

"Niamh."

I get shakily to my feet , wanting to get out of this room before it collapsed on me.

Tate's calls out behind me, empty as a voice could be as it called out across a wasteland. I've reached Klaus' shoulder as I turn around to look at him. He's staring without seeing at the space in front of him, "William Blake said, 'Where mercy, love and pity dwell, there is a God' ...Well there is no God, so why should we show mercy?"

His gaze flicks up to me and all I can see is black fury, relentless and the epitome of maliciousness. I'm frozen, feeling like I'm staring death in the face again.

"All cruelty springs from weakness Tate, which is why the wielder of cruelty always falls." Klaus replies coolly.

"And yet you're still standing." Tate hisses at him but Klaus is pulling me back and the orderly is closing the door

Tate begins screaming.

Klaus has his arm around my shoulder and I would have to be physically forced to remove myself from his side at this point. My mind is whirring. Tate's screaming echoing in my mind. I wish I could cry.

"Are you satisfied?" Klaus asks.

It feels like he's saying 'I told you so'. I have no defence. I have nothing.

"I'll tell you anything." I murmur and he nods.

"Tomorrow. I have a standing appointment and you need to get back to normality."

We don't speak the rest of the way to my old quarters. I feel like I'm in an alien world. Until we reach the familiar nurses' station and among the familiar faces giving me measured looks there's only one holding concern instead of criticism, Blaine's. If it weren't for Klaus arm around me I would have ran into his arms.

That would have turned out well.

There's a murmur of greetings to Klaus but I tune everything out as he reaches for the door to the ward.

Funny how I more terrified this time around than the first.

The world returns its volume and I'm greeted by chatter and a hint of laughter. Although I don't look at them I know their all looking at me. All I can see is Caroline. The ghost of her last laugh etched on her lips but slowly fading as she stares at me.

She's happy.

And I don't know why that makes me feel bad.

"Good afternoon ladies." Klaus greets them warmly as I start towards my room. He follows close behind leaving silence in his wake.

"Do you think they stopped talking because of me or because of you?" I ask picking up speed toward my door. Once I'm in my room I feel like I can breathe again, the airy blue walls filling my lungs with comfort. Everything as I left it.

"Most likely me I'm afraid. I am an enigma of sorts, I'm guessing their finding it hard to believe I'm real." He smirks.

I sit down on my bed, catching sight of a cigarette hiding between my bed and the draws. I reach down for it and dust it off.

"Rebekah will be with you shortly."

"Oh goodie."

He laughs gently and I smile grateful he's humouring me.

"Well I'll let you settle and we'll talk tomorrow morning." He says, his eye roaming the room.

"Okay."

"Niamh?" I glance up from the cigarette to find him watching me from the doorway, "I'm glad you're safe."

"Thanks. Sorry, for, um well, bailing."

"You're forgiven." He winks and walks out, I hear him say goodbye to the others and then I begin counting.

8..

She hardly makes a sound as she comes barrelling through the doorway.

"You're back!" Caroline screams throwing herself at me. Her thin arms lock around my neck and I wonder if she's subtle trying to strangle me, that would make sense. Then she shoves me away and slaps me.

If my cheek weren't stinging I wouldn't believe what she'd just done. I gape at her as I slowly raise my hand to my face. Her blue eyes are shining with angry tears.

"How could you do that to me!" she demands her voice breaking, "How could you do that? Leave me here by myself with no one! Worried about you, that he might have killed you and then there was the hurricane of the decade! And if you died do you remember what the last thing you said to me was?" She's crying now, water streaming down her thin face and dripping off the edge of her cheekbones, "You hated me when you left and do you know how it felt to have you disappear knowing you hated me?" And she can no longer speak. She wipes her face furiously, trying to breathe properly.

I open and shut my mouth, "Caroline I'm so sorry! I don't hate you, I'm sorry for what I said. I didn't mean it I thought you hated me. I'm so sorry."

"God! You're so stupid Niamh!" She screeches, holding her hand like claws in front of her like she wishes she could put my head between them and squeeze.

"I know."

"And selfish!"

"I know."

"You never do that again!"

"I won't"

"Promise me!"

"I promise."

Her thin shoulders are heaving as she regards me warily, her eyes shining, "It really sucked without you."

She lets out a sigh and hugs me again. I curl my arms around her tiny body and try not to worry about if she's gotten thinner, just to be happy hugging her.

"I missed you." She says quietly.

"I missed you too." And I feel that barrier breaking down, tumbling down without any of my control. My throat burns and my sting, "I was really scared."

"I never thought I'd feel less smug saying this but I told you so." She says into my hair, her small hand rubbing circles into my bag.

And that's how I knew she'd really forgiven me.

"So how did get away?" she says pulling back, "How did they find you?"

I duck my head and knot my fingers, "Do you remember you told me Blaine lives in Oceanside?"

A few seconds tick by when she gasps, "Oh my god you stalked him!"

I explain everything to Caroline, leaving out the whole bedroom escapades part. She grimaces and gasps in the right places and seems a little intrigued about Sam, although wrinkles her nose at the smoking part.

"So he knew you were yano, crazy?"

"Yeah. Said he'd come visit."

"If you're allowed any visitors anymore."

"Which you're not." Rebekah states flatly.

I wilt under her hard gaze, this should be fun.

She comes into the room followed by Vivian who's carrying meds.

"Nice to see you safe sweetie." Vivian says gently handing me a paper cup

"Okay" Rebekah says her English accent icy, "No ground privileges, no visiting rights, no material requests ie. Cigarettes. Phone calls only to family members that are permitted by your mother. You'll have your meals brought to and if you refuse to participate in group therapy you'll be put in solitary."

I throw back my pills and take the water offered to me.

"Am I clear?"

"Crystal."

"Perfect" she says her tone clipped, turning on her heel and striding out.

Vivian pats my leg sympathetically, satisfied I've swallowed my meds, "She cares really."

"So everyone keeps saying." I grumble.

"Weird way of showing it." Caroline agrees throwing her curls over one shoulder. Vivian smiles and gives my leg another pat before leaving, "Anyways, we're not allowed outside at the minute. We all eat in the TV room."

"That wouldn't be so bad if you told me Hayden wasn't such a bitch anymore."

"No he Hayden's still a bitch and when she finds out what you did to Tate it's gonna be bad."

"Gee thanks Caroline."

"Well I'm just saying."

I felt like the new kid at school or if I had a giant spot light on me as I joined the rest of them for dinner. Although it was only six of them that were really with it to understand what was going on. I'd changed into yoga pants but kept Blaine's sweatshirt on, Caroline smirking at me because that was one secret I'd told her.

Hayden thankfully was furthest away from me that she could be but that didn't stop her staring at me.

"Was it worth it?" Violet asks me poking her plate. I watch Caroline glancing at her doing this, her own fork hovering over her own food like she'd be embarrassed to touch it.

"Nope." I answer her simply and scoop up some creamed potato. Caroline's gaze flickers over to me and she bites her lip. I pretend not to notice.

Violet grins, "Shit one. "

"It really is."

Caroline spears a bit of her chicken and pops it in her mouth.

"Glad to be back though."

Violet laughs.

"And the money I put into your pocket and for what? You to turn a blind eye and go a play some gold with your other doctor buddies? I should go to the papers."

I'd been with Klaus all morning, answering all his questions, watching him give orders for people to go down to the basement and have the exit filled with cinderblocks. I think it was made ten times worse by the fact I couldn't sleep last night, I kept waiting for Hayden to smother me with my pillow. Or to open my eyes and find black burning eyes. I got in beside Caroline which helped a little.

And now I was sat beside my mother who has been ranting about money, Klaus, the president, health care, Klaus, money, me, the system, Korea and money again. I'd sank down so far into my chair it was a wonder I wasn't a part of it.

"I mean do you just allow them to run wild here?"

Silence hung in the air and I could only guess Klaus was waiting to see if he was actually going to have a moment to speak. He was doing well keeping his shit together, I would have lost it…forty-five minutes ago.

"Not at all." Klaus responds calmly, "In fact I thought it might be useful to use our time today as a session. To talk about why Niamh ran away, to discuss how she feels, how you feel. A little communication between family can go a long way as family is the core support system."

If that was true I was well and truly fucked. Sign me in for life. Tell Blaine not to bother.

I had the great satisfaction to see my mom look like she'd been slapped by a trout. It's okay discussing me and my 'issues' but bring her into it and that's a different story.

"I don't see how that would be helpful at all. I signed her into _your_ care for a reason. So _you_ would help her."

"Of course but this may be a quicker way to uncover the issues."

C'mon mom, do your dramatic exit. Flounce out like you have somewhere better to be and everyone is beneath you.

"Fine." She sniffs.

Oh Christ.

"When did you notice the behavioural change?" Klaus asks.

"Well she has always been very independent, very free spirited and she was a…daddy's girl."

"Niamh was?" Klaus urges.

"Well who else?" She sighs exasperated.

"It's just you referred to Niamh as 'her' so I was confused, after all she is sitting right here."

My mom glances at me like she'd forgotten that.

"And after his death" Klaus says as gently as possible but I see her tense and my hands ball into fists, "things got a little more out of hand?"

"Extremely." She replies curtly.

I roll my eyes.

"Have you anything to add Niamh?" Klaus asks me having not missed my disdain.

"Nope."

"Do how uncooperative she is? How difficult? This is why I signed her in."

"So you wouldn't have to deal with me, have to talk to me, have to look at me, be embarrassed by me you mean."

She whirls in her seat, "Pardon me?"

I'm furious, "Do not sit there and act like you care! Like you _tried. _You couldn't hold a damn conversation with me so what was I supposed to do?"

"I lost my husband! I was grieving! You are so selfish! You think it only affected you? That I had to run around after you to make sure you were okay."

"I lost him too! And we both know it has nothing to do with being _selfish. _I know why you hate me."

"You're ridiculous." Klaus is trying to interrupt but she spurns on, voice raised, "Yes maybe I should have fawned over you more like you're used to well I'm sorry I didn't! I'm sorry I have other responsibilities!"

Klaus finally get us to shut up long enough to say that he thinks that my dad's death would have been the edge I was pushed over because Borderline's usually experience earlier feelings of outsidership and my mom agreed that I was always really odd. I never enjoyed the country club parties.

I want to grip the back of her head and bang it off the table.

"What is this Borderline business anyway?" My mum shrieks, "What usually causes it?"

"An origin isn't definite –"

"Is it genetic?" I interrupt.

My mum flinches and her jaw drops.

Klaus looks slightly uncomfortable, "Well it has been proven, to be, more common in women with a history…"

"What are you trying to say?" My mom yells at him. I smirk as he tries to calm her down but it's futile. He's hardly out of his chair before she's slammed the door.

Bye, bye bitch.

I hear him sigh heavily and he sits down in her vacated chair, "Are you okay?"

I feel a little outside myself, "Sure."

"What did you mean before when you said you know why she hates you? Which I'm sure isn't true."

My chest feels like three tonnes of concrete has been dropped on it. Minutes tick by.

Klaus gets up with a sigh and presses the buzzer on his desk.

"She blames me."

His head snaps up at my voice, "Why?"

"Because I didn't drown and he did."

OHHHH another update…. Must be… a full moon or something.

Own no one apart form Niamh ;D


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